Friday, November 24, 2006

Crud Diamond


You've survived another Thanksgiving and its attendant glut of crappy butternut squash, pontificating relatives and lopsided football games. What awaits you now is a year's worth of schmaltz and cheap sentiment tightly packed into the next month. There are many things that will drive you up the fucking wall in the following weeks and chief among them are, other than unending hype about the Bears, Colts, Tony Romo and Jake Plummer (just funnin', Broncos fans - he's terrible), constant exhortations to do goodly shit you would never consider otherwise because it's "the holidays," agonizing about how you're going to spend less on gifts for other people than they do on you without looking like a cheapskate and that local radio station that plays 58 shitty soft rock artists covering seven Christmas songs.

Okay, that was Gloria Estefan singing "Walking in a Winter Wonderland." Up next, we have Michael McDonald with "Walking in a Winter Wonderland." After that Bing Crosby, Clay Aiken, Aretha Franklin and Rosemary Clooney sing, you guessed it, "Walking in a Winter Wonderland." We can keep this up all day, people. Call the station and complain why don'cha? I'll tell you why: I'll play a block of Burl Ives for an hour. That's why. I work for Clear Channel and I'm not afraid to die.

Worse still are the omnipresent holiday jewelry ads. These are the most cynical and insulting things on TV, save maybe beer commercials, and not just to women. But unlike beer commercials, they don't have the saving grace of being occasionally funny. The men are all gawking, emasculated, clueless submorons while the women are calculating, hypermaterialistic rockfiends who can only be appeased by being handed a diamond locket in front of a roaring fireplace with a tinkling piano overlay every fifteen minutes leading up to December 25.

The fundamental problem I have with them is that they operate under the notion that anyone is stupid enough to have a clear preference in crappy chain jewelry stores. I mean, you're getting something substandard regardless. It's like having an adamant desire for signing a particular journeyman quarterback. I can see the ad now - a woman slaps a bumbling GM, who then turns to the camera and exclaims, "Aww, I knew I shoulda signed Steve Beuerlein."

Of course, if I had my druthers (whatever it is druthers are) the following two ads would play on loop during every commercial break throughout December.





Why, yes, I am single. However did you guess? That's okay. My customary masterbation gruel will suffice, thank you.

Anyway, I'm still a wee woozy on tryptophan and several kinds of alcohol, so this isn't the most football intensive post ever. Feel free to speculate in the comments on which store Peyton Manning goes to for Kenny Chesney's diamond-encrusted cock ring. I'm leaning toward Zales.

17 comments:

J.L. White said...

Here I was, thinking that blood diamonds from Sierre Leone was the worst thing about jewelry, but not after these Christmas commercials come out. What peices of manipulative shit!

The worst one is a radio spot -- perhaps for Kay jewelers, maybe just a regional mdealer -- in which some guy gives his girl a rock the size of her fucking head. The girl's friend is there, for some reason, and she says, "I wish I had one of those!" The girls asks if she meant the rock, but the friend says, "No, a husband like [enter name of douchebag here]!" You know what? Fuck you, every jewelry store in the world. I don't care which one actually broadcasted it. I'm not going to stand here and have you infer my girl will leave me for some dude who can score a bigger rock than me. I'm going to fly out to Sierre Leone and get my own fucking diamonds, thank you very much!

God, I love the holiday season.

Rob I said...

THERE IS A ZALES COMMERCIAL WHERE TWO MEN (COMPLETE STRANGERS) CARRYING A ZALES BAG PASS EACH OTHER IN A MALL AND HIGH FIVE.

I'm sorry I had to break out caps for this comment but everytime I see that commercial, a little piece of me dies. I can only hope they are high-fiving because they are cheating on their wives with 17 year old girls, and they plan to suffocate their wives with said bag.

Dave said...

I've seen that Zales ad. I'm not sure which is worse -- the fact that they're using that Vanessa Fucking Carlton piano lick in it, or the fact that I actually know who Vanessa Fucking Carlton is.

The bright side of this holiday season -- Clear Channel is getting bought out by a bunch of private equity firms who are notorious for taking huge conglomerates apart piece by piece like so many Legos. Perhaps there's hope that we'll see local ownership of FM Radio again before the end of the decade...

Otto Man said...

Have you seen the new Home Depot ad? Santa comes home early on Christmas Eve, clearly depressed and incredibly bitchy, "because everyone's giving Home Depot gift cards this year." He's growling and pissed off that he can't find the remote, and you can see a look on Mrs. Santa's face that's normally seen on severely battered women on "COPS" reruns. Scary.

That's their selling point. Shop at Home Depot, piss off Santa. Brilliant.

Otto Man said...

Feel free to speculate in the comments on which store Peyton Manning goes to for Kenny Chesney's diamond-encrusted cock ring. I'm leaning toward Zales.

Nope. Kay's Jewelers. As the ad says, "Every kiss begins with Kay's."

Leonard Peltier said...

