Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Steve Irwin Memorial Meast of the Week - Week 10

My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo, I like to sink her with my pink torpeeeeeeedo!

Oh, it's you! Hi there! Let's talk for a moment about underrated hot women. The reason I get tired of the paparazzi covering the likes of Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Nicole Richie is that none of those women (Actually, they're girls, not women.) are anywhere near attractive enough to deserve the attention. They are the wide receivers of the celebrity set: annoying people whose talent is far surpassed by less renowned colleagues, which makes them even more unappealing by comparison.

Stewart Mandel of SI.com, who covers college football and does it very well, chooses an underrated hottie to fawn over every year. This year he chose Jenna Fischer of "The Office". Not a bad choice, but I'm aiming higher. So sharpen your pencils, you amateur paprazzoes! Pay more attention to these women, so that they get a warped sense of perspective and end up ruining their lives in public for my entertainment:


Emily Deschanel
If you've ever watched the NFL on FOX, you might know Emily as the lead actress from "Bones". I've never seen an episode of this show, but every time they show a spot for it, I always think to myself, "Good Lord, that chick is hot. I should watch that show." I never do, but I at least consider it. And that's why you don't see many "real" women on TV. I'm pretty sure an actual female forensic scientist is uglier than even Patricia Arquette. Guhhhhh. I'd never consider watching it then. Emily has killer eyes (holy shit, I just actually complimented a girl's eyes!) and rocks tight suits and lab coats on her show. Put a hot woman in a business suit and good things happen in my pants.


Jill Wagner
This is the chick from the Mercury ads. You won't find a less convincing spokesperson. Try picking up this girl in a Sable and she'll Mace you right in the eyes.


Kate Walsh
I watch "Grey's Anatomy" with Mrs. Drew to even out the whole 20 hours of football a week thing. But it's not a bad show. It's also the only hit show on TV with a lead character that everyone, male and female, despises. Men hate Ellen Pompeo because she talks. Women hate her because she's a poor man's Renee Zellweger. Anyway, Walsh plays Patrick Dempsey's ex-wife, and she looks like Jennifer Aniston back when Jennifer Aniston was attractive. It only takes a few episodes for you to realize she's the hottest girl in the cast, and by a healthy margin.


Campbell Brown
Back when Katie Couric (or, as I like to call her, Cuntface) hosted the Today show, she'd go on vacation at least nine times a month. Her fill-in? Campbell Brown. Going from a raging bitch like Couric to down-to-earth fox like Brown is like being let out of solitary for a day. Then Couric would be back on the job and my faith in humanity would be destroyed once more.


The Blowflex Chick
This woman's name is Kristia Knowles, and she does leg extensions better than any woman I've ever known. A toned little minx, this one. I'm betting she didn't get that body by working out on a Bowflex 20 minutes a day three days a week.


Jodie Foster in Inside Man
I know, I know. She's a lesbian! A lesbian! She's blocking the river! She drives a Subaru! And I never considered Jodie Foster attractive before (except in Taxi Driver. 12-year-old prostitutes are my weakness. Grrrrr!!!). But I thought to myself while watching this flick that Jodie looked good. Very good. And I don't know how I feel about that. In fact, I already regret adding her here. I may be gay. Let's move on.


Ali Larter
Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!

Speaking of underrated, none of this week's Meast candidates fit into that category. Carson Palmer and Chad Johnson of the Bengals put up ungodly numbers. Willie Parker of the Steelers was arguably the MVP of last year's Super Bowl and has firmly established himself as an every-down back. But you can't go against the hottest player in football right now:


It's LaDainian Tomlinson of the Chargers! With 4 TDs in the Chargers' stunning 42-point second half on Sunday, Tomlinson has now scored 15 TDs in his last five games, a league record. Nobody sniffs out the end zone better. Tomlinson is proof that small backs make better goal line backs than some big asshole like, I don't know, Brandon Jacobs. Goal line defenses are packed tight at the line. O-line splits are miniscule. Creases in the defense are tiny. Why would you ever put in a bigger back to get the ball through? It's idiotic. Don't tell me bigger backs are stronger. Former Cowboys wideout and known midget Kevin Williams could squat over 700 pounds. LT2, who is no Goliath, has the strength to power through tacklers and drag them into the end zone. Keep the little guys in there, coaches. They are, at least at the goal line, underrated.

NOTE: Feel free to tell me who I forgot in the comments. And, since thebigo will call my penis a racist for not putting any sisters on this list, here's a picture of Toni Braxton, who would be underrated even if she were elected president.

76 comments:

Captain Caveman said...

