Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Corey Dillon


As part of our championship game and Super Bowl coverage, I'll be sitting down and "chatting" with the occasional player or two. If you're new here, we've done this before with players like Damien Woody and Brian Griese, and both of them adored the experience. For the Patriots, it's starting running back and future bankruptcy court litigant Corey Dillon.

Big Daddy Drew: Corey, thanks for sitting down with us.
Corey Dillon: My pleasure.

Drew: You were arrested 11 times before age 17. In that sense, won't your heart always be with the Bengals?
Dillon: No.

Drew: You were twice arrested for "Malicious Mischief". I'm gonna say right up front that that sounds like the name of some sort of theme night at the Blue Oyster Bar. But what does it really mean?
Dillon: No idea.

Drew: You were also arrested for intent to distribute cocaine. Any yayo on you now? I have a kid and sometimes it's nice to take the edge off.
Dillon: No.

Drew: Is it hard to walk into the team's locker room and see Peter King and Bill Simmons fighting over the same cock?
Dillon: That doesn't happen.

Drew: Vinny Testaverde is the Patriots' 3rd string QB. Why?
Dillon: I don't know.

Drew: Do you think Bill Belichick took him on as some sort of dare?
Dillon: No.

Drew: Let's talk about Belichick and Brady. When you read fawning coverage of those two together, do you ever think to yourself, "Man, this some BULLLLLshit. Ain't nobody givin' Corey Muthaphuckkin' Dillon some credit. Fuck those crackas."?
Dillon: No.

Drew: When Tom Brady audibles to a run, shouldn't he get credit for the yardage? All you did was run the ball.
Dillon: I earn my stats.

Drew: Logan Mankins is on your team. Doesn't "Mankins" sound like a gay man's pet name for his partner's testicles?
Dillon: No.

Drew: Todd Sauerbrun strikes me as the kind of guy that still believes pro wrestling is real. Agreed?
Dillon: No.

Drew: Tedy Bruschi: Why only one D? Was his family too poor to afford two?
Dillon: I don't know.

Drew: When you see Bruschi blow a coverage, do you sort of wish that he had gotten a more intense stroke? Say, a Kirk Douglas-level one?
Dillon: No.

Drew: Rosevelt Colvin is also on your team. Why are the Patriots linebackers so averse to double lettering?
Dillon: I don't know.

Drew: Does Ray Mickens ever let you guys toss him around the field?
Dillon: No.

Drew: When Belichick cuts you, how does he do it? Western Union telegram? A brick with a note attached? Or is there an even less personal way he's devised? Perhaps he has a lawyer come and spit in your face? I could see that.
Dillon: I don't know.

Drew: You were arrested once for assaulting your wife. Why is she such a bad listener?
Dillon: I love my wife.

Drew: Well, sometimes you love someone so much that you just have to bash their face in. Am I right?
Dillon: No.

Drew: Let's talk about the Boston fans. What's the most creative racial epithet they've hurled at you?
Dillon: Our fans are great.

Drew: Ever met a fan from Maine? Those people are straight out of "The Hills Have Eyes".
Dillon: Our fans are great.

Drew: What's it like to play for an ungrateful fan base full of room-temperature-IQ-having douchebags that will always bitch about something no matter what you do?
Dillon: Our fans are great.

Drew: Ever think to yourself, "Man, fuck these people. And fuck their chowder."?
Dillon: Our fans are great.

Drew: Remember in Return of the Jedi, when Lando Calrissian is piloting the Millennium Falcon, and he's got that sidekick who looks kinda Chinese and talks all funny, like, "Ablee ablee flippity floppity floo!"?
Dillon: Yeah.

Drew: Doesn't that guy sound exactly like Shannon Sharpe?
Dillon: No.


Drew: Do you think Lando Calrissian was Armenian?
Dillon: No.

Drew: Would you consider kissing me?
Dillon: No.

Drew: Do you need to punch me first to get in the mood?
Dillon: Get the fuck away from me.

Drew: Corey, thanks for stopping by.
Dillon: My pleasure.

UPDATE: Thanks to doug_plank for getting the name of that dude. Here's the pic. Totally looks like Margaret Cho.

25 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

"Do you think Lando Calrissian was Armenian?"

I don't really know who that is, but that's just funny shit right there.

Captain Caveman said...

Fucking youngsters.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Billy Dee muthafucka! BILLY DEE!

