Wednesday, November 15, 2006

I Am Jack's Smirking Revenge

If you could fight anyone, who would you fight?
-Tyler Durden

No, you can't fight Brad Pitt

Ask a true fan of the NFL to name their five favorite players and they'll likely struggle mightily to answer right away. Ask the same fan to name five players they truly hate and they'll have no problem reeling off name after name. Maybe it's because of a rivalry or a personal vendetta. Perhaps you just have a low tolerance for entitled douchebags named Kellen. Regardless, fans often have more hatred than love...we call these peoples haters, and we welcome them.

But who are the worst NFL offenders? Who in the league pisses you off so much through their words, actions, attitude, or simply the way they play the game that you want to see them face down on the canvas? Who are the guys that made you wish you were a physical freak so you could step into a ring as equals and deliver the beating that your demented mind believes they so truly deserve? Let's take a closer look at some of the popular choices. Obviously I'd fight Andre Carter, Warrick Holdman, and Adam Archuleta in a steel cage ladder match.

Good, let's start with an easy one. For starters Terrell Owens is extremely talented, and considering he's played for my two least favorite teams in the NFL over the past few seasons I have extra incentive to hate him. Oh yeah, he's also the biggest douche the NFL has seen since Jerry Glanville hung up the rug. His personality might actually benefit from an asskicking.



If Jeremy Shockey weren't a football player he would probably be known as the most obnoxious cast member in the history of Real World. For reasons to hate this walking case of herpes other than his onfield hissy fits you might want to check out his wiki page. Apparently he loves listening to Phish, Eminem, and 50 Cent. Plus he's represented by Drew Rosenhaus (that's becoming a theme) and he is friends with David Wells, quite possibly the baseball player I'd like to fight most. If he keeps pointing at me like that I'll make him bleed his own blood.

I cannot understand why Troy Polamalu is liked by so many football fans. Yeah he makes big plays, but he also tackles with his head...maybe those 6 concussions are God's way of telling him to cool the fuck out. He never gets in trouble because he never talks to the press, apparently he's just a nice quiet religious guy who keeps to himself. Then again some people may call that a potential serial killer's profile. Once his brain "heals" he'll be ready for another beating. You don't have me fooled Mr. Polamalu, I'll go all Jimmy Snuka on your ass.


To be honest, I could be the baddest motherfucker in the world and I'd still be a little bit scared of this crazy bastard. If Willie McGinnest came to Pittsburgh he'd be wearing number 54. With Ray Lewis you have to worry about his friends; with Joey Porter you've gotta worry about nothing but Joey Porter (and his horse-eating hounds). But you've just gotta suck it up, he's a loudmouth bully and the only thing he'll understand is a good beating. Maybe I could get Caveman to help me out on this one...yeah, that'd show him who's a big man.


Like there could even be a list without this smirking man-bitch. Peyton has all the personality of Robert Irsay's decomposed carcass. Yeah he's a great quarterback, and a helluva good guy, but that's not gonna stop a true hater. I'd like nothing more than to watch a drugged up Shawne Merriman come clean from the blindside over and over and over again...unless I could do it (hey Shawne, who's holdin' the vials in CP these days?). I'm almost positive that South Park created the phrase "donkey raping shit eater" to describe the Manning family (and possibly Monday Morning Punter...sick bastard).


So who pisses you off? Feel free to vent in the comment section, it's probably healthier than actually fighting Joey Porter...and remember, we here at KSK do not condone violence against professional football players (unless your fantasy team's season is on the line). However, imagining such scenarios makes us happy like a little girl.

*For the record, Michael Strahan was the final cut from this group of five. Although I personally detest him quite a bit I was worried I'd wind up caught on one of his homemade video tapes.

Note: Coaches are exempt because they're all annoying in their own way (you will tell the truth on your injury report Mr. Belichick!). Also, Rae Carruth, Lawrence Phillips, and OJ Simpson are ineligible, they're probably all going to that Christian Hell I keep hearing about.

57 comments:

Signal to Noise said...

Both Manning brothers could use a good shellacking.

I hate the Raiders, so Randy Moss is at the top of my list. Even if he didn't play for them, he should be maimed on principle for his numerous "I'm not really trying" statements. Then again, he's playing in Oakland -- maybe that's punishment enough already.

Ray Lewis needs to be mauled for not only going around as "God's linebacker" (everyone knows our Lord prefers the offense), but for making a big stink about the McNair mess with the Titans being about race even when McNair wouldn't go there.

