Monday, December 18, 2006

Zip Codes? They Mean Nothing. The First Ever KSK Reader Mail Bukkake


I went to a holiday party this weekend. I told two people I won a blogging award. I may was well have whipped out a Starfleet Academy student ID. This award blows. A Cable Ace award has more cachet. I need to a better award, like Girthiest Schlong, or Best Hair (Seriously, my hair is gorgeous. Thick. Full. Lustrous. Men and women alike swoon over it.).

Now, there are two ways to do a mailbag. You can either post the question and then answer it, or you can do what Dr. Z does and simply write the answers, leaving every other reader utterly baffled as to what the question was.

To John in Lexington, you know what? You're right. It was a fly pattern. And thanks for the Barolo.

Wait, what?

I think we'll do it the first way. Let's cream this cracker. Some emails were cut down a bit, but otherwise most are posted as written, even including your spelling and grammar mistakes. Let it be your mark of shame.

Dear Dr. Drew - I am a Vikings fan, like yourself, and wonder what your thoughts are on the total suckness that is Brad Johnson of late. Do you happen to think that he’s intentionally throwing games because he's paid about as much as Mike Epps these days and is trying to make a point? Or does he truly suck, and is not worth bringing back next year? Statistically Brad Johnson's year is an anomaly, which is why I believe he's throwing games. Your thoughts?

Thanks,
Josh Benesh , MN


Well Josh, the clitoris is located just above the entry point of... oh, I'm sorry. It said Dr. Drew, so I put on my "sensible sex therapist" hat for just a moment. If Brad Johnson threw a game, it would only go 3 yards. Is he worth bringing back next year? Uh, no. I'd rather have Mike Buck. T-Jack looked good against the Jets. Anyone would in relief of Oldie McNoodlearm.

Pac or B.I.G.?, or any other rap artist you deem the best at his/her craft and don't tell me you'd rather stick a fork in your eye than listen to rap. Oh yeah, would you let Nate Newton solely deliver what's obviously going to be a surplus of fan-mail for BDD? He might be interested.

-Sean, Dallas, Texas


You're asking me a hip hop question? Has my complete and utter whiteness not been made perfectly obvious? I like hip hop, but like rock, you have to wade through an awful lot of shit to find something good. Anyway, my two favorite hip hop artists are A Tribe Called Quest and The Pharcyde, which is the answer all 30-year-old white people give. But damn if "Electric Relaxation" doesn't make me want to dry hump anything within a 10-yard radius (daughter excluded). And, so no one calls me a copout, I'll take Tupac. But both are excellent drinking music.

Oh, and I got 24 emails. Sean Landeta could deliver this mailbag.

what up drew,
what do you think the chances are that vince young will be the first quarterback (to my knowledge) to undergo tommy john surgery?

Dave, Iowa


Good point. But when you're Vince Young, you can pull off throwing like a girl. He could play in a tutu and still be a badass. But wait, Dave has more:

oh a side note, about rex grossman. I've heard an inordinate ammount of stories about the "sex cannon's" past drug use, prior to entering the nfl. I've no idea how true any of them are, but it makes you wonder. this would include:
-Smoking up before each of his high school fb games. not a huge deal really.
-But then there's the nickname "Rexstacy" from his Florida days.
-Then there's a buddy of mine who moved out to LA for a few years. He bounced around, and was kinda being a bum. Anyhow, he met a kid who went to Florida. The kid from Florida claimed that his roomate used to sell Grossman coke.

Now, I don't know how true any of this is, at all, but to misuse the classic Terrell Owens quote, "if it looks like a rat, and it smells like a rat, by golly it's rat."


Rexstacy is a damn near perfect nickname. I can hear him throwing a TD and screaming, "Oh, I'm in the throes of rexstacy, sluts!" As for the coke, I think that's obvious from his play on the field.

Whats up with your unnatural obsession with bukkake?

PS: spell check for bukkake comes up Hanukkah
-lbutler


Well, when I was a kid, I accidentally fell into this sand pit someone had dug at the beach. I screamed for help, but the only people that came were a group of drunken lifeguards. And, instead of helping me, they...

