Friday, December 8, 2006

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Bukkake Joke for an Important Self-Promotional Message


Friends, drunkards, delightfully trashy female readers:

As KSK's resident self-promotional whore, I would be remiss to not mention that, against all odds and someone's good judgment, Kissing Suzy Kolber has been nominated for Best Sports Blog in the 2006 Weblog Awards.

Obviously, the most important thing to do now is discredit the award as being inherently meaningless for its methodology (Internet poll in which you can vote once a day) and for its return (there is no cash reward, no trophy, not even an awards ceremony where we can get drunk).

On the other hand, it would be cool to win. Not because we want to win, of course -- it doesn't matter to our disaffected, sardonic souls -- but because it would expose the fraudulent voting system: you see, we have no business winning Best Sports Blog. We do, however, rock harder than all the rest combined. A look at the competition (number of votes at 11 a.m. Eastern in parentheses), whom I have rudely failed to link because I'm lazy and hung over...

Ben Maller
(12)
On the payroll for FOXsports.com, Ben Maller collects sports rumors and interesting tidbits from the beat reports of newspapers around the country. Hey, cutting and pasting is hard!

TrueHoop (8)
The depth of Henry Abbott's b-ball knowledge is amazing, and his dedication to being at the leading edge of all pertinent discussions about the NBA is nonpareil. He's the godfather of the NBA blogosphere. He's more dedicated than everyone at KSK combined.

But lemme ask you this: when was the last time he made a dick joke? That's what I thought.

Deadspin (86)
Never heard of it.

Mister Irrelevant (11)
Jamie Mottram is a true mensch and quite possibly the epicenter of blogger legitimacy. But you don't want to vote for AOL, do you? That's like cheering for U.S. Steel.

The Blue-Gray Sky (4)
Unlike Deadspin, I had ACTUALLY never heard of this, so I googled it. The top of the page has the blog's title; the subheader reads "a Notre Dame scrapbook."

F-minus.

Blogcritics Sports (37)
Our esteemed commenter "Suss~~" is actually the editor of Blogcritics Sports. If you're not aware of Blogcritics, here's what it says on their Wikipedia page:

The site—a self-proclaimed "sinister cabal of superior bloggers"—offers a wide range of articles focusing on popular culture in such categories as Music, Books, TV/Film, Sports, and Gaming. In addition, it features Politics and Culture sections dealing with a broader range of cultural issues. At the time of this writing, Blogcritics currently features more than 400 original articles a week and maintains an archive of over 37,000 posts.
Sure, that sounds nice, but I used Blogcritics' search tool to look for posts that mentioned "bukkake" and here's what I got:

Sorry, we couldn't find any Web pages matching your criteria.

400 posts a week and no bukkake? Every time I go into our SiteMeter referrals somebody found KSK by searching bukkake. Nuff said.

the mighty mjd (3)
Now with 80% more links to the FanHouse!

Full Throttle (15)
I hadn't heard of this one, either. Turns out it's about motorcycles and stuff. In other words, it's the token Asian in the Cabinet. Full Throttle Sports: the Secretary of Education of sports blogs!

Baseball Musings (84)
About the site's author: Used to work for STATS, Inc. Used to work for ESPN. Writes about baseball. Doesn't tell jokes.

Listen, I'm not going to say it's a lame blog, because there are all sorts of basement-dwelling library-masturbating freaks who get off on paying attention to baseball stats. I'm sure it's a very good blog. On the other hand, it's our duty as Americans to ensure that this doesn't win best sports blog. Every vote for Baseball Musings is a vote for Al Gore when Chad Johnson is on the ballot.

Kissing Suzy Kolber (72)

Allow me to tell you the story of how KSK came to be.

I started my personal blog, Karmic Payback, solely to write about the Brazilian girl (whom I had never met) that stayed as a guest in my apartment for a week. When she left, I wrote a post that said, basically, what should I write about now? And that's when Big Daddy Drew left a comment that read -- and I quote -- "CC, what if we made this a group NFL blog? I've yet to see a fairly decent one."

So there you go. Kissing Suzy Kolber exists because I nailed a Brazilian girl. What else do you want out of a sports blog?

Polls are open until December 15th. You can vote once every 24 hours.

42 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

I nailed a Brazilian girl

ronaldinho thinks you're full of shit

Christmas Ape said...

I thought KSK started because my cat willed it into being.

I was going with an Argentine girl over the summer (one of UM's tribe to boot) and even got a trip to Buenos Aires out of it. Them South American chicks is alllll right.

(blahblahblahSteelerswinblahblahblah)

The Pirate Sloth said...

Naming your blow up doll "Carmen" or "Ana" does not make her Brazilian, nor does she "leave" when you pop it from overuse.

Trust me on this one.

(but I'll vote for you)

becky said...

incentive?
STAGE an awards ceremony at which to get drunk.

that's delightful AND trashy btw.

highonLowe said...

Since we're sharing referrals, I googled 'breadwich', hit Feeling Lucky, and here I am! I don't even like football, I just came for breadwiches and stayed for the bukkake

rsr26 (aka Johnny Utah) said...

I nailed THREE brazilian girls. Then they went back to Niagra Falls.

whitefolks said...

I heard that Deadspin was started in a similar way if you allow Will's Brazilian girl to be a moderately feminine Williamsburg hipster.

Main difference being he never left and has since shot to fame as the photographer of the famous Leitch "Shower Bangs" photo.

Suss & The Family Stone said...

SWIFT BOAT BLOGGERS FOR TRUTH

(And who the fuck uses tildes?)

Big Daddy Drew said...

-These are entries into the Frito-Lay Sweepstakes. "No purchase necessary, enter as often as you want." So I am.

-That's great! How many times?

