Thursday, November 30, 2006

Your Cable Company Has Decided To Cuff Your Ball-Gagged @$$ To A Chair And Bring In The Gimp

I hate to beat a dead horse, but this is fucking bullshit.

There was a healthy amount of bitching last week when the NFL broadcast its marquee Thanksgiving matchup on its own Network, instead of free network TV, and shut out millions of potential viewers in the process. Shut the fuck up, I thought. You're already getting two free games. All you're missing is Jake Plummer and Trent Green, the AFC's answers to Brett Favre and Drew Bledsoe, respectively (And did you see that shit in SI where the Chiefs were voted to have some of the best unis in sports? What the fuck? I've seen slabs of concrete that were better designed).

Besides, I thought, I already have the NFL Network on my cable package. I won't have that problem. Won't happend to me. And, even better, I can watch my Bengals play the Ravens next week. I'll actually get a Bengals game down here in East Buttfuck, SC. And all will be right with the world.

But earlier tonight, about 3 minutes before kickoff, I flipped on said Network, and this is what I found:



Actually, I wish I would have seen this, so I wouldn't have had to wait for a scrolling ticker to tell me that I was NOT GETTING THE FUCKING GAME EVEN THOUGH I WAS WATCHING THE VERY SHIT-ASSED NETWORK ON WHICH IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BROADCAST.

No Chad Johnson touchdowns. No shitty dances from God's Linebacker. Just shitty NFL films reruns. Not my game. Not any game. Not tonight.

Sadly, the only Chad Johnson available in my area tonight was this frat fuck, and while I'm sure he celebrates every score with style and pinache, it's just not the same. Actually, I don't know anything about this guy; I just found this pic with an image search. I'm sure he's a cool dude, and you would only need one had to count all the underage girls he's date-raped.

This network situation, simply, will not stand. These cocksucks are not fucking with my allegiances. It's bad enough that I have to go through life feeling like shit that I don't drive a Hummer, eat every meal at Olive Garden, or use other luxurious items like Colgate Total. All I want to do is watch football, and the League and these fucking cable people are cockblocking me worse than my fucking mom. Playing with my football is like playing with my emotions.

The NFL Network insists it's not their fault, like some fuckfaced 6-year-old standing over a broken cookie jar. You just look for an hour and then sit on the porch like a goon. You get your ass out there and you air those fucking games!

And then there's the Subset B of aspiring child molesters: the fucking cable people. They say it's too expensive to add the NFLN to basic service. No, really. How can any organization with a natural monopoly on a service used by 5 of out every 6 GODDAMN PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY look at any single thing in the world and go, "Ya know, money's kinda tight right now." Bullshit. I call bullshit on you, sirs.

Well, fuck them too. Here's a quote from one of those sorry, broke assholes, who probably has a parade of Lithuanians parade to his fucking bedroom to tie his shoes in the morning:

If we put all expensive sports programming on the standard tier of service, that would increase our rates to all of our customers, even those who didn't particularly care about football or these games,

Those who didn't particularly care about football or these games? Did I just fucking read that? What about that other group, Those That Don't Give A Flying Fuck About Animal Planet/ABC Family/A&E/Lifetime/We/Style Network/E!/BET (sorry, thebigo)/History Channel/TV Land/FoodNetwork/HGTV or their rigamarole? I would think this group dwarfs the librarians, dog owners, and interior decorators that don't particularly care about football. (Actually, bigo, I'm not sorry. Go turn a barstool upside-down and sit on it).

I got cable to watch football. That was it. I don't beat it to Mariska Hargitay and I don't need to watch Star Trek marathons. I want Boise State-Fresno State. I want Florida-Arkansas. And I want Bengals-Ravens. So that's it. I'm cancelling cable tomorrow. Both of these fucks can keep counting their money for all I care. At least none of it will be mine.

55 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

Wow, that must have been like fucking first time in a decade.

well played good sir.

FenwayFaithful78 said...

MMP- you're my hero.....

Grimey said...

We were blacked out here as well. And I have had enough NFL Films-watching from ESPN afterschool in the early 90's.

It will never get better than talking to Merton Hanks about the coin flip. "There's no such thing as Tails. Who calls Tails?"

Aaron said...

