Thursday, January 11, 2007

Conservative? Hardly.

Chargers coach Marty Schottenheimer is synonymous with "old school football," but occasionally finds himself deflecting criticisms that his approach is too conservative and outdated. The founding father of "Martyball" sounds off about those issues and shares anecdotes from his decades in pro football in his new book, Get Off My Lawn! (Dead Baby Press, $49.95). Some excerpts from the book follow:

Frankly, I like to take a gamble or two as much as the next man. Why, just the other day, I was playing Texas Hold'em last week with some of my staff. How about that? Unfortunately, I didn't get the good cards when I needed them. I had to fold A-A under the gun; you've gotta be some kinda crazy to play a hand like that under the gun.

I have modern tastes in music, sometimes I'll let my players bring me in a mix tape. There's this great new band out now that I just love, you have to hear them. They're called "Hooter and The Blowfish." I guess their frontman is a colored guy or something. I think that's just great.

If I've had good service at a restaurant, I might splurge a little bit and tip 11%, maybe even 12%. Hey, you don't always get good service. Couldn't tell you why that is...

That [offensive coordinator] Cam Cameron is a crazy sonufabitch. He's got some acorns in his pants, I tell you. One time I saw him driving through the parking lot with no seatbelt on. I was screaming across the parking lot to him, "Buckle up before you get yourself seriously hurt!" I don't care if it was just a golf cart. He'll never be a head coach in this league pulling a stunt like that.

I don't consider myself a disciplinarian by any stretch, but I do have two hard-and-fast rules. First of all, if you don't practice during the week, you don't play. Period. Secondly, don't shit on my desk. That bugs me.

People occasionally ask me how I voted in 2004. I voted for Bush. Three times.

I was at the bank the other day and this young man working there was trying to push me into some CDs and bonds. I simply said "No thank you, sir." But he persisted, gave me the tough sell until I grabbed his inkpen and stabbed him in the eye with it. No way in Sam Hell I'm investing in CDs and bonds, too speculative. It's not like I have a crystal ball that tells me how those will turn out in 2 or 5 or 10 years. I visit that one-eyed guy sometimes. I kept that pen, too. Writes pretty good.

I like to weigh my bowel movements while watching Fox News Channel. Some folks think that's weird, but I like Fox News.

We were going into a game at Oakland and Cam [Cameron] tells me he wants to run Trips Left Dicksnot 971 (a pass play with a deep route) and I wanted to slap him in the face. A pass on the first play? Who passes on first down, on the first play? He insisted, and I told him, "Fine, but I won't be responsible for what happens." So our guy drops back and hits [Keenan] McCardell on the go route and he runs it 80 yards for a touchdown. I just looked up to the press box and shook my head at him in disgust. I guess he'll never learn.


Unsilent Majority said...

Hooter and the Blowfish sounds like a stable of female porn stars.

Canadian Bobsled Champ said...

I like to weigh my bowel movements while watching Fox News Channel. Some folks think that's weird, but I like Fox News.

I prefer to take bowel movements while watching Fox News. Something about Bill Kristol literally scares the shit out of me.

fallex said...

I forget which game last year, but they showed a closeup of the "playsheet" in Marty's hand. It was an 8.5" x 15" laminated sheet, but it was in like 36 pt. font. You could read the fucking plays on tv.

I still wonder if it was so he could read it, or so he wouldn't look like an idiot for having a "letter" sized playsheet.

anon said...

> It was an 8.5" x 15" laminated sheet

That sounds like a "legal" sized playsheet.

feep said...

At 36 pt font he probably only has about 6 plays on his sheet. Most likely, 4 of them are run plays for LT, another to punt, and another to kick the FG. Everything else is that damn rookie QB winging it from the huddle.

doug_plank said...

Hootie was the black guy!?!??!

fallex said...

That sounds like a "legal" sized playsheet.

Right, the 36 font necessitated the legal size, otherwise it could have been letter -sized. Or perhaps a Post-It.