Friday, January 12, 2007

KSK Top Secret Playoff Scouting Report Bukkake - Colts at Ravens


It's playoff time, so we at KSK asked a high-ranking NFL scout to analyze the playoff matchups. This man was offered anonymity in exchange for his complete and utter candor. In this post, he analyzes Saturday's Ravens-Colts game:

"The key to stopping Peyton Manning in a playoff game is to snap him the ball... I took a shit once at the Colts practice facility. Lovely bathrooms, with marble floors and everything. Anyway, I finish up my growler and go to wash my hands, and who should come out of the stall next to mine but Dwight Freeney. I asked him how his went, and he said, 'It was a two-beacher, with no paperwork.' Then he left. I'm still trying to figure out what that means...

"Jonathan Ogden has really big hair. We scouts always say that big hair is big fun... If you stab someone anywhere near Ray Lewis, he won't hesitate to take himself out of the play... I was in the Colts parking lot when I noticed that Dallas Clark's truck has a license plate that reads 1AMMO1. It looks like it says, 'I am moi.' I don't think it was a personalized plate, but either way it's still pretty faggy to me. He should change it... By the way, is there a more annoying player in the league than Clark? You finally get a good rush on Manning, he releases a wobbly throw you swear will be incomplete, and who's WIDE FUCKING OPEN every time? That asshole. Hey, D-coordinators, how about covering that fucking redneck?... I can't say Todd Heap's last name without thinking of the time I had to take a shit while out camping...

"Jeff Saturday is a better blocker than King Friday... Ben Utecht's last name sounds like a doctor's shorthand for Urinary Tract Infection... What I like about Tony Dungy is his absolute refusal to exploit the weaknesses of the opposing team. I'm saying I like this because I play against him... Cato June! Cato June! Where are you, my little yellow swine friend?... Booger McFarland? Bullshit. Curtis Armstrong is the original Booger, and no one can tell me different. I say we blow their fucking houses up...

"You think Vince Young had a shitty Wunderlic score? Steve McNair took it once. One of the questions was what is the square root of nine. He crossed out all the multiple choice answers and wrote, 'I like oatmeal'. They didn't even know how to grade it. They decided to just give him a sticker with a pineapple on it instead of an actual score. He was pretty psyched... You know how reporters all say that, unlike other receivers, Marvin Harrison is all classy and shit? Let me tell you something: he's the biggest bitch of the bunch. One time I saw Peyton miss him when he was open, and Harrison literally hissed at him. Hissed! Like a queer snake. Who hisses?...

"Oh, and I like the Ravens by 10."

Now THAT is some good analysis. Suck it, Tom Jackson.

14 comments:

HofC said...

'It was a two-beacher, with no paperwork

Thanks, I needed that imagery....

doug_plank said...

Manning's gonna take a shit at the 20 yard line on Saturday.

Becky said...

Oh, how I love Canteen Boy.

But seriously, you and I both know he can't spell oatmeal.

Jawbreaker said...

"It was a two-beacher, with no paperwork."

I don't even know what that means, but I [like] it.

Kyle said...

Kyle Boller to come in and win it for the Ravens out of sheer fear of Ray Ray after McNair finally dies on the field at the hands of the Colts pass rush.

And Manning to shit himself. Twice, in the first half and be comforted on the sideline by Troy Aikman.

Can we just destroy the city of Baltimore this Sunday and let the Raiders play in the AFC championship game instead, that would be way more entertaining.

Chad said...

Brilliant!

Grimoald said...

The Dallas Clark thing is so fucking true. It is always fucking 3rd down as well, with Peyton running from pressure like a bitch, then just slinging the ball away. It always ends up in Clark's hands, 1 yard past the marker.

I hate the Colts.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I'm in just too good of a mood today to think of anything mean to say.

I just hope the Ravens lose.

Mike said...

According to the sports writers' dictionary, a "Classy Receiver" is "a black guy who doesn't talk a lot of shit and plays with Peyton Manning."

Charlie Joiner & Andre Reed also qualified by being black, quiet, & playing with All-Pro QBs that reporters stroked.

Bad Becks said...

"A two beacher w/no paperwork" = clearly a good morning after a long night of beer drinking. I wish I had more of those...

whitefolks said...

i really have to think that "A two beacher with no paperwork" has to mean there were two of considerable size, but quite miraculously, nothing to wipe.

Yeah, I spent a decent amount of my youth enamored with the poster at Spencer Gifts showing the wide variety of cartoon shits.

go ravens

mind... said...

I think Chris Cooley is the only player more annoying than Dallas Clark. But that's only because I hate the Redskins and Colts... and white people.


kidding.

rar288 said...

I think whitefolks nailed it. Really what else could it mean?

Claude Balls said...

Great call, Drew; you only missed by 19. Are you sure that UM didn't write this post?