Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The 12 Nights of Christmas Licks Balls, KSK Fixes It

The Twelve Days of Christmas isn't just an a stupid fucking song; it's also a list of presents so shitty that I wouldn't even consider bestowing them upon the sex slave locked in my basement, let alone a loved one. Seriously, if somebody got me a partridge in a pear tree I'd fucking kill the bitch. The rest of the list isn't much better; turtle doves, french horns, and lords a-leaping...even Kordell Stewart and Michael Westbrook think that wedding would be a bit too gay.

Aside from the nine ladies dancing and possibly the eight maids a-milking (if it is what I think it is) the list is filled with more useless crap than your average broadcast of Around the Horn. Needless to say I've taken it upon myself to rectify this debacle by coming up with twelve presents that us as degenerate football players can truly appreciate. Below I've listed the first six (of an eventual twelve) different gifts as well as their intended giver and receiver.

To: Eli Manning
From: Cooper Manning

A Job Offer- If Cooper weren't all fucked up in the spine he could have been a really shitty football player. Not only is he a Manning but he was also a wide receiver who ran a 4.7 40. Despite these setbacks he will probably go down in history as the world's most successful Manning. The least he could do is give Eli a boost into the world of energy commodities, this NFL thing just isn't working out. Hell, Peyton is a good football player and even he can't win win shit.


To: Terrell Owens
From: DeAngelo Hall Drew Bledsoe KSK Everyone on Earth not named Romo

A refill on the Vicodin script- Do me a favor and put down whatever you're doing...don't worry, that Fistin' Fellons website isn't going anywhere. Now close your eyes and picture a world without the cocksuckery of one Terrell Eldorado Owens...so, you jackin' it yet, because I know I am.


To: Joe Namath
From: Bonnie Bernstein and KSK

A flask, a cameraman, and a bare-assed Bonnie Berstein (the dreaded "Reverse Shiksappeal")- The members of this site were so enamored with Namath's brilliant woo job onSuzy Kolber that we dedicated our lives to covering events of such magnitude throughout the NFL. Sadly nothing can ever live up to that piece of drunken sex begging, unless he does it again!

To: Hollis Thomas, Shawne Merriman, Odell Thurman, Ricky Williams
From: Huey Lewis via unemployed scientists

A new drug- All four of these guys have been suspended within the past year for violating the league's biggest buzzkill, the Substance Abuse Policy. It's about time we got some new drugs out of the science community. Yeah a lot of guys are working to develop steroids and other performance enhancers that can beat the test, but would it kill them to develop some fun shit? How much more fun would the NFL be if half of the Ravens defense was doing a little pre-game elephant flipping? A lot more!

To: Roger Goodell and Underlings
From: Football fans everywhere

An elbow of chronic- This league would be infinitely more entertaining if the suits would just loosen the fuck up every now and then. That's why I've decided to forgo their earned present (coal) and give them a present that benefits everyone. If Goodell and co. could just pass a blunt around the room maybe they'd let some shit go. Take for example the shoes Chad Johnson was sporting during warmups (before Merton "the Neck Traitor" Hanks fined him), those weren't hurting anybody but they were the hottest shit on the field. Why the fuck does the NFL have such a problem with free expression? Because they don't have the chronic of course!

To: Unsilent Majority
From: San Diego Chargers

The hook up- First Terrence Kiel gets busted for the lean and now some unnamed entrepreneur(s) has been trafficking knockoff shoes? I need to get in on this shit, I may be a sneakerhead but that doesn't mean I'm above wearing some fakes. My dream is to be ghetto fab, what I need is a bottle of purple drank and some fake Dunks. That's livin' large.


Check back at a later date for Part 2.

31 comments:

The Last Unitard said...

This just in: Ricky Williams arrested for first degree murder. Turns out he smoked the entire weed bikini girl.

Unsilent Majority said...

it was totally worth it

Sofa King said...

Bernstien is legit. I would totally embarass myself on national t.v. for her.

flubby said...

Just give me a little for my cataracts.

The Last Unitard said...

We've got a statement from Ricky:

"I just smoke muthafuckas like it ain't no thang."

Wes said...

"The Twelve Days of Christmas isn't just an stupid fucking song"

That was, however, a stupid fucking misuse of the word "an."

Basshole said...

You lied! Fistin' Fellons is gone now.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I'd hit it.

The Last Unitard said...

Bonnie can lick my Caballs.

Unsilent Majority said...

wes- way to see the big picture.

Signal to Noise said...

I'd like Bonnie for eight crazy nights.

Unsilent Majority said...

what is wrong with you people? there's a sexy girl wearing a weed bikini and all you care about is bb!

The Pirate Sloth said...

I said I'd hit it! Do you want me to draw you a picture of me hittin that bikini? Because it wouldn't be a very appealing picture. I mean she's hot, but in no way would any of you want to see me naked...unless I got a comic book artist to draw me, then I'd look good.

Unsilent Majority said...

she is my muse

Captain Caveman said...

Looks like Bernstein and the weed girl are taken. I'm not sure if it's possible to have sex with that ceramic figure... but I'm willing to try.

The Last Unitard said...

I gave up boning headless chicks for lent.

highonLowe said...

I'll take Bonnie, drinking purple lean, wearing the weed bikini, while she's milking-a-maid, in the conservatory with a candlestick.

highonLowe said...

I'll take Bonnie, drinking purple lean, milking a maid, while wearing the weed bikini.

Awful Chief said...

i'd like to see the weed girl in a bb'esque hat holding the mic (both made of weed) working the sideline.

The Last Unitard said...

I'd wager that bikini is pretty stemmy.

Unsilent Majority said...

yeah, and i'd like to spread my seed all over those stems

dbvader said...

I'll take posts that are not repeated and consecutive posts that are not being removed by admin.

8hrdrive said...

Bonnie "bone smuggler" Bernstein hotter that donut grease.
*daydreams of Bonnie and Suzy K. making out with their chins resting on the head of my penis*

Ahh, that's livin'.

The Last Unitard said...

As usual, I'm left scraping up the resin.

(this can be a metaphor for masturbating, sloppy seconds, or jizz mopping.. just choose your favorite!)

highonLowe said...

Considering I clicked 'publish comment' about 6 times, I consider 2 times lucky. The server just can't hang with this award-winning website

Unsilent Majority said...

highonlowe- i deleted about 9 others.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I'm so going to get in trouble for staring at the photo all afternoon at work. Thanks UM.

Signal to Noise said...

UM - totally would burn the weed bikini down, and would then rumph the wearer. It would be doubly sweet if the wearer were BB or Erin Andrews.

Bob Sugar said...

You've inspired me.

http://bs-fieldhouse.blogspot.com/

Bob Sugar said...

yeah, here.

The Fieldhouse

Unsilent Majority said...

Inspired you to what, sign Cushman out from under Jerry?