I've seen that Zales ad. I'm not sure which is worse -- the fact that they're using that Vanessa Fucking Carlton piano lick in it, or the fact that I actually know who Vanessa Fucking Carlton is.

Who knew Vanessa Carlton and my aunt Millie had the same middle name? And does anyone else get those Leroy's jewelers spots with the gay Jamaican guy singing "Straight to the Heart"? Makes me want to veer into a ditch every time.

Unsilent Majority said...

there is nothing worse than an ad for Jared's Galleria of Jewelry.

HE went to Jared!

BoSox Siobhan said...

UM - You took the words out of my mouth. The broads in those ads couldn't be any more crass.

rock_n_rye said...

Thanks Ape, now I have "Ho, ho, ho, I'm huh-huh-hungry" in my head on a permanant loop.
When I think of the diamond ads i think of the one on the Family Guy, where you see the silhouettes of a guy and a girl, and the girls head slowing going down, with the tagline: "Diamonds, she'll pretty much have to."

Captain Caveman said...

Ape, you're right on point with that Fruity/Cocoa Pebbles ad. I haven't seen that commercial in a decade or more, and I was singing along. Nice work.

My least favorite diamond commercial? The one where the guy shouts in the Italian piazza that he loves his wife, and she's all ashamed that he's making a scene... then he breaks out the diamonds, and suddenly she's cool with him. But does she shout her love to the world? No, she says it quietly in his ear. God I hate that fucking bitch.

Otto Man said...

I'm with you, Caveman. The way she goes from embarrassment to orgasmic rapture because of the diamond is just sad. Yeah, the romantic trip to Italy and proud declaration of his love weren't enough, were they?

BoSox Siobhan said...

I don't need diamonds, boys. Just a bottle of brown likker will do the trick for me.

Becky said...

That Zales commercial, when I first saw it, I felt sure was going to be the first ad where men kissed. And then my TV was going to get broken - apparently, my fella, not such a fan of the homoeroticism.

But you are right, that Jared's shit takes the damn cake. Greedy ass grandma, looking at Gramps saying "Look you crusty old bastard, HE went to Jared!"

Stop whining and get back in the kitchen to fix me up some pie, grandma. Damn.

Roger said...

"Ho, Ho Ho I'm Huh-huh-hungry!" That is my fucking jam right there.

Leonard Peltier, that "straight to the heart" jingle is for Weisfield Jewelers here in the Pacific Northwest (sung by a nondescript white person). I see a few mind-blowing possibilities here...

-some Southern-US-based cheap jewelry conglomerate discovered the whole Best Foods/Hellman's mayonnaise West Coast/East Coast thing and said, "Hey, you know what? 'Weisfield Jewelers' would appeal to the lily-white population of Seattle much more than 'Leroy's Jewelers'. Let's switch everyone west of the Mighty Mississip!"

-there is in fact a jewelry-jingle licensing business whereby shitty jingles are sold and repurposed for various regional chains.

-focus group testing has revealed that "straight to the heart" spurs 12% more jewelry purchases than "she'll give up the butt if you buy her some joo-ray" and thus multiple jewelry chains use the prhase.

My least favorite jewelry ad is for E.E. Robbins, a dreadfully earnest jewelry chain here...they use "real couples" recounting how E.E. Robbins made their wedding great. One couple (who clearly wanted their 15 minutes) made a commercial saying that as they were on their post-ceremony walk on the beach in Hawaii, they were "struck by inspiration" and drew a big heart with "Thank you E.E. Robbins" in the sand on the beach. The next day, they returned to the spot to "discover" that some other "happy couple" had drawn another heart next to their with "us too...Thanks E.E. Robbins!" Starfuckers, every last one of them.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I once wrote a beautiful rant on why I hate diamond commercials and jewelers that I posted on craigslist and saved on my comp.

Then I lost it because my ex-girlfriend burnt down my apt and everything in it because I didn't buy her a diamond for our 3 week anniversary of dating and that meant I didn't truly love her - if I was a real man (like one of those guys in the commercials) I would have bought her a diamond for that special 3 week anniversary. (or some other meaningless reason the diamond people are pushing on us to buy a diamond)

True story.

Desk Merkin said...

The "Gorgon she-bitch and infintile male" commercial setup is not unique at all. Watch any fucking drug commercial, except the male penis pumpers and you'll find retarded men running amok (amok, amok) while the woman sits there and TELLS the audience whaht's going on.

leizanne said...

i was searching for the name of the jewellry company with the whole "He Went to Jared!" commercials and stumbled upon your blog...and i must say, i HATE how they make women look like rock-fiends.
they have a "Spence Diamonds" commercial running here in Canada. They go right out to say "Our suggestion is to spend at least $200-something dollars on the woman you love. Our diamond love loop [which of course costs the $200-something], blahblahblah". Sheesh. Talk about pressure.

I love your blog, I hope to keep stumbling upon it.