Thursday, November 2, 2006

Steve Irwin Memorial Meast of the Week - Week 8


One of my bedroom windows faces east. This morning it started getting light in my room at 5:45 a.m. Not light-light, but that blue Top Gun sex-light that makes you say, "Fuck, dawn already?" when you wake up for that been-asleep-for-six-hours piss that you start having to take once the ol' prostate decides it doesn't need to be as small as it was before.

Seriously: 5:45 a.m. Fucking light! In my bedroom! Now, my alarm goes off at 8:30. So can somebody -- anybody -- tell me how this is Daylight Savings Time when I'm trying to sleep through two and a half hours of it? You wanna save me some daylight? Make the sun set at 7:00 p.m. instead of 4:30 so I can go outside after work and get some goddam Vitamin D. My skin gets damn near translucent in the winter. By February I look like a giant fetus.

And you know who gave us this shit? Type A assholes. That's right, those fucking go-getters who try to start conversations in the elevator on the way up to the office first thing in the morning. I've been up since 5:00! It was such a beautiful morning! I had to get outside and go for a run! Don't you just love--urrrkgh... can't... breathe.

But Type A assholes run the country, so they get to determine when the sun rises. And you know what? They're secretly afraid of us: the extremely cool, smart, lazy drunkards who are full of brilliant ideas but just totally spaced on that phone bill, man. These early sunrises are just another way to keep us pacified so we don't burn down City Hall and start up a sweet new utopia where Type A people are forced to channel their organized energy into giving blowjobs.

I say we do it. Let's take back the sun from those organized dickheads! We'll give those pricks the Mussolini treatment and make the sun rise at noon! ...but, like, next week, y'know? I'm kinda hung over today, and I've got a thing tomorrow. I forget what, but I've got it written down somewhere. Hey, is this pizza still good?

Anyway, our Co-Measts of the Week are Tully Banta-Cain (2 sacks) and Mike Vrabel (7 solo tackles, 1 INT). They're accepting the award on behalf of the entire Patriots defense, which gave the Vikings a nationally televised rumphing even Fred Smoot couldn't help but admire.


This selection is in no way to cause Big Daddy Drew more pain (although if it's a side effect, I'm okay with it). Brad Johnson -- who receives constant announcer fellation for being "unflappable" and "taking care of the ball" -- threw three interceptions and got benched in favor of Brooks "Third String on the Jets" Bollinger, who was promptly sacked three plays in a row, leading to the rare but hilarious down-and-distance of 4th-and-30. As for Chester Taylor, last seen chugging 95 yards into the Qwest Field end zone: 10 carries, 22 yards.

So nice work, New England. You've got some measts on that team. But that doesn't mean your fans aren't still bloody vagina farts.

39 comments:

Big Daddy Drew said...

My personal favorite is when Johnson throws a pick and the announcer says, "That was so uncharacteristic of Johnson!"

Johnson has 7 picks on the year. Apparently, being uncharacteristic is one of his characteristics.

Monday Morning Punter said...

Mike Vrabel is a horse's ass. But dude can ball.

the dude said...

At least next year DST doesn't end until Novemeber. But I don't much care for sunrises...they mean I woke up too early or I stayed out too late.

I'll tell you what's uncharacteristic, a 97 year old starting QB, how did that work for Vinny Testeverde.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I'm wondering when one of the "special guests" the Mon night crew has in their booth hauls off and slaps the fuck out of Theismenn for being a complete idiot when talking about something retarded and trying to relate it back to the game he's supposed to be commentating.

swing4 said...

Arizona, Western Indiana, and France agree with you. Never in my life did I think I would be in the ideological company of those three.

Rob I said...

I blame it on farmers. First they give us vegetables and then they steal our sunshine. Fuck 'em.

FenwayFaithful78 said...

What is your beef with NE Sports? Boston is one of the best sports cities. We have the famous Boston marathon, Fenway Park, the soon to be dynasty of the NE Patriots, Red Auerbach ( bless his soul), Big Papi, and fans that are passionate and knowledgeable about sports. What more could you want?
I'll continue to read (because your blog is hands down the funniest on the internet) but I'm silently protesting- You Anti-New Englandite.

Big Daddy Drew said...

FenwayFaithful78, the KSK policy is to relentlessly poke fun at New England whenever possible in order to counterbalance all the Boston dicksucking that comes from other corners of these here interwebs (Simmons, Mnookin, etc.) and other media.

It's also KSK policy to make fun of everyone else as well. Which means Boston can go eat a dick.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Oh, and my Word Verification was JEWII. It's like they think I'm UM or something.

highonLowe said...

Daylight Savings just ENDED, not began. That means if we didn't have DST legislation, you'd be getting sunrises at 5:45am 365 days a year, instead of just winter.
And Mark Foley (probably never heard of him) introduced legislation to stretch DST four more weeks but for some reason that bill hasn't seen much attention lately

Captain Caveman said...

Don't bother me with your "facts."

BigTDog said...

"Captain Caveman sleeps"

Shouldn't that be the headline?

doug_plank said...

Quit picking on Boston, they just lost Red Aurebach.

Red is in heaven enjoying a pipe... I mean a cigar with Len Bias right now.

The Penalty Kill said...

Caveman, Long time listener, first time caller. Funny shit. Thanks.

Unsilent Majority said...

Enough of this fucking horseshit!

Boston didn't lose Red, Washington did! And you'll see that when we host the celtics on Saturday night.