Screwing me on football is like stealing a pacifier from a baby. A baby that is eligible for a concealed weapon permit. How shortsidedly greedy can you be to not realize that expanding your fanbase should be your number one priority. This is a crucial time in the NFL's history wherein the league's supremacy is becoming a unique cultural force. The DirectTV eclusivity deal brought them a premium that is a tiny fraction of what they'd make if they focused on getting us hooked on their product. Likewise, the NFL Network is a chance to tie me to the league constantly. If they do all they can to expose me to their product, which is so much better than everything else in American sports, they can rape me on subscriber fees down the line. But the anachronistic, dessicated ghouls who run the league would rather think with their cash-hungry egos. As for Time Warner, they need to realize that NFL network is the only content I care about and I will gladly pay the subscriber fees of every HGTV watcher if it means I have the joy of Steve Mariucci's insight to keep me from cutting myself. I love the feeling of massive institutions fighting over who gets to screw me worse. I live in New York. The NFL offices are mere blocks away. Someone will pay.

peytonloveskenny said...

"We don't want to raise prices because people might not want it" is the worst excuse I have ever heard.

The Angry Rant said...

MMP: A-fucking-men. We need to boycott a future NFL Network game. Walk out after the game starts, like the anti-Peter Angelos folks did at an Orioles game this past season. Beer is cheaper in the parking lot anyway. WHO'S WITH ME?!?!?!?!

Signal to Noise said...

Fuck yeah. I already pay Charter extra for the fucking sports tier; the least they could do is fucking carry the NFL Network.

Both of 'em need to stop with the pissing match and get this shit on nationwide. There is absolutely no excuse for this; there is so much money to be made both ways for each side. This is just weak posturing that screws both sides out of tons of cash and us out of prime TV material every week.

But I guess this is par for the course -- nothing against DirecTV, but it was the dumbest possible idea to limit the Sunday Ticket to one segment of the population as well. Why the NFL is so damn blind to actual consumer demand is amazing.

Dave said...

There's a reason I've been calling them "the bastards at Time Warner Cable" for the better part of this decade. There's also a reason I'm now giving my money to Dish Network.

I hope Time Warner loses millions of subscribers for this. It couldn't happen to a bigger swarm of bastards...

8hrdrive said...

Jealous much?

8hrdrive said...

One thing I do know, the NFL is charging the smaller, regional cable companies $500,000 to air the games. This is the minimum fee. Not sure if the NFL needs another half a mill laying around. I find that to be a wee bit greedy.

TWC would be getting charged much, much more. But I think they could swing it.

BTW MMP, you couldn't pick up Trent Green's dick. Any our uni's are a like a vision of the seraphim. Thank you.

Critical Sports Blog said...

Greedy? Cable companies make a fortune. Those fucktits are greedy.

Captain Caveman said...

our uni's are a like a vision of the seraphim.

If uniforms were fruit, the Chiefs unis would be bananas. A nice part of the landscape -- maybe even a staple -- but not very flavorful. And full of potassium.

Becky said...

The only thing that could suck worse than this is realizing you have to send some premium wodka to someone who contentedly watched the game last night.

(Sorry.)

But, hey, look! A Punter post! And no donkeys to be seen, nice work.

Koos said...

Yes, Time Warner are a "parade of parading" fuckstick, greedy bastards.

Yes, this is clearly a catastrophic failure on the part of NFL in getting it's awesome product to market.

On the other hand, we now have an excuse to be at the sports bar on certain Thursdays during the NFL Season. Er, not that we needed an excuse, per se.

{ k }

becky said...

Dear Dave,

FUCK Dish Network.

Love,

Becky

rsr26 (aka Johnny Utah) said...

If I read the column right, he gets NFL Network but still couldn't see the game? WTF?

I bought Direct TV two years ago so I don't have to deal with this garbage anymore.

burma jones said...

Although this analogy doesnt apply to all elements of the situation, it strikes me that the NFL engages in what are essentially car sales tactics.
You've picked out the car, worked through the financing, and are thiiis close to signing and getting the keys, until the dickmunch you're dealing with whips out one last form, detailing some bullshit $900 charge for the AC, CD changer, sunroof, whatever - some part of the car that was important to your decision to buy, and can't really be removed. At this point, you're in deep with the decision, there are loan people, friends, significant others, etc who are all expecting you to buy - are you really going to walk away over a $900 gotcha fee?

The NFL apparently thinks that people buy the "well, you're already in for the mid-tier cable package, so what's an extra little bit on top, to get the heated seats" sales gimmick.

Except if you are in an area where you simply cant get it, and this observation is arrantly irrelevant.

RB24Vegas said...

Does anybody know if local stations are picking up these games and showing them to home markets?

Rusty said...

Re the other Chad Johnson,

Careful. Non-celebrities are protected from accusations that they date-raped people. He could have a genuine libel case against you.

And it's the NFL's fault, not Time Warner's.

Monday Morning Punter said...

MMP, you couldn't pick up Trent Green's dick. Any our uni's are a like a vision of the seraphim.

The Dayton Triangles had better unis than you assholes. And you can invite Trent Green to slide feet-first into your own asshole, for all that I care.

If I read the column right, he gets NFL Network but still couldn't see the game? WTF?

