Monday, November 27, 2006

F--k It. I'm Throwing It Downfield.


Is that Berrian? I think he's triple-covered. You know what? Fuck it. I'm throwing it downfield.

Yeah, I see Jones open on the flank. But fuck that. Dumpoff passes are for faggots. I'm fucking Sexy Rexy Grossman. I can get that ball in there. And, even if I can't, I bet I'll be able to pull it off the next go round. I like throwing the ball long. It makes my dick hard.

What's that? I should throw a quick slant? Fuck that. That's gay. Button hook? Gay. Flare out? Gay. Screen pass? Kevin Spacey gay. This is fucking football. You can't just expect wins to come to you. You can't massage that shit. You gotta grab that game by the throat and rape the ever-loving shit out of it. You think a 5-yard out is gonna win you a game? You're a pussy. This ain't John Shoop running this offense. Sexy Rexy's got the arm. The dragon. You gotta unleash the dragon.

Okay, I'm throwing it. Nice. Look how far it went. I look good. I bet I made that Pats cheerleader wet her panties with that throw. She fucking wants me. I bet she likes it over a stair railing. I can hit that with 100% accuracy, my dear. Mmmmmm. I am delicious.

Oh shit. Looks like Samuel caught it. Again. Oh well. It still felt fucking great to throw that shit. Tell me that wasn't one of the prettiest passes you ever saw. You know what? Not only am I gonna throw it long the next time we hit the field. I'm gonna throw it even longer. Harder. You see that kid in wheelchair sitting in the end zone bleachers? I'm gonna nail him right between the fucking eyes with a Sexy Rexy fastball. Why? Because I can.

This is Rex Grossman we're talking about here. We're talking 210 lbs. of twisted steel and sex appeal. I'm not just a gunslinger. I'm a cumslinger. Throwing that ball long tells all the Rexettes that I am fucking out there. On the edge. Where I gotta be. The ladies love the danger. The unpredictability. Oh, maybe I'll tease them with a pretty touch pass every now and again. But then I'm gonna go right back to pumping that ball out for all it's worth. It tells them I throw like I fuck. That's how we do things in the sexy business.

Tell me you're not turned on right now. I am.

62 comments:

Suss & The Family Stone said...

What in God's name did you have for breakfast, Drew? You've already had two more big plays than Rex and Eli combined.

8hrdrive said...

Rexy's trying to hard to compensate for his "small hands".

Becky said...

I am crying right now.

I so want to frame this, but work frowns upon your phrasing.

doug_plank said...

When Al Davis says that your team relies on the pass too much, you know you have problems.

Here's Bears play calling-

run
BOMB!!!

Rex walks off the field shaking his head.


I imagine the huddle as the receiver runs in the play "Split right Run over 2..."


Rex head turns red and starts to shake and foam starts to come out of his mouth and he screams

" FUCK THAT SHIT! Go deep you speedy muthafuckahs! Muhammad keep your slow geraitric ass out of the way. BREAK!"

Unsilent Majority said...

Drew is my hero

The Pirate Sloth said...

"I wanna be like Rex."

Sarge said...

Kevin Spacey gay. Love it.

Scrapple & Iggs said...

When did you guys become The Onion?

From the other side of town said...

Even Jay Mariotti's panties get moist with talk like that, BDD.

Vince said...

I am pestering a fantasy league mate with these in-depth looks into the psyches of these "NFL Starters"...he has both and is not mathematically eliminated from the playoffs...yet.

highonLowe said...

Can we get a hat trick and bash Jake Delhomme too?

Riding arabian horses with Jake? gay.

robustyoungsoul said...

My spleen feels like Chris Simms' after the Panthers game.

chornbe said...

And here I thought Kevin Spacey was like Rex Grossman gay.

I stand cor-rex-ed.

FuckAllGrossmanHaters said...

FUCK ALL YOU GROSSMAN HATERS, REX'S RECORD 14-6 BITCHES. ALSO REX IS 6TH IN TD'S AND ONLY NEEDS 3 TD'S TO TIE THE LEAGUE. STILL BETTER THAN THAT GAY FUCK ELI, MORE YARDS MORE TD AND LESS INTS!!!! SO FUCK ALL U GROSSMAN HATERS.

Unsilent Majority said...

ladies and gentlemen, your poet laureate

Captain Caveman said...

The best part is that Rex -- I'm assuming it was Rex Grossman -- registered with Blogger solely to leave that comment.

Run Up The Score! said...

Is it okay that I reserved jaybuttler.blogspot.com? This Tony Homo thing is getting way out of hand.

Loved the two posts this morning. They gave me that uneasy "wait, are my work computers monitored by management?" feeling.

Oh, and this kid is proof that Pittsburgh should bombed, Dresden-style.

booster said...

As a Bear fan, I will take the cumslinger over Hutchinson/Quinn/Krenzel/Stewart/Orton anyday.

Brilliant work drew!

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

steve spurrier's dick is growing with every deep ball. sorta like pinnochio. but different.

Signal to Noise said...

Zach is right -- a little bit of Spurrier's Fun-n-Gun lives on in Sexy Rexy.

dusty said...