Sports on the Moon said...

Yeah, nice list. Porter I wouldn't have on mine for safety reasons. Polamalu may need a beating, but I'd just love to cut his hair off. Manning is too easy, you gotta have a challenge.

In place of those three, tack on: Brenda Warner, just to shut her up. And she is tougher that Kurt. Brett Favre, just to beat him into retirement. Enough already. And of course, Derek Jeter.

Wild card entry... Payton AND Eli as a tag team.

Christmas Ape said...

You needn't stray far to get both of the things you hate about Polamalu and Porter in one convenient package: Sean Taylor is right in town. He's nuts like Porter and even more undisciplined. He's as highly regarded as Troy with half as many significant plays. And, like Ray Ray, he should be in fucking prison.

Dave said...

Rodney Harrison. I want to watch that motherfucker be deep fried like a State Fair twinkie...

Ron Mexico. Actually, I wouldn't want to fight him. I'd be too afraid of catching something if I touched him...

Kordell Stewart. He deserved a beating the moment he tried to convince the world he could be a true quarterback, which ultimately led to Ron Mexico. It should have been Chad Pennington throwing to Stewart and Hines Ward, but nooooooo...

Dewayne Washington. Just for his unbridled incompetence in Nashville. To steal a line from "With Leather," Washington couldn't cover a dead hooker in dirt if you dug the grave for him.

the dude said...

Mike Shanahan. I'd get medivial on his ass and then fry him in his tanning bed.

Unsilent Majority said...

coaches don't count...too easy

Christmas Ape said...

The horses Porter's dogs eat tomorrow will be the best tasting meal of their lives.

burma jones said...

Assuming that "fight" = "ambush with mace and a tire iron"

Ray Lewis. An exquisitely self assured, self important, murder-approving thug who, incomprehensibly, thinks offering his opinion on anything other than beating accessory-to-murder charges is warranted or relevant.


Todd Sauerbrun - He knows what he did.

Unsilent Majority said...

very nice ape.

btw, i love taylor for the same reason you love porter and polamalu. and sean doesn't belong in prison, all he did was pull a gun on the fucktards that stole his atv collection...in Florida that gets you a fucking medal

burma jones said...

Josh McCown would be interesting to fight, too... "Stop resisting, this broken jaw is all part of His plan for you"

Captain Caveman said...

I'd definitely fight Joey Porter... from 300 yards, with an M16A2 service rifle, in the prone position.

JT said...

- Ty Law [death by firework in back pocket]
- Joe Horn, just to beat the 3rd person out of him [force-feeding of his own ego]
- Marvin Harrison, so maybe I'll get to hear his voice [aluminum bat in a sound-proof room]
- Takeo Spikes [botched plastic surgery]
- Randy Moss [hit by 18-wheeler while riding BMX bike].

The Fan's Attic said...

Ray Lewis
Edgerrin James
Donovan McNabb
Ron Mexico- but only with a 10-foot pole b/c i don't want to get herpes
Brett Favre

swing4 said...

David Akers.

I don't have anything against the guy -- he's on my team and I love him for kicking with that torn hammie. I just think I could take him.

LButler36 said...

Tom Brady as long as I don't get convicted of a hate crime for beating up a gay.

J.L. White said...

Hey, any room here for some Old School Hate? Because I still have a ton of left-over anger directed at John Elway. His many years of retirment has done nothing to extinguish the fire within me. I really wish Terrell Davis would sue him, and take back those two rings that Elway claims are his.

Actually, if Elway and Joey Porter could be locked in a room, and somehow kill each other, that would be perfect. Since Elway is already a fucking horse, maybe Porter's dogs will eat him alive.

Canadian Bobsled Champ said...

Nice Dodgeball reference. Another one on my list: Brian Dawkins

8hrdrive said...

Derek Jeter- baseball, I know, but nothing would please me more than gagging this fuckstick with broom handle. Of course, he would deep throat the son of bitch and ask for more.

Jake fuckin' Plummer- with Shannahan strapped to his crotch.

Boomer Esiason*? why not?

Matt Hasselback- I'd like to spit-shine his bald spot with steel wool and nitroglycerine. How the fuck did he get a chunky soup commercial?

Tom Brady- he stole my girlfiend.

*actually I would hold Boomer down and let Marino impale him with a swordfish.

Unsilent Majority said...

i guess JT is the first to escalate an asskicking to manslaughter...somebody had to breach that line i guess.

