Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Big Daddy Drew's Thanksgiving Itinerary


Hello, friends. It's that special time of year again. The time of year to gather round loved ones, share a hot meal, have a good laugh, say one appropriate thing after having too much wine, have your mother overreact, tell her she's a goddamn micromanager and that she should mind her own fucking business, listen to your sister pipe in with some whiny bullshit, and then leave town early.

I keed, I keed. I'd say, by the time you hit your 20's, you make the transition to enjoying Thanksgiving more than Christmas. It really is the best holiday in the history of everything ever. There's food, wine, football, napping, and at least one family member who accidentally farts, triggering a round of farting and laughing from everyone else in your clan. What, that doesn't happen at your house? Pfft. Whatever.

Now, we all know the tradition behind Thanksgiving. I learned it in kindergarten. The Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock because the English made fun of their gay shiny shoe buckles. Then they met up with the savage Indians. But they managed to tame the wild beasts with delicious brown whiskey and games of chance. Then Squanto taught the Pilgrims how to plant corn by putting dead fish in the ground. Then they all sat at a big table and broke bread. Then John Smith nailed the shit out of Pocahontas after dessert. Then the Indians busted out the peyote and moonshine and they all played dice. That's what I was taught, so it must be true.

And, in that same tradition, I will share with you my schedule for tomorrow's Turkey Day festivities. I'm a dad, so I wake up early now. Your schedule may vary. Feel free to post yours in the comments.

7AM - The Girl (my daughter) wakes up. Lie perfectly still so that Mrs. Drew thinks I'm still asleep and goes to get her.

7:05AM - Mrs. Drew goes to get Girl.

7:06AM - Masturbate. Fall back asleep.

8:00AM - Wake up for real. Go downstairs. Check email. Get glare from Mrs. Drew. Stop checking email and feign being a good husband and father. Consider having first drink.

8:05AM - Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

9:30AM - Put Girl down for 1st nap. Check fantasy lineup. KJ is out. I'm officially uninterested in Dolphins-Lions.

9:35AM - Uh... what do I do now? Okay, okay. I take it back. I'll watch a shitty football game. When does it start? Three fucking hours from now? Christ.

10AM - Wait.

10:05AM - Wait more.

10:10AM - Watch the Macy's Parade on TV. Listen to Meredith Vieira use the same script for the Bart Simpson balloon that's been used every year since 1990: "Cowabunga, dudes! Bart Simpson is hanging loose up over 5th Avenue. Don't have a cow, man!" Those morning show anchors just exude spontaneity.

11:00AM - The Girl wakes up. Change her diaper and her outfit. Bring her downstairs. Have Mrs. Drew tell me the Girl's outfit isn't acceptable. Let out five-minute, audible sigh. Go back and change her again. Repeat as necessary.

11:30AM - Eat bagel and omelet for light snack.

Noon - Turn on NFL Countdown.

12:01PM - Turn off NFL Countdown. Wonder why I even fucking bothered.

12:30PM - Lions-Dolphins kick off. Yay, I can start drinking!

12:32PM - Dolphins 23, Lions 0 (They get a safety in there somewhere).

12:37PM - Flip around. That Barefoot Contessa is a fucking snob. Not all of us live in East Hampton like you and your precious Jeffrey, slutbag. And, while I'm at it, fuck Alton Brown. Bossy sack of shit.

12:45PM - Ooohhh, Death to Smoochy is on Comedy Central!

1:00PM - Start making stuffing. I volunteer to make stuffing every year. I've heard of people who put oysters in their stuffing. That's fucking gross. I've never eaten stuffing and thought to myself, "Hey, you know what would improve this? Shellfish." Why don't I make shrimp raisin bread while I'm at it? Disgusting.

2:00PM - Halftime. Dolphins 97, Lions -1. Matt Millen gets a seven-year extension and is legally adopted by William Clay Ford.

2:30PM - Pack up shit for 15-minute drive to the in-laws. Make sure there's backup wine for the backup wine.

2:45PM - Arrive. My mother-in-law has the appetizer spread already set out. Fucking tremendous. Scoop entire bowl of hummus onto single piece of pita bread and eat it.

2:50PM - Watch the end of Dolphins-Lions. Final score: Dolphins 156, Lions -39 (in overtime).

3:30PM - Start of Bucs-Cowboys. I have TO on my fantasy team, so this game actually interests me. Except when the Bucs are on offense, in which case it can fuck off. I'd also like to announce that I will, from here on out, refer to Bill Parcells as the Titty Monster.