Commence with the commenters telling you who you "forgot," Drew.

p.s. You forgot Amy Adams.

flubby said...

He also forgot to leave out Jodie Foster.

Claude Balls said...

You lost me with Campbell Brown. Maybe it's the picture, but she looks like every girl I got stuck with serving as the Wingman.

Big Jim Slade said...

I think that Veronica Mars chick should've been right there in the mix, I would totally give up all my #1 fantasy picks just to split those uprights.

I know she's probably only in high school, does that make me a pedof...pedophy...pedd...typical hetero male?

mind... said...

Toni Braxton was left out because she used to be a man.

Christmas Ape said...

Stephen Colbert gives a wag of the finger for opting for Campbell Brown over pan-ethnic anchoress Soledad O'Brien.

Angelos said...

Maura Tierney.

As it turns out, my best friend's wife used to play Barbies with her when they were kids.

Mmmm, naked Barbies with Maura Tierney...

That's how I picture it it, anyway.

Larry Bird Flu said...

I had no idea anyone but me noticed that Jill Wagner was hot. I am a fan.

And Maura Tierney was sneaky hot in her Newsradio days, but far less so now.

Seriously sneaky hot though - actress Sarah Polley. yeah, she's Canadian and all, but I can see past that just this once.

Larry Bird Flu said...

Oh, and I'm not sure she qualifies as underrated, but I will always, ALWAYS, have a spot in my bed for Maria Bello.

Unsilent Majority said...

what about emily's hot ass sister zoey? i love those two...and i tivo bones every week (i used to read the books).

grungedave said...

UM is right, Emily's sister Zooey is hotter...

Zooey wins for being in "Almost Famous" as opposed to a show on FOX no one watches.

Unsilent Majority said...

also creeping onto my radar...Minka
http://us.ent4.yimg.com/tv.yahoo.com/images/he/photo/tv_pix/nbc/friday_night_lights/minka_kelly/fnl_drinkwater2.jpg

the dude said...

Watch the weather channel at any time and you have an assortment of beautiful women I even learned what a cold front does.

Oh big jim I agree with the Veronica Mars chick...and she's 26 so all of our disgusting fantasies would be legal.

rock_n_rye said...

In accordance with the "I'll let you watch HGTV for a couple hours, so I can watch football and still have sex" Act of 2003. I have found Tanya Memme bonerific

Awful Chief said...

Campbell Brown looks decent in some of the pictures here but she does seem to be the "which one of these does not belong with the others".
If she was a known cougar, however, I would be happy to be her prey.

the dude said...

Kristen Bell is her name, I'd also include the blonde doctor from Scrubs.

TheBigO said...

BDD, this is America. If you have a thing for plain Jane white women, that's your goddamn birthright. Personally I'd rather not have you oggling my beautiful nubian goddesses. Fuck, most of those goddamn women make my penis soft. The one from Bones, no thanks, Katie Couric's replacement I wouldn't fuck with Captain Caveman's dick, Jill Wagner, keep it movin bitch, and Jodie Foster, Jodie fuckin Foster, lookin at her makes my cock retreat like I just jumped in an ice cold mountain stream. The one from the car commercials can get it, Ali Larter too, as for the Knowles woman, there's a much better one with the same last name that I'd take any day of the week. You have got to be fat and slovenly to think most of these chicks are hot, because if you think that these ho's are unattainable, I'm sorry for you. And no thanks on Curtis Martin's sloppy seconds.

doug_plank said...

Pam from "The Office" is very underated.

Jerry MaDick said...

Man, I thought I was the only one w/a thing for Campbell. One day she was wearing a read plaid skirt on the show and my cock blew out of my pants. Indeed, an underrated hottie.

Unsilent Majority said...

I think Bob Vance is one hot piece of ass

Big Daddy Drew said...

thebigo doesn't like white women?

Well, now we know he's not black.

Christmas Ape said...

We're just trying to have a goooood time, thebigo. Why are you trying to destroy us? Don't bring your hate crimes here. HAAAATTTTEEE CRIMES!

Satchmo said...

Jill Wagner is also in the Spike Original series Blade. Knowing this actually got me to watch an episode.

Unsilent Majority said...

Zooey was great on Weeds, almost made up for losing the hot israeli chick who should also be on the list

mrmom61 said...

The Mercury girl always made me want to jack it.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

Zooey Deschanel, definitely blondie from Scrubs and I'll nominate that big-tatted bitch from the new 'Van Wilder: Rise of Taj' "movie"...bbbrrritsky!

Dat RoRo Kid said...

CC's right...Amy Adams is a BIG TIME oversight, Drew.

