Friday, December 22, 2006

Two-and-a-Half Shopping Days Until You Have To Put Up With Your Cranky-A55ed Grandparents (Why did the set I actually LIKED have to die first?)

Contributor's Note: This was originally planned to be today's cheerleader post, before it was learned that Mr. Ape had facilitated that need earlier in the day. Probably a good thing, since this piece does not feature any "cheerleaders." In fact, it probably has nothing to do with football at all, so continue at your own discretion.

I suppose that Unsilent Majority would agree with me on what I'm about to elocute here, which may be the first instance, documented or otherwise, that The Semi-Semitic One and I have seen eye-to-eye on anything. Anyway, let's have it out, and let's put it in italics:

Christmas is retarded.

I can say that now, primarily because I'm over 25 and my parents no longer spoil the shit out of me, now that I have "grown up" and "[got my] sorry ass a job." It's challenging for me to pretend that I don't loathe my family, even if it's only for a few hours. This year, however, I've managed to cultivate that resentment into an awesome Christmas shopping strategy.

  1. Gift Cards
  2. Gift Cards
  3. Gift Cards

What's that, you say? Gift cards aren't thoughtful? What a coincidence, neither am I. Never mind that all I'm doing is GUARANTEEING that you're getting something that you like, something you can load up in your wood-paneled PT Cruiser without a hemmorhoid flare-up. You're just pissed off that I didn't suffer in the mall for 35 hours like you did. Come to think of it, you're just pissed off at everything.

What is it about being old that makes you hate the world? Seriously. I thought about all the old people I know and made a list of stuff that they like and dislike:

How the fuck do you shop for this person?

Some of you, bless your hearts, are going to try. Good luck with that. If you still have grandparents (or anyone else) and have a desperate desire to fuck with them while making the appearance of an effort, I say go expensive.

Get them either a PS3 or a Wii.

See? You've already got it narrowed down to two choices that will be hard for anyone to turn away. But how to decide between those two? How to decide? How to decide...

That should keep your yuletide a little less gay for a while. So, while I'm busy slashing the tires on the '89 Cutlass parked in front of my parents' house, I hope you and yours are having a safe and happy holiday.


Christmas Ape said...

Stay tuned for upcoming best-seller by the PS3 girl, "My Fat Upper Pussy Areas of Expertise."

The Pirate Sloth said...

I'm totally buying a Wii - forget that I've already done my research or that I find the Wii loads of fun or that the gameplay is going to make it even more enjoyable or that I will eventually be able to download all my old school NES favorites that are sitting at my parents house and my father won't ship them to me so that I can play them on my working NES.

I'm buying a Wii simply because of that "ad".

diesel said...

It's a bit late in the game to be making these kinds of choices, don't you think? Especially for Grandma. How does one choose?

Nanna fighting ninjas with the Wii nunchaku control


Nanna in a NASCAR simulation game, driving at up to 200mph, complete with USB connected steering wheel, gear shift, and pedals.

Either way, I believe hilarity ensues. I'm not seeing a wrong choice from a personal amusement perspective here.

Decisions such as these are not to be made lightly. If I were up to creating a separate 'poll thread' I might.

But guess what?

I'm not getting paid. So do it yourself, self ass thumbers. Exalt me enough, and I might vote.

Merry Christmas,

peytonloveskenny said...

Go Nintendo!

twoeightnine said...

I can see grandma playing a Nascar game right now, doing 40mph with her right turn-signal on the whole time.

Mike said...

Wii needs implants. STAT!

swing4 said...

289 has clearly lived in South Florida before.

joejoejoe said...

From now on I'm going to laugh out loud every time I hear the words 'Korean Conflict'. That is one funny chart.

Landru said...

She? Is going to make the Wii come faster.

SkippyMom said...

"....Cranky-A55ed Grandparents (Why did the set I actually LIKED have to die first?)"

The beer coming out of my nose hurt - and I blame you.

that is some funny shit.


but goddamn funny.