The Twelve Days of Christmas isn't just
an a stupid fucking song; it's also a list of presents so shitty that I wouldn't even consider bestowing them upon the sex slave locked in my basement, let alone a loved one. Seriously, if somebody got me a partridge in a pear tree I'd fucking kill the bitch. The rest of the list isn't much better; turtle doves, french horns, and lords a-leaping...even Kordell Stewart and Michael Westbrook think that wedding would be a bit too gay.
Aside from the nine ladies dancing and possibly the eight maids a-milking (if it is what I think it is) the list is filled with more useless crap than your average broadcast of Around the Horn. Needless to say I've taken it upon myself to rectify this debacle by coming up with twelve presents that us as degenerate football players can truly appreciate. Below I've listed the first six (of an eventual twelve) different gifts as well as their intended giver and receiver.
To: Eli Manning
From: Cooper Manning
A Job Offer- If Cooper weren't all fucked up in the spine he could have been a really shitty football player. Not only is he a Manning but he was also a wide receiver who ran a 4.7 40. Despite these setbacks he will probably go down in history as the world's most successful Manning. The least he could do is give Eli a boost into the world of energy commodities, this NFL thing just isn't working out. Hell, Peyton is a good football player and even he can't win win shit.
To: Terrell Owens
DeAngelo Hall Drew Bledsoe KSK Everyone on Earth not named Romo
A refill on the Vicodin script- Do me a favor and put down whatever you're doing...don't worry, that Fistin' Fellons website isn't going anywhere. Now close your eyes and picture a world without the cocksuckery of one Terrell Eldorado Owens...so, you jackin' it yet, because I know I am.
To: Joe Namath
From: Bonnie Bernstein and KSK
A flask, a cameraman, and a bare-assed Bonnie Berstein (the dreaded "Reverse Shiksappeal")- The members of this site were so enamored with Namath's brilliant woo job onSuzy Kolber that we dedicated our lives to covering events of such magnitude throughout the NFL. Sadly nothing can ever live up to that piece of drunken sex begging, unless he does it again!
To: Hollis Thomas, Shawne Merriman, Odell Thurman, Ricky Williams
From: Huey Lewis via unemployed scientists
A new drug- All four of these guys have been suspended within the past year for violating the league's biggest buzzkill, the Substance Abuse Policy. It's about time we got some new drugs out of the science community. Yeah a lot of guys are working to develop steroids and other performance enhancers that can beat the test, but would it kill them to develop some fun shit? How much more fun would the NFL be if half of the Ravens defense was doing a little pre-game elephant flipping? A lot more!
To: Roger Goodell and Underlings
From: Football fans everywhere
An elbow of chronic- This league would be infinitely more entertaining if the suits would just loosen the fuck up every now and then. That's why I've decided to forgo their earned present (coal) and give them a present that benefits everyone. If Goodell and co. could just pass a blunt around the room maybe they'd let some shit go. Take for example the shoes Chad Johnson was sporting during warmups (before Merton "the
Neck Traitor" Hanks fined him), those weren't hurting anybody but they were the hottest shit on the field. Why the fuck does the NFL have such a problem with free expression? Because they don't have the chronic of course!
To: Unsilent Majority
From: San Diego Chargers
The hook up- First Terrence Kiel gets busted for the lean and now some unnamed entrepreneur(s) has been trafficking knockoff shoes? I need to get in on this shit, I may be a sneakerhead but that doesn't mean I'm above wearing some fakes. My dream is to be ghetto fab, what I need is a bottle of purple drank and some fake Dunks. That's livin' large.
Check back at a later date for Part 2.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
The Twelve Days of Christmas isn't just