Monday, November 27, 2006

I Wish Everyone Had Listened When I Said My Favorite Sport Was Squash


Do you see now, people? Have you finally fucking figured it out?

I do not like football. I don't know how much clearer I can make that point. This sport blows. Everyone's running around and hitting each other... yikes. All I wanted when I was a kid was to hang out with my mom in the kitchen and make some zucchini bread. But nooooo, everyone's all like, "You're a Manning. You should play football!"

Fuck that. You should hear my dad in interviews. "We never pushed football on the boys..." Yeah right, old man. I just fell into this shit naturally. It had nothing to do with the family football games we played every afternoon for SEVENTEEN FUCKING YEARS, Dad. Or the film study sessions after dinner. No, that was for fun. Ass.

And Peyton! Guhhhhh, what a fucking dickwad. "Hey, Dad! I've memorized the playbook!" "Hey Dad, want to go look at your old game films?" "Hey Dad, I audibled to a slant-and-go pattern!" Fucking brownnoser. Hey Peyton, I just threw two picks and blew a game to Tennessee because I'm not as good as you! Isn't that exciting? Fuckface.

But those two aren't even the worst offenders in my family. No, I always get Cripple Boy pulling me aside and spouting off some shit like, "Cherish these games, Eli. You're lucky to be playing in them." Oh, yeah? I got crazed loons like Albert Haynesworth trying to chase me down and stomp on my fucking nuts. Does that sound like fun to you, Cooper? You get to sell real estate and ride Jet Skis on weekends. Meanwhile, I got Coach Stalin chewing me out and the New York tabloids writing punny headlines telling everyone what a dipshit I am. Oh yeah, bro. I'll cherish these moments. They're fucking sterling.

God dammit, do I look like I enjoy playing this game? Have you ever seen me smile? Have you even ever seen my expression change? No. I always look like someone just asked me to solve a trigonometry formula. I only play this game because everyone expected me to. I don't like hanging out in the locker room. I don't like slapping asses after a win. I don't like any of that shit.

Give me squash. There's a sport. You got two guys in a box swatting at a dead superball. Now THAT I can get on board with. No coaches. No annoying family members telling you about how "great the game is". None of that crap. Just you, some other sweaty guy, and lots of grunting. Bliss.

I got a bigass signing bonus, you know. I could play that shit all day. All I have to do is prove to everyone that I'm not good enough to play this bullshit football. Critics say I'm inaccurate. Wanna bet? I'm the most accurate fucking passer in the world, people. Those aren't interceptions I'm throwing. They are FUCKING CRIES FOR HELP.

Don't you get it? I don't want to do this anymore. Let some other moron run sit back in the pocket, waiting to get jacked. If only I could just quit, like that dipshit Tiki. He says he's quitting and the entire media slobs his knob for going out "before he does permanent damage to his body". Whore. If I quit tomorrow, everyone would call me a gutless pussy. What a bunch of bullshit. Eat shit, Tiki. Eat my shit.

I'm gonna get out of this game. And if it means throwing another 20 dead-on picks and costing the Giants the playoffs, then fuck it. I'm doing it. You can't stop me. Nothing will keep Eli from that squash court.

25 comments:

ElRanito said...

I had to remind myself twice every paragraph that this wasn't actually written by Eli Manning.

peytonloveskenny said...

Don't worry, Eli. You still have the same number of Super Bowl rings as Peyton. But, the third qb taken in that draft has one. And the second one is playing well and on a team that is really good this year. And, wow. Sorry.

Suss & The Family Stone said...

If you're looking to buy Eli Manning a present for Christmas, you can't go wrong with Dead Poets Society.

Larry Bird Flu said...

That post was so funny that I done gone and soiled my britches.

BoSox Siobhan said...

I really do almost feel sorry for Eli. He clearly doesn't love the football. Glad to see him implode against the Titans yesterday, though.

Larry Bird Flu said...

Sibohan -- if someone wants to pay me a few million bucks a year to do something I don't particularly like, I wouldn't expect any sympathy. Shit, I'm doing something I don't particularly like now and making far, far, far less than Eli.

BoSox Siobhan said...

I guess you're right, LBF. But the poor guy just looks so fucking miserable all the time.
And let me be clear -- I hate the Giants.

doug_plank said...

Also thank your Dad for helping to sabatoge your chances in San Diego.

With the Charger you could have had the best TE in football to throw to and have the best running back in the NFL with some peak years ahead of him.
Also LT would take pressure off you by throwing the occasional TD pass too.

Don't worry I'm sure the NY media and fans will understand.

The Mannings are the NFL equivolent of Jessica Simpson's family. With the interferring dad and one talented sibbling and one not so much.

And I believe Eli is dating Nic Lachey.

Larry Bird Flu said...

Siobhan - you're right. It's too bad in one way, but not so much in another.

Also, I prefer to think of Mark Brunell's underthrows as repeated cries for help too. At least he got what he needed.

The Schwizz said...

I think Tiki and Eli are on the Brooklyn Bridge right now. So that trade was good; Rivers, Kaeding, and Merriman, for Squash Boy. Awesome.

swing4 said...

Superior work, Drew.

The Pirate Sloth said...

