Friday, November 24, 2006

Nobody Ever Goes For the White Meat

The rest of the KSK Gay Mafia, presently face down in puddles of turkey giblet infused vomit (or in Drew's case, regurgitated breadwiches) have left the damn dirty ape at the controls today. And, come hell or hangover, I'm gonna get you your Friday cheerleader fix. I'm stuck at work, and I'll be fucked in the ear if I'm getting anything productive done today while everyone else in America is busy rioting at Best Buy.

I had wanted to do a gamebook on the inaugural NFL Network regular season game last night, but, like many of you out there, I don't get the channel. I did, in fact, until roughly three days before the first game of the season, when I moved into my new place. Now I am sans premium channel football goodness. Woe is me to the third degree.

What I missed, besides a Gumbel-induced migraine, was a fine curb-stomping by the suddenly ascendant Chiefs administered to the quickly fading Denver Broncos. I remember catching heat a few weeks ago for stating that the Broncos defense was nowhere nearly as good as the Bears'. Well, I got some Thanksgiving leftovers for you in a few hours. I'll leave it in Drew's Tupperware container for you.

Anyway, on this post-Thanksgiving Day we wish to honor the Chiefs' victory and the noble Native Americans, who received forks up their asses from the white man 50 300 years ago, by presenting a couple pasty white Chiefs cheerleaders.

The one on the far right looks eerily like the slightly hotter of the Bush twins. The one on left is about as Plain Jane as they come by NFL standards. And the second from left resembles a young Sandra Bernhard. Nnnyyyuuuuhhh. That leaves you, blonde cheerleader with the fake tan. You're the one for me!

Enjoy your weekend.


Otto Man said...

I'm a Chiefs fan, and even I don't find those cheerleaders attractive.

I just checked their site to find an attractive one, but no dice. Half the cheerleaders look like Stiffler's mom, and the other half look like they should be giving out hummers behind the Tilt-a-Whirl at a county fair.

At least I'll always have Larry Johnson's dreamy eyes to look at.

Awful Chief said...

Yesterday during the crappy Lions and Cowboys games, NFLN played several hours of the NFL Cheerleader Playoffs.

Chad Johnson was one of the judges. He had this to say after a dance number:

"I like the kicks and the flips, and that thing where it looked like you were fightin' each other back & forth? i liked that too."

Dat RoRo Kid said...

Thank God for you, Ape. You feel the collective pain of time-chugging fuckfaces all over this blessed land that were forced to come into work today.

Johnny said...

Guys! Just drink until they look better, but don't forget that you might be required to chew your arm off in the morning.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I'm not entirely sure I could drink enough to allow me to get with any of them.

Is this the best that Kansas City has to offer?

mrmom61 said...

Fuck the bullshit 99 percent of us know we would have no chance with those girls. Im jackin.

BoSox Siobhan said...

Awful Chief: Did you see the cheerleader tug-o-war? It was completely mesmerizing.

Signal to Noise said...

I guess conquest has its drawbacks.

Forget Bernhard -- the second from left looks like Courtney Love. Ick. Grilled cheese on her right wins by default.

Dolomite Jenkins is My Homeboy said...

You're with me, fake tan.

Becky said...

Hence why Detroit trots out Junior High band members.


dbvader said...

Atlanta couldn't find a better pair than a midget black chick and a punched in the face gangly white chick? I refuse to believe that. Andruw Jones wouldn't have a threesome with those two chicks.
I don't want to hear about your regular jobs. I want to hear about you struggling through some community college, desparately needing my $1 bills.

fallex said...

Guys! Just drink until they look better, but don't forget that you might be required to chew your arm off in the morning.

Ahh, The Coyote. A classic.

And how dare you NFLN-receiving asshats rub in our collective face that not only did you get to watch the only compelling Thanksgiving day game (BC-UM excluded), but you also got something called the cheerleader playoffs. Fock.

Landru said...

Two consecutive posts where the damn dirty ape was funny. And two consecutive posts in which the damn dirty ape did not mention a certain team based at the confluence of three of the East Coast's premier rivers.

No, I'm not spotting a trend, there. But keep up the trendlessness, Ape.