That is correct.

Careful. Non-celebrities are protected from accusations that they date-raped people. He could have a genuine libel case against you.

Don't you have to date-rape someone to GET IN to a fraternity? That's like a bylaw or something, right? Right?

grungedave said...

okay, fine, I'll be the one to say it...

"I declare Shenanigans on Time Warner and the NFL-N!!"

Big Jim Slade said...

I just read on Deadspin that Collinsworth was in the booth last night. That's CHRIS Collinsworth. Calling a Bengals game? Kinda makes me glad I could not watch.

To paraphrase a man named OG:

Collinsworth and Theesman need to be epoxied together in a 69 position, and thrown off a cliff into the sea.

highonLowe said...

I absolutely blame NFL Network. The NFLN is trying to stonewall TWC. TWC would gladly pick it up as a premium channel, but that's not good enough for NFLN, they want it as standard. And regardless of TWC's profitability, its bullshit.
So what does the infantile NFLN do, they say "fuck you, we're going to broadcast primetime games on our channel. Fans will go apeshit when they don't get it, and you'll receive billions of complaints."

Anyway, I don't really care. I have directv so I don't have to worry about coverage. HOWEVER, that bushleague-standard-no-HD broadcast looked like 8-bit nintendo 10yd Drive on my plasma. That, my friends, is criminal

rsr26 (aka Johnny Utah) said...

Highonlowe--If you have Direct TV, the game was simulcast in HD on another channel-- mine was like channel 95 or something.

wunderlichin' good said...

Chip Douglas could have got the game for you ya know. He can be your best friend or your worst enemy.

TheBigO said...

"(Actually, bigo, I'm not sorry. Go turn a barstool upside-down and sit on it)."

Your mom beat me to it, keep my fuckin name out your mouth. I gives a fuck if you watch BE muthafuckin T, TVONE, or any other channel of culture. I sat on my couch and enjoyed that game last night it was on my cable on the west coast. It was a great game too bad you didn't get to see it. Why the fuck would I care what you watch? Did you really finish writing the letters B, E, and T and think of me? I'll bet you know the exact number of black people who've been at your house over the last year, and I'm sure like that frat boy you can come up with that number on one hand.

Otto Man said...

Does anybody know if local stations are picking up these games and showing them to home markets?

A high-pitched squeal during the broadcast -- possibly the voice of a eunuched Bryant Gumbel -- made some comment about "if you're watching in a local market, and want to see our other games ... " So I'm assuming they are airing them locally.

Highonlowe--If you have Direct TV, the game was simulcast in HD on another channel-- mine was like channel 95 or something.

Really? Outstanding. Trying to watch these games on the non-HD feed like regular people -- who we HD folk call "normies" -- was painful.

Monday Morning Punter said...

I'll bet you know the exact number of black people who've been at your house over the last year.

Who are you? The fucking Census Bureau?

highonLowe said...

If you have Direct TV, the game was simulcast in HD on another channel-- mine was like channel 95 or something.

Doh!

rsr26 (aka Johnny Utah) said...

High- they didn't make it easy to find. So don't feel too stupid.

TheBigO said...

"Who are you? The fucking Census Bureau? "

Sure dude, good come back. I mean that really applies seeing as how I asked for you to give me the number. Just keep my name out of your whiny ass posts, if you don't get to watch the game, watch something else and shut the fuck up. "actually thebigo I'm not sorry........." Who gives a fuck if your sorry ass is sorry or not? What a ho, you bring up a black oriented TV channel and then tie my handle in with it. I'll bet thebigO loves BET because he may or may not be black. I haven't posted shit on this site in awhile and you're still sweatin me, that's hilarious, do you, don't worry about what the fuck I do.

Monday Morning Punter said...

C'mon, O. You're like a regular over here. Why u sweatin me, dawg? All I was trying to do was point out that you're a whiny little girl. I don't what you're so upset about.

You even stole your profile picture from us! We "borrowed" it first...wait a minute, BET is a blackchannel? No wonder they don't make eye contact with me.

Big Jim Slade said...

Sure dude, good come back.

No shit, he didn't even say anything about your mom. What a hack!

TheBigO said...

Big Jim, make sure you get MMP's nuts real clean. What are you like Capt. Save a ho.

I stole my profile picture from you? Really? I could've sworn that was taken by a photographer from the Seattle PI, wow dude you're prolific. I used to be a regular, but got sick of the the black athlete bashing. Anyways, just keep my fuckin name out of your silly ass posts. What is that bullshit about eye contact? If anything mousy little white boys are usually too pussy to look a brotha in the eye. Now fuck off and go back to you feminine complaining, just keep my name out of your posts and you won't hear from me in the future. I don't really comment on here anymore, I just read it, so lets keep it that way, you keep my name out of your posts and I'll keep it out of the comment section.