Grossman might have a good record this season..but that fuckwit screwed the living shit out of one of my fantasy teams,minus points don't cut it mutha fucka. Fuck him in the ass with a very large,splintered pole..twice even.

Ok, I feel A LOT better now. Thanks Drew for giving me the incentive to write this diatribe.

chornbe said...

Ok, let's leave poor Rex alone now. Favre is doing a bang-up job of adding a whole bunch of Seahawks to his favorite receivers list.

Go Brett!

Fornelli said...

After having to watch that damn game, I really needed this post.

Thank you Drew.

Leather has AIDS said...

Sexy Rexy is a Gator, not a dragon

he would have won if he could breathe fire

Fratty McDrunkerson said...

so you hate rex because he doesn't do well enough for your fantasy team? people bitching about fantasy football ruins real football.

Unsilent Majority said...

yeah but people that don't bitch about fantasy football probably have AIDS.

JoSCh said...

People bitching about fantasy football ruins real football? I thought it was Michael Irvin and John Mellencamp.

Country Clint's Everything Blog said...

This was so good I am laughing out loud at work. So good I wanted to plagarize it. So good that I didn't. Nice work, really, really really really good.

Otto Man said...

I read that Grossman's jersey is currently the seventh-best seller in the league. I know Bears fans are a loyal bunch, but I find it hard to believe there are that many people willing to pay good money for a jersey with "GROSSMAN" on the back.

Come on, that was the name of the fat douche cop from "CHiPs." Show some self respect, people.

Otto Man said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
timugen said...

Sexy Rexy needs to have a hot curling iron shoved up his ass.

Leonard Peltier said...

People bitching about fantasy football ruins real football? I thought it was Michael Irvin and John Mellencamp.

You forgot about Toby Keith.

Jackin'4Beats said...

This has got to be one of the funniest things I have EVER read. I've read this 3 times and each time was laughing out loud. Now that I know about this site, I will be back everyday to entertain myself and my FANTASY FOOTBALL PEEPS.

Sexy Rexy Cumslinger is utterly fuckin' hilarious. BRILLIANT.

Mike Paus said...

Rex Gross should have been benched sometime in the middle of the Arizona game, and if we didn't have a Dusty Baker wannabe for a coach, he would have. Brian Griese may not be flashy, but with this defense you should be able to win with Kyle Orton. Rex Gross snatches defeat from the jaws of victory and I for one wouldn't care if he played one more snap for us.

thehockeychick said...

OMG, that's some funny shit. Clever and dirty -- just the way I like it. =)I would come up with something similar for my own Jake Plummer, but he just lost his job.

Dickens Cider said...

Great post, thank God I didn't start that douchebag in fantasy. I was smart and started Delhomme against the Skins.....oh wait

gobears said...

Rex only has big stats in games where the Bears blow teams out. How did he fare in the three close games against the Jets, Vikings and Arizona? I'll go one step further and ask how he fared in the two losses. More shitty than the three close games. He's a little guy with Napolion syndrome and that is why he needs to throw the ball down field so freakin' much. He should try to throw the ball to the correct side of the receiver. Here are his stats for the three close games, the two losses and the six blowout wins

3 Close games
48% Comp/180 yds pass/2 TD/6 INT/52.17rating

2 Losses
43% comp/193 yds pass/1 TD/6 INT/30.2 rating

6 blowout wins
65% comp/244 yds pass/15 TD/2 INT/115.23 rating

As you can see, when it counts, Rex can't get it up!!

Jutter said...

Finally someone knows exactly how RRRRRexy feels. Is there an end zone in the flats??? HELL 2 DA NAW!!! The end zone is fuckin' straight ahead and deep and thats the only thing I see.

Some "experts" call it "tunnel vision". But I guess thats what you develop when your job through the week is a gyno.

debak said...

fuck stats and fuck fantasy rex is a winner hands down. when was the last time a bears quaterback was 9-2, the 2001 bears with the dynamic duo of Jim Miller and Shane Matthews. And to all you fake ass bears fans out there i bet you are all sucking grossmans dick when the bears win.

gratom2 said...

Drew, you are a sick M-Fer. Enjoy all this while you can. You must be very young, because you don't remember the bad years, even when Payton was there.You are probably a packer fan in disguise!

Sean F said...

Wow.. Harsh words from some people here. I believe that Rex Grossman is going to be the reason the Bears will be 1 and done again this year. Rex play is horrible and Lovie should have followed the Vikings Move and got to the backup Griese. I have been a Rex supporter since the day we drafted him. So I'm not a bandwagon jumper, but a change at QB is needed. Grant this is Rex's first full season as a starter but he has regressed all season long. The passes to Berrian are sweet but the two losses are Rex's fault and the he is dangerously close to losing more games for us. He better sprint off the field and get in the locker room and get his shit together.
Let him think on the BENCH!!!
Check out my thoughts on http://wherehaveallthechampionsgone.blogspot.com/

Da Bears said...

dude think about the fututre, grex is our guy, think about it, hes almost like a rookie, he hasnt played that many games due to all those injuries but making a switch in a QB now would be retarted since theres only 4 games left. How bout you let him get the expierence (were automatically in the playoffs dumbasses) i wouldnt care if we finished 10-6 in the regular season, as long as we make it to the superbowl

Da Bears said...

sry bout the spelling but w/e you know what im saying

puppithead said...

