Thursday, December 21, 2006

Rexstacy Wants To Fulfill Your Fantasies

I made the championship of my fantasy league this year. In my five or so years of playing fantasy, I've never even made the playoffs, let alone the championship. This win will finally validate my razor-sharp football acumen, so there's a lot of fucking pride at stake here. And who might be my starting quarterback for this monumental encounter? You guessed it:


The Sex Cannon himself. Now I know what you're thinking: how the fuck did you reach the championship game with that asshole as your starting QB? Suffice it to say, my roster is deep enough that I can bench the Cumslinger when necessary or make up for those days when Rex wants to impress the ladies by showing he can win a game without even touching the ball. Anyway, Rex has a good matchup against the woeful Lions this weekend, so I'm taking the gamble and suiting him up. I asked him yesterday how he felt going into this all-or-nothing contest:

"We have a game Sunday? Fuck, I didn't even know. They don't tell me when the games are played. I just run out onto the field and start aiming lasers for fucking Saturn, you know what I mean? If there's a defense there, whatever. Sexy Rexy is more than happy to spray hot passes all over the defense's chest. Who are we playing? The Lions? Pfft. Those guys aren't sexy. You telling me Jon Kitna is sexy? I've seen white supremacists in prison who are sexier than that do-gooder. No wonder he's a devout Christian. What kind of pussy would he pull on the open market? Dumpster pussy, that's what.

What's that color the Lions wear? Honolulu Blue? Yeah, well I nailed six Hawaiian Tropic girls last week. So while those assholes are busy wearing Honolulu, I'm busy fucking it. Wore my mesh practice top the whole time, too. And in front of a mirror. Ever stick your finger up your own ass? God, it just felt so right.

Jesus, now that you told me I'm playing Detroit, I'm all fucking hot. God dammit. I gotta go throw something. Now. I just... I just can't take the anticipation. It's driving me buc wild. Such a depleted secondary. So many long, long throws. You know I accidentally fucked Olin Kreuntz once? True story.

So, you play fantasy football? That's funny. Because I am fantasy football. Girls watch me throw and they ovulate. It's just the way I move. So poised. So strong. So fluid. They know I'm undressing the defense with my arm. Oh, Daddy says that Rex Grossman is up to no good. And you know what, honey? Your daddy is right. I am thinking nasty, nasty thoughts when I'm out there. I throw that ball sixty yards, and I just wanna ram a stick of butter up some girl's ass. I can't help it. Football and sex just go together for me. It's a natural fit, just like any girl is a natural fit on me.

Hope you win, kid. Either way, Rex is fucking that night."

Needless to say, I'm in good hands.

25 comments:

Big Jim Slade said...

I've been saying for years that Kitna looks like a white-supremacist. Of course, the fact that he has a job does well to downplay this image.

Becky said...

As a Lions, and recent Sexy Rexy fan, I am not certain I will be able to keep my panties on during Sunday's game.

Sure, I'll be celebrating the whole baby Jesus deal with the in-laws, but surely they'll understand why I hang my thong on the tree like an ornamental tribute to the cumslinger.

Unsilent Majority said...

that's hot

Awful Chief said...

It's too bad there will be no cheerleaders on hand to enjoy the Rexecution on Sunday.

The Last Unitard said...

I need to find out who draws Rex's eyebrows on his face.

No more dumpster pussy for me!

MDG said...

Now I'm going to spend all Sunday wondering about Becky's panties while I'm sitting with my family watching the travesty that is the Skins.

peter king crowned my ass said...

What's wrong with dumpster pussy?

fallex said...

Rex SHOULD be paying attention to the Bollywood sex show happening to his right.

The Last Unitard said...

Typical punter mentality.

Brando said...

Has there ever been a less sexy regular starting QB than Jon Kitna? Not complete train wrecks like Leaf or Mirer, who had a high entertainment value. I mean guys who start for more than a season but bring no sexy to the table. Gus Ferrotte? Testes-verde? Steve DeBerg? Chris Everett?

whitefolks said...

One of the few NFL quarterbacks that had to downgrade the selection of ass available by leaving college and heading for a major city. I too dream of needing my own indoor tarp one day.

Clint said...

These Rex Grossman entries are by far, the most entertaining on the blog! I live for them. Thank you for making my life great.

Clint said...

Grossman: "I'm cummin' on you bitch....ya all over those tits..... aw fuck. Get me a towell, Lovie."

Dat RoRo Kid said...

think he gives gifts like a cock in the box?

anon said...

FYI, and serious for a moment, a couple of Sexy's offensive linemen are on the Bears' injury report this week, and may be getting some rest this Sunday.

Just sayin'...

(BTW... Word verification CAPTCHA: "hujzwle"... It's the onomatopoeic sound of Sexy slinging hot ball juice.)

Signal to Noise said...

Rexy totally would give the gift of a dick in a box.

Brian Griese is the opposite of sexy.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I think a thong on the Christmas Tree should now be a tradition in my household from now on. Adds a nice personal touch to the tree, not to mention a motivation for placing it on there.

Thanks Becky!

Becky said...

Anything I can do to make the holidays merry & bright... and of course, unrestricted by cotton, lace, and the like.

Awful Chief said...

Anon, are you suggesting that the Lions might be upset minded this week?

Suss & The Family Stone said...

Yet Suss finished one spot ahead of Drew by using only the following QBs this year:

Jake Plummer
Kerry Collins
Andrew Walter
Bruce Gradkowski
Jay Cutler

doug_plank said...

I'm in the champsionship game this week also. But luckily Rex is taped to the bench so Carson Palmer can spread the milk shake on the Broncos this week.

Sarge said...

Not bad Suss...I'm thinking that beats my Warner/Carr/Gradkowski/Losman/Leinart combo

...and I'm right with MDG - except sub in the Browns for the Skins...

5150 said...

Is there anything better than Rex on Rex? Fuck no.

Jerry MaDick said...

I honestly think you should put these Rex entries in book form. Or get him to be a weekly commentary on the Onion or something. It's fantastic!

danny said...

why do i imagine vince vaughn giving this interview in character when he plays rexsctacy in the soon to be released blockbuster "My Balls are Like Grapefruits: The Rex Grossman Story"?