Roughing the Passer: The Next Perverse Sex Act on Urban Dictionary that No One Will Ever Actually Do
NFL fans may have noticed a growing trend in the game: supposedly preposterous "roughing the passer" calls. The truth is that the league put some new rules into effect this past offseason, and the referees are merely following the new guidelines, known henceforth as the "Dwyane Wade" rules. Below, an in-depth look at what we already knew to be illegal, along with the changes.
- Late hits.
- Helmet to helmet hits.
- Picking up a quarterback up and driving him into the ground.
- Hitting a quarterback in the helmet.
- Hitting a quarterback below the waist.
- Hitting a quarterback at all.
- Running at a quarterback in such a manner that may frighten him to throw a bad pass.
- Breathing on a quarterback within five yards of either sideline.
- Failing to yield to a quarterback at an intersection.
- Not being attracted to Tom Brady.
- Damaging a quarterback's spleen beyond repair (AKA the Simms Corollary).
- Making sweet, sweet love to a quarterback, then not offering a reacharound (AKA the Simms Corollary 1A).
- Shaking the quarterback's hand too hard before the game.
- Holding a door open for him.
- Suggesting Brett Favre should retire.
- Taking the quarterback out for a nice seafood dinner, then never calling him again.
- Somersaulting into quarterbacks' knees.
- Hoping the quarterback falls down on his own accord.
Note: not helping the quarterback up if he does fall down on his own accord results in a rouging the passer penalty.