Wednesday, December 6, 2006

My Eerie Calmness Should Tell You I'm Totally Off Steroids


Well, I think that should set the record straight. I came back last week, notched a sack, and helped the Chargers assume the mantle of hottest team in the NFL. And I did it all without a lick of steroids. So I hope this proves to you folks, once and for all, that I'm clean.

Did someone just brush against me? Who the fuck just brushed against me?! WHO?! Show your face, coward! You don't pipe up now, I'm gonna fucking perform live surgery on you and then stitch the wound shut with human hair!

Oh, sorry. Think I nodded off there for a moment. Anyway, now that I've served my suspension without complaint, I'd like to think I have a clean slate with everyone. Heck, Peter King says I'm still in the running for Defensive Player of the Year! I think that's proof enough that I've made amends.

Did someone move my shampoo?! It was right here in my locker. Well, who the fuck moved it? I didn't move it. Was it YOU? I swear to God, if I find out you moved my Pantene, I will fucking crack open your sternum and suck out a gallon of your blood with a crazy straw!

And where the fuck is my Gold Bond?! That shit keeps my crotch nice and dry. It's like a breath mint for my balls. The menthol burning lets me know it's working. So help me God, if someone took my Gold Bond without asking me, I will tear off their scrotum and use it as a motherfuckin' speed bag! Not such a merry man anymore, am I?! AM I?!!!!


Did I just nod off again? Oh, dear. I think I may be having an adverse reaction to the Joe Weider Protein Fuel I just bought. Nothing to worry about. As I was saying, I think I do deserve some consideration for DPOY. I never took steroids willingly. And, you can rest assured, I never will.

Who's that female reporter in the back? She's wearing a skirt. I'm gonna fuck her. And if anyone gets in my way, they're also gonna get fucked. Boy or girl. My cock is the Juggernaut. Don't get in the way if you don't want to be a human shish kebab. I want that. I want it I want it I want it! Don't tell me what I can and can't have! I take the fuck! Look at my flared nostrils and decide if you think I'm to be fucked with!

In fact, I'm going to become even more vigilant about the kinds of things I put in my body.

What the fuck?! Do you see that? You see that man in the gorilla suit in the back corner?! Am I the only person who sees him? Get the fuck away from me, Monkey Man! I have done your bidding for long enough! You can't see him? He's right fucking there! I can hear his voice in my brain. I will not go to BananaLand with you, Monkey Man. We rescued the Princess already. I will not go back! Never again!!!!!

But I'm gonna be the same Shawne Merriman I've always been.

(breathing heavily) My name is not Shawne Merriman. It is Gigantosaur! Lord of the Cities and Oceans! And those who do not bow before me will have their lawns fertilized with their own entrail juices!

Hmm. I seem to have torn the flesh off of my body. That's odd.

THERE IS NO ESCAPE FOR ANY OF YOU! YOU WILL KNOW TRUE FEAR ONCE GIGANTOSAUR COMES FOR YOU! MANKIND WILL BE CONSUMED IN THE BITTER FLAMES OF MY NEVERENDING WRATH! ALL LIFE WILL EXIST TO FEED ME! GIRAFFES! LOBSTERS! ORANGUTANS! GOD HAS CREATED LIFE AS FUEL FOR MY INSATIABLE APPETITE! SOON NOTHING WILL REMAIN! RUN! RUN! RUN!

Hey, where's everyone going? I thought we were all cool.

20 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

bdd is off his meds again...and we're all reaping the benefits.

KillBillWirtz said...

Get the fuck away from me, Monkey Man!

Donnie Darko on steroids.

That Bananaland premise sounds like the story for Super Mario Bros. 2. Is Merriman going to wake up and realize it was all a steroid induced dream?

Signal to Noise said...

My cock is the Juggernaut.

You know, I always thought the dude looked like a giant dick when reading X-Men anyway. Works for me.

Christmas Ape said...

All those riots at Maryland are now starting to make a whole lot of sense.

4giantsfans said...

Oooh do Shockey next

Clint said...

All I know, I am not amused by Shawne Merriman or anything about him. He raped a friend at U Maryland. Only got away with it because he's a big meathead star football player.

whitefolks said...

Well....that's a thread killer.

So, how's the performance of your local sporting squadron been?

anon said...

Any fans of the Nye Jets?

Big Daddy Drew said...

-We'll work up a "Number 6" on 'em!
-"Number 6"? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one...
-Well, that's where we go a-ridin' into town, a whampin' and whompin' every livin' thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the women folks, of course.
-You spare the women?
-NAW. We rape the shit out of them at the Number 6 Dance later on!

Jackin'4Beats said...

OH MY GOD...
Definitely off his meds, Definitely...

Wheel Of Fortune. Look at the studio filled with glamorous merchandise. Fabulous and exciting bonus prizes. Thousands of dollars in cash. Over $150,000 just waiting to be won as we present our big bonanza of cash on Wheel Of Fortune

Otto Man said...

We were just outside of Barstow when the drugs kicked in.

4giantsfans said...

BDD is my hero

8hrdrive said...

My non-funny (as if my others are), "true story" comment of the week:
My classmate's dad was the asst. strength and conditioning coach for the chiefs when Marty was there. Not only did Marty know his players were on roids, he condoned and encouraged it. My friend's dad is also a cattle rancher/power lifter during the off season, so steroids were very accessible to him. He was the source in that clubhouse. Carl P. knew about it too, and turned the other way. When Lamar Hunt found out, the guy was fired.

I wonder if San Diego's proximity to Tijuana has anything to do with this story.

whitefolks said...

While I don't condone steroids in a sport unless everyone uses them (I would watch an all-steroid league for just about any sport), I believe that any professional athlete taking a recreational drug should get a free pass.

Portis wants to take some X and just writhe around at the bottom of a tackle pile? Sounds great to me!

Knowing it takes roughly 8-10 minutes to make a free throw both high and drunk, I have all the respect for someone that thinks they can do it on the playing field.

Awful Chief said...

Now, I don't have to tell you good folks what has been happening here in our beloved little town of San Diego since Shawne Merriman stopped being alowed to play football: sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped.

J.L. White said...

The Chargers are coming up here to Seattle for a game on Christmas Eve.....if Santa is reading this, the only present I want this year is that myself and my fellow denizens remain un-raped and un-murdered by the hands of Shawnee-no, I mean Gigantosaur, King of Cities & Oceans!!!

And a Nintendo Wii would be cool, too.

Tom Bache said...

I'm just curious to know whether people think that Merriman is the only football player taking steroids. Personally, I think they are all taking them, which means that Merriman's explanation for the drug test failure (tainted supplement) actually makes sense because nobody ever tests positive for steroids.

The Angry Rant said...

Yeah, screw BananaLand. MariachiLand is where the action is.

highonLowe said...

This is football, not the supreme court. If you're a DL and you're not on steroids, you're not on the team.

Its always your friend's dad its never your dad...

The Pirate Sloth said...

Do you think Shawn gets delusions of granduer and when he's workin it with a chick, grabs his wang and shouts "I'm the Juggernaut Bitch! Don't you know who the fuck I am?! I'm the fuckin Juggernaut!"