Thursday, December 28, 2006

Steve Irwin Memorial Meast of the Week - Week 16

It's almost January 1st, which means that some of you will make sincere but halfhearted resolutions to finally get in shape. This is good news for places like Bally's and Gold's Gym and the like, as they can expect an influx of yearlong memberships that will collect nothing but dust and your hard-gambled cash from May onward.

As such, here's KSK's guide to your new gym membership.

Another failed Caveman love interest (no, not the dude)

Selecting a Gym

The ideal gym is a no-frills establishment. It should have mirrors but no windows. Free weights and nothing else. No air-conditioning, only huge fans that recirculate stale, hot air. The stereo system should be primitive and play only pre-Black Album Metallica. Women should be given dirty looks reserved for traitors and Cowboys fans until they show an aptitude for the clean-and-jerk. That's a fuckin' gym.

Alas, those days are gone. I belong to a New York Sports Club just north of SoHo. It has lots of elliptical trainers and those big rubber balls that people use to strengthen their core muscles. And also hot chicks in sports bras. It makes working out very enjoyable, which is horseshit. Working out should be PAIN.

Attire

Men: sneakers, shorts/warm-up pants, t-shirt. Sleeves may be cut off for those wanting freer range of movement/shoulder tattoo exposure. Wifebeaters are for peacock dipshits who want to show off their muscles. Disagree? You're a peacoack dipshit. Also, if you're the guy wearing Airwalks on the treadmill, kill yourself. Now. Same thing for the guy lifting weights in jeans. That guy deserves to have a 45-pound plate dropped on his Adam's apple.

Women: Wear what's comfortable. Sports bra? Sure. Hot pants? That's cool. Extra layer of baby oil? Green light. Makeup? What are you you, some kind of pretentious bitch? Leave the makeup at home.

Fatties: Far be it from KSK to pass judgment on fatties; several of our distinguished members are heavier individuals. As natural gluttons for beer and Buffalo wings, we wholeheartedly endorse people being fat. Unfortunately, fatties don't have the same rights of attire at the gym. Food blisters may wear baggy shorts and t-shirts only. Spandex is strictly verboten. Display of man-boobs -- whether from a too-small shirt or side-boob cleavage resulting from sleevelessness -- will result in the loss of monthly gravy rations.

Work-out Etiquette

At no time should you offer any workout tips or technique critiques to a stranger. If somebody wants to slip a disc by bouncing the bar off their chest on the bench, that's their God-given right. In the gym, every man is an island.

Grunting and groaning during sets should be kept to a minimum. You just benched 315? Way to go, meathead. No need to scream like Bruce Lee to announce it to the rest of us, though. Exception: Feel free to grunt like Peter North during a money shot if you can burst a capillary in your eye. Because that's fucking sweet.

The Opposite Sex

Women, while encouraged to wear tight, revealing clothing, are not to be spoken to. Talking to women at the gym means you're at the gym to pick up girls, which means you're a fucking douchebag with no respect for the Church of Physical Fitness.

Women are to be eye-fucked subtly, preferably in between sets and through the use of mirrors. Women are to understand this rule, and must not make eye contact with men under any circumstance. Eye contact is an invitation for inter-sex conversation, which is a mating dance best left to bars and whorehouses.

...And with that, Week 16's Meast:


Steven Jackson: 6 catches for 102 yards and a TD, 33 rushes for 150 yards and the game-winner in OT over the Redskins. Plus, he's got the best dreds in the NFL this side of Mike McKenzie. Measty.

42 comments:

Shoopmonster said...

I always found it very enjoyable to try to catch some side-boob action from a lovely lady only after bouncing off no less than three mirrors.

Matt said...

I've been reading this blog for about 8 months now, I've enjoyed use of the word measty, enjoyed poking excess fun at Simms' spleen with co-workers, I even laughed so hard I fell out of my chair (at work, of course) over the Sacrilegious YMCA Jebus Portrait photo.

