Wednesday, November 8, 2006

KSK Midterm Erection Bukkake Ballot - Most Valuable Player (For Cheap Jokes)

Choose one of the following people listed. You may not vote more than once. The Most Valuable Player award is useful for engaging in barroom discussions, but otherwise we don't really give a shit about that here at KSK. We're far more interested in which current NFL player, sportswriter, broadcaster or coach (NOTE: this means MoClo doesn't count) has provided us with the best comic fodder for this first half of the year. Write-in candidates heartily accepted. Polls close at a yet to be determined hour. Results at the end of the week or early next week.


Ben Roethlisberger:
Pro: Spate of hilarious injuries and poor play managed to make Charlie Batch seem like attractive option.
Con: What am I going to do with you? You simply won't... die..


Chris Simms:
Pro: Gay. Horrible spleen injury quite funny since it didn't happen to us.
Con: Placement on IR prevents second half on-field gayness.


Peter King:
Pro: Actually wrote this on Monday: "I would like to put that annoying (Manning)-can't-win-the-big-one story to bed. A quarterback just can't play better than Manning's playing."
Con: Gets all huffy when you invite commenters to call his daughter a dirty whore.


Terrell Owens:
Pro: Tried to kill self.
Con: Failed to succeed.


Chris Henry:
Pro: Multiple arrests, plus an impromptu boot and rally (though aren't they all?).
Con: Accomplishments diluted by comic hijinks of the rest of the Bengals roster.


Pacman Jones:
Pro: Can outspit even Keith Hernandez.
Con: Needs to play in a bigger market to take advantage of endorsement opportunities for Alize and Full Throttle.


Bill Simmons:
Pro: Actually wrote this after the Bears-Cardinals game: "So when Leinart was picking apart a heavily hyped Bears defense on a recent Monday night, I, unlike the announcers, wasn't even remotely surprised."
Con: Difficult to accept award with head so far up own ass.


Peyton Manning:
Pro: Has once again managed to dominate football media despite having all the charisma of Steve in Accounting.
Con: Only performs humorous choke jobs in the second half.


Joe Theismann/Michael Irvin (pictured)/Chris Berman:
Pro: Not a week has gone by without at least one of these men doing something to piss me off
Con: Too easy.


Dennis Green:
Pro: Press conferences managed to make Jim Mora the Elder seem thoughtful and coherent.
Con: Cardinals officially became more tragic than comic after Bears game.

32 comments:

Christmas Ape said...

Sadly, it has to go to Ben. The others, while certainly most generous in the production of hilarity, are mostly continuing hijinx and dumbfuckery from the past. Roethlisberger has really come into his own in the last 6 months. t's hard to pick Simms when his season was done so early. Ben is the retard that keep retarding.

Hanky, please.

Big Daddy Drew said...

I will also personally vote for Big Ben.

C. said...

I add my vote for Ben. It's gone beyond comedy to horrific black humor, and so quickly.

peytonloveskenny said...

As much as I don't want to, I vote for Ben.

Captain Caveman said...

Runaway winner: Big Ben. No one can touch the impressive campaign he's put together.

Awful Chief said...

Roy Williams, Detroit Lions.
- After week 1 6-9 loss to Seattle:
"It was stupid how close we were to putting 40 points on the board."

- Guaranteed victory at Chicago in week 2. Bears won 34-7.

-Going into last week he said they would win 9 straight and make the playoffs.

-After win vs Falcons:
"We've got the best quarterback in the league." AND
"We're the best 2-6 team in the league."

doug_plank said...

Big Ben-

His luck is so bad he should be a starting pitcher on the Cubs.

Rob I said...

I was going to bullet my vote for Ben but really, Jeremy Shockey always deserves attention in these contests.

Unsilent Majority said...

Chris Henry is a God amongst men (and Peyton)

Spectacular Sam said...

Douchebag Peter King.

rock_n_rye said...

Roy Williams may say some stupid shit (he is a Texas grad after all), but he is third in the league in recieving yards.
That being said, it has to be Ben Roethlisberger. Nobody has come up with more entertaining was of injuring one's self in a long time.

Claude Balls said...

Could we have some more votes for some of the brothers before thebigo blows another gasket?

I hade to type "cixovadn" to post this comment. Is that the new blood pressure medicine or the erectile dysfunction pill?

