Moving You All The Way From Triple Sell to Risky

Welcome to the 10th edition of our weekly feature, Always Be Covering. The following is a small sampling of the games I'll be investing after dreaming I'm Jim Cramer only to wake up to watch The Cabin Show.

Disclaimer
While I may appear startlingly brilliant (or possibly not) you must remember that this is a humor site. If you've been taking me too seriously then you're probably reading this at a public computer...keep your hands where I can see 'em.

This week we've got a handful of attractive games, so backup those trucks.

Exactly what the fuck is happening to the NFL? It's gotten so bad that I can't bet on a single favorite without second guessing myself like a neurotic little bitch. One of my occasional associates, a degenerate gambler of the highest pedigree (he hides his horns under his fake Prada visor), claims that if he'd bet the money line on every underdog for the past two weeks he'd be a millionaire. Of course he didn't for the same reason the rest of us didn't, because we're a bunch of stupid assholes who keep expecting things to turn around. Obviously this associate of mine lost considerable amounts of cash and he's now beating on overturned buckets outside of the Verizon Center. So what have I learned? Absofuckingly nothing. BUT IT'S ALL GONNA TURN AROUND THIS WEEK! If you want some real investment advice you should take a look at Danaher (DHR). This stock has made up for every single drunken wager I've ever made.

Okay, that's enough Mad Money for now, let's take a look at some picks.

Paul Brown's +3.5 vs. 3 Rivers
So far this year I've gotten killed betting on favorites, especially when their quarterback is named Ben. In apparently the best move in the history of football coaching the Browns decided to kick Maurice Carthon to the curb. Since dumping their dead weight coordinator Cleveland has begun to resemble a football team capable of competing for the BCS Championship.

Millen's Folly+2.5 at Buzzsaw
Matt Millen has assembled one of the world's least competent pro sports teams and he's allowing Mike Martz to control the offense...and I still wouldn't give them points against Arizona. At this point favoring Denny Green makes less sense than Millen's continued employment. The Lions are 2-6 ATS in their last 8 games, the Buzzsaw is 2-7 in their last 9...like taking candy from a baby.

Bullish Parlay of the Week

Okay, this is a biggie. We need to strike gold with this pick so let's make it count.

Lesser of Two Evils -2 @ Cowgirls
Yeah, I have serious trouble rooting for Peyton Manning, this week it's going to be easier than getting a blowjob from Eli at a Gay Pride Rally. Dallas hasn't beaten anybody worth a shit (except of course for the MIGHTY Washington Redskins) and I don't expect them to do it here.

Whale's Vagina +3 @ Mile High
San Diego is way too good to be getting three points against anybody. Vegas is saying that if this game were to be played at a neutral site the line would be a pick 'em, and that would immediately become the easiest bet of the century. Fuck Denver and the horse they rode in on.

Shy-lock of the Week (4-3, loan me a pound of flesh?)

(2 teams, 6 point tease)

We're taking a temporary sabbatical to collect our thoughts and every fucking nickel stuck in the couch cushions. Knuckles prefers his payment in nickel form...I don't ask questions.

Who do you like this week? We welcome you to share all of your ill-fated picks in the comment section.