Tuesday, November 21, 2006

When you got so much to say, it's called gratitude...

Have you ever found yourself at a Thanksgiving function where for some incomprehensible, infathomable, inexplicable reason they don't have the football game on the television? This happens to me almost every year, and never fails to piss me off. My in-laws have an enormous extended family and it seems every year Thanksgiving dinner is held at yet another cousin/aunt/ who-the-hell-knows' house at some remote location in South Fucking Cackalackee.

Thanksgiving memories: "Eat faster! Holmgren's coming!"

Regardless of which relation (who I may or may not have met years ago at the wedding and have long since forgotten) hosts Thanksgiving, two things remain consistent. First, a woefully disparate chairs-to-asses ratio. I'll never know why someone would invite over 50 people when they have maybe a dozen chairs in the whole rinky-dink place. Is this how I am expected to spend my holiday? People are standing around eating like it's a goddam refugee camp. Indigents at the Salvation Army have a more comfortable dining experience. Second, and far, far more egregious, is that nowhere in this grossly overcrowded shanty is a television tuned to the football game.

Apparently, Norman Rockwell started out his career painting
homo-erotic magazine covers . That pilgrim looks like Bruce Campbell.


Fortunately, I long ago overcame any reservations I may have entertained about making it perfectly clear I need to see the football game immediately. There's no point in wasting time dropping subtle hints like, "Jesus Christ, have you hillbillies even heard of football?" These people are far too dense to pick up on nuanced cues like that. I usually just grab the remote and start clicking until I hear Jim Nantz breathlessly pimping Phil Simms' bullshit 'iron award'.

Occasionally, someone might squawk about my unilateral programming adjustment. What? Your kid wants to watch "A Yogi Bear & Friends Christmas"??? Fuck her. I'm sweating balls to make the playoffs in my money league, I got Kevin Jones' raggedy ass going at 12:30, and I sure as hell intend to watch it.

Fuck. These. Guys.

However, all this self-absorbed bitching and moaning is a roundabout way of leading to what I am truly thankful for this year-- the long-overdue addition of a third Thanksgiving game. Usually, the NFL, given a choice between A, B and C-- "C" being a shit sandwich--- will pick the latter. But adding a third Thanksgiving game is a stroke of sheer, unqualified genius. (Frankly, I am so overjoyed at the promise of the more football, that I am willing to overlook, albeit temporarily, the return to the NFL of the smarmy dickheadmanship that is Bryant Gumbel.)

"I realize many of you
may not get the NFL Network.
Sucks to be you.
Have fun watching 'It's a Wonderful Life'
or some other weak shit. Loser."


For years, Thanksgiving football has provided an attractive alternative to actually carrying on a conversation with my in-laws. Now, with the addition of the prime-time game I am assured three additional hours in which I can avoid any human interaction whatsoever. And that, amigos, is something for be thankful for. Let's play three.



Note: Another thing I am thankful for every year-- easy jokes:

"My buddy Bob Sacamano once committed career suicide."

28 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

Even Lomez thinks Kramer got a bit carried away.

swing4 said...

Even more shocking than flubby managing to secure a bride? thebigo is married, too! Mail order business from the Phillipines must be booming.

I'm thankful for KSK's humorous holiday post, especially since it is at someone else's expense.

highonLowe said...

Turkey is white meat, so Kramer has no problem eating it on Thanksgiving

8hrdrive said...

That Roger Goodell is one funny dude. Is that a quote?

Poor folk don't have satellite and therefore cannot purchase NFL lisenced gear or products of NFL advertisers. Except for the beer.

The NFL giveth and the NFL can keepeth from thou if thou iseth a tightass that wonth spring for premium television programming.

The Pirate Sloth said...

To quote the linked NFL.com article:

"Bryant is a premier broadcaster with impeccable credentials..." and "Cris has proven himself to be the top analyst in football and his presence establishes instant credibility to our telecasts."

These 2 statements are more full of shit than...well, I actually can't think of any other 2 statements in history so loaded with bullshit.

Claude Balls said...

Sloth:

"I did not have sex with that woman, Miss Lewinsky."

"We'll be welcomed as liberators by the Iraqis."

But, I get your point.

Otto Man said...

Did Collinsworth get the Thanksgiving job because of his turkey neck?

Combat Chuck said...

This post was hilarious, flubby. My other Thanksgiving football peeve is when you have to visit two different homes (say, your parents and your in-laws), and you've got no choice but to make the trip from one house to the next during the 4th quarter of the first game. So you try to listen to it on the radio, but AM sucks, and when you get to the next house, someone inevitably chides you for missing the "comeback of the year", or something like that.

