Friday, November 17, 2006

Moving You All The Way From Triple Sell to Risky

Welcome to the 10th edition of our weekly feature, Always Be Covering. The following is a small sampling of the games I'll be investing after dreaming I'm Jim Cramer only to wake up to watch The Cabin Show.


Disclaimer

While I may appear startlingly brilliant (or possibly not) you must remember that this is a humor site. If you've been taking me too seriously then you're probably reading this at a public computer...keep your hands where I can see 'em.

This week we've got a handful of attractive games, so backup those trucks.
Exactly what the fuck is happening to the NFL? It's gotten so bad that I can't bet on a single favorite without second guessing myself like a neurotic little bitch. One of my occasional associates, a degenerate gambler of the highest pedigree (he hides his horns under his fake Prada visor), claims that if he'd bet the money line on every underdog for the past two weeks he'd be a millionaire. Of course he didn't for the same reason the rest of us didn't, because we're a bunch of stupid assholes who keep expecting things to turn around. Obviously this associate of mine lost considerable amounts of cash and he's now beating on overturned buckets outside of the Verizon Center. So what have I learned? Absofuckingly nothing. BUT IT'S ALL GONNA TURN AROUND THIS WEEK! If you want some real investment advice you should take a look at Danaher (DHR). This stock has made up for every single drunken wager I've ever made.

Okay, that's enough Mad Money for now, let's take a look at some picks.

Paul Brown's +3.5 vs. 3 Rivers
So far this year I've gotten killed betting on favorites, especially when their quarterback is named Ben. In apparently the best move in the history of football coaching the Browns decided to kick Maurice Carthon to the curb. Since dumping their dead weight coordinator Cleveland has begun to resemble a football team capable of competing for the BCS Championship.

Millen's Folly+2.5 at Buzzsaw
Matt Millen has assembled one of the world's least competent pro sports teams and he's allowing Mike Martz to control the offense...and I still wouldn't give them points against Arizona. At this point favoring Denny Green makes less sense than Millen's continued employment. The Lions are 2-6 ATS in their last 8 games, the Buzzsaw is 2-7 in their last 9...like taking candy from a baby.

Bullish Parlay of the Week

Okay, this is a biggie. We need to strike gold with this pick so let's make it count.

Lesser of Two Evils -2 @ Cowgirls
Yeah, I have serious trouble rooting for Peyton Manning, this week it's going to be easier than getting a blowjob from Eli at a Gay Pride Rally. Dallas hasn't beaten anybody worth a shit (except of course for the MIGHTY Washington Redskins) and I don't expect them to do it here.

Whale's Vagina +3 @ Mile High
San Diego is way too good to be getting three points against anybody. Vegas is saying that if this game were to be played at a neutral site the line would be a pick 'em, and that would immediately become the easiest bet of the century. Fuck Denver and the horse they rode in on.


Shy-lock of the Week (4-3, loan me a pound of flesh?)
(2 teams, 6 point tease)

We're taking a temporary sabbatical to collect our thoughts and every fucking nickel stuck in the couch cushions. Knuckles prefers his payment in nickel form...I don't ask questions.


Who do you like this week? We welcome you to share all of your ill-fated picks in the comment section.

13 comments:

Signal to Noise said...

St. Louis (+7) at Carolina.

I see a shootout coming. The difference: the Rams have an effective running back.

swing4 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
the dude said...

Bless you UM on your hatred of Denver. But I'd find myself betting on them due to the fact LT has bad games in Denver, P Rivers is still young, and I could see Plummer only screwing up once.

Fondled by Foley said...

owww! Nicknames! What is this an Easterbrook column?!?!

(Wait, not enought words for the double g. Nevermind.)

Unsilent Majority said...

ah damn, i forgot again. easterbrook controls the market on nicknames and anti-semitic rants. with the sg locking up all the pop culture references i've got nothin'.

doug_plank said...

Bears laying some wood this week -7.
I don't like it.

Bears will win, but not by 7.

BEAR DOWN!

Awful Chief said...

After an entire week of being a born again sports gambling virgin (5th time this year), I will try to lay off the sweet action again but suspect that something will get put down on the Marvinmanningwaynes -1 at Dallas.

WeJamEcono said...

You have no references, but you have something better UM. You have US!!!! Isn't that worth something?

Eric said...

Couple bets this week:

StL +7 vs. CAR parlayed with the over (44.5)


4 game teaser:

TEN +19 vs. PHI
MIA +2.5 vs. MIN
DAL +8 vs. IND
SD +9 vs. DEN


This seems pretty safe, but I'm sure someone will shit the bed or Saban will start a not-fit-for-murderball Culpepper. Sigh.

Fondled by Foley said...

UM-I hear they are looking for a new go-go drummer down by the waterfront in Georgetown. You can down with all the 'pork and beans' you want.

Unsilent Majority said...

I like my go-go like I like my girls...in high school

TroubleHelix said...

Dude, you're right about LT but it's not just him,
the chargers as a whole: lost 10 of 11
Mike Shanahan: best home winning percentage .631
What the powers that be aren't paying enough attention to is travel strain. (would help to explain Seahawks omnipotent home field advantage*)
They need to start some BPG thearpy

Come OOOOON Whale's Vagina
*minus the 12

Claude Balls said...

UM, you're not very good at this, are you?