Tuesday, January 9, 2007

KSK Roundtable: Chiefs at Colts

About the time Peyton Manning threw his first interception on Saturday evening, Christmas Ape, Unsilent Majority, and I realized we were all online at the same time because our schadenfreude-tastic emails to each other kept arriving in rapid-fire succession. Off the cuff, we set up an AIM chat, so that we could share our experience of the game with you fine (read: drunk) readers.

I spent the last two days fixing our spelling mistakes and typos, adding pictures and links, and editing out the duller parts of the chat (which was most of it). In our defense, that's because a lot of the time we were talking about the game, which was also fucking boring.

Captain Caveman: I foresee a piece of cake post... all we have to do is be funny.
CC: Ready, GO!
Christmas Ape: Uh.....wozzle, wuzzle.
Unsilent Majority: Whitest fan bases in the league collide!

[The Chiefs, following a Ty Law INT that gave them a first-and-goal, choke away the opportunity with a missed field goal.]

CC: Good Christ the Chiefs suck.
CC: I'm gonna need to go to scotch earlier than I planned if I'm gonna watch this game.
Ape: Due to complete and utter incompetence, the part of the Kansas City Chiefs will be played by the cast of Prarie Home Companion in the second half, same quaint Mid-Western values!
UM: Does that mean Lindsay Lohan will be making an appearance?
CC: I thought she was on the Colts D-line.
UM: I'll get the Lysol ready just in case.
CC: (I'd still have sex with her.)
UM: (As would I.)
UM: But at this point it would be like throwing a football through a tire.
CC: Hey, it turns Peyton on.
Ape: Numm, numm wonderful dinner of fish sticks and chicken tenders - I'm a wealthy man.
UM: Jesus Ape, that's depressing.
Ape: Not as much as this game.
Ape: ZING!

[Lovie Smith is shown watching the game in the stands, leaning away from a white woman who we assume is his wife.]

Ape: Nice prep for losing next week Lovie. [NOTE: This was before the Seahawks won.]
UM: I love how Lovie's trying to pretend he's not with that white woman.
CC: Is he ashamed of her?
Ape: 12 percenter.
CC: 12 percent of the time, it works every time.

[Peyton Manning gets sacked or makes a bad throw or something. The screen cuts to Jim Sorgi stoically holding a clipboard.]

UM: Sorgi just looks like a football player.
CC: ...everything except the name on the back of his jersey.
UM: Okay, I need some food, what should I order?
CC: "Gross, you got me all Sorgi."
UM: Now I'm not hungry.

UM: They're setting up for a wedding at my house... I'm gonna have to crash. Super duper fly part 2!
Ape: Playoff cake.
CC: You're hosting a wedding but aren't invited?
UM: My apartment is a part of this mansion that gets rented out for huge parties.
Ape: +1 if you gush "it's so beautiful" while stuffing cake in your mouth.
UM: I hope it's an Indian wedding, they look like fun in the movies.
Ape: Lots of orange.
CC: And singing.
CC: And disapproving older generations.
UM: No, I meant feathers not dots.
UM: I'm going to hell.
Ape: Lots of tears.
UM: Not many Mohicans.
CC: Those Indians have weddings still?
CC: I guess it makes sense, what with the casinos and all.
UM: They're kind of like pox parties...only smaller.
Ape: Does the D.C. gambling commission issue wedding licenses?

[A Grey's Anatomy commercial. Ugh.]

CC: If somebody bombed the set of Grey's Anatomy, I'd be okay with that.
UM: I don't think I'd spill any tears.
CC: Easily the worst show since Sex and the City.
UM: Who started the whole "Sandra Oh is attractive" thing?
UM: ...because she looks like a dog cross-bred with a llama.
CC: Llama-dog? That might turn Monday Morning Punter on.

[The Halftime Show features an unemployed Jim Mora, Jerome Bettis suggesting the Chiefs -- who don't have a first down yet -- wait on benching Trent Green, and Peter King with the inside scoop that the Steelers might hire Russ Grimm or Ken Whisenhunt. To stave off boredom, UM posts the link to his experience at Gilbert Arenas's birthday party.]

Ape: Last time I was at Love/Dream, this annoying girl I had to go with fell down the stairs on the way out.
Ape: Even the bouncer laughed at her.
UM: What were you doing at the club in the first place?
Ape: Moment of weakness.
Ape: I hate clubbing - that was the last time I was there - it was at least 3 years ago.
CC: Even I go to the Meatpacking District every now and again.
CC: It's the allure of side-boob.
UM: Last night's level of side-boob was something to behold.
UM: Then there were the girls wearing nothing but body paint...
Ape: DC clubs are horrible though, especially 1223.
UM: Yeah CC, the NYC clubs are a helluva lot different than DC clubs.
UM: Yours are more irritating and less deadly.
CC: Well, NYC has Jersey and Staten Island assholes.
UM: Exactly.
CC: ...and DC has black people.
UM: hahaha
UM: They're just like you and me.
UM: Only more confident in their dancing.
CC: I can't believe I didn't notice.

[Chunky soup commercial]

UM: KSK needs a "team mom."
CC: Dallas Becca.

UM: Can she heat soup?
CC: With her vagina, I'm certain.

Ape: At 10 this morning I checked the catalog online of the library looking for The Blind Side. The catalog said they had it. I was there 30 minutes later and it was checked out. I hate being poor.
UM: I just sent my copy to my brother, you should have called dibs.
Ape: My editor mentor/father-figure at [redacted] is almost done with it, but he's finishing his book on Clarence Thomas, so who knows how long it'll take him to finish it.
UM: "My editor mentor/father-figure" ...tell us where he touched you.
CC: UM, don't you have The Blind Side?
UM: I just said I sent it to my brother.
CC: Ohhhhhhh...
UM: Wake up jarhead.
CC: Paying attention to my scotch.
UM: Oh shit, I have a second copy.
Ape: Military 1, Jews 0
UM: I totally forgot I pre-ordered it on Amazon when I was high... totally forgot... and bought it at the airport on a business trip.
Ape: Journalism 0

[Christmas Ape's AIM screen name is a reference to Vonnegut's Kilgore Trout. Two of his more popular journalistic efforts have investigated beekeeping and a lost dog. With the scotch taking hold, I write, "Good call, ape-trout bee-dog."]

Ape: Apetrout Beedog should be a Kool Keith track.
UM: Or a really bad Etan Thomas poem.
CC: Or a member of Wu-Tang.
Ape: Or a stupid name for a reverse screen.
CC: FreeDarko contributor.
Ape: LeBron lovechild.
UM: Pretentious micro-brew.
UM: Almost like Dogfishhead.
CC: Manbearpig.
CC: Cereally.
UM: I can't hear that without laughing.

[This Southwest Airlines ad comes on, for approximately the 20,000th time this season.]

Ape: Like the black woman in the airport men's bathroom wouldn't tell all the whities to go fuck themselves.

Let's just end it there, shall we? The Colts won, 23-8... not that any of us watched all the way to the end.


MSH said...

Funny post. That Hilary Duff photo is nothing short of revelatory. "Sideboob" rivals "coinslot" for Favorite Hooch-related Term of 2006.

J.L. White said...

Wow, I never thought it could occur, but a drunken, rambling IM chat between members of the KSK Gay Mafia is actually the most interesting and entertaining aspect to an NFL Playoff game. I really wish NFL Films will just throw acid on all copies of the Chiefs/Colts game, so that none of us will trip over it someday while watching ESPN Classic in the middle of the night.

burma jones said...

CC, you have some Ice-9 in that scotch of yours?

WV - SMENITA = Female Analogue of SMEGMA

highonLowe said...

that's good stuff, although I prefer 'hotdog down a hallway' to your 'throwing a football through a tire'

ps. i got damn 'smenita' for word verification again

BigRicks said...

I found the idea of Dallas Becca warming some Chunky in her Vagina mildly arousing.

VW - SMENITA, I think I contracted Smenita from some chick from Long Island back in College, either that or I was drinking Smenita Vodka the night I contracted something else.

Dickens Cider said...

I think I went to club 1223 once. I don't really remember too much due to the fact that I was sloshed, but I do remember a shit load of Asians there and paying a $10 cover to get in. Oh wait, I guess that could describe any club in D.C.

burma jones said...

HighonLowe: Like a toothpick in a teacup.

WV SMENITA (still)... On a dark desert highway / cool wind in my hair - Warm smell of SMENITAS / rising up through the air...

shea_guevara said...

I always assumed Christmas Ape was a reference to the immortal Troy McClure vehicle (and of course its sequel "Christmas Ape Goes To Summer Camp").

Yeah, I think all of Blogger is infested with Smenita right now.

highonLowe said...

I went back and read the whole thing this time; I'd like to change my entry to that's fucking hilarious stuff, instead of just good stuff.
I think you've found some offseason material here.

highonLowe said...

burma- toothpick in a teacup is usable if she's british and < 5'3", (like my ex.... hmmmt... she was hot, but she was crazy, like fart in front of my parents crazy)

Bouj said...

msh, that isn't the Duff. That's Z-list celeb Courtney Peldon. She's been on TV. I saw her in LA once with her man, the one and only Crispin Glover.

fallex said...

Chicago Bears Head Coach Lovie Smith and his wife, MaryAnne

Not pictured are their children: Ginger, Thurston, and Professor

mind... said...

that last line was freakin awesome.

by the way... Is Christmas Ape black?

TheBigO said...

"Is Christmas Ape black? "

Yep, and yellow.

HadesGigas said...

So that's grounds for a vacation? That bitch rich.

flubby said...

"Come on Frylock, you're black. You sound black... Where are you from?" - Shake

doug_plank said...

There is something wrong with Becca's eyes, but I guess that's why they invented the doggy position.

twoeightnine said...

Wow, that sounds like most of my IM conversations minus the talk of roofies, midgets, porn, and roofies and midget porn.

ButtsecksKarms said...

There is something wrong with Becca's eyes...

I shit you not, I know Becca personally and that eye (one of them bitches is lazy) drives me up the wall. It doesn't look that bad in pictures or from the stands but it's borderline creepy in person.

But, then again, them titties ain't creepy.

p.s. She loves the sex (and no, I'm not claiming to have sexed her but the girl I know her from, another cheerleader, says shes a nympho!).

Garthmeister J. said...

The only reason to go to 1223 is for the open bar happy hour. Get completely tanked there, and then stumble somewhere else.

The Pirate Sloth said...

So did this friend, the cheerleader, provide photographic and/or video evidence of this alleged "nympho" behavior with said cheerleader and/or cheerleaders in the shower?

ButtsecksKarms said...

Unfortunately not, but she did say that the consensus among the squad on "If you could hook up with anyone else on the squad, who would it be?" was Becca, by a long shot.

True story.

BigRicks said...

Eyes Too Close Together