I Am Jack's Smirking Revenge

If you could fight anyone, who would you fight?

-Tyler Durden

No, you can't fight Brad Pitt

Ask a true fan of the NFL to name their five favorite players and they'll likely struggle mightily to answer right away. Ask the same fan to name five players they truly hate and they'll have no problem reeling off name after name. Maybe it's because of a rivalry or a personal vendetta. Perhaps you just have a low tolerance for entitled douchebags named Kellen. Regardless, fans often have more hatred than love...we call these peoples haters, and we welcome them.

But who are the worst NFL offenders? Who in the league pisses you off so much through their words, actions, attitude, or simply the way they play the game that you want to see them face down on the canvas? Who are the guys that made you wish you were a physical freak so you could step into a ring as equals and deliver the beating that your demented mind believes they so truly deserve? Let's take a closer look at some of the popular choices. Obviously I'd fight Andre Carter, Warrick Holdman, and Adam Archuleta in a steel cage ladder match.

Good, let's start with an easy one. For starters Terrell Owens is extremely talented, and considering he's played for my two least favorite teams in the NFL over the past few seasons I have extra incentive to hate him. Oh yeah, he's also the biggest douche the NFL has seen since Jerry Glanville hung up the rug. His personality might actually benefit from an asskicking.



If Jeremy Shockey weren't a football player he would probably be known as the most obnoxious cast member in the history of Real World. For reasons to hate this walking case of herpes other than his onfield hissy fits you might want to check out his wiki page. Apparently he loves listening to Phish, Eminem, and 50 Cent. Plus he's represented by Drew Rosenhaus (that's becoming a theme) and he is friends with David Wells, quite possibly the baseball player I'd like to fight most. If he keeps pointing at me like that I'll make him bleed his own blood.

I cannot understand why Troy Polamalu is liked by so many football fans. Yeah he makes big plays, but he also tackles with his head...maybe those 6 concussions are God's way of telling him to cool the fuck out. He never gets in trouble because he never talks to the press, apparently he's just a nice quiet religious guy who keeps to himself. Then again some people may call that a potential serial killer's profile. Once his brain "heals" he'll be ready for another beating. You don't have me fooled Mr. Polamalu, I'll go all Jimmy Snuka on your ass.


To be honest, I could be the baddest motherfucker in the world and I'd still be a little bit scared of this crazy bastard. If Willie McGinnest came to Pittsburgh he'd be wearing number 54. With Ray Lewis you have to worry about his friends; with Joey Porter you've gotta worry about nothing but Joey Porter (and his horse-eating hounds). But you've just gotta suck it up, he's a loudmouth bully and the only thing he'll understand is a good beating. Maybe I could get Caveman to help me out on this one...yeah, that'd show him who's a big man.

Like there could even be a list without this smirking man-bitch. Peyton has all the personality of Robert Irsay's decomposed carcass. Yeah he's a great quarterback, and a helluva good guy, but that's not gonna stop a true hater. I'd like nothing more than to watch a drugged up Shawne Merriman come clean from the blindside over and over and over again...unless I could do it (hey Shawne, who's holdin' the vials in CP these days?). I'm almost positive that South Park created the phrase "donkey raping shit eater" to describe the Manning family (and possibly Monday Morning Punter...sick bastard).


So who pisses you off? Feel free to vent in the comment section, it's probably healthier than actually fighting Joey Porter...and remember, we here at KSK do not condone violence against professional football players (unless your fantasy team's season is on the line). However, imagining such scenarios makes us happy like a little girl.

*For the record, Michael Strahan was the final cut from this group of five. Although I personally detest him quite a bit I was worried I'd wind up caught on one of his homemade video tapes.

Note: Coaches are exempt because they're all annoying in their own way (you will tell the truth on your injury report Mr. Belichick!). Also, Rae Carruth, Lawrence Phillips, and OJ Simpson are ineligible, they're probably all going to that Christian Hell I keep hearing about.