Signal to Noise said...

I nominate Rachel Weisz.

Campbell Brown does nothing for me. In the interim between Cuntface leaving today and The Hag (Meredith Viera) arriving, either Ann Curry or Natalie Morales would move over from the news desk, and those two...drool.

Kate Walsh is hot, but Sandra Oh deserves an honorable mention for actresses from that show.

TheBigO said...

Oh I never said I don't like white women. I like good looking white women just fine. You've got some serious ug's on here today.

And that comment about now we know he's not black because he doesn't like white women is just fuckin ignorant, and I expect no less from the KSK crew.

I especially like impregnating white women, that means one less white person, it's even better if she's an only child then I get to completly end her family's whole fuckin lineage and change it to my own, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA. Sharks with frickin laser beams..............

bleedjetgreen said...

Dude, thank you for pointing out the Mercury chick. I thought I was the only one who noticed. How does a woman that choice end up slumming it for Mercury, while I'm stuck oggling Paris Hilton's bony ass in every other mag? I'm baffled.

Jawbreaker said...

(Not to be a name-dropping douchebag, but whatever...) I went to the premiere of "Stranger Than Fiction" a couple week ago and Kate Walsh was there. She's even hotter in person.

And that chick from Veronica Mars, believe it or not, is like 28 or something.

As far as oversights: the two female Doctors on "House" -- Dr. Cutty and Dr. Cameron or whatever. So. Fucking. Hot.

Big Jim Slade said...

28? Meh, maybe she ain't that hot after all...

Unsilent Majority said...

As the great Senator Bullworth of California once suggested, we should all just fuck until we're the same color

jihad joe said...

shakira, brooke burke, and monica belluci

Heres a question for the KSK crew
I just got proposed a three way by text message from my friends, who just got married and are both 18. My friend (the husband) started the conversation and his wife and me are on the fence?
what am i to do??

Big Daddy Drew said...

Heres a question for the KSK crew
I just got proposed a three way by text message from my friends, who just got married and are both 18. My friend (the husband) started the conversation and his wife and me are on the fence?
what am i to do??


Move out of Arkansas.

dbvader said...

Are you an editor at gawker? If so, that sort of thing is ok.

8hrdrive said...

That Gaida woman on Everyday Italian, Food Network. I dream of her working my meatballs and tasting my sausage every afternoon.

Constant cleavage shots. "Look at my breasts as I stir this cream sauce! Oooh, nice and thick."

This show comes complete with porn music.

Sex everywhere! Oh God!

TheBigO said...

" we should all just fuck until we're the same color "

It's comin', but then we'll just find other reasons to be real shitty to each other. Like that most recent Southpark, religion, race, politics, they're all just things we use to be dickheads to the next man, myself included.

Oh and by the way, hey Big Daddy Drew... ask your mother how much I like white women.

Big Daddy Drew said...

My mom said she would have liked you better if you had a job.

Unsilent Majority said...

uh jihad...that's not a threesome. that's a gay experience

$klimp$ said...

Minka, Minka, Minka.

I can say without a touch of hyperbole that she's the hottest girl ever to walk the face of the earth.

Yowza!

$klimp$ said...

everyone look for Jihad on Springer next week.

jihad joe said...

hey BDD, close i'm in Texas,
always wanted a threeway, with two girls. i don't want my balls rubbing up against his. thanx for the advice crackers

Becky said...

I don't know if you can call her underrated, as she is a VS model, but her name is Alessandra Ambrosio and she is smoking hot. She should make every list.

Signal to Noise said...

Thumbs up to 8hr: Giada's hot, and a damn sight better than Rachael Ray.

If you're talkin' Food Network, Nigella's the one, though.

TheBigO said...

"My mom said she would have liked you better if you had a job. "

Word?? Well then tell her I got one now and that I can get her a discount on cheeseburgers anytime she wants.

This is waaay the fuck off topic but why the fuck does Bobby Knight always do this shit to his white players?? I'd love to see him try that shit with one of his black players, he'd get knocked the fuck out. Now THAT would be some funny ass shit.

Also it looks like Sasha Baron Cohen has a new challenger for funniest man alive, as I noticed CNN.com askin is Dane Cook the funniest? Uh-Oh, WHITE COMEDIAN FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!

TheBigO said...

Oh hell no, Rachel Ray is one thick ass white woman, and she can cook like a muthafucka too, shit, I LIKE Rachel Ray, she's cuter than that big headed Italian chick, I mean look at those thighs, Daaaaaaaamn!!! Rachel Ray can suck my dick, fix me a samich and not talk so much anytime she likes.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Bigo, if you like em thick, Nigella is your gal.