Big Jim, don't forget the taint, bitch.

Monday Morning Punter said...

Stop. Please. Come. Back.

wunderlichin' good said...

I like black people... just not black quarterbacks. They watch BET and won't look me in the eye.

-The Wunderlic Test

Big Jim Slade said...

What are you like Capt. Save a ho.

Nah, more like Lt. Spot-a-Douche.

but got sick of the the black athlete bashing.

Hey lab partner, did it ever dawn on you that this may have to do more with 90% of the NFL being made up of black athletes and less to do with KSK "Anti-Black agenda"? Why, I bet if this were an NHL blog, there would be a suprising amount of white athlete bashing. See how that works?

Taint common sense a bitch...

Unsilent Majority said...

way too easy. by the way, i've had like a hundred brothers at my apartment in the past year.

the fact that i live out of my operational crackhouse is irrelevant.

TheBigO said...

Wow, you call me out on your site, I respond, and you come back with all your flunkys. Hilarious. That'll teach me to mess with a bunch of bored clowns who know I can't get to 'em so they grow a set and start talkin shit. I wonder how this situation would go were we in person. Whatever, I'm done, keep sweatin a brotha and you may realize how white girls feel.

Big Jim, you're real tough online dude. Scary.


Next??

TheBigO said...

"Why, I bet if this were an NHL blog, there would be a suprising amount of white athlete bashing"

No, it'd be just a bunch of white boys talking about how much Jerome Iginla sucks, but nice try.

wunderlichin' good said...

I have no idea who Jerome Iginla is because hockey ceased to exist a few years back, but that sounds like a mixed name. Sure Jerome is a black guy, but Iginla is Dutch or something for sure. I'm with thebigo on this one as I've never seen a post on this site make fun of white guys. Just black guys like Rex Grossman, the brothers Manning, and Holly Mangold. I don't see color but my friends tell me I'm white.

TheBigO said...

Fuckin flunkys, jesus christ you cats are bored. At least I have an excuse, I was actually addressed, the rest of you clowns, wow, just pathetic. I realize that even acknowledging MMP's ignorant jab makes me look bad, but you flunkys are just incredible. Jock ridin' bitches.

Big Jim Slade said...

Big Jim, you're real tough online dude. Scary.

Well, if I'M online, and YOU'RE online...wouldn't that make us BOTH pretty fake online tough dudes?

Big Mike Rich said...

Don't listen to him, he's a nigger, he's a nigger, 50 years ago...........

wunderlichin' good said...

I'm only 7 years old and you just called me a fuckin flunky... and then took the Lord's name in vain. Ted Haggard condemns you.

Monday Morning Punter said...

Shit, O. You're probably just Vietnamese. My bad.

wunderlichin' good said...

...and I'm at work on Friday afternoon... yes, I'm bored... and does anyone else struggle to read the word verification?

TheBigO said...

"wouldn't that make us BOTH pretty fake online tough dudes? "

Naw dude, because you came at me unprovoked like a little bitch. I said nothing to you, you took it upon yourself to come at me. You're a ho, you come at me online with tough talk, but in my presence you'd be singin a different tune.

TheBigO said...

"Shit, O. You're probably just Vietnamese."

You never know, that's why you look so ignorant for callin me out and attaching my name to BET, I could be a fuckin Mexican for all you know, next are you gonna include me in your telemundo references?

Monday Morning Punter said...

FUCK! I forogt Telemundo!

(is that letter in word verification a V or a U?)

Otto Man said...

How could you forget Telemundo, Señor Ding-Dong?

cecil_espy said...

bushleague-standard-no-HD broadcast looked like 8-bit nintendo 10yd Drive

What the fuck, it's Ten Yard Fight, although Ten Yard Drive would be a funny name for a football game about the Raiders this year.

dusty said...

Is the battle between bigO and MMP going to be shown on cable or PPV?

Koos said...

My theory? The big O doesn't really exist. It's really MMP dressed in drag and drinking an extrodinary amount of Strawberry-Peach Boones Farm Wine until he sees double and starts arguing with himself.

'Cause those posts are funny. And I have a hard time contemplating someone so stupid as to write stuff so funny UNINTENTIONALLY.

Then again, I'm proll'y a "fuckin' flunky" or some sume nonsense, simply for commenting in a commenting thread,
{ k }

PS - Can my new signature be "get my name outta' your mouth?" Please?

wflcannon said...

Just to be pricks the NFLN is also snapping up bowl games, to give them more leverage. Naturally, they happened to acquire the Insight Bowl. Just fucking great--no Vikings-Fudgepackers week 16 and no Gophers bowl game.