KSK has never done more to further Justice and righteousness than this post today, I salute you CC.

But seriously, 102 yds and the Meast? That's like calling T.O. Talented. Or saying Peter King knows the difference between his asshole and his elbow. Bitch Please. I demand a recount.

Matt said...

Almost forgot, UM's mom could rush 102 yards on the Redskins.

The Pirate Sloth said...

This post is going to single handedly change my life.

I'm going to the gym.

(sooner or later)

Christmas Ape said...

That would be 252 total yards, matt. The 102 was just receiving. There will be no recount.

Matt said...

It would seem my eyes have hoodwinked me, yet again. We'll deal with that later. However my point remains, anyone can work over miracles on the skins, TO and PK are bitches and this post is excellent.

Christmas Ape said...

Having no disposable income for another gym membership, I use the small gym in my condo complex. I hate treadmills with a passion, but during the winter it's too dark to run outside when I get off work so I have to make do. During the week, I try to time my run around the hour of Simpsons reruns, but every day I show up and both TVs are tuned to the local news or E! I work for a newspaper, the last thing I want to watch when I get home is the fucking news, especially the shitty network local news. You probably don't think there should be TVs in the gym in the first place, but if there are, they should definitely be required to be tuned to The Simpsons or some sporting event.

Bulger in My Pants said...

I work for a newspaper, the last thing I want to watch when I get home is the fucking news, especially the shitty network local news.

Agreed. Gordon Peterson on my television makes me want to run a few miles - into on coming traffic. Not so good for the getting in shape.

Awful Chief said...

The stereo system should be primitive and play only pre-Black Album Metallica.
Read this sentence while listening to "Hit the Lights".

wish1412 said...

Wow, I'm going to print that out and post it at my gym tonight.

Unsilent Majority said...

Gordon Peterson is a beautiful man! But I once saw Jim Vance (all 70+ years of him) rocking a dew rag.

Fat people don't belong at the gym, that's why god invented shame.

Unsilent Majority said...

Oh and Matt, myself, Sean Taylor, and the rest of the Redskins D are going to run a train on your mother.

Awful Chief said...

When does Easterns Motors training camp begin?

The Pirate Sloth said...

White men aren't allowed to run trains on anyone.

Matt said...

After allowing 1,936 Rushing yards thus far, UM, I dont think the skins D is running shit. Perhaps running scared. Momma T says fuck yo couch!

Unsilent Majority said...

We're so good

Bulger in My Pants said...

Jim Vance (all 70+ years of him) rocking a dew rag.

Please tell me you have a picture.

$klimp$ said...

No post on Mike Rumph getting, shall we say, Rumphed by the Skins?

BoSox Siobhan said...

I saw Tom Sherwood at my local bar last week. Sadly, he was sober.

Christmas Ape said...

And he wasn't 12.

Klimp: Patience, sir. Something is in the works.

Becky said...

This is why I work out (and I use the phrase loosely) at home.

Unsilent Majority said...

need a spot?

BoSox Siobhan said...

UM - Happily, his son, though of age, looks remarkable young. I might have a crush.

grungedave said...

Matt thinks Steven Jackson is not measty?

Hmmm, 37+ points in week 16 (i.e. FFL Championship week) seems to be undisputedly measty. Who gives a fuck who he piled up the points against?

Matt's mom may end up being the next Mary Beth after UM uploads his post-train pics tomorrow.

Unsilent Majority said...

Tom Sherwood has a son? I thought he was gay...

Bulger in My Pants said...

Gay people have sperm too. Sometimes in more than one place.

R said...

you left out an important, yet terrifying aspect of any gym visit - the trip to the locker room. after a workout, you've gotta head to the locker room to wash off the film of buttery sweat goop left by many a fatass or meathead on the handles of machines and exercise bikes. i'll say nine times out of 10, when i go to wash my hands, i'll find a lumpy old dude at the sink next to me who's decided that the proper way to brush his teeth, is to be completely naked with his flaccid anteater-like, pruned dork draped on the counter.

mistermeastyspleen said...

food blisters...that's fucking great.