3:31PM - Fall asleep.

4:30PM - Mrs. Drew wakes me up for a haircut. Yes, Mrs. Drew cuts my hair. No one crimps like Mrs. Drew.

5:00PM - Haircut over. Shower. Officially allowed to start binge drinking. Grab beer and head downstairs.

5:01PM - Cowboys 14, Bucs 0. TO has already caught one TD pass and dropped seven others.

5:02PM - Mrs. Drew tells me to turn off the TV and come upstairs to be social with everyone. Oh, okay.

5:59PM - Hey, I'm drunk! Nice.

6:00PM - Dinner. Do you like white meat? Then fuck off. I'm a dark meat man. None of this bland white meat shit. Dark meat is moister and has more fat. It's like Kate Winslet. And who doesn't enjoy Kate Winslet?


The rest of the evening's menu:

-Stuffing
-German stuffing (It's stuffing, but with bacon. I approve of that addition.)
-Cranberries
-Sweet potatoes (which get cold in exactly 4 seconds)
-White trash church basement green bean casserole (the one with cream of mushroom soup and fried onions. So. Fucking. Good.)
-Gravy (NOTE: There is never enough gravy at Thanksgiving. Everyone says, "Hey, don't use too much gravy." God dammit, it's Thanksgiving. I want to rub gravy all over my body and lick myself clean. Make more gravy, people.)
-Pumpkin pie

Pretty simple. If we were at my folks' house, there would also be mashed potatoes (good) and creamed onions (guhhhhhh).

6:30PM - Fourths.

6:35PM - Check final score. Cowboys 28, Bucs 3. Since Madden left FOX, I think Aikman gives out an award for the best Thanksgiving Day player. I think it's a crystal scrotal clamp, but I don’t remember.

6:45PM - Bourbon. Chocolate.

7:00PM - Leave.

7:15PM - Bathe Girl. Feed Girl. Put Girl to bed.

7:30PM - More bourbon.

8:00PM - Watch Broncos-Chiefs. This is the only good game of the day. My eyelids barely function.

8:01PM - Plummer throws an interception. Mike Shanahan benches all his running backs and throws in Sammy Winder, just to fuck more with Tatum Bell owners like myself.

9:00PM - Interrupt Broncos-Chiefs for Mrs. Drew's 2-hour Grey's Anatomy event. Shit. Hey, people with TiVo: I fucking hate you. I'm assuming George's dad dies because the uptight Asian doctor lets the black guy with bad hand operate on him. What a bitch.

11:00PM - Turn back to Broncos-Chiefs. Broncos 28, Chiefs 27. Amazing finish. I missed it.

11:01PM - Biiiiiiiiiiiiig dump.

11:15PM - Throw up.

11:16PM - In bed. Thanksgiving rules.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you. Hope you all have a great time with family and friends. And, if you're traveling, I hope your trip is as painless as humanly possible. Enjoy the food and games, everybody.

42 comments:

Awful Chief said...

Wow...I am very thankful for having been taught how to read.

Unsilent Majority said...

Mrs. Drew also braids his pubic hair...in case you were wondering

WeJamEcono said...

I do not want to know about Mrs. Drew's Pubic Hair Braiding, thank you.

However, are they braided long enough down so Drew's kid can swing from them, I'm all for it.

Bad Barbecue said...

My grandmother brings oyster stuffing every year. Its not bad. The problem is that its like that puffer fish sushi situation; if its not made precisely right, people die. It is never made right.

I'd like to hear more about this shrimp raisin bread, though.

chiswede said...

I was not wondering, as a matter of fact. Well done BDD, and Happy Thanksgiving.

Unsilent Majority said...

oyster stuffing is the greatest invention since rumphing.

highonLowe said...

"To you and yours, Happy Thanksgiving! The office will not be closing early today and we will be open Friday."
-- Assbag of America

BoSox Siobhan said...

Jesus, Drew. I'm so glad you cleared up the history of the holiday for me. i'll be sharing your version ad nauseum tomorrow.
My Thanksgiving will involve fewer family members, more friends and about the same amount of football and booze. This truly is a blessed holiday.

The Abstract Prosaic said...

Ahhh, whiskey.... the brownest of all brown liquors.

Rob I said...

Dinner at Cablevision household. Dessert at Comcast household.

If I get a DUI, I'm taking the NFL Network down with me.

highonLowe said...

Sorry for the typo. Those well-wishes are from Bank of America

Captain Caveman said...