I'll be the guy in the third row wearing an Orange Gilbert jersey with a clover patch on the front.

FenwayFaithful78 said...

Hear you loud and clear Bid Daddy-

you continue to shit on Boston and I'll continue to defend them. Especially since I'm stuck in the sports hell hole that is DC. I think because everyone is from everywhere else originally there is no cohesive fan base. At least thats how I feel. I even pull for the Skins and Nats- Lord knows they need it.

UM- Boston did loose Red too. His personality was big enough to go around. Let us mourn-

swing4 said...

At last, a reason to watch Wizards ball.

The Angry Rant said...

Yeah, you anti-New Englandite.

Next thing you'll say is they should have their own schools.

Drew Brees' Birthmark said...

Brad Childress = Dave Wannstedt

LButler36 said...

Red Sox fans are legit, the patriots fans are a joke

Big Daddy Drew said...

Especially since I'm stuck in the sports hell hole that is DC.

Amen. Perhaps we could join forces and hate the Redskin together.

Big Daddy Drew said...

*Redskins. I wasn't referring to one single Redskin, like Sherman Alexie or what have you.

Rusty said...

Fenway, I'm right there with you. DC sports is a total joke. Fuck the R***kins. I wish there were a decent Red Sox/Patriots bar around here, but the closest thing we have is Rhino...which is also an Eagles bar. How does that work?

UM, Red is Boston's. Born in Brooklyn, lived in DC...but his soul was part of Beantown.

Unsilent Majority said...

Yeah Rusty, we all know how you feel about your beloved city.

Fenway, as for your "everyone is from everywhere else" assertion...I know hundreds of thousands of people who beg to differ.

Unsilent Majority said...

Yes of course there's more than enough of Red to go around. He may be a part of Boston's heart and soul, but he was a Washingtonian baby.

Grimey said...

In the meantime, I hear Tony Eason is still alive.

FenwayFaithful78 said...

I could possibly be posting this a 4th time but they don't seem to take. Damn blogger-

Bugsy's in Old Town for Sox. Be sure to say hello to Jack at the bar- he's from Charlestown MA- bad ass town!

Murphy's in Old Town, The Home of The New England Patriots. Full of wicked retahded Massholes drinkin beahs and talkin about b'daydah salad and tonic. Makes me home sick all the time. I never make it out of Old Town because it's stumbling distance to my house. I abhor Georgetown. I do NOT want to have to dress up to go watch my Sox. Ever. You don't like my flipflops and "I do it with my Sox on" Tee shirt- tough noogies.

Big Jim Slade said...

Worst. Zagat's review. Ever.

BoSox Siobhan said...

TS Muttley's in Adam's Morgan - it's run by a kid from Southie...but get out before 9:00 when the popped collar assholes take over. And I'll join any and all in the Redskins hatred. Sorry, UM.

Rusty said...

UM, you wouldn't happen to have an extra ticket to the Celtics-Wizards game, would you?

Bad Barbecue said...

Oh boy! Yankees slap fighting about who's city is the best. Tell each other what you're going to do to each other then get someone to hold you back and get it over with, already.

Unsilent Majority said...

Sorry Rusty, it's been claimed by a friend of mine.

fenway, you absolutely do not have to "dress up" to go watch games in Gtown. if you can stand the presence of asshole philly fans Rhino is a great spot...then again, i happen to prefer frequenting bars that don't require me to drive.

Fornelli said...

How bout we just cut up Red's body, and all of you can get a piece.

I don't really rip on fans of any city, fans are fans, but the one experience I've had with Pats fans was kinda ridiculous.

I was at school in Champaign the year the Bears played there(Year after Pats first Super Bowl). I had season tix, and my parents were down for the weekend we played the Pats, and I was taking them to the game.

So my dad and I are leaving Legends, when these 2 Pats fans start talkin a hell of a lot of shit to my father and I...for no reason. They just followed us out of the bar jawing, we hadn't even said a word to em, or had any Bears stuff on.

So finally my dad turns around and asks what the fuck their problem is. They said something, but I couldn't really understand with that fuckin accent.

Long story short, (says the DB 5 paragraphs into the story) it was a great bonding experience for my father and I pummeling those two fucktards in an alley.

They should have a beer commercial that goes like that when you think about it.

Rusty said...

Rhino is not a great spot. The Flying Scotsman is pretty awesome, but it's closed on Sundays as is located by Union Station.

Who the fuck goes to Northeast DC to drink?

Awful Chief said...

Someone else besides me can gentrify Northeast DC. I like the Argonaut, but fuck going to and from Maryland and Benning to drink.
If you are a DC resident, take note: Stoney's, formerly of 13th L NW, is reopening Monday across from Whole Foods on P St NW between 14th and 15th. I spoke to an employee and they plan on playing sporting events and serving burgers and pizza.

obie19 said...

You folks want to see a place where everyone is from somewhere else, come to Hilton Head. I moved here two years ago from Boston and have yet to meet a native. It's a bunch of douchebags from Ohio, Michigan and Pennsylvania down here.

BoSox Siobhan said...

I knew Stoney's was re-opening (5 blocks from me - hooray!) but I didn't know the time was so quicky approaching. Jesus, they had the best grilled cheese sammiches.

OkieRover said...

I up for the take over.
Type A's give the best BJs.
Just let me know what day we GO so I don't over sleep.

Vance23 said...

No shit on the Type A assholes!