I think I've said too much. Let's move on.

So, how much cocaine does Chris Berman go through in a given day?

-A.I.


Not as much as Rexstacy. Weren't you supposed to be traded by now?

What happened to Footsteps Falco?
dale, San Fran. CA


Falco is regarded by many as the quiet genius of our group. You don't know this, but Falco volunteered early on to drop 65 tabs of LSD a day and email us with whatever was currently going on in his mind. Here's an excerpt:

"riverrun, past adam and eve's, and HOLY FUCK A CHIMERA! AGGGGGHHHH THE FIRE! THE FIRE STINGS MY GUMS!!!! HE FEASTS UPON MY INSIDES! No, no, no, mother! Don't come at me with that paring knife! Little Billy was only eight! Who took my Dunkaroos? Whoever took my Dunkaroos, there will be hell to pay!!!! I like paint. Why are the walls all flapping?!"

Clearly, he's our Syd Barrett.

Can you name the last time you witnessed something so sad as a second year, 6th round QB getting his first chance to start on national television only to have his teammates railroad him like a rented stripper at a 90's Cowboys late night? Derek Anderson did just about everything he could to win, but between the miriad of dropped passes, the complete impotence of the running game, and the general construction crew work ethic (and talent level) of the defensive line the Cleveland Browns got raped on pseudo-national television. Neat-o gang!

-Dan, Cleveland


Don't hold back, Dan. Tell me exactly how you feel. The tragedy of the Browns is just how untalented they are. Even Oakland and Arizona fall ass backwards into a good player now and then. There are two talented players on the Browns: Winslow and Braylon. And they are both Class A buttfucks.

How many sportscasters will miss the unintentional comedy of Mississippi State having a football recruit named Mike Hunt?

-Lou Pickney


Unintentional comedy? Sorry, we only traffic in intentional comedy here, since we know how to write actual jokes, instead of pointing out things we think are funny.

I actually managed to get the signature Mike Hunt into my senior class' yearbook (the one they put in the school library). However, the other joke name I wrote, Heywouldyouliketo Suckmyhairycock, was too clever by half.

Great blog, but there's just one thing, KSK: Do you have to use so many cuss words?
-Brad K.


What the fuck you talking about?

Drew,

Which hype ridden college quarterback do you think Al Davis is most likely to ruin the career of through the simple act of drafting him Troy Smith, Brady Quinn, or someone else entirely? Or will the Raiders completely ignore the QB issue and make the brilliant move of drafting another offensive lineman? Because surely the only issue with Aaron Brooks is the lack of protection, I mean seriously that guy is a new right guard away from MVP quality numbers right?

Thank You,
Warren Niffenegger


Warren, your last name is totally racist. The Raiders will draft Brady Quinn. And he'll suck. But, I assure you, it won't be because he was "ruined".

Would it be ok to root for my team (the Rams) to lose with the hope that the losing would lead to more winning? Your thoughts would be most likely uneducated, but somewhat appreciated.

Yours in sports addiction and wasting time on the Internets,
Brad_Lee from St. Louis


No, it's not all right. Rooting against your team never works and makes you feel like an ass. So don't do it. Unless you have money against them. Or a fantasy player playing against them. Or... eh, what the fuck do I care? It's the Rams. Send death threats to the front office, for all I care. It's not like they haven't done likewise.

Why is the media so unwilling to give Parcells credit for being the first lesbian head football coach in the National Football League?
Thanks. I'll hang up and listen.
Bad Barbecue


You're right. The pleated khaki shorts seal it. Parcells sucks pussy! All he needs now is a Cavalier King Charles that looks like him.

You're a raving anti-dentite!! Next you'll be saying is they should have their own schools.

Kevin


But they do have their own schools!

Hey Drew
As a fellow Vikings fan, would it be safe to mail the rest of the season in and start looking back at the glory days of our favorite team?

MN Dudeman


Why don't you just cheer for the fucking Rams, assfuck?

Who is your least favorite player in the NFL and why?