Josh said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Josh said...

Peter King. I can't stand reading about Buttfucks anymore.

8hrdrive said...

"cixovadn" is for male enhancement. 4"+ to be exact, and mindblowing girth. we're talkin' coffee cans. I finally can say, "I'm a footlong!"
Thanks, cixovadn!
"qmarsx" is for blood pressure. I take that too.

Big Jim Slade said...

I gotta give it up for Denny Green; I have a soft-spot for the "disgruntled-post-game-so-pissed-they-make-no-sense" rants.

SIDEBAR: I accidentally posted this first in the "Heisman Bong" comments section. That's some irony, right there.

Mike said...

T.O. is ALWAYS good for a laugh. My vote goes to him.

epsknows said...

Barbaro

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

better yet, the fucking people who write letters to barbaro.

Giddy said...

I'll vote for Big Ben.

If this were extended to non-athletes, I'd definitely nominate the College Game Day fans making all those endearing signs about Lee Corso.

Rich Mahogany said...

Simmons, whose formerly-repressed self-loathing has started to manifest in his columns, fostered by the fact that his shrill, nagging wife is soundly beating him with her picks this season.

Otto Man said...

TO. He even fucked up his own suicide.

Cameron (Go Lions) said...

Dennis Green, if only because he is the only one on the list whom I repeatedly quote while blackout drunk.

Joe Asheville said...

Mike Gottfried and Pam Ward:
Who would have thought Someone with advanced Alzheimer’s could be so funny.
And his Play-By-Play Guy is the perfect Straight Man.

Jerry MaDick said...

Can we have a run off? I vote Irvin and Berman. When will Berman realize he sucks?

The Pirate Sloth said...

If only I could vote for the Miami Hurricanes and the season they're having...

but alas, we're talking the NFL here.

My vote would have to go with Bob Costas.
Pros: He's short, he looks like he should be Luke Skywalker's little baby brother who never got to play with the T-16, he's got 0 personality and appeal, he in no way looks like he is qualified to speak about football (or any other sport...well, MAYBE tabble tennis, but that's a stretch), he has no analyzing skills whatsoever, Collingsworth looks like a strategy genius next to him, he says stupid shit every week, he likes to repeat obvious and redudant facts about the game.

Cons: He looks like the kid next doors younger retarded brother so you kinda feel sorry for him, despite having 0 personailty he has had multiple sports broadcasting jobs and makes more money than me, he gets to interview hot women athletes and I get to interview bar flies on the late nights, he's being out-dumbassed by the likes of Irvin, Berman, Theismann, Madden, Michaels, Sean Salisbury (he of the Battlebots fame), and Joe Buck to the point where no one really hates him anymore but me.

Combat Chuck said...

I reluctantly agree with the Big Ben nomination.

*Stares at lately unworn Roethlisberger jersey, holds back tears.*

the dude said...

Most if not everything that comes out of Berman's mouth pisses me off.

But c'mon it's got to be Denny Green, he provided the comment of the year and bitch slapped a microphone. And he lost to the Raaaaaaaaaaidahhhsss!

Landru said...

While Ben has been pure comedy gold all year and is a jackass, and I'd love to vote for him to express my unparalleled hatred for the Steelers (for a non-Ravens, non-Bengals fan), I am intrigued by the funny of Christina Simms and the extra hole where her spleen used to be. Although tattooed chicks don't do much for me.

Sports on the Moon said...

The problem with this year is there are too many to even list. Not enough bandwidth. I like the Bengals as a best performance by a group (by a nose over Miami/FIU). Denny Green and Art Shell, best performance by a duo. And no one tops T.O. for individual performance. I am tempted to go for Ben, but not quite. If only Simms and Big Ben had been on that bike together, with Ben wearing assless leather chaps, and Ben also lost his spleen along with the appendix, and had been arrested with Henry, and he was caught injecting Merriman's butt...but not to be.

TheBigSecret said...

Sure, Big Ben is a solid choice, and you couldn't go wrong selecting perennial dickshit T.O., I'd cast my vote for Denny Green. We hadn't seen a post-game blow-up as splendid as his in a while. While Denny and the Buzzsaw are exactly who I thought they were, their chokejob did lead to the phrase "bullshit bullshit" being added to our vocabulary. A fine showing all around.

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