Wednesday, January 3, 2007

Eat, Drink, Man, Boob: The Hater's Guide to the Postseason

If, like myself, you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won't do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

AFC 5th seed -- New York Jets (10-6)

And so, the weak yearling suckles at the teat of a beneficent and generous schedule maker, even rolling off a surprise win over the Patriots and notching another victory over the Titans that without context (pre-Vince Young) looks halfway impressive, and grows into a mighty Mangiant.

Honestly, seriously, comtemptuously, I can't recall a 10-win team as wholly unremarkable and unimpressive as these Jets, and not only because I watched less than fives minutes of any of their games this season.


That's not the reason to hate this team. Unworthiness isn't just the domain of the NFC. It's more the predictable media storylines that we fear if they win: a team so lacking in storylines - Curtis Martin retires! A fait accompli years ago - its a storyline in and of itself. The Cotchery is a nice touch (or is that the bad touch?) but otherwise, we're not working with much here. This team of semistars with a prodigy coach has risen, grown, given a free pass to the playoffs and now, with a chance to prove themselves on centerstage in Foxboro, they...shit the bed? Steal another from the Pats before being destroyed by the Chargers or Ravens? Bore me to tears?

Ah, fuggit, your big tits don't compensate for your paucity of personality.

Yes, that's right, I write things I would never say.


J.L. White said...

As much as I don't give a flying fuck about the Jets, I do feel they may just have a chance to eek one out against the banged-up Pats. If I were Belichick (and I'm getting closer, with every married MILF I bang), I'd get Tom Brady to lure in the Jets receivers over to their team before the game this weekend. No receiver can resist Brady's musk, espeically if his name is Cotchery.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I simply can't stand the Jets because they are the Jets. Yet I don't like the Pats...tough game to even attempt to watch.

What do I cheer for? A game/moxy/sexy/musky ending injury to Brady - something along the lines of horrible facial scarring like Mark Hamill? Or for the Jets to be left standing with their dicks in their hands like the high school nerd who thought he had landed the drunk Prom Queen at the last party of the year?

Or do I dare hope and pray that this game is even at the end of regulation and triple OT ensues? So that we may endure even more countless hours of crotch slobbering over Brady and/or Mangini by the announcers?

Maybe I'll just skip this game.

Becky said...

Pirate Sloth, I must denounce you for wishing any marring upon the NFL's McDreamy.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

(reads Pirate Sloth's entry again, sees no mention of Chad Pennington, wonders who Becky is talking about)


As a Jets fan, I'm just happy that A) they broke .500 and B) Chad stayed upright for the season. Anything else is gravy as far as I'm concerned.

Unsilent Majority said...

Becky would never be in to Chad Pennington, she's not a lesbian.

Bulger in My Pants said...

Becky would never be in to Chad Pennington, she's not a lesbian.

You have no idea what you've just done.

Bulger in My Pants said...

(reads Pirate Sloth's entry again, sees no mention of Chad Pennington, wonders who Becky is talking about)

Well, given she used the word "dreamy", it couldn't possibly be anyone that you find attractive. OH YES I DID.

Mike said...

This Jet hate will be remembered! I see disaster befalling all.

Although I predict that Mangia-ini will cut off Chad's noodle arm and use it to make spaghetti carbonara, which he'll devour in 13 seconds, before encouraging Chad to pass with his left arm -- the slightly stronger arm.

Not to mention, if there's any site on the internets that should want to see a NY JETS QUARTERBACK win an unexpected Super Bowl, it'd be Kissing Suzie Kolber.

Think of the comic potential for a drunken Chad-on-the-sidelines appearence in 2033. Think of what Big Granddaddy Drew could make of that?

You guys aren't thinking right.

Becky said...

A) I'm a female, of course I'm shallow. (Still waiting for some buttered chests, by the way, you weblog winners, you!)

B) Oooh, what did the lesbian comment do, and how do I get involved? I mean, you know, if I were interested in such a thing...

Captain Caveman said...

Becky, I'm working on the butter party.

Ed in Westchester said...

OK, yep, the Jets are uninteresting. They won on a soft schedule. Chad has a noodle arm. Martin retired. They have a bunch of "semistars". Big fraking deal.

They still won 10 games. They beat the Patriots in Foxborough, after which Belichick was so pissed he fired the turf and had it replaced. The defense has been tough the second half of the season, and held the Bears to 10 points (not many other teams can claim that this year). The Dolphins, who were favored by many to make the playoffs, and perhaps win the AFC East, were beaten twice. Oh, and Mr. Young played a while against the Jets, and failed to win.

There has been little love shown to the Jets this year outside of NY, and that has been grudging love, and only over the past few weeks. Did you all miss Tony Kornheiser pissing all over Chad on Christmas Night? Frak you Tony, you suck.

As far as getting crushed by the Chargers the following week, you forget that Marty Schottenheimer is the Chargers coach. Advantage - Any Team that Plays the Chargers in the postseason.

I would have preferred they play the Colts, but I'll take the Pats instead. Payback for 2000 for Belichick, the fat pussy toad. (Yes, I am still bitter.)

Margee said...

I have to agree with laser rocket arm on this. Prior to this season, the Jets were left for dead by everybody. They won a few games, looked better than the Giants (aka the Richie Tenenbaums), and Chad didn't die. The season can only be chalked up to a success. If they lose to the wife-whisperer Belichick and his gang of massholes, there will be no shame. Though hopefully, Mangini's ginormous cha-cha's will distract the newly single Brady into throwing a few INT's.

And if they do win and the Chad has a big game, then every Jets fan should get the opportunity to kick Korheiser in the kornhole for his craptacular work in the booth on Christmas. Douche.

Laser Rocket Arm said...


And it doesn't matter that Chad doesn't throw bombs. How many QBs consistently heave forty-yard passes other than Rextacy? The guy knows how to win, at least enough to make it to the playoffs most of his starting years.

Mike said...

most of his starting years

All of his starting years. He was injured in the final pre-season game in '03. Missed first 6 games I think it was.