Smello said...

I'm actually more than a little distraught due to my inability to get the NFL Network. (Thank you Time Warner.) The sting is only slightly lessened by the fact that I don't have to listen to Mr. Gumble.

mistermeastyspleen said...

This post sums up exactly why I have historicly hated Thanksgiving. Ass to chair ratio, hillbillies who don't know what football is, leaving in the 4th quarter to go to Mom's. Not. This.Year. Granny broke a hip, and wants to be left alone, Mom is doing Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday (whatever)and my house, equipped with DirecTV and the NFL Network, will be hosting 2 parent in laws and 1 loser brother in law. Oh yeah, did I mention that I will be in complete control of the remote? Bring On Thanksgiving!!

becky said...

And this...is my BOOM STICK.

you can come to my house. I always make sure the game is on somewhere.

Matt said...

Thanksgiving is the best holiday possible. The third game might be excessive, but if it means having to spend less with my crazy-ass sister, I'm all for it. I'm also leaving Friday night to see a college football game, avoiding the family tradition of having to do my dad's yardwork everyyear.

Draft Dodgers said...

Besides the aforementioned torments, us sack sack Canucks have to sit through back-to-back CFL "classics" with our fat-ass uncle expounding the exploits of Frank Clair.
Anyhow, we're still sorry for giving Jeff Garcia his big break.

Signal to Noise said...

I have to work on Thanksgiving this year. One of the TVs will be on the games while I am on shift -- this is a guarantee and also was put in writing as a job demand when I was hired.

Captain Caveman said...

Becky, I love the new pic. You're cordially invited to Brooklyn for a long night of holding and roughing the passer.

Mike said...

draft dodgers, on behalf of all Americans, I accept your apology.

My Thanksgiving will be pizza, beer, and football. HELL YEAH!

tbart213 said...

Dude,

I think our wives are related.

See you Thursday, and I've got your back.

dusty said...

I have NEVER fell for the bullshit reasoning that Thanksgiving is a day to spend w/family. FUCK those football-challenged nimrods.

I head out early to a friends house to drink his beer and watch him deep-fry my turkey. I get home in time to watch the first game and during half time I toss the StoveTop on, open a can of corn and canberry shit and toss the rolls in the oven for a whole five minutes. We then eat in front of the widescreen.

Oh, and I got the Dish just to make sure I could watch this newest of traditions..the 3rd thanksgiving game of the day. Of course the friggin ball and chain is making me return the Dish next week, the prick.

Life is good.

Unsilent Majority said...

Sorry CC but Becky is clearly stalking me, what with stealing the posters straight off the wall of my old apartment in tucson

becky said...

CC-
you live in brooklyn? I live in brooklyn! we'll be best friends!

UM-
not so much. that's not my apt. I don't do "artsy." just fun movie and sports posters in my crib.

Otto Man said...

Anyone else worried that Becky's going to be the Yoko Ono of this group?

Don't succumb to temptation, boys! Resist!

Captain Caveman said...

Yes... "friends."

Do you live in "L" Brooklyn or "F" Brooklyn?

becky said...

otto man, you shut your mouth when you're talking um...about...me.

CC, it's actually 2/3/4/5/A/C/F/V/M/R brookyn. The G is a couple blocks away too but I avoid it at all costs.
"L" brooklyn has hipsters. hencetoforth, I do not go there. ever.

Captain Caveman said...

Do you live at Borough Hall or something? Brooklyn Heights?

You hate hispters? I hate hipsters! We really are going to be best friends.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Are there 2 beckys now? My Sloth mind is trying really hard to grasp that. And it might take a while at that.

BoSox Siobhan said...

Thank God both Beckys have avatars now. I was getting so confused before. Bet there will never be another Siobhan. If a bitch tries, I will kill.
Oh, and I hate hipsters too. It's a party. And yes, it's 4:02 and I'm still at work. These fuckers are trying to suck the life out of me.

becky said...

the heights it is, or as I like to call it, "manhattan lite- now with less douchebags."
we can boycott w-burg together.
I have you pegged for a park slope kinda guy.

sloth- I watched a show about sloths last night. they really are awesome animals. rock on.

Otto Man said...

Becky, I will henceforth shut my mouth when talking about you. Anyone who hates Williamsburg hipsters is good by me. Personally, I think we should be allowed to shoot those trucker-hat douchebags on sight.