-Well, this batch makes it one million six hundred and fifty thousand. I should win thirty-two point six percent of the prizes, including the car.

swing4 said...

Did Drew just quote Real Genius? Excuse me while I vote from my laptop, my desktop, AND my phone in a demonstration of my appreciation.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Yes, that's Lazlo from Real Genius.

*shrug* so I'm a nerd who knows that without imdb-ing it.

whitefolks said...

How underrated is Jon Gries? He has been stellar in his supporting roles as Lazlo and Uncle Rico and will show up every few years in something of note.

Who to compare him to in the NFL?

Unsilent Majority said...

Lazlo Gogolak?

Jon Gries was great in Seinfeld. I once knew a horse named Rusty...no offense.

Drew Brees' Birthmark said...

As a Floridian, I have a little trouble with that whole voting thing-a-ma-bob. So I will do what Urban Meyer did and whine until the voters swing my way.

Deadspin offers gay pictures featuring a football squad in man fluid. KSK offers a weekly viewing of cheerleaders...and bukkake. KSK wins.

Rob I said...

Lazlo = Uncle Rico?

This is a 9.0 on the Surprising Revelation Scale.

dusty said...

KSK is now second in the voting..just a lil update.

It is a damn shame there isn't a party for the winner.

I need a reason to get drunk after my fantasy teams get beat down in the first round of the playoffs now that McNabb is out for the season.

tbart213 said...

BRazilian schmazilian.

You nailed a 1972 SI Swimsuit issue and were too loaded to know the difference.


cool blog though.

peytonloveskenny said...

KSK is now beating Deadspin 184-142.

Unsilent Majority said...

Is KP still active? the early days of the story were magical...until all of the panty tossers started creeping me out...smelly blog

The Pirate Sloth said...

Is there any doubt that a sports blog that somehow relates Football to dick jokes, bukakkes, wine, ball sacks, 50 year old clay-animation childrens movies, and Gigantosaur (all within 2 weeks) could not win a vote off for Best Sports Blog?

Rob I said...

I'll be excited when you get nominated for a Bloggie.

Koos said...

Q: "(And who the fuck uses tildes?)"
A: Imaginary female Brazilians.

BEST SPORTS BLOG (or "BSB") UPDATE AS OF FRIDAY 2:06 PM
KSK - 220
Deadspin - 162
Everyone else - not even close
TheBigO - zero (the vote is racist!)

There. That should keep everyone talking for the rest of the workday! Keep me amused, people!

~{ k }~

Mr. Cheuvront said...

gotta love the brazilians. I've got me some Jungle Fever!

Jackin'4Beats said...

Is there any doubt that a sports blog that somehow relates Football to dick jokes, bukakkes, wine, ball sacks, 50 year old clay-animation childrens movies, and Gigantosaur (all within 2 weeks) could not win a vote off for Best Sports Blog?

Let's not forget Sexy Sexy and his mean heater to the pansies who refuse to go deep for him.

I'm voting like 20 times a day from multiple computers. I ain't scared a you muthaf*#&@$...

Unsilent Majority said...

mr. c- I hate your avatar. that stupid fucking tackle cost me $450

J Money said...

I got a BJ on a New Jersey beach from a girl from Masadonia in about 1995. This has nothing to do with my blog, though.

doublenicks said...

Self-promotion is working. After my vote you were leading Deadspin 284-226. Question . . . if you win award from "the man" do you lose your street cred?

BigRicks said...

UM,

Conversely, that tackle won me $400, I wish I had used it as my avatar.

Suggestion, should KSK win, a celebration, somewhere, somehow would have to be in order. New York bars are open until 4:00 AM, would be perfect.

Unsilent Majority said...

ah, but three of us are in the dc area...

if we were to have a party in nyc falco might show up...awk--ward

NFL Adam said...

Don't you have like 20 guys contributing to this site? In fact, I think this site has more contributors than AOL has employees.

highonLowe said...

So Deadspin is now endorsing KSK for best sports blog.
Isn't that kinda like Harry Deanbag endorsing John Kerry after its evident he's going to get his ass kicked?
Let's just hope KSK doesn't lose to Musings because of OHIO.

J.L. White said...

If it wasn't for KSK, such beloved words like "Meast" and "Rumph" may not have found their way into my vernacular. For that, you have my vote, and my undying love. CC, for helping to create this magical place (and being a Seahawks fan), I guarantee my unwavering faith that you actually banged that brazilian chick.

MDG said...

I'm voting for KSK simply for the fact that I can post comments here unlike those bastards at Deadspin.

Angelos said...

But did she actually have a brazilian?

I married a Venezuelan. That was a good move on my part. South American asses. None better.

Suss & The Family Stone said...

By the way, I have it on good authority that no blogger has ever had sex with someone exotic.

The Pirate Sloth said...

pffft, your left hand is ALWAYS exotic. (unless you're left handed, then it's your right hand that's exotic)

8hrdrive said...

feels like someone else is doing it?

that's right pirate sloth! for a kicker....

sit on your left hand for twenty minutes....

wow, it could be anyone doing it!

The Pirate Sloth said...

We call that little trick The Drunk Girl.

It's just as unresponsive and passed out as a real drunk girl!

Didn't you learn anything of importance while you were in college?

Signal to Noise said...

update: KSK - 430, Deadspin - 397

I will be voting again tomorrow, and tomorrow's reason will be Drew's prayer for God to strike Brandon Jacobs dead.

LButler36 said...

Where I come from the called the old dead-hand trick "The Stranger"


KSK - 435
Deadspin - 410
Everybody else way behind

David said...

I dislike being compared to Al Gore. This means war.

WeJamEcono said...

If KSK wins, I'll come out from WV and drop a couple of hundred on beer at the bar of KSK's choice.

I'll also bring my altoids container for UM.