Well, I think that should set the record straight. I came back last week, notched a sack, and helped the Chargers assume the mantle of hottest team in the NFL. And I did it all without a lick of steroids. So I hope this proves to you folks, once and for all, that I'm clean.
Did someone just brush against me? Who the fuck just brushed against me?! WHO?! Show your face, coward! You don't pipe up now, I'm gonna fucking perform live surgery on you and then stitch the wound shut with human hair!
Oh, sorry. Think I nodded off there for a moment. Anyway, now that I've served my suspension without complaint, I'd like to think I have a clean slate with everyone. Heck, Peter King says I'm still in the running for Defensive Player of the Year! I think that's proof enough that I've made amends.
Did someone move my shampoo?! It was right here in my locker. Well, who the fuck moved it? I didn't move it. Was it YOU? I swear to God, if I find out you moved my Pantene, I will fucking crack open your sternum and suck out a gallon of your blood with a crazy straw!
And where the fuck is my Gold Bond?! That shit keeps my crotch nice and dry. It's like a breath mint for my balls. The menthol burning lets me know it's working. So help me God, if someone took my Gold Bond without asking me, I will tear off their scrotum and use it as a motherfuckin' speed bag! Not such a merry man anymore, am I?! AM I?!!!!
Did I just nod off again? Oh, dear. I think I may be having an adverse reaction to the Joe Weider Protein Fuel I just bought. Nothing to worry about. As I was saying, I think I do deserve some consideration for DPOY. I never took steroids willingly. And, you can rest assured, I never will.
Who's that female reporter in the back? She's wearing a skirt. I'm gonna fuck her. And if anyone gets in my way, they're also gonna get fucked. Boy or girl. My cock is the Juggernaut. Don't get in the way if you don't want to be a human shish kebab. I want that. I want it I want it I want it! Don't tell me what I can and can't have! I take the fuck! Look at my flared nostrils and decide if you think I'm to be fucked with!
In fact, I'm going to become even more vigilant about the kinds of things I put in my body.
What the fuck?! Do you see that? You see that man in the gorilla suit in the back corner?! Am I the only person who sees him? Get the fuck away from me, Monkey Man! I have done your bidding for long enough! You can't see him? He's right fucking there! I can hear his voice in my brain. I will not go to BananaLand with you, Monkey Man. We rescued the Princess already. I will not go back! Never again!!!!!
But I'm gonna be the same Shawne Merriman I've always been.
(breathing heavily) My name is not Shawne Merriman. It is Gigantosaur! Lord of the Cities and Oceans! And those who do not bow before me will have their lawns fertilized with their own entrail juices!
Hmm. I seem to have torn the flesh off of my body. That's odd.
THERE IS NO ESCAPE FOR ANY OF YOU! YOU WILL KNOW TRUE FEAR ONCE GIGANTOSAUR COMES FOR YOU! MANKIND WILL BE CONSUMED IN THE BITTER FLAMES OF MY NEVERENDING WRATH! ALL LIFE WILL EXIST TO FEED ME! GIRAFFES! LOBSTERS! ORANGUTANS! GOD HAS CREATED LIFE AS FUEL FOR MY INSATIABLE APPETITE! SOON NOTHING WILL REMAIN! RUN! RUN! RUN!
Hey, where's everyone going? I thought we were all cool.