Wickedmick said...

Tom Brady
Brian Cox, such an asshole
Dan Marino
Shannon Sharpe

Big Jim Slade said...

I know he's not a current player (and I use the term "player" loosely), but I would love nothing more than to throw that P.O.S. Cris Collinsworth into the pit of Sarlaac. You know, where he would find a new meaning of the word pain as he is slowly digested for over a thousand years.

Canadian Bobsled Champ said...

Big Jim-

I think thats a given around here. Is there anyone out there that doesnt want to bring death to Cris Collinsworth's front door? Now if only there was a way to eliminate him and Joe Buck at the same time.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Brandon Jacobs, of course.

JT said...

Yeah, manslaughter was the only way to go. Set them up with the instruments of death. I mean, once I started thinking about it, I realized that I lack the self-control to just kick the shit out of them, because the hatred goes a little deeper. Once I reached that junction, I would almost certainly keep going, hence, I need to be locked up.

Critical Sports Blog said...

Chad Johnson

Unsilent Majority said...

Chad Johnson

BLASPHEMER!!!

mind... said...

Peyton Manning, Santana Moss...
Joe Gibbs, Bill Cowher.

the dude said...

C'mon guys who have a bad case of tanerxia like Shanahan need a little knuckle sandwich in my book. But as far as players why not Matt Leinart. If only because I hate pretty boy QBs.

peytonloveskenny said...

Definitely Ray Lewis and Tom Brady. And the Roy Williams that plays safety for the Cowboys.

Wayneo said...

I would like to fight the entire Denver Broncos fanbase.

Smello said...

Charles Woodson - for having one (maybe one and a half) good seasons & then sucking in special, special ways, but only when his toe didn't hurt. Oh, and Al Davis because he's the ass who kept paying Woodson. And, well, I still haven't actually forgiven Davis for the whole Marcus Allen situation. And the guy who wrote the tuck rule. Him I want to hurt.

chiswede said...

R.W. McQuarters. He sucked when he was on the Bears, and he sucks on whatever team he's on this year. Maybe the Giants? Plus, his name sounds like a made up movie restaurant like Chotchkes. Douche.

BoSox Siobhan said...

Brett Favre. I have visceral hatred for him.

doug_plank said...

Brett Farve-

I would make Madden watch as I beat Farve with a sand wedge.
After I broke the wedge I would beat Farve with Chris Simms and mail the video tape to Phil.

No I'm not a bitter Bears fan.

grungedave said...

the list:

Emmitt Smith - fuck him and his happy dancin' feet

Hines Ward - get an original TD celebration dance, bitch, and quit copying everyone else's.

Donovan McNabb - quit trying to act like you *aren't* the teacher's pet and people might respect you... even though you are the teacher's pet everyone will hate anyways. Additional loss of points for not muzzlng your mom.

TJ Duckett - fuck you for stealing so many TDs from Warrick Dunn the past 3 years.

Brian Billick - because you aren't that smart, and I think you know it. But it would still feel nice to make you look like Jared Leto's Fight Club character did after messing with the narrator.

john said...

sorry you dont like elway... bummer he was easily the best quarterback that played in THE NFL from 1984-1999. give back his rings because of TD? how did he get to the super bowls before him? tony dorsett and the three amigos? sorry holmes but elway (and warren moon) were un-fucking-believable and nobody in the league today could hold a candle to them. or marino, kelly, cunningham, etc.

SteveJeltzFan said...

I hate Chad Scott with a passion I cannot describe in words. At his listed height/weight vs mine, I honestly think I could take him.

Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls said...

Horseface Shannon Sharpe would be tasty snack-snack for Joey Porter's pit bulls, and Michael Irvin, too, just for the hell of it.

Christmas Ape said...

Corey Dillon, Bill Romanowski and Neil O'Donnell.

They all (except O'Donnell) probably beat me in a fight, but then I have someone bludgeon them from behind and toss them in a wood chipper.

mrmom61 said...

Whoever fucks me in fantasy football from week to week.

Koos said...

Deion Sanders.
T.O.
Troy Aikman.
Randy Moss.
Deion Sanders, again, for good measure.

{ k }

From the other side of town said...

JoeTheeseman/AlMichaels/StuartScott Collectively I’d like to take them all on at once and bitch slap them until they’re speechless (I’ll use both hands for Joe).

