Tuesday, November 7, 2006

KSK Midterm Erection Bukkake Ballot - Fantasy Players Who Deserve To Be Shot

We have decided that our midterm Erection Bukkake will now last the entire week. For this vote, choose three of the following ten players listed. Cast your vote in the comments. You may not vote more than once. Electoral fraud could shift the balance of power in the Fantasy Shithouse from douchebags to assbags unfairly, and we can't let that happen. Polls close at a yet to be determined hour. Results at the end of the week or early next week.


Shaun Alexander:
Crimes: Drafted #1 overall in many leagues, Alexander has played sparingly and underperformed when in the lineup. Foot healed by Jesus, who apparently does not have a specialty in orthopedics. Wife has pancake ass.


Chad Johnson:
Crimes: Continually underperforms despite being perfectly healthy and capable. Infrequent TD celebrations have been unimaginative at best. Being black does not make him exempt from the rule that any guy named Chad is a complete assbag.


Daunte Culpepper:
Crimes: Injured. Shitty. Best season was recent enough to be a complete cocktease. Couldn't read a defense even if he had a teleprompter installed in his helmet.


Lamont Jordan:
Crimes: Plays for horrific team. May be benched for independent Jewish running back Lieberman Jordan.


Cadillac Williams:
Crimes: Emulates hero Curtis Martin by averaging .0008 yards per carry. Actually managed to overtake Mike Alstott as the most overrated runner in Bucs history.


Edgerrin James:
Crimes: Offensive line is not who he thought they was. Big signing bonus means he eat rots of Benihana food rate at night.


Reggie Bush:
Crimes: Being the next Peter Warrick. Repeatedly mistaking the sideline for the end zone.


Domanick Davis:
Crimes: Did you hold your draft sometime in mid-August? Yeah? Then fuck this guy. Am I right?


Kurt Warner, Drew Bledsoe:
Crimes: Making you think they weren't washed up when they really have been for ages, but were surrounded by enough skill position talent that you thought maybe, JUST maybe they'd find some old magic and produce great numbers. But they fucking sucked like they always do and now you're in last place because you had to start Bruce Gradkowski last week. I mean, fuck. Seriously. Fuck.

Cast your vote NOW!

59 comments:

Monday Morning Punter said...

Warner and Bledsoe thank you for your support.

Rob I said...

I'm Chris Chambers and I disapprove of this election being held without me.

TheBigO said...

Wow, you actually put a couple white guys on there huh? Yeah they are the most obvious in the world but it's amazing to me that they are even listed. Couldn't find at least a few more brothas to throw under the bus? I know you can. Oh, BTW you're wrong being black does make him exept from the Chad name thing, didn't you get that memo?

Posts chastizing my pointing out that you seem a little biased in 3,2...................

KillBillWirtz said...

Shaun Alexander - a reason against God's existence that Richard Dawkins didn't use in his Time discussion with Francis Collins.

Cadillac Williams - He runs like he's missing a spleen.

Lamont Jordan - Edgerrin James 2 years ago.

Christmas Ape said...

Ben Roethlisberger, Santonio Holmes and Chaz Batch (for not killing Cowher and marching onto the field)

Jerry MaDick said...

Randy Moss feels left out. He even went all out last night to make this list in time by dropping several balls to make up for being on a bad team.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Bigo, feel free to write in Neil Rackers. I would've included more white skill position players, but Keith Elias wasn't drafted very high in my league.

TheBigO said...

Rothliswhatever has fuckin sucked, Carson Palmer hasn't exactly set the world on fire, Bulger hasn't done much, Delhomme has been quite pedestrian, Li'l Manning ain't shit. All these guys were probably high fantasy picks (i don't play that shit so I'm not 100% sure) and none of them have been too productive for a fantasy team owner why did none of them make the list? I apologize that the only white guys I could think of were QB's, if you know of any playing the skill positions that would be big in fantasy football, please enlighten me. Is Kevin Curtis a huge fantasy pick? if so how has he been? Bennett, Looker, Stokley, Welker?? Hello?? Anybody?? I tried to think of some running backs but that would require extensive research, are there any this season, backups even?

Unsilent Majority said...

jesus christ big o...where are you getting this from?

Marc Bulger has been fucking unreal this season (13/1 td to int ratio is a good indicator). he and "lil manning" are both top ten fantasy quarterbacks.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Big Ben could be considered a bust, but he wasn't a very highly regarded fantasy QB to begin with. Unfortunately, the most disappointing players in fantasy this year just also happen to be black. And I think we all know what that means.

Fantasy football is totally fucking racist.

Unsilent Majority said...

some may say shaun alexander should win this award, but my fantasy team is 7-2 and he's barely been in my lineup...then again, i'm brilliant (for a guy who drafted the madden coverboy).

Awful Chief said...

As a nonvoting DC resident, it gives me great pleasure to take part in this.
1) Shawn Alexander
2) Chad Johnson
3) Daunte Culpepper
These were the most disappointing black players on the list that this white fantasy team owner living below the Mason-Dixon Line could find.