BoSox Siobhan said...

So let me get this straight. Someone just came to KSK to ask about a MWM three-way? My head hurts.

TheBigO said...

BDD, I'm not sure I've seen her, I'll check her out though, she got a website?

Had to type 'gwjbszhm', which is the sound I'd make after bustin one in Rachel Rays mouth and seeing the samich that she's makin for me, gwjbszhm!!!!!!

Big Daddy Drew said...

Bigo, right here. Do a google search for Nigella Lawson and you'll find more assets.

See? You and me, we are not so different.

Signal to Noise said...

Hey bigo - here you go.

Betcha the nooks and crannies in that muffin are tasty.

rock_n_rye said...

KSK - where the love for ladies with some extra giddy-up in their saddles unites all races

NB said...

Minka Kelly from Friday Night Lights (the television show)

Chamomiles Davis said...

Big Daddy,

You left Salma Hayek off your list, and you wonder if you might be gay? Let me confirm it for you.

P.S. Emily Deschanel -- not bad, but her sister Zooey is downright spanktastic.

Run Up The Score! said...

Funny, those EXACT same thoughts go through my head when I see a commercial for "Bones", along with about fifteen not-really-funny "Bones" jokes.

TheBigO said...

BDD,

Eh, she's allright, goofy ass big British teeth but she's got some big ass titties so yeah, I'd work with it.

"See? You and me, we are not so different." I already know that man, from your FKS site.

Big Daddy Drew said...

You left Salma Hayek off your list, and you wonder if you might be gay?

Who underrates Salma Hayek?

eirishis said...

Alright, I'll say it - the cheerleader in Heroes is tasty. And unlike the girl who plays Veronica Mars ... ACTUALLY still high school age. I'm not ashamed. She's hot. What?

[as the FBI comes after me ... ] remember me well...

Chamomiles Davis said...

Tonight on "To Catch A Predator": He goes by the name "eirishis"...

TheBigO said...

http://flickrbabes.com/

burma jones said...

How about Sabine Ehrenfeld, the Overstock.com spokescougar. That she is also an a pistol markswoman and pilot is pretty cool.

Chamomiles Davis said...

burma,

Sort of like a real-life Pussy Galore?

Duke Frankencow said...

UM, that Friday Night Lights nomination is spot on. I always used to wish I went to the Boy Meets World high school because of the talented student body, but I think Dillon High School may be added to that list.

I'd also like to nominate the chick who hosts that Top Chef show, as well as the girl who looks like Bones, but is in fact on House.

Bender said...

You know, Jodie Foster was unrealistically hot in Maverick. It was...disturbing.

cecil_espy said...

Christa Miller from Scrubs (formerly Drew Carey Show)

Unsilent Majority said...

Jodie Foster was hottest in the romantic comedy, The Accused

Larry Bird Flu said...

I call your Borat ref, UM. But that's a damn funny line.

I still think Jennifer Garner is underrated in her hotness. She's pretty dirtied up with Affleck's seed though, which is a shame.

Cameron (Go Lions) said...

This one is simple. Giada De Laurentiis. I'd like some of her everyday Italian.

dbvader said...

I saw Nigella on tv recently and she is even bigger.

I like Sandra Lee and her semi-homemade breasts.

Chamomiles Davis said...

BDD,

You're right and I did fuck up. But I just want to go on record as saying that, aside from my beautiful wife, Salma Hayek is the damn-finest piece of ass I have ever, ever seen.

Unsilent Majority said...

are you ed norton?

tell the truth

tbart213 said...

I don't know if your penis is a racist or not, but I bet that your penis' weekly column would offer up something more interesting than coffeeenerdness.

Chamomiles Davis said...

No, UM, I am not Ed Norton. I am Jack's smirking revenge.

Senor Beavis said...

I ratify Kristen Bell with every fiber of my being. And her favorite movie is Waiting For Guffman. Which probably prompted the moment in an episode last season, when one character said he'd miss her and she responded, "And my stupid ass face?"

Come on, fellow FNL watchers, how about some love for Adrianne Palicki. Lock the door!

And to round out the trifecta of underwatched shows, who plays Jeanie on Studio 60?

BigRicks said...

I agree with Minska and Christa Miller (good call Cecil_Espy).

Jenna Fischer is becoming so underrated she might soon be overrated. Love her though.

Giada puts me over the edge because every word out of her mouth has sexual connotation.

And the Deschanel sisters are fantastic, hands down. This post gave me a funny feeling in my pants.