The Gigantosaur Was Denied a Bank Loan: The Hater's Guide to the Postseason

If, like myself, you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won't do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

AFC 1st seed -- San Diego Chargers (14-2)

Dearest Whale's Vagina Footballers Named After an Obscure Word for a Horse,

By dint of the two sweetest words in the English language, you are the least obnoxious team remaining in the playoffs in the AFC. Congratulations. We're even willing to ignore some past unpleasantness, the fact that your fans are tepid in their passion and that the weather in your city is always fucking perfect. This only speaks to the intolerability of the other three teams.

We here at KSK admire your efforts to keep Patriots fans out of your stadium. We wish we knew how to do it with our site. Sure, the Bears are doing the same with the Seahawks, but why even bother banning a dozen or so people? Hardly seems worth the effort.

Yours is a most impressive roster: a ridiculously talented running back, a Measty tight end who you should probably throw to more often, and, of course, The Gigantosaur. Eater of Souls. Raper of Quarterbacks and Lady Terps. Teller of Lies. Taker of 'Roids.

But it is not your players who worry us. Sure, your quarterback is relatively inexperienced, but we have confidence in him nonetheless to bear the intense pressures of playoff football.

It is, unsurprisingly, Herr Schottenheimer who is the locus of our worries. Schottenheimer, like San Diego itself, is a German word. It means "bland sex with no climax."

You may not share our concerns. After all, Marty's longtime protege, Bill Cowher, was able to overcome a similar history of ineffectiveness in big games last season to capture a Super Bowl title. But Cowher, even in his disappointing choking seasons, was able to win at least one playoff game. Marty wastes no time in sucking ass come January.

Still, buzz is rife this season that Marty has overcome his hyperconservative ways. Forgive us if we are not yet convinced. This is why we wish to inform you that we, the NFL-adoring public will be dispatching a hari kari (or seppuku or whatever your preferred term is) sword to the sideline in San Diego. Make sure he gets a good look at it before the game. Speak to him of samurai legends. If Schottenheimer continues his choking ways, we are not only encouraging but expecting you to force him to fall on his sword. Don't worry, CBS will make it look all shadowy and cinematic and shit.

We understand the jinxing nature of such pregame messages, so we wish to emphasize the toughness of your opponent. I mean, THE PATRIOTS NEVER LOSE PLAYOFF GAMES and NOT EVEN GOD HIMSELF COULD STOP THE PATRIOTS FROM WINNING SUNDAY.

Thank you for your time and please murder Tom Brady in cold blood.

Yours in Goodell,

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