As you can see, when it counts, Rex can't get it up!!

It's almost like when he does poorly the bears play close games and when he does well they blow people out...

Looks like somebody never fully grasped the concept of causality.

FOCK said...

Gee mister. I'm the kid in the wheelchair. I've got polio and genital herpes. Please don't hit me in the face! You'll knock all my teeth out and then no girl is very gonna want to kiss me. Please mister!

Tops Victory said...

That's crazy stuff, Dude!

I dunno who that Rex guy is throwing the football for the NFL Bears in Chicago, but my name is Tex and I look just like him! I bet if you read my Space you'd like me 302 times more than that Boner-job!
Ha!
BoomCannon!

myspace.com/texchapman

rexisadouche said...

the only reason the bears won so many games is because of urlacher and the defense. they were the play makers with the picks, the returns, and the fumbles. rex was a douche in college and only did so well then cuz of his receivers, nothing has changed. drew this was one of the best things i have ever read, im saving it and reading it everyday.

Grinch said...

eli manning, gay. G-REX TO THE SUPER BOWL FUCK THE HATERS! SLANG THEM BOMBS ALL DAY LET THEM BITCHES KNOW

bearsfan4life said...

all the goddamn bears fans out there are fucken idiots...and that includes myself...ask any lions fans out there and they would kill for a quartback as good as grossman....it is ridiculous how a quarterback in his first season playin as good as grossman is this year is takin this much shit from the fans...every quarterback in the game has bad games at times, even peyton manning and tom brady, believe it or not, and do u see patriots and colts fans saying that they should bring in the backup....jesus crist give the man some credit...yeah he is playing with a great defense, but that makes his bad games better than bradys and mannings...maybe he isnt as good as either one of them, but he has more wins than both of those quarterbacks in their first full seasons COMBINED....layoff the man and actually root for him to play well, rather than expect disaster week after week, and when he does play well, dont give me the bullshit that its because the defense gives him the edge....i hated on him, but now i look at it realistically and he could become something great...just stop the bullshit remarks...PLEASE!!!

Clint said...

I'm last here. I'm Grossman's #1 fan.

grasshopp3r said...

Touchdown!!

Bear down, Chicago Bears, make every play clear the way to victory;
Bear down, Chicago Bears, put up a fight with a might so fearlessly.
We'll never forget the way you thrilled the nation with your T-formation.
Bear down, Chicago Bears, and let them know why you're wearing the crown.
You're the pride and joy of Illinois, Chicago Bears, bear down.

SoftRape said...

ill give a stat for all you rex fans.... he shows up to 50% of the games with a vagina between his probably shaved legs. and ironically enough, that pussy of his shows up when he's on his back foot, which is his favorite position. griese couldnt do better. after tonights loss, griese is probably on his knees in the "im ready to take a sac" position. regardless of how many fucking games he won in the past, he fucked us tonight. and just for that...i think everyone can literally and metaphorically say .... "Fuck Rex Grossman"....we all hate you and go give griese that sac he wants.

BearsSTILLsuck said...

@grasshopp3r

Wow you are a tool. I hope you cried your gay ass to sleep on Sunday night. As I told all the slightly queer bears fans around here "they aren't that good... they just came from the shitty NFC". Turns out they are now all depressed because the delusions that they have been living with over the past season have finally crumbled to reveal the shining reality of how bad the bears SUCK ASS... not to mention how much the whole state of Illinois sucks!

Haha... Bear down... hehe... such a stupid song. You bears fans look retarded now. Way to be the biggest over confident ass-hats leading upto the Super Bowl. Most bears fans were actually already talking about "when the parade is going on..." Haha, there is a God... and he hates the Bears!

After further review, the bears still suck... and so do you.

rodentwench said...

Rexy makes me feel like a natural woman. And I'm a dude.

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Lionel McClure said...

This truly was one of the best things written all year in regards tot he NFL. And it became even more pertinent after the Super Bowl, during which threw it downfield with wreckless abandon. In fact, there's even a facebook group devoted to it, of which you may or may not already be aware Drew:

http://nyu.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2225476237

sales said...

You know how I know Rex is Gay?.....his profile says his favorite band is Coldplay and rumor has it he has a framed Asia poster in his bedroom.
How's that Johnny? :)

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suzie said...

LOL. He does have nice hands, you know...

Al Pavangkanan said...

The Dragon is back

Jason #55 said...

Yeah sexy Rexy is back and looking good when he lets the long ball fly.

I might be dreaming but i believe that rex needed to be benched just so that he could sit back and realise what he had.

Now he will come out like he did on Sunday and be paitient but when he see's the chance he will pick a defense apart with that arm of his.

Rex im in Sydney Australia and i can feel the spark that you have given your team and Town.

and by the way all you Rex haters i bet you will be licking the sweat off his balls when he takes Da Bears to the playoff's

Go Da Bears