Captain Caveman said...

You make a valid point, R. Old men walking around naked in the gym locker room deserve their own inner circle of hell.

Bouj said...

I'm telling you, the worst is when some dipshit broad decides to take it upon herself to change the TV off of a sporting event in favor of a fucking game show. Wheel of Fortune over anything on ESPN or FSN?! That's why I have a universal remote with me to correct the wrongs.

R said...

a subset of the "naked old men" category would be the "let me bend over and look for something in my gym bag naked so everyone who walks in the locker room gets a good shot of my third eye and bulbous prostate".

isn't there a separate wing of the gym that they could convert into some sort of geriatric dong show/cocoon-inspired bath house, so all those old farts could just nude it up amongst themselves?

i just want to wash my fucking hands for fucks sake.

The Angry Rant said...

I'll never understand why people who live in SoCal use treadmills at the gym. Eye Candy is plentiful wherever you go here; and with current fashion trends being what they are, you don't need a gym membership to see some sh!t.

Oh and thanks to the Redskins for allowing StL to linger on life support. Watching this Lambs team is like dating Crazy Betsy - a no-hope for happiness relationship you should run away from but you just can't pull the trigger. And the sex isn't even that good.

Hollywood Wags said...

I once lifted in the basement of a health club in Waynesburg PA. There was blue shag carpet everywhere and a stench.

Put 25lbs of muscle on that semester.

It was great. Not a fuckin TV monitor in sight, I can't stand the douches who, after you put the Y bar on the tri-machine and adjust the weight then go to a pre-exhaust, come over, put another bar on it and stand there watching TV like a candy ass.

They should have a power-rack dropped on them.

Jim Tischer's "How Much Ya Bench" is on, gotta run.

dusty said...

I have had to threaten a women with bodily harm at the gym for putting on a fucking soap opera. I said look bitch, go home and jump around if you wanna watch this shit. The men applauded, she just glared.

This post is HOF material CC.

8hrdrive said...

No mention of an anabolic steroid vending machine?
No steroids...no workout for me.
It's not worth even trying without them.

swing4 said...

What is this gym you speak of?

JoeyJoJoJr Shabadoo said...

I once made the mistake of going to the NYSC in Chelsea. Sure, in retrospect, it was kinda odd that a bunch of dudes were milling around in the shower area but not actually showering. It all made sense, however, when I opened the door to the sauna and saw a guy blowing another guy amongst a packed sauna. I don't have a punchline for this. I just want to share my scar.

Unsilent Majority said...

Joeyjojo- Was it Salman Rushdie?

WeJamEcono said...

I catch up on reading the Economist while I'm riding the bike at the college gym. It allows me to slyly watch the college volleyball team do their stretching exercises. No tv, bad classic rock radio, and a few old dudes. the young guys never come over to work out till later in the day when it's a social gathering. Fuck that, I need to do my work, get back to my job, and ogle as many college aged hotties as I can. I never talk to the girls at the gym, but outside the gym, they all chat with me, as I'm safe I figure.

They just don't know about all my restraining orders.

Signal to Noise said...

In my gym, the treadmills are lined up behind the exercise bikes and a series of aerobic machines -- I live in a university town, thus, it is easy to see rich college brat ass whenever I go.

I live five minutes from said gym -- this allows me to go straight home to shower, because some gyms have absolutely worthless showers, and it doesn't help that one day I heard someone jackin' it while in one of them.

flubby said...

I work for a newspaper, the last thing I want to watch when I get home is the fucking news


That reminds me Ape, you throw my paper in the bushes one more time and I am canceling my subscription.

burma jones said...

No Pushups. No Fucking Pushups, Asshole. If you want to do pushups, stay home, or join the military. If you're doing push ups, in a room full of benches and cable machines, you deserve to be vigorously scrubbed head to toe with rough, shit covered paper, because you are an asshole.