Tuesday, December 12, 2006

KSK's Holiday Gift Guide

We have Christmas fever here at KSK (at least I hope it's Christmas fever, otherwise another trip to the Men's Free Clinic may be in order). The commercial landscape is awash with officially-licensed NFL miscellanea. So before you waste your hard-earned on inferior crap, be sure to read KSK's Holiday Gift Guide.

Tony Romo's ascendancy has Cowboys fans talking playoffs and beyond once again, and we all know how overbearing Dallas fans can be. Chances are, you know at least one Cowboy fan who, needs a little humility these days. Well look no further:

Behold how this handsome conversation piece functions as both a precision chronograph and lasting reminder of the heady days when the Rushmoresque troika of Testaverde, Keyshawn and Eddie George served as the cogs of the Dallas Football Machine. (A similar Jeremy Shockey clock is available for all the Giants fans on your shopping list. Caveat emptor, however, the Shockey Clockey would not make a good gift for Mr. Shockey himself since, you know, it's not digital and someone would have to tell time for him.)

Bad news, Texans fans, you can still see the game with these on.

Fellas, you've been in this situation. You've taken a lady out for a fancy dinner, copiously followed UM's pedantic wine protocol, and she has ordered the surf and turf. The only thing standing between you and sealing the deal at her place is paying your tab and getting out of the restaurant. Yet, even this routine task is fraught with peril. If you pull out some generic pleather billfold or some goofy money clip you received for a middle-school graduation present eons ago, she may decide that maybe you aren't really worthy of her womanly charms. Don't let this happen to you. With this nylon Detroit Lions wallet, you can reach for that check with confidence. Once she catches sight of this measty wallet, you will be scant moments away from hittin' it .

[Note: looks like MJD and I have similar tastes in haberdashery, not to mention tastes in punchlines involving Matt Millen. I don't know if that is good for me or bad for MJD.]

Our distaff commenters all strongly agree: Instant. Panty. Remover.

Time was only cool guys like GI Joe, Evel Knievel and Han Solo got their own action figures. Now thanks to uber-nerd Todd McFarlane, just about any fringe pop culture luminary can get their own fully-poseable collectible which will be snapped up by thousands of fanboy losers devotees. For instance, what Jets fan wouldn't step on their own mother's throat for a chance to get their grubby paws on one of these Eric Mangini action figures:
Eric sez: "This sweater really compliments my svelte, porcine figure."

So there you have it, football gifts guaranteed to please. Just don't buy me any of this crap. flubby just needs bourbon for Christmas.

Note: Don't let this merriment and jocularity detract you from the real reason for the holidays:

Remember, the need for cheap laughs knows no season.
Photo from Howl @ the Moon


Unsilent Majority said...

If only they had a friendly place where everybody could stay and just have a good time back when Mary and Joseph were looking a hotel room.

TroubleHelix said...

Show me a man who owns that wallet, and any woman, including me, would gladly do him.
mmmm... nylon

Rob I said...

The Jews crucified Our Lord on Easter; Christmas is when they cut off His Foreskin.

The Angry Rant said...

Rich Kotite is not amused by Mangini hijacking his action figure.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I have a Han Solo action figure!

Big Jim Slade said...


Chamomiles Davis said...

It's the New Coach Andy Reid doll, now with "Press Conference" Action!

Does he talk? Why, just press the button and see for yourself:

"(Clears throat)... uhhhh, injuries... (cough)... I take responsibility for the players not being ready... (phlegmy cough)... Time's yours..."

LButler36 said...

I used to have the Packers version of that wallet when I was 5.

Mr. Cheuvront said...

priceless guys, priceless...you have inspired me to find some christmas gems of my own.

swing on by sometime:


Signal to Noise said...

Also available in Chamomiles' series of Talking Coaches:

Denny Green -- pull his string and he says such charming phrases like: "IF YOU WANT TO CROWN 'EM, THEN CROWN THEIR ASS!"

Bill Parcells - this model issues a string of insults about his quarterback and does not refer to a certain notorious wide receiver by name. Comes with manssiere.

The Last Unitard said...

Mike Tice - "Dum derr dum dee doo dum errr does this pencil behind my ear make me look smart? dum dee doo."