Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Giving Thanks to the 7 Deadly Sins...Gambling Advice Included!

This is money from Turkey. If that doesn't
make sense, I'm probably high.

Thanksgiving is my favorite day of the year because it allows me show off my full arsenal of sin (we're talkin' deadly sins not Jesus sins...although he probably would have hated Thanksgiving, what a killjoy). Let's take a quick look at the full rundown.

1. Lust- I must admit I harbor improper sexual desires for Kara Henderson, mostly they involve a field hockey uniform and a pool full of jello. You might not know her but she used to cover sports for CNN. Now she's the sideline p.o.a. on the NFL Network's Run to the Playoffs...although I haven't seen her in awhile.

2. Gluttony- If you're not a total fucking pig on Thanksgiving then you should probably just kill yourself now. Eating is third best thing in the world behind sex and football, if you don't overdue it on all three ever once in awhile then I pity your deprived soul...and I call you a bitch.

3. Greed/Avarice- Ah, my specialty. Without question the fourth member of the above list would have to be money. I love the shit and I am completely unapologetic. If you think that makes me a bad person just tell me, I'll buy your ass. Now in the spirit of the Thanksgiving/NFL Holiday let's take a look at tomorrow's gambling opportunities.

  • I'm liking Detroit at +3 over Miami. I know this is contrary to public opinion but taking the points can offer you a better payout (-115 vs. -105). Besides, Miami is still playing with Joey Harrington at quarterback...AND THE GAME'S IN DETROIT!!! There's no chance he walks out of Ford Field feeling good about himself...can't happen. That would be like Heath Shuler coming back to Washington as a Congressman...oh just kill me now.
  • 11 is a big line but I like Dallas. Tampa sucks, my Redskins almost tied them! Side bet: over/under on number of times I use the word "hate" during the 4 pm game, 72.5. It's a toss-up.
  • I took KC earlier this week at +1, now they're down to -1. Obviously this means that I'm a fucking genius. Jay Cutler is so close to Plummer that his cock is all up in his shit...maybe that's why he looks so uncomfortable.
4. Sloth- I fall asleep early on Thanksgiving and I do so with authority, you got a problem with that? Go fuck yourself. I'm drunk on wine and full on starches so just back the fuck up before I hurl the nearest object in your general direction. I'll wake up when I'm sober enough to drive home.

5. Wrath- I don't like other people...there, it's been said. Toss me in a room with 25 or so people (many of which are family) and I'm bound to threaten somebody's life with a sharpened turkey bone. Especially when football, gambling, and fantasy outcomes are on the line. Yeah, I'm playing my brother this week...and if I start losing he's gonna fuckin' die.

6. Envy- Sometimes I envy other people's appetites...of course this is a crossover with gluttony. I really wish I had the ability to pack in that second piece of pie but I just ate four pounds of mashed potatoes...stupid tempting potatoes, you are the flashy whore of the Thanksgiving spread.

7. Pride/Hubris- Those who know me best know this about me, I'm better than other people, and I know it. And no, I didn't steal that line from Dodgeball, Rawson Thurber liked it so much he asked to borrow it. Hell, I'm directing most of Mysteries of Pittsburgh. And if you say different it means that you are a worthless ignoramous.


fatty said...

"stupid tempting potatoes, you are the flashy whore of the Thanksgiving spread."

UM, as an irishman it pains me to say we'll need an arm like you , however I think we may have just found a bullpen slot for you at my family christmas party, providing you can pound down normal holiday fare and leave room for a self bottle of Korbel.

I take applications over the phone or by email...

Signal to Noise said...

Holiday meals with my family involve not only the mashed potatoes, but also the high-class call girl of baked macaroni and cheese. That two-on-one guarantees an early crash time.

When it comes to Broncos-Chiefs for money, I've just learned to pick the home team unless there's some stupid reason not to (like lack of talent).

dusty said...

UM..your something else dude..what, I don't fucking know..but you...just.are.

I am thankful I picked up Joey Harrington when McNabb went week, who the hell knows. But at least this week, the boy did well for me.I still got Ben on the bench.

Sargent Schlatter said...

There's no chance he walks out of Ford Field feeling good about himself...can't happen.


Harrington's still a pussy though

Unsilent Majority said...

i ended up teasing miami with dallas and kc. i'm unpredictable

Becky said...

Ladies and Gentlemen, applications are now being accepted for favorite team. I simply cannot suffer through another season of Lions fandom...

Unsilent Majority said...

becky, you'd be a welcome redskin.

feep said...

becky... as a Lions fan, I cheered for Joey. there was just something so nice about Joey effectively kneeing Millen in the groin. If only he had been able to do that literally, we might be on to something.