Up until last year I hated, hated Jerome Bettis. The way he would shake his head and basically jogged in place after making a 3 yard run would make me sick, but at least he was a good bowler.

Mike from Minneapolis


Besides Favre? Warren Sapp. He'll go the Hall of Fame one day and Jon Randle won't. All because he's nice to the media. Fuck him. Fucking fuckface fuckstick donkeyfuck. Fuck.

And Jeremy Shockey. Who the fuck likes Jeremy Shockey? He's the K-Fed of football. I hope he gets run over by a bike messenger.

Hypothetical: you get into a bar fight that spills into an alley. its you vs. about 5 big dudes, but you can pick one active NFL player to have your back. who are your top 5 choices? I guess, in essence, who are the 5 meastliest dudes out there in your opinion.

Mine:
1. Joey Porter- you know if guns come out he could take a bullet.
2. Gigantosaur- 'roid rage knows no pain.
3. Olin Kreutz- Broke Fred (6'7", 315 lb.) Miller's jaw at a FBI shooting range. That's a quality W if there ever was one.
4. Albert "no mercy" Haynesworth
5. Jamal Lewis- When everythings said and done, you can't discount experience.

yeah, I know I went obvious, but thats why you write blogs, and I sit in a cubicle and read them. Also, I think Ray Lewis lost a step, the snub was intentional.

-Sean F. (Astoria)


I go with Jeff Garcia, because he'd be attacked first. Which gives me time to run.

Dear Big Daddy Drew,

Please compare and contrast Wayne Fontes and The Heat Miser.

Yours In Fucking Off At Work,

J.T.


Wasn't Wayne Fontes generally regarded as a very nice man? Al Davis is a much better candidate to play the Villainous Jew Heat Miser, or the Other Villainous Jew Grinch.

Hey Drew,
What's the opposite of Measty?
-Steve Palefsky


Rumphy. But really, since Meast is defined here as half-meat, half-moist, you'd have to pick something dry and non-meaty. Nicole Ritchie's vagina, for instance. Guhhhhhh...

Hey BDD,

Just finished watching the 1130pm news here in the Whale's Vagina. The overly giddy sports dork casually mentioned that the Chargers press release for tomorrow's game is 35 pages, but the Broncos packet is 172 pages. For a game 14 weeks into the season, what in God's name would the Broncos need 172 pages to cover effectively? An in-depth breakdown of the strengths and weaknesses of each Charger Girl? What do you think this report contains? I need some edumacated insight here.
-The Angry Rant


Page 1 - Pass plays for Jay Cutler
Pages 2-171 - Chop blocking techniques
Page 172 - Instructions for handing Coach Shanahan. Instruction #1: Please turn Coach over in tanning bed once every hour or until crisp. Instruction #2: Please do not mention child-scaring overbite.

Please don't ever stop posting, my days in the office would become too much to handle.

Seriously, I've guessed the authors of the last 10 articles on KSK just by reading the article title on my RSS feeder, at what point does this streak become scary?

-Brandon


By the title alone is pretty impressive. Actually, it's not that hard to do it by content. You can usually guess the KSK author by the following criteria:

Drew: Mentions masturbation
CC: Mentions fighting in Iraq. Then mentions it again.
UM: Mentions Jewyness
Punter: Links to donkey porn
Flubby: Mentions hatred of you and the team you root for
Ape: Mentions... Christ, do we have to mention that fucking team again?
Falco: Mentions nothing.

There's your mailbag. If you thought the KSK mailbag was stupid, say so in the comments and we'll get rid of it. If you like it, send new questions to drsteuss1@yahoo.com or kissingsuzykolber@gmail.com. Be sure to include a link if you want us to link to your non-award-winning blog.

23 comments:

Wickedmick said...

Mailbag is great. Just like the rest of the postings you guys put up. Keep up the good work.

Mike said...

Let's move on.???

Tsk, tsk, Drew. Is that unintentional comedy? An unintentional insult? An unconscious reach-around?

You forget to unintentionally mention "J-Bug," "Jimmy Kimmel," and your own "Football Jesus," Tommy Kramer.

You're meastier than this!

Seriouly though, funny shit. