Sunday, January 7, 2007

KSK Top Secret Playoff Scouting Report Bukkake - Jets @ Patriots



One can only assume that while Eric Mangini may have inherited some of
his mentor's tertiary skills, such as post-season game preparation and homewrecking, it remains undetermined whether the young protege has fully cultivated them. Success in the NFL is hard enough, but to bust out of the gate at 10-6 in his first year, and with THE FUCKING JETS for Pete's sake, suggests that the primary and secondary lessons in Football Awesomeness from Bill Belichick were well-studied.

These resurgent Jets, were it not for post-Katrina Saints, would have been a lock for team of the year. Is this large-market franchise, with incompetence cascading down its hull like toilet water in a porcelain urinal, on the verge of a organizational renaissance? Or has the blind squirrel stumbled upon its acorn? Today's game should be a good indication of which stance leans closer to fact.

Throughout the campaign, Mangini has managed to believe in two things that virtually no one else could: heavy carbs after 7 pm and Chad Pennington. The latter won the Comeback Player of The Year award, which will be renamed in 2008 as the Ford Mustang One Sliver Of Partial Glory Among A Legacy Of Dog Shit And Broken Dreams award. Mangini's initial burst of Football Awesomeness was expected to be stifled with Pennington in the lineup, returning from off-season surgery on a rotator cuff that was already weaker than the elastic in Janet Jackson's bra strap. And yet the Jets won games, including 5 of their last 6.

Across the field from this garage-sale-quality signal caller stands the pride of the National Football League. The Technicolor Dreamboat, relatively fresh from being expelled from both the Pro Bowl and Bridget Moynahan's beaver, faces his first playoff game with a wide receiver corps with no postseason experience. Tom Brady is Tom Brady, the obese Caucasian pundits will say, while expecting the young'ns to show no signs of pressure as The Dreamy One launches touchdown after touchdown while The Autumn Wind Is A Pirate is filtered into the pressbox speakers.

But, as the cool kids quip, this is why they play the game.

Mangini will have his team ready to play today, that is, after enjoying one last Chicken Marsala with extra club sauce and napping to situational footage of the Patriots offense on 3rd-and-long. And when the smoke clears and post-game foolishness commences, look for revitalized exuberance and New Football Awesomeness to have conquered the team that's been there one too many times.

Jets 21, Patriots 20.

23 comments:

FenwayFaithful78 said...

Such blasphamy, and on a Sunday too.

Mike said...

You're clearly out of your skull, Punter.

But I like it. And I'm taking your prediction to the bank. Literally. I'm withdrawing the nest egg, selling the wife into slavery, donating sperm, hocking the wedding band, and laying it all on my J-E-T-S Jets, Jets, Jets.

And if they lose, just remember you'll have a crazed Jet fan coming after you for eternity.

Landru said...

Ouch. You jinxed me, you donkey-raping shit-eater. Can't you manage to stick to the conventional wisdom?

Unsilent Majority said...

Everybody should go back and read this week's Always Be Covering. Then read Matt's comment above...all will make sense.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Oh, how I hope the Jets leave that girly-armed douchebag Tom Brady pouting in the mud (or at least on the turf) just like they did last time. There are few people I truly loathe, but Tom "Ass On My Face" Brady is one of them.

Mike said...

As far as I can tell, there was no "Always Be Covering" this week, nor is there a post by "Matt." So I have no idea what I'm looking for.

Otherwise, everything makes total sense, UM.

Unsilent Majority said...

Yeah I'm retarded but that's been established. Generic "M" names all kind of run together on Sunday mornings. Plus the "ABC" wasn't actually the title of the post, so let's make this easier.

My prediction:
Just think how many dumbfucks in Jersey are going to put their welfare checks on the Jets? The answer is "all of them".

Your action:
And I'm taking your prediction to the bank. Literally. I'm withdrawing the nest egg, selling the wife into slavery, donating sperm, hocking the wedding band, and laying it all on my J-E-T-S Jets, Jets, Jets.

WV: TLAWBJ...there is absolutely no way that this is a mere coincidence...I'm terrified right now.

Mike said...

Ahhhhh . . . I see the confusion: I'm not a dumbfuck in Jersey. I'm a dumbfuck in NY.

Unsilent Majority said...

Well then best of luck to you!

Mike said...

Indeed. No money riding on the game in truth, but my sanity is.

Which is clear, or I wouldn't be a fan of this haunted franchise in the first case.

Unsilent Majority said...

I've got a nice teaser going.
Pitt Basketball -14 (already covered)
New England -2.5
Philly Straight Up

your misery is my profit.

Mike said...

Betting on college hoops. You're are officially a degenerate gambler.

Congrats, mazels, tovs, and everything else you deserve.

And no, I'm not drunk.

Yet.

Clint said...

Stick to bloggin, you are not handicappers here, especially the shylock.

You're dead wrong about Eli and the Giants. They'll win this weekend (in reference to the fact all of you have a negative hard-on for Eli Manning)

gymclassheroes said...

I can't get past the fact that "Mangini" sounds like a condition one contracts whilst ass-jamming a Romo...

Maybe like a reddish-sore that runs the entire length of your Pennington.

Beantown said...

Looks like Mike will be living in a box behind Wal-mart.....

Go home J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets!

FenwayFaithful78 said...

All I can say is:


SUCK IT MMP!!!!

SUCK IT!!! SUCK IT!

Mike said...

And the Patriot fans come out in all their blazing (flaming?) glory AFTER the game. Nicely done, fellas. Should I be impressed by your bravery, your predictive ability, or your incredible lack of class?

Enjoy having your clocks cleaned in Baltimore next week.

Mike said...

Or San Diego, actually.

Unsilent Majority said...

Stick to bloggin, you are not handicappers here, especially the shylock.

you're absolutely correct. i'm only 3-0 for the playoffs with a seven point cushion in the ongoing fourth game. stick to whatever else it is you do.

Beantown said...

Mike - lack of class? Just celebrating a win baby! But BTW, the Pats will be playing in SD next week while the Jets are playing scrabble with their wives - ha!

I see this site has a lot of haters. I guess opinons are like assholes we all have one.

Unsilent Majority said...

I guess opinons are like assholes we all have one.

so weak...

Beantown said...

Yep, you set the bar Silent Majority!

See what I mean, fucking haters......man, you people must have shitty lives. Quite defensive on the draw there chief. And this is a fucking gem "your misery is my profit."!

Unsilent Majority said...

You're right I'm a hater, your material is fresh and original and we are very sad people. Move along now.