TheBigO said...

Ok well, then I stand corrected on Marc Bulger, I just wish he was having his worst season ever, Eli too, but what about the other dudes?

Bender said...

Appropos of nothing, but I totally want that Mr. Glass figurine/doll/action figure. Not only was he a completely badass character,(in an oddly unbadass movie) but in a few years when M. Night Shamalamadingdong's head explodes from the pressure of his own ego, it totally skyrocket in value. It'll be worth hundreds of dollars.

Literally...hundreds.

Unsilent Majority said...

as for the others, delhomme and palmer haven't been great but they're having a hell of a lot more success than the quarterbacks listed.

peytonloveskenny said...

Tiki...er, uh, Shaun Alexander has to be first. Ocho Cinco is second, and Reggie third.

TheBigO said...

ok, well fine I guess I can't be upset when the list is predominatly black when we DOMINATE the sport, whatever. BTW, I saw that Borat flick and it was funny as hell, I'll put it in my top ten funniest flicks of all time but as I suspected Friday is still funnier, too many funny people in one flick compared to just one very funny cat.

Eric said...

- Chad Johnson
- Daunte Culpepper (fuck you daunte)
- Shawn Alexander

robustyoungsoul said...

Lamont Jordan gets my vote. I drafted him, then traded Chad Johnson for Alexander. Talk about a triple threat.

Mike said...

I'll go with Edge, Cadillac, and Daunte.

Josh said...

Culpecker. I'm so glad he decided to rehab at a strip mall next to a chinese joint to piss off Brad Childress so he would drop his sucky ass.

Christmas Ape said...

But Mos Def is supposed to be the Black Dante.

Josh said...

And by choosing Daunte, he's for all 3 of my votes, because he sucks that much.

flubby said...

1. Alexander (Wasn't he is the top 3 of every preseason list?)

2. Cadillac (I traded Anquan Boldin straight up to get Cadillac. At least Boldin's not doing shit either.)

3. Culpepper (I am Daunte's bitch. I had him in 2004 and life was sweet. I need to just let it go.)

PhillyGirl said...

It's gotta be the QBs - Bledsoe, Warner and Culpepper.

But how about Hasselback? He's been crap in the 4 or 5 games he's played in - remember the chicago game? God! And now I am stuck with Andrew f-ing Walter as my QB.

ok bonus - he's white!

FuckingBrian said...

Randy Moss. It's unreal how much of a non-factor he's been. I traded him straight up for Andre Johnson in the begining of the season and got mercilessly mocked. Now AJ is leading the league in yards reiving and Moss ... has a juice shop?

doug_plank said...

In my league the draft went-
Larry Johnson
Sean Alexander
Ladanian Tomilinson

All LT does is score every week.

If you have to start a TE every week, I'm sure Antonio Gates is not make you happy compared to last year.

Big Jim Slade said...

Dear bigo:

1. Ryan Leaf
2. Brian Bosworth
3. Tony Mandarich

Hope that helps...

Larry Bird Flu said...

Definitely Alexander, Daunte and Chad Johnson.

Bush shouldn't be on there because he was always going to be splitting time with Deuce, and obvious that Deuce was going to get goal line carries.

Chad, though, should have been fine. It's mostly the Bengals o-line that's doing him in (and I know, because I have Rudi Johnson getting 60 ypg this year).

Lamont has been hurt, and he's being coached by a guy who was running a B&B last year (or some such shit).

At least I traded Edge + Marty Booker for Portis around week 3. Hooray for me.

doug_plank said...

What does Steve Blass have to do with Culpepper?

Cody said...

1. Shaun Alexander
2. Daunte Culpepper
3. Lamont Jordan

Sure, Edge has been terrible and sure, Davis fucked over a lot of teams. But I kept Alexander and drafted the other 2 fucktards in the first 3 rounds, so they can go to hell.

Unsilent Majority said...

ok people...it's S-H-A-U-N!

doug_plank said...

My bad UM, being Irish and drunk doesn't help my spelling.

The Pirate Sloth said...

My three votes:

1 - Drew Bledsoe
2 - Edgerrin James
3 - Daunte Culpepper

Fondled by Foley said...

where the fuck is mamula?

becky said...

I have reggie bush AND caddy in my FFL.
so my top 2 votes go equally to both of them, along with a big "fuck you."
3rd place goes to culpepper, just because I feel your pain if you started him at all.

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

1. edge. he can go fucking catch herpes from leinart for all i care. fucker ruined my team with the no. 4 pick. (of course. that fucking no. 4 pick).

2. culpepper. doesn't he have a boat to captain?

3. alexander. doesn't deserve to fuck that wife of his if he can't play. i'd take over for him, if you don't mind.

Otto Man said...

Shaun and Lamont, for sure. And yes, we are on a first name basis.

Those guys have been the biggest bunch of sucks who ever sucked a suck. Ah, crap, I gotta go. My damn weiner kids are listening.

cecil_espy said...