He is the sole reason I have ever drank any Colt45.

And yes, that co-pilot DOES sound like Shannon Sharpe.

doug_plank said...

"Doesn't that guy sound exactly like Shannon Sharpe?"

The co pilot's name is Nien Nunb.

Which ironically is the answer Shannon Sharpe gave when asked "How did your arthorscopic scope go?"

BigRicks said...

I spat all over my computer screen after the Kirk Douglas-Stroke line, my God.

Also, there is no way Corey Dillon knows who the fuck Kirk Douglas is.

4giantsfans said...

"Is it hard to walk into the team's locker room and see Peter King and Bill Simmons fighting over the same cock?"

Funny.Ass.Shit.

I thought cock fighting was illegal an inhumane.

4giantsfans said...

*and

Mike said...

I think Dillon and Manny Ramirez are the same person. Together, they form the least-likely sports star in Beantown.

I'm just not sure that Dill-Ram knows this.

fallex said...

"Lando Calrissian" is how Shannon Sharpe pronouces "Larry Izzo."

Oh, and the C-4-5? Works every time!

Christmas Ape said...

I don't really know who that is, but that's just funny shit right there.

This thread is getting worse all the time.

SteveJeltzFan said...

Drew: Remember in Return of the Jedi, when Lando Calrissian is piloting the Millennium Falcon, and he's got that sidekick who looks kinda Chinese and talks all funny, like, "Ablee ablee flippity floppity floo!"?
Dillon: Yeah.

"That was awesome!"

Didja, didja ever see the Terminator?

Chamomiles Davis said...

BDD,

Great article as always. I think it's time you ditched the rest of these hangers-on and formed your own spinoff blog. It worked wonders for Footsteps Falco! (That's just between you and me, OK?)

Drizztdj said...

No hardhitting questions about sharing the backfield with a rookie?

I'm disappointed.

Unsilent Majority said...

I'm disappointed.

now you sound like our parents.

Awful Chief said...

Doesn't that guy sound exactly like Shannon Sharpe?
NEIGH!

The Pirate Sloth said...

I'm glad someone else shared their trove of useless knowledge of Star Wars and named Nien Nunb. It's good to see I'm not the only geek around.

J.L. White said...

"Malicious Mischief" sounds like breaking a neighbor's window using your slingshot. How gay is that? Corey, with that retarded shit on your record, it is totally understandable you went on to sling coke. It's good to see a local kid like him doing what it takes to improve his reputation.

anon said...

"now you sound like our parents."

Our?

Who do you think you are, Leitch?

TheBigO said...

BDD,

That was great, funny ass shit. That shit had me cryin man. Highlarious.

highonLowe said...

Just to clarify, BDD called the NE fans an "ungrateful fan base full of room-temperature-IQ-having douchebags that will always bitch about something no matter what".


any takers going to prove him right?

Clint said...

Drew buddy, I wait around all week for your shit, and you didn't let me down.

The best one is the question about Mankins, and I have worked for the Bengals, you must have met Dillon, or studied his personality hard, that is him.....he gives nothing.

Real Men Eat Haggis said...

Fan.Fucking.Tastic.

He gave one interview to a Boston sportswriter where he said "I don't give a shit" and "I don't give a fuck" at least a dozen times, and closed it by saying "If you don't like it don't come by 28 locker"

You captured him perfectly...

chiswede said...

UnFuckingBelievable. That Lando question had me freaking crying, and it also elicited a "Shannon Sharpe does sound exactly like that, I hate that guy" from my wife.

rar288 said...

Christmas Ape said...

This thread is getting worse all the time.


Christmas Ape I'm pretty sure that I'm the only person who caught that reference to Empire Strikes Back. Hopefully it was intentional, for my sake.

Lando says "this deal is getting worse all the time."

Excellent work sir.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Christmas Ape - nice subtle ESB reference, I completely missed it.

Where is that ungrateful, room-temperature-IQ-having douchebag BEANTOWN that's always bitching about something no matter what?

I'd like him to bless us with his all knowing knowledge of the Pats and how unbelievably great they are and how the rest of us non-believing pagans are going to hell for "hatin'" on Brokeback Brady and the Patsies.

beantown, come out and play-ee-yay...

Beantown, come out and play-eeeee-yaaaay

BEANTOWN, COME OUT AND PLAY-EEEEEE-YAAAAAYYYYEEEEEE.

Or don't...