NO MASHED POTATOES?

Drew, your in-laws are almost certainly terrosits.

BoSox Siobhan said...

highonlowe:
Until you clarified your employer's ID, I thought we might work for the same company.

Claude Balls said...

Drew:

Your wife doesn't like it when you masturbate in her presence? My wife doesn't like it when I masurbate in her presence. What's with that?

We should form a club.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Unsilent Majority said...

Ickiest.Club.Ever.

highonLowe said...

Disregarding the joys of work this Thanksgiving, my iterary Thursday will be :

noon @ Grandma's - stuff self, watch game on grainy/snowy air waves (no cable), fake nap (but listen to game) so I don't have to talk to redneck side of family, no alcohol (suprisingly they have enough respect for grandma to not drink and smoke weed around her)
4:30 @ wife's parents - stuff self, drink, be merry
6:30 @ my parents - pretend to be sober as I stuff self (other Grandma also does not allow alcohol too)

Contrary to what you may think, the 3 meal Thanksgiving more than compensates for only 2 drinking hours

Koos said...

"Do you like white meat? Then fuck off. I'm a dark meat man. None of this bland white meat shit. Dark meat is moister and has more fat. It's like..."

I still can't believe you ended that sentence with Kate Winslet, the whitest of all white meat. Not that there's anything wrong with Ms. Winslet. It's just that I was seriously prepared for another shot of Deelishis. Talk about your dark, thick britches.

I mean, that's where the joke was. Right?

{ k }

Joey Porter’s Pit Bulls said...

Is it better to fart at the Thanksgiving dinner table or pee in the kitchen sink?

Rob I said...

That's odd, Claude Balls. Your wife doesn't seem to mind when I masturbate in her presence.

Mike said...

That was a thing of sublime fucking beauty, man. Comedy highlight of my week so far.

Or at least of the day.

The Dude said...

Awesome as usual Drew. Have a great holiday weekend everybody!

(first and last time I try to not be funny here. not that there's any difference.)

swing4 said...

Excellent post, Drew. When KSK reaches its first anniversary, you all should look into publishing a "best of" book, and this piece should make the cut.

The Thanksgiving Haircut is an interesting tradition. I'm not sure I would let someone in an alcohol and tryptophan induced haze near my ears with scissors, for fear of starting a new tradition: the Thanksgiving Salute to Van Gogh.

BoSox Siobhan said...

Swing - I still giggle like a schoolgirl everytime I look at that miserable creature in your avatar.

swing4 said...

I owe it all to you, Siobhan. If only 289 would photoshop in a fat gold necklace and a paw holding batteries, it would be perfect.

8hrdrive said...

Broncos NEVER win at Arrowhead. Shit, even the refs know that.

Happy Thanksgiving to all, and to all a good night.

PS- My official psychic football epiphany this week:

Jay Cutler comes in the game at the 10:39 mark in the 3rd quarter after a interception return off of Plummer. Throws 2 more interceptions and 1 TD. Finishes 5-16 for 129 yards.
Horseheads lose 17-10.

And there is much rejoicing in the AFC West.

Phony Gwynn said...

I don't care if Cutler comes and hands off to the fucking back judge, I'm sick of Plummer.

And seriously Drew, no mashies? WTF?

WeJamEcono said...

UM, am I the only person here who relishes thanksgiving morning wake 'n bakes before dealing with the family?

I'm shocked, shocked I'll tell you.

Drizztdj said...

-Gravy (NOTE: There is never enough gravy at Thanksgiving. Everyone says, "Hey, don't use too much gravy." God dammit, it's Thanksgiving. I want to rub gravy all over my body and lick myself clean. Make more gravy, people.)

Amen.

Philistine said...

Does she trim the hedge 'down there' for you, too?

Chamomiles Davis said...

Let me guess... German stuffing has bacon in it so the Jews can't eat it, right? Filthy Huns.

The Pirate Sloth said...

2 things I make extra just for myself each Thanksgiving, no matter how much food is made:

- gravy
- mashed potatoes

Because I can never ever ever eat enough of the two. I could be at my bursting point, looking oddly like the fat dead dude in Seven, and if there's mashed potatoes and gravy left....I'm fuckin eatin it.

mikeski said...

am I the only person here who relishes thanksgiving morning wake 'n bakes before dealing with the family?

Not anymore.

String bean casserole friggin' rocks.

Leonard Peltier said...

