It's astounding that Peyton Manning can go into Denver, perform a complete vivisection of the Broncos' defense, and have no one outside of the media even remotely give a shit (his fantasy owners excepted). Media people, of course, creamed their jeans over it. But, at this point, Manning could throw 7 TD passes in the final minute of a game to rally his team to win, and most fans would shrug. It's almost as if the regular season has become a series of exhibitions for Manning, and that the only real game(s?) he'll play this year will be in the playoffs. Here's the underrated Don Banks of SI paying Manning the ultimate backhanded compliment:
Peyton Manning is simply the best quarterback in NFL history to still not have won anything of lasting significance.
Again, this is like being named Hottest Lesbian in the Navy. I'm pretty sure Dave Krieg is #2 on that list. Manning commands an offense like no other quarterback ever has. Until the playoffs, when he suddenly morphs into an 8-year-old boy who looks like he just had his lunch money stolen. Which is why people like me have grown immune to his stunning regular season achievements. No one else manages to be so fantastic and simultaneously so unconvincing. Except for Nicole Kidman. No wonder they both fuck country singers.
All of this makes Sunday Night's huge showdown with the Patriots sort of moot. Manning and the Colts crushed the Pats in the regular season last year, then proceeded to shit the bed in the playoffs anyway, against a team led by a QB who probably needs a recipe card to make a ham sandwich. Sunday's game is certain to be interesting, but it almost certainly won't be an indicator as to what will happen in January. That, of course, won't stop Peter King from saying things like:
Manning-Brady VIII. There can't be enough hype.
Actually, there can be, shitbox. It's the eighth game of the year for both teams. And, considering that the complexion of the league changes almost by the week these days, I'm quite certain this won't the one Game That Changes Everything. It'll be a good game, and it'll give me another tremendous excuse to drink. But it's not the playoffs. And Peyton Manning knows the difference all too well.
But I'm not here to analyze Peyton Manning. I'm here to make fun of him and his shoddy complexion. And I may as well make fun of that asschin Tom Brady while I'm at it. That's right. It's time to break out the pro and con lists and decide once and for all...
Quien Es Mas Macho? Senor Peyton Manning O Senor Tom Brady?
-Having nuts resting comfortably on Phil Simms' chin makes Manning more confident in the pocket
-Acting skills almost make you think he has a personality
-Mooned a female trainer in college. No one gets sexually harassed quite like female trainers. And you know what? They totally like it. Ask the one that sued me that one time. Deep thigh bruise, my ass. She wanted the Drewwurst. Filthy strumpet.
-Able to read despite U. of Tennessee education
-Knows how to escape from being trapped inside a football in the rain
-Majored in speech communications, which means he can talk
-Was drafted #1 overall, which totally means something
-Rocks the black cleats with the Colts uni, which I'd argue is the best uni in the NFL if I were queer
-Doesn't have narrow spinal canal
-Not as ugly as Eli
-According to bio, "would lie awake at night as an 8th grader listening to tapes of his father Archie's college games at Mississippi." So you see, choking may be a learned skill as opposed to an inherited one.
-Mother was a Homecoming Queen, so genetically skilled at winning meaningless accolades
-May have Down's Syndrome
-Peter King only lets Manning work the mouth. He saves the lunchbox for Brady and Favre.
-Hasn't won a Super Bowl and never will
-In desperate need of exfoliant
-Excellent fantasy player until Week 14, when he does in fantasy playoffs what he does in real playoffs
-Peyton is a girl's name. Pussy.
-Grew up with Anne Rice and Trent Reznor as neighbors. Apparently, like deaths, flameouts come in threes.
-Also bores children as well as adults
-Once got a C in math, but it was totally the rest of his study group's fault.
-Having nuts resting comfortably on Bill Simmons' chin makes Brady more confident in the pocket
-Chingada la bella Bridget Moynihan, tal vez en el culo! Ella no es un Ugly Betty!
-Won 3 Super Bowl titles. Two of which came on game-winning drives, where the Pats had to score or else... oh wait, they were tied both times when he led those drives? So they could have just gone to OT? Eh, kinda takes the heroism out of it.
-Able to make grown heterosexual men examine his body language
-Provides inspiration to a legion of brainless douchebags all over greater New England
-Unlike former White House press secretary James Brady, knows how to dodge things
-Waiting to frost tips until retirement
-Knows turning down $1 million in bonus money is worth $5 million more in media dicksucking
-Chingada le fea Tara Reid! No es bueno!
-Misses Deion Branch so much, sometimes it just drives him crazy
-Couldn't beat out Drew Henson for a starting job in college, yet now a Pro Bowl QB. Como se dice "product of the system"?
-Personality makes Manning's seem colorful by comparison
-From California. Flaky ass dipshit.
-Joe Theismann says Manning gives him a way better Angry Pirate.
-Posed for this picture
-Apparently isn't very well known
-flubby says it was a fucking fumble.
-Drafted as a catcher by the Expos. Guess he couldn't hack it. Pussy.
-Once hosted SNL. Nothing shows people you're funny like having Tina Fey write obnoxiously coy jokes for you.
-Lifelong Catholic. Enjoys volunteering at Covenant House a little too much.
-Good person. Plays the game the way is should be played. Enormously successful. America fucking hates people like that, Brady. Suck our collective balls. You fucking ballbag.
In the end, you sort of wish both sides could lose. But we must choose the more macho man here, and that man is...
UPDATE: I'd be remiss if I didn't point out, at my own behest, that Sunday's game could go a long way to determining homefield advantage in the AFC. But, given that Manning has disappointed both at home and away in the playoffs, my argument still stands. Oh, and if you'd like to read a similar article, only 13 times longer and with 1,000 needless Celtics references, click here.