Two of my five favorite things in life are football and wine (the others are obviously steak, kush, and the fulfillment of manly needs). So when I looked over Sunday's box scores I couldn't help but notice the truly dreadful quarterback stats and react with the same expression reserved for tasting the worst wine of all (kosher). This league is struggling right now, it's as if half the quarterbacks have either shit for brains or the arm strength of Jamie Moyer.
I was so curious that I decided to bend one of KSK's founding rules and conduct a bit of amateur stat-crunching. What I found might startle you...take for example this week's collective stat lines (this does not include Monday Night Football because I'm too lazy to do any more infernal arithmetic...543/879 33 TD's 42 INT's for a rating of 74.87. Maybe it's an anomaly, but that sucks more dick than a high school girl who smokes.
So what are we left with? A league filled with guys who throw interceptions the way Drew grows stomach hair. What I've decided to do is break down most of the relevant quarterbacks in the league and match them with a wine that suits their unique characteristics...buckle up, it'll all make sense soon enough.
And no, loving wine is not gay, drinking it out of your boyfriend's bellybutton is gay. Not that there's anything wrong with it.
Opus One- I've never had more than a whiff and and a sip but I know it's the best (and once Dan Snyder gives me $40 million to cover punts I'll be able to afford it). These three quarterbacks represent the best of the NFL, the only difference between them and Opus is that I'd be really upset if a truck happened to run over a bottle of the wine (imitation is for bitches, irrational hatred is the ultimate flattery...and yes, I am blown away by the irony presented by my current imitation of Peter King and a thousand others).
Peyton Manning- Setting aside his fetus-like good looks and all the hatred I've harbored for him since his days in Tennessee, I have to admit he's the man.
Tom Brady- I actually like Brady a lot more than than Manning but he's pretty, he fucks goats, and he's always winning. Opus can claim at least two of the three (although Mr. Mondavi was recently spotted at a petting zoo).
Donovan McNabb- When he's healthy McNabb is as good as anyone, just look at the rosters he dragged into the playoffs year after year. Freddie Mitchell was practically as starter!!!
Cakebread Cabernet- Yeah, that's my shit, it's still a little pricey so I can only get it on special occasions (I'm currently saving a bottle for Vinny Ceratto's public flagellation). It's got everything you could want from a bold red, and I'd happily enjoy it during my last meal on Earth. Similarly I'd have no problem trusting the abilities of these quarterbacks when it matters most. Oddly enough, I like all of these guys quite a bit. Unlike Opus One they aren't all pretentious; they are not in the elite tier but the drop-off is negligible.
Carson Palmer- He's just now getting back to full strength and he's starting to look great again.
Matt Hasselbeck- The picture says he belongs above, but he's just good enough.
Drew Brees- I never thought I'd compare the football abilities of Drew Fucking Brees to the robust deliciousiocity of Cakebread.