Reggie Bush was a 2nd round pick in two leagues I play in.

Lamont Jordan was going 4th to 8th in many leagues.

I assumed Culpepper would suck, Chambers is way more of a disappointment.

I'd say Alexander, but I don't equate getting your foot broken with shitting the bed every week.

cecil_espy said...

I guess Vanderjagt is a white bust, someone took him as the first kicker in my Yahoo league.

And Dane Looker. Where's he been?

Otto Man said...

I'm assuming coaches aren't eligible for this simply because we'd all line up Belichek and Shanahan for some serious Jerramy Stevens action.

Combat Chuck said...

Alexander
Culpepper
Chad Johnson

I would also nominate Brad Johnson, mostly because he cost me a win this weekend (damn you, Yahoo! AutoDraft). Throw a touchdown pass, you fucking dinosaur.

TroubleHelix said...

Alexander
nuff said

Rob I said...

There is a congressperson in Indiana with the last name "Chocola". Needless to say, Count Chocola is a republican

C. said...

1. Edgerrin James
2. Daunte Culpepper
3. Chad Johnson

Edge wins because Yahoo won't let me cut him, and I had to trade for crap value. He's the reason I have to hope McNabb hits three TDs a week and the Vikes' D nabs an INT or two.

It's hard for me to put Chris Chambers on the list -- you knew Daunte was a tease and that Harrington was the backup before the draft started. Bledsoe and Warner were disasters waiting to happen.

C. said...

If you have to start a TE every week, I'm sure Antonio Gates is not make you happy compared to last year.

As far as I can tell, the big time TEs aren't doing too hot this year in general. I just don't have a better WR to move into the slot.

I'm not sure if Bush should be there -- rookies are always a fucking crapshoot.

John said...

Statistically, comparing the ESPN average live draft rankings vs stats through week 9, the Top Ten Shitbags are:


Alexander, Shaun (drafted 1st, ranking 164th in pts)
Burleson, Nate (drafted 95th, ranking 222 in pts)
Fitzgerald, Larry (drafted 19th, ranking 132)
Jordan, LaMont (drafted 11th, ranking 118)
McCardell, Keenan (drafted 80th, ranks 171)
Smith, Rod (drafted 83rd, ranks 148)
Johnson, Chad (drafted 13, ranks 81)
Mason, Derrick (dafted 67th, ranks 144)
Droughns, Reuben (drafted 25th, ranks 101)

I'm not sure why they're all black.

LButler36 said...

I nominate the jews

8hrdrive said...

1 Daunte
2 Chad J. (Chad, hahaha)
3 Rueben "Fuckin" Drones

All three of these bastards were picked in order on an auto draft wound up on my fuckin' team. What did I ever do to anyone? Thank God I'm a genius with astute acumen and was able to pull my team into 4th place, playoff eligible.

BTW, Chad is the whitest, black guy name of all time. I'm surprised he went with ocho cinco. Should have been Vlad Johnson, or something. Come on, Chad! You're creative and innovative!

Landru said...

Chad Johnson and Daunte Culpepper, for lifetime achievement in douchebaggery, if nothing else. And Drew Bledsoe, for suddenly turning into such a giant pussy that Tony Romo is a better alternative. Not that I'd draft a Cowboy.

It's not Shaun Alexander's fault they put him on the cover of Madden. And while it is Kurt Warner's fault he's a used douche, anyone who drafted him should have known better.

Kickhisass_seabass said...

Chad Johnson.

That assmunch has been talking for the last 10 months and his stats are pitiful. Time to ditch the grill and smoke a fatty w/ the rest of your team pal. The season is O-VAH.

john said...

bartles and james?

brilliant

BigRicks said...

UM, Delhomme has been worse than pedestrian. He was (I believe) my 2nd round pick (Alexander was my first). I saved my season by trading Joe Horn for Drew Brees and picking the Saints D and Robbie Gould off of Waivers. Long story short, fuck Delhomme and Alexander right in their poopy holes.

Unsilent Majority said...

well it's your own fault for taking a mediocre quarterback in the second round.

Angelos said...

Edge? No 4? Were you on crack? This is ARIZONA we're talking about.

You should have had 2 QBs before you picked up Edge.

He went 12th round in my league.

OkieRover said...

I'm saving all my bullets for...
Kurt Warner, Drew Bledsoe
I didn't fall for their evil ploys. I sadly fell for Tom Brady and Bret "wait til OkieRover starts me to go negative" Favre.
If forced, I'm picking Edegerin James too.

tuluse said...

Anyone who drafted Reggie Bush deserves what they got.

He's a rookie on a team that has an established player at his position. Even with Payton contriving every way to get him on the field he isn't going to see that many touches.

jamesmnordbergjr said...

Daunte Culpepper and Ronnie Brown (drafted in two leagues and benched against the Bears) get half a vote each from me.

xxx said...

Chad Johnson
Shaun Alexander
Anyone on the Dolphins - this remains the year's biggest tease.