KSK Top Secret Playoff Scouting Report Bukkake - Colts at Ravens

It's playoff time, so we at KSK asked a high-ranking NFL scout to analyze the playoff matchups. This man was offered anonymity in exchange for his complete and utter candor. In this post, he analyzes Saturday's Ravens-Colts game:

"The key to stopping Peyton Manning in a playoff game is to snap him the ball... I took a shit once at the Colts practice facility. Lovely bathrooms, with marble floors and everything. Anyway, I finish up my growler and go to wash my hands, and who should come out of the stall next to mine but Dwight Freeney. I asked him how his went, and he said, 'It was a two-beacher, with no paperwork.' Then he left. I'm still trying to figure out what that means...

"Jonathan Ogden has really big hair. We scouts always say that big hair is big fun... If you stab someone anywhere near Ray Lewis, he won't hesitate to take himself out of the play... I was in the Colts parking lot when I noticed that Dallas Clark's truck has a license plate that reads 1AMMO1. It looks like it says, 'I am moi.' I don't think it was a personalized plate, but either way it's still pretty faggy to me. He should change it... By the way, is there a more annoying player in the league than Clark? You finally get a good rush on Manning, he releases a wobbly throw you swear will be incomplete, and who's WIDE FUCKING OPEN every time? That asshole. Hey, D-coordinators, how about covering that fucking redneck?... I can't say Todd Heap's last name without thinking of the time I had to take a shit while out camping...

"Jeff Saturday is a better blocker than King Friday... Ben Utecht's last name sounds like a doctor's shorthand for Urinary Tract Infection... What I like about Tony Dungy is his absolute refusal to exploit the weaknesses of the opposing team. I'm saying I like this because I play against him... Cato June! Cato June! Where are you, my little yellow swine friend?... Booger McFarland? Bullshit. Curtis Armstrong is the original Booger, and no one can tell me different. I say we blow their fucking houses up...

"You think Vince Young had a shitty Wunderlic score? Steve McNair took it once. One of the questions was what is the square root of nine. He crossed out all the multiple choice answers and wrote, 'I like oatmeal'. They didn't even know how to grade it. They decided to just give him a sticker with a pineapple on it instead of an actual score. He was pretty psyched... You know how reporters all say that, unlike other receivers, Marvin Harrison is all classy and shit? Let me tell you something: he's the biggest bitch of the bunch. One time I saw Peyton miss him when he was open, and Harrison literally hissed at him. Hissed! Like a queer snake. Who hisses?...

"Oh, and I like the Ravens by 10."

Now THAT is some good analysis. Suck it, Tom Jackson.