I hate to beat a dead horse, but this is fucking bullshit.
There was a healthy amount of bitching last week when the NFL broadcast its marquee Thanksgiving matchup on its own Network, instead of free network TV, and shut out millions of potential viewers in the process. Shut the fuck up, I thought. You're already getting two free games. All you're missing is Jake Plummer and Trent Green, the AFC's answers to Brett Favre and Drew Bledsoe, respectively (And did you see that shit in SI where the Chiefs were voted to have some of the best unis in sports? What the fuck? I've seen slabs of concrete that were better designed).
Besides, I thought, I already have the NFL Network on my cable package. I won't have that problem. Won't happend to me. And, even better, I can watch my Bengals play the Ravens next week. I'll actually get a Bengals game down here in East Buttfuck, SC. And all will be right with the world.
But earlier tonight, about 3 minutes before kickoff, I flipped on said Network, and this is what I found:
Actually, I wish I would have seen this, so I wouldn't have had to wait for a scrolling ticker to tell me that I was NOT GETTING THE FUCKING GAME EVEN THOUGH I WAS WATCHING THE VERY SHIT-ASSED NETWORK ON WHICH IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BROADCAST.
No Chad Johnson touchdowns. No shitty dances from God's Linebacker. Just shitty NFL films reruns. Not my game. Not any game. Not tonight.
This network situation, simply, will not stand. These cocksucks are not fucking with my allegiances. It's bad enough that I have to go through life feeling like shit that I don't drive a Hummer, eat every meal at Olive Garden, or use other luxurious items like Colgate Total. All I want to do is watch football, and the League and these fucking cable people are cockblocking me worse than my fucking mom. Playing with my football is like playing with my emotions.
The NFL Network insists it's not their fault, like some fuckfaced 6-year-old standing over a broken cookie jar. You just look for an hour and then sit on the porch like a goon. You get your ass out there and you air those fucking games!
And then there's the Subset B of aspiring child molesters: the fucking cable people. They say it's too expensive to add the NFLN to basic service. No, really. How can any organization with a natural monopoly on a service used by 5 of out every 6 GODDAMN PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY look at any single thing in the world and go, "Ya know, money's kinda tight right now." Bullshit. I call bullshit on you, sirs.
Well, fuck them too. Here's a quote from one of those sorry, broke assholes, who probably has a parade of Lithuanians parade to his fucking bedroom to tie his shoes in the morning:
If we put all expensive sports programming on the standard tier of service, that would increase our rates to all of our customers, even those who didn't particularly care about football or these games,
Those who didn't particularly care about football or these games? Did I just fucking read that? What about that other group, Those That Don't Give A Flying Fuck About Animal Planet/ABC Family/A&E/Lifetime/We/Style Network/E!/BET (sorry, thebigo)/History Channel/TV Land/FoodNetwork/HGTV or their rigamarole? I would think this group dwarfs the librarians, dog owners, and interior decorators that don't particularly care about football. (Actually, bigo, I'm not sorry. Go turn a barstool upside-down and sit on it).
I got cable to watch football. That was it. I don't beat it to Mariska Hargitay and I don't need to watch Star Trek marathons. I want Boise State-Fresno State. I want Florida-Arkansas. And I want Bengals-Ravens. So that's it. I'm cancelling cable tomorrow. Both of these fucks can keep counting their money for all I care. At least none of it will be mine.