BDD must have eaten his Wheaties today. He's in the zone.

The Angry Rant said...

Intercepted in the ether:

"Eli, darling: I know you don't like football, but we've discussed this many times. You know how your father is. He's a fucking psychotic asshole who needs to have his head surgically removed from his ass. Don't worry, dear; he's getting old and won't be around much longer. Then you can do whatever you want. How's the crochet class coming? Love you, Mom."

dusty said...

As a native San Diegan I have one thing to say to Eli MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU ASSHOLE.

Ok, that was two things I think..sue me.

Richard B. Wade said...

Actually, the Chargers wanted Philip Rivers all along. They fell in love with the guy at the Senior Bowl.

Country Clint's Everything Blog said...

If this wasn't about my favorite player, I'd be lovin it. Still creative.

kurgan said...

When ShEli was drafted I thought the disgusted expression she had on her face as she held up the Chargers' jersey was because she had been drafted by San Diego, but now I realize that it was because she had been drafted by a football team, period.

Poor ShEli! It's not fair that her Little League Dad is attempting to live vicariously through her. It should be illegal!

Eli said...

This had never even occurred to me, but it does explain a lot, especially the many times in the last three games that I've said "Wow, it's like he's actively *trying* to lose!"

A friend forwarded this post to me; guess why.

(I had the name first, and this no-talent assclown is really starting to bug me)

Dr Shark said...

Hey Eli: I am a San Diego Chargers fan, and as a Chargers fan, I just want to one thing to you, "Thank You". Really, Thank you. I thank you for not wanting to play for the Chargers. I Thank you for forcing a draft day trade that netted us Phillip Rivers (he will be a better quarterback then you will ever be, and by god if he isn't a true leader, unlike you.)...I Thank you for allowing the Chargers to aquire other draft picks for you that resulted in Shawn Merriman, Nate Keatting and Roman Oben. I Thank you and your father, King Archie for orchestrating the circus on draft day 2004 that ended with you attempting to embarrass us, and in the end we embarrassed you. And to top it off, we got you to come into our yard last year, and kick your ass along with the Giants 45-23. Yes, it was personal, and we let you know it. Not even big brother Peyton could fight this battle with you (and we kicked his butt to later in the year in Indy). I thank you most of all for again sparing us of the "Manning Curse", Peyton has never won a big game, you obviously cannot even begin to perform in a big game, and your father Archie never played in a big game, it got his ass kicked every Sunday too. Personally, I think Archie is still pissed about the Chargers passing on him in 1971. All I know is that I am thankful that you are not in San Diego, Thank God Eli Manning is a NY Giant. You are their $54 million dollar (plus $10 million signing bonus) problem. I really enjoyed the fact that very few Charger players even would shake hands with you after the game, basically telling you to get off the field and go home. Many of the Chargers voiced the same sentiment, "If he doesn't want to be here, we don't want him here in the first place." Thanks for those two stellar performances to against Jacksonville and Tennessee, how about that 24-21 come from ahead loss, how did you do it? Wow. Let me wrap this up by making a two fold guarantee, and that is (1) Eli Manning will NEVER win a Super Bowl, and (2) Eli Manning will NEVER EVEN PLAY in a Super Bowl. I laughed out loud a few months ago when a talking head on Fox Sports Radio predicted you'd be the next Troy Aikman. What an insult to Aikman, and I'm not even a Dallas fan. Keep up the goodwork, and I will always be thankful that you are not a San Diego Charger...In closing, I will always remember the T-Shirt I saw someone wearing outside of Qualcomm Stadium that read "MUCK ELI FANNING"...kind of somes it all up...PS: Squash sounds like the perfect sport for you...Dr Shark in San Diego...

foboman said...

So sorry I didn't write this first. It funny, but it's only VERY funny because it's so fucking true. You don't have to be Sigmund fucking Freud to see this family dynamic playing out much to the dismay of this particular Giant fan. I've been advancing this theory (more or less) for about a year now. I didn't want him on draft day so I'm not a second guesser on this one. We gave up WAY too much for a bloodline. Would have worked out fine if we were breeding horses, but the human element can be a fickle intangible to predict.

http://blogs.foxsports.com/foboman

drogio said...

Peyton's gotta ring now.

bloodyhandedgod said...

Charger fans gloating seems incomprehensible.

How's Phillip Rivers working out? All Norv's fault?

TheNaturalMevs said...

Deadspin saying that 'Eli isn't any good' is kind of comical; and it really shows that someone needs to brush up on their football knowledge.

The guy's been mediocre at times, hasn't been a pro bowler, but to say he's no good? That a reach in it's finest.

Babe's Ghost said...

"Critics say I'm inaccurate. Wanna bet? I'm the most accurate fucking passer in the world, people"

Hahahah... this was great and oh so true, but who's got superbowl ring now b@tches? Who beat Tom Thumb Brady and Bellicheat? Who's on top of the world?

Jonathan said...

Would sporting events continue to happen if gambling was completely abolished? Sports spread betting and online spread betting are just two forms of gambling that are keeping certain sporting events going. Snooker for instance has a big following but most of those fans actually bet on the winner of the tournaments. I wonder if betting was outlawed if it could keep it’s fan base?