Was there ever a more appropriate description for green bean caserole than "white trash church basement"? The anwer is no!

cecil_espy said...

A bunch of my college/young professoinal friends are back in our podunk college town, so Thanksgiving drinking starts in about 20 minutes.

Enjoy the holiday all, and if any of you say grace tomorrow, including something about Dallas covering 11.

The Pirate Sloth said...

No way am I giving any kind of love to the Cowboys. Go Tampa!

fatty said...

Sorry, too lazy to go through the work to pretend I have my own blog so that this would say "fatty says":

Nice work as usual drew...My afternoon schedule is a tad different, but please remember to add 2 hrs as I'm on MTN time and work all weekend...

10:00AM -tell alarm clock to fuck off.

10:09AM - tell alarm clock to fuck off again, slowly in hangover realize alarm clock is on to something.

11:05AM - panic as games start, jump in shower with coffee cup in tow and scrub only smelly/will-touch-food-at-work parts preparing for day

11:08AM - relax as radio announcer says "this National Anthem performance brought to you by Ben Rothlisberger, just one step slower than the steps of time..."

11:08:01 AM - totally freak out as you burn black and gold steelers jersey.

11:12:01 AM - realize that totally wasn't cool and plan murder of Cleaveland dignitary, if only anyone in Cleaveland cared.

12:15 PM - arrive at friend's house - that is, to say, "friend who made all of Thanksgiving Dinner - 's house and take all food-related substances with you into work". Watch 45 minutes of NFL football, scratch face, mumble something like "Mank you" in passing, and leave no matter what the score.

1:45 PM - arrive at work, double-chec food. Do not complain about anything or friends will kill you.


1:48 PM - as shock dissolves, roll 52" tv from "fun room" into office and set up next to desk (with antenna in your desk) to at least watch end of NFL game and BCS catastrophe.

1:52 PM - 11:00 PM - do what one has to do to survive.

11:01 PM - go to home, open beer fridge, drink like retard until required to go back on Friday.

Repeat as necessary subsituting leftovers with fresh food, and San Diego Cheerleaders with women you'd rather not work with.

6:35PM - Check final score. Cowboys 28, Bucs 3. Since Madden left FOX, I think Aikman gives out an award for the best Thanksgiving Day player. I think it's a crystal scrotal clamp, but I don’t remember.

6:45PM - Bourbon. Chocolate.

7:00PM - Leave.

7:15PM - Bathe Girl. Feed Girl. Put Girl to bed.

7:30PM - More bourbon.

6:35PM - Check final score. Cowboys 28, Bucs 3. Since Madden left FOX, I think Aikman gives out an award for the best Thanksgiving Day player. I think it's a crystal scrotal clamp, but I don’t remember.

6:45PM - Bourbon. Chocolate.

7:00PM - Leave.

7:15PM - Bathe Girl. Feed Girl. Put Girl to bed.

7:30PM - More bourbon.

fatty said...

xx:xx:xx PM - forget to end post, leave self open to all of KSK and enjoy evil/comraderie/atrophy which accompanies said retardedness.

xx:xx:06 PM - agree to Hyundai ad.

xx:xx:21 PM - kill oneself.

Steve S said...

11:15PM - Throw up.

So, a touch of the 'mia, or is acceptable to not hold one's liquor once a kid arrives? vns

fallex said...

Shellfish is for fucking wankers. Also, Thanksgiving Dinner should be no later than 2pm, and it should be the first (through seventh) things that you eat on that day.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Fuck. It's 9:00 am and I just woke up, and just now realized that I am going to miss most of the first game because I have to drive an hour and a half to the place I am stuffing my fat face with turkey, gravy, and potatoes.

Damn west coast and it's 3 hour time difference.

At least its only the Lions game.

Flametown said...

Do you like white meat? Then fuck off. I'm a dark meat man. None of this bland white meat shit. Dark meat is moister and has more fat.

true. that.

I like tater tots said...

dude you wasted you 15 minutes of fame on this piece of shit? Do us all a fovor and have mrs. what's her name (you are single and couldn't get nail n woodshop we all know that) pull the trigger. If this wouldn't have been emailed to me I wouldn't have wasted my time. However, I felt compeled to read your make belive Thanksgiving. Seriously though, when the rest of you make belive family awakes please have them call me, I'd like to hammer the shit out of your wife.

ohhh yeah, and for you spellers out there - if I misspelled anything just take 2 "suck this" and call your doctor tomorrow you may have a "go fuck yourself" infection and we all know that's no bueno!