David Wells and Brian Cox, repeated leg sweeps to their knees for coming to Chicago and jaking it on your big money contracts.

T.O., go all Raging Bull on your ass to where you’ll avoid cameras.

JayMariotti/MikeLupica/MitchAlbom with one hand tied behind my back and on my knees, repeatedly punching them in the crotch until their various smirks are permanently removed and replaced with a punched-in-the-balls face.

rsr26 (aka Johnny Utah) said...

No one mentions Mike Vanderdouche? He's got the biggest mouth for such a poor crunch time kicker. And how about Martin Grammmmmatttka? Little spaz. This is one guy who some people here could actually beat up.

dusty said...

Marcus Coleman, formerly of the Dallas Cowboyz,Houston Texans and NY Jets. This fuckwit extraordinaire needs to have a glock shoved up his rectum and the clip emptied therein. I couldn't fight him, I am afterall, just a lil girl who loves football.

jedland said...

Rob Johnson. Only I'd let my four year-old daughter do it.

TheBigO said...

Ben Rothlisberger. Biggest. Douche. Ever. I'd like to wrap him in one of those Fatheads then wrap about 3 rolls of duct tape around him, smear salmon innards all over the tape and throw his ass in Puget Sound in early January. Heeeeeere Orca Orca Orca.

J said...

Michael Irvin he played his trueself in The Longest Yard, cocky pos
Randy Moss, for not trying (waste of a 3rd round pick)
TO, for not trying hard enough to kill himself
Plummer, so he'll shave that gay boogie nights' era mustache off
Warren Sapp, this should have been done long ago
Porter, wow
Deion Sanders, arrogant prick, die die die
Shawny Merriman, for filing an appeal so he could play one game and then dropping it right after, what an ass

mistermeastyspleen said...

1.5-Michael Motherfuckin Vick and his thug ass brother.
2-Brian Urlacher
3-Jeremy Shockey
4-Ray Lewis
5-Reggie Bush, the greatest player to ever play the game, or so I have been repeatedly told.

$klimp$ said...

The entire Broncos fanbase wouldn't mind a taking crack at you either, wayne

My vote is for Warren Sapp. I hate that obese loudmouth bastard.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Dwight Clark - because of The Catch. I was 3 that year, and fast becoming a Cowboys faithful (not anymore, don't worry) when Clark caught his TD pass in that endzone over Walls - and further ensured over a decade of torture upon my childhood.

I've hated the 49ers ever since.

And he's 20+ years older now. I can take him.

And how come no one has said Namath for his trying to slip Suzy the tongue? That bastard.

christoff said...

*Tony Siragusa (he counts as 2 since he's humongous) for jumping on top of Rich Gannon in the AFC Championship and then for me having to listen to his voice every weekend (sounds like he has a mouthful of pastrami)

*the entire Denver Broncos line for cut-blocking

*Boomer Esiason

*Eli Manning

Chamomiles Davis said...

Shockey - definitely at the top of the list. What a pumped-up douche. If I ever found a player on my team was listening to Phish, 50 Cent AND Eminem, I'd never stop drug-testing him. With karate I'd kick your ass, from here to Tienemen Square.
T.O. - For reminding Eagles fans what a dickish prima donna you are. Your beating would be mitigated only by the fact that you are now fucking the Cowboys over in the same fashion.
Michael Irvin - First, because you were a Dallas Cowboy. Second, because you were a Dallas Fucking Cowboy.
Ray Lewis - Only because he'd never see it coming from a short, overweight white boy. BYAHHHH!
Deion Sanders - I'll smack the taste out of your mouth. Hey Prime Time, What did the five fingers say to the face?
Tom Brady - POW! You ain't pretty no more. But you have money and your cock works, so you still got that much going for you.

Wait, was that six? Awwwww...

burma jones said...

Ape,

Good plan, but you'll get shot in the leg by a pregnant cop with a goofy accent.

cecil_espy said...

Ken-Yon Rambo

He has the greatest name in sports history, and he never amounted to anything more than a special teamer on crappy teams.

Ryan Fitzpatrick because I also wanted to kick an Ivy Leaguer's ass.

Club Ivy said...

Coulter. I'd fight Ann Coulter.

Phatty said...

Interesting, I'm an Eagle fan and my list is almost exactly the same. TO and Shockey are my top 2 by far. Porter is definitely up there. I guess my last 2 would be Sean Taylor and Ricky Manning Jr.

Are You Threatening Me? said...
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