Monday, November 6, 2006

KSK Visits Baltimore, Somehow Manages To Not Get Shot

I am greatly indebted to Robert Irsay. My family moved from Pennsylvania to Maryland when I was still but a wee cuss. My football allegiance was already firmly entrenched but, because of matters of convenience, my family went to a lot of Orioles games, thus splitting my baseball following fairly evenly between the Pirates and the Orioles (since changed to the Nats when they arrived on the scene - stupid Angelos). I shudder to think that the same might have happened with football, if only Bodymore, Murderland had had a franchise at the time.

I can't stand Baltimore. The city is a wasteland, both culturally and economically. Its residents harbor a massive inferiority complex toward Washington, mainly because they produce lesser potassium. Its sports fans are docile and they bellow "Ooooooh" during the "O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave" line in the National Anthem. It's incredibly grating. I once went to a game at Yankees Stadium with an Orioles fan and he did it, thus eliciting enraged and bemused glares from the Yankees fans. I normally fully endorse pissing off Yankees fans, but I just had to shake my head at him in scorn.

They also wear purple camo pants to Ravens games.

I suppose this would come in handy if, say, a fire fight broke out in the middle of a Prince concert. Otherwise, few can do tacky like Baltimore. Or violent homicide. But the white people have to settle for tacky.

In the spirit of adventure, or boredom, aided by the fact that I got nice free tickets from my sister who works in Bmore, I went with my pops (a 49ers fan) to catch the Ravens-Bengals game yesterday. I've already established my masochistic bona fides for KSK readers by running a marathon last week. Similar forces compelled me to wear my Hines Ward jersey to M&T Bank Stadium. Entering into a hostile territory, supporting a team with plenty of fodder for trash talking (except for that recent pesky world title) seemed like a recipe for fun times.

Don't I have beautiful strawberry blond neck hair?

Ideally, it would have been fun to get thrown out but I couldn't see dad getting down with that. I can credit him for getting me into football, even if I didn't end up liking his team. He claims he tried out for the 49ers at wideout when he was my age, which I usually regard with the credulity of a Cartman 9/11 conspiracy. Upon further reflection, the man is 6' 4" and he was my age at a time when the gritty possession white receiver wasn't immediately dismissed. Then again, fuck that, this is the same guy who claimed he beat up his commanding officer in Vietnam, was at the performance when Lenny Bruce was arrested and chased the Kaiser dickity-six miles when he stole our word for twenty.

Anyway, exactly 30 seconds before the opening kickoff, he turns to me and says, "You really have to admire what Marvin Lewis has done with this team." Cincinnati then proceeds to fumble the opening kickoff, leading to a Ravens score, followed by a Carson Palmer pick-six three plays afterwards. You can't beat my father for a jinx. I fully expect on my wedding day for him to tell me that my wife and I will have a long happy life together, only to find out she's carrying someone else's child half an hour after the reception.

We had some choice seats about 11 rows back from the 20-yard line. And because Brian Billick is a supreme fucktard who can't put a game away, the Ravens kept it competitive until the last two minutes.

The game was putatively notable for two reasons: it was the highest attendance ever at M&T Bank Stadium. Hot damn! I will say it is quite the nice facility, and it should be, because Maryland taxpayers had to foot the bill for the fucking thing, thank you former Gov. Paris Glendening. Also, semi-quasi-marginal-star Peter Boulware was inducted into the Ravens' Ring of Honor, which is basically a list of people who will put their fingerprints on Ray Lewis' murder weapons, joining such luminaries as Earnest Byner, Art Modell, Mike McCrary and the members of the Baltimore Colts. Weeeeee! You'd think they'd flesh out the list by including more of the individual Colts rather the the teams entire. The guy in the row in front of me, who looked exactly like that nebbish guy from High Fidelity, had the jersey to honor the occasion.

"Wait, wait, everybody, I need to tie my shoe"

Oh, but the shit talk. Sure, I was wearing a Steelers jersey to a game in which they weren't playing. A sports fan faux pas? Yeah, okay, fine. They are divisional rivals, however. I was scouting! Right? Right? Alright, whatever.

But they had the late game, enabling me to watch (gasp!) both games. Maybe a half dozen Ravens fans picked up on this. "Wrong stadium," "He's lost," "You're not playing today" they cried. They made light of the Steelers record and our recent defeat to a JV Raiders team, but never in particularly clever or memorable ways. Not even one "Toothlessberger" knock. I'm disappointed Baltimore, really I am.

While I'm in the middle of going to the bathroom, some dude a few spots back in the line declaims, "Look at the Shitsburgh jersey. You got some balls wearing that here, man. If I were you, I wouldn't keep my back turned. I wouldn't show your back like that." Way to issue half-hearted physical threats when you're surrounded by like-minded people and the person you're threatening is peeing at a urinal. You're tough as nails, Baltimore.

Special Christmas Ape Steelers homer supplement: You may not know this, but the Steelers are an unstoppable turnover machine. The team should be introduced to the Chili Peppers' "Give It Away" at every game this season, even at home. Having said that, that mighty Broncos defense is as watery as the piss-poor beer they make in Colorado. And Hines Ward will haunt Nick Ferguson's dreams, but only when his fumbling at the goal line is not busy haunting mine. What happened to the Simpsons movie trailer that Fox was hyping throughout the baseball playoffs to air during the Halloween episode? All we get is a teaser for the trailer next week. Fuck you Fox. Fuck you for Joe Buck and fuck you for this. And The War at Home. Is this show still on the air because Rupert Murdoch hates America or is it for reasons far more insidious?

31 comments:

J.L. White said...

Oh Lordie, that Hines Ward fumble was just AWFUL! And by awful, I meant tickled me to no end (and he's on my fantasy team, even). It was almost as if Ward was handing the ball over to the Devner D, milimeters from the goal line, and saying, "Here you go, opponent secondary. I have no use for this ball. My quarterback will just throw it to you guys in the next possesion, anyway. Here, have it, and enjoy your flight back home!"

swing4 said...

Aso irritating about Baltimore: the silent "t".

Dolomite Jenkins is My Homeboy said...

Ape, you can get good beer in Colorado, if you like microbrews.

tuluse said...

My favorite Big Ben joke was a before after picture from the accident, the before was just Big Ben, then the after was Kordell Stewart. Fucking hilarious.

Also, as a Bear's fan I have an appreciation for how bad Slash can be.

Critical Sports Blog said...

I was in Baltimore to see a Ravens game and got into it with a guy who was trying to sell me tickets. He threw a punch and I knocked him out. Not one person stopped or missed a stride as they walked on by. Dude woke up and went back to scalping. He was in all purple with a purple wig-first clown I ever knocked out.

Unsilent Majority said...

Are you insinuating that white people can't commit violent homocide?

Jacob said...

whelp, you just lost this reader with that retarded post.

Baltimore and Pittsburgh are carbon copies of each other, only there's life in Baltimore. I'm sorry there weren't more metrosexuals for you to oogle at the football stadium. I'm sorry the honest, hard working people of Baltimore didn't consider your delicate sensitivity when they dressed for the game.

If you don't like the blue collar attitude of charm city, please take your lilly white ass to New York, San Fran, or wherever.

Classist and racist statements don't interest me. Have fun with your blog.

the dude said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Futile Endeavor said...

UM - sure they can, but sometimes the drive to Amish country isn't worth it.

the dude said...

You know I saw a guy wear blue cammo pants last night and thought those are the fruitiest things I've ever seen...but then I came here.
Seriously where are you going to hide with purple cammo?

flubby said...

Get in your shots at Balmer while you can. After the inauguration, Tommy Carcetti will get that shit straightened out in no time.

8hrdrive said...

Anyone hear Jim Nance hock a loogie? Phil Simms was mentally undressing Ben R. while he was bent over in the huddle, and then....... patooie! I Tivo'd it for verification.

8hrdrive said...

Jacob is a gay man that cannot take a joke, no matter how truthful and insightful it is.

Unsilent Majority said...

i lived in pittsburgh and while it's not the nicest city on earth it certainly beats the hell out of baltimore.

Big Jim Slade said...

Anyone hear Jim Nance hock a loogie?

Comforting to hear that it wasn't just the Steelers coughing up everything in sight yesterday.

Awful Chief said...

Did they ever catch that elusive Baltimore Foot Stomper?

Captain Caveman said...

Jacob's not gay -- he can't even spell "lily" correctly.

How long does this blog have to exist before people develop some kind of tough skin? Get out and stay out, pussies.

doug_plank said...

Fuckin idiot Bears.

They will be lucky to beat the Jets in two weeks.

Grimey said...

Maybe Jacob was referring to Toronto Blue Jay pitcher Ted Lilly's white ass.

Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls said...

Were the purple cammo pants leather?

C. said...

Any form of "urban" camo is crap. I would have no problem with it being permissible to beat up people who wear it.

revif said...

Dude, you're from Western Pennsylvania, and you're attempting to put down another part of the US as a cultural wasteland?

Claude Balls said...

I think I speak for 49er fans everywhere when I ask you, as politely, as I can, to tell your father, the fucking Jinx, to stop rooting for San Francisco.

He's fucking killing me.

I thank you in advance for your consideration.

Claude Balls said...

Sorry for that unnecessary comma after "politely". That was uncalled for.

Awful Chief said...

If you are offended by someone poking fun at the Charm City, hurry up and get your angry comments finished with here because there are countless other hateful statements on the internet for you to go after. Just imagine, someone may have composed an entire post with one of the following themes:
-Midwesterners are fat and dimwitted.
-Black people are attracted to shiney objects and are good at basketball.
-Mexicans are lazy and illegal.
-The media can't be trusted because it's run by the Jews.
-California sucks because it is nothing but a bunch of queers and Mexicans.
-Bloggers are a bunch of fucking dorks

Christmas Ape said...

Well, my father, as he delights in pointing out, was there for all five Super Bowl titles, claude balls. 1994 was one Pittsburgh choke away from being a Steelers/49ers Super Bowl, which probably would have resulted in the death of yours truly, as my father would have rendered my 12-year-old body lifeless from throttling my neck Homer-style.

Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls said...

Throttling someone's neck Homer-style is the BEST way to throttle somebody.

The BEST, Jerry, the BEST!

Son of Brasky said...

Good god, the only thing worse than a Steelers fan is a Bengals fan.

WeJamEcono said...

I was in Baltimore over the weekend for a friend's bday party. Having lived in d.c. and partied in both spots, I found the place to be just fine.

the only baltimorians who have delusions of dc-envy are the ones that are too lame to move to dc. the rest are damned happy.

stayed in the same hotel as the Bengals. If I was Tall, Black and Muscular I would of been banging football sluts all night. Sadly, I am not.

Larry Bird Flu said...

While you might not have been shot, you did leave Baltimore with a case of the clap. Don't ask how. Just get some penicillin, stat.

SMD said...

this post is embarrasingly inaccurate and full of nonsensical cliches. it exhibits not a hint of creativity. do you ever write anything that doesn't just shit all over people?