Steve Irwin Memorial Meast of the Week - Week 9
I have nothing against babies. They're cute when they're not crying, and I'm not the one who has to change their diapers.
In a somewhat related topic, I am a stringent supporter of bare breasts.
However, bring these two things together in my coffee shop, and it fucks with my head. Twice in the last two weeks I've sat down in a second-hand couch at -- let's just call it the "Yuppie Granola Cafe" -- and have come eye-to-mam with Mommy treating Baby Conor or somesuch to a bare-breasted meal. And not the subtle "Oh, she's got the blanket over the baby while she breastfeeds" variety, but the pious "Here's my tit! I'm breastfeeding! It's my right as an empowered mother, dammit!" variety.
And what's a tit-loving young man to do? Baby or no baby, there is a bare D-cup four feet across the table from me. If I look, I'm some kind of perverted monster. If I don't look, every synapse in my brain rages against my faggy politeness.
Can I get ruling here? Where are the Men of the Square Table when you need them? Oh that's right, those cocksuckers are too busy talking about putting lime wedges in Bud Light. As if any dipshit would actually do that.
And now, your Meast of the Week:
Jason Taylor: a sack, a forced fumble, an INT for a TD, and he caused at least two Rex Grossman bed-wettings this past week. And I can't be sure about this, but after the game he probably had break-up sex with Zach Taylor Thomas's sister.
Or if he didn't, he certainly earned it.
17 comments:
I.Hate.Children
Children are the future, unless we stop them now.
I love milk. What's a dude gotta do to get some tit-milk 'round here?
Thanks for making JT DA MAN this week. As a Durphinz fan, his measty performance was fuckin' cool.
And now back to our regularly scheduled suck-zone...
You like the cheese? My wife made it. It come from here tit.
As the great Adrian Zmed once stated: "If I was that kid, I would breast-feed until I was 17 or 18."
"Excuse me, they're out of half-and-half. Do you mind?"
That doesn't ryhme.
He was very dominant against the Bears on Sunday.
"Toughens the nipples, huh Mom?"
Nice catch, Karen. Also starting on the Dolphins defense: Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
Sit directly in her line of vision, take our your John Thomas, and start jerking off.
Man law?
Man law.
that's bold, Rob I. I'd say cop a good look, get it engraved in your mind, then head to the bathroom to take care of business.
Point at it and start sucking your thumb. Hey, you can't not look. Might as well make her as uncomfortable as you are.
You could ask other women in the shop if they'd like to have a "Free For All Nipple Off!" to see if the baby can tell the difference in boobs.
A woman who is mature enough to be a mother should know something about the general male psyche... namely that men are compelled to stare at shiny objects and boobs until the day they drop dead. She should also have the good sense to know that if she doesn't want hers to be INCONSPICUOUSLY ogled from out of the corner of a man's eyes, she should not breast feed in public without something to shield the activity from view (even if it is ineffective at actually reducing visibility, it gives by-standers the "I would prefer you not look" cue). Otherwise, she is clearly either comfortable with the natural beauty of a mother nourishing her child, or is not averse to a little public appreciation of her plumper breasts... or both. In which case, just remember to keep your mouth closed and hands on top of the table at all times. However, if you would be uncomfortable with another man looking at your wife breast feed in the way that you are looking at the women in the cafe, then you must avert your eyes. No hypocrites. That's just good karma sense. You heard me. I said karma sense.
Mom: "Oh, everyone's been so nice to me here today."
American Male: "That's because you've got a HUGE bare boob."
If the tit is fit, you must not squint.
I agree with Zach. Get one good look to file away for the spank-o-dex. More than that is asking for trouble.
One modification: if the baby daddy happens to be around and you're not sure whether you could take him, keep your eyes away.
As for bad karma, I'll tempt it (for now.)
And the Dude comes through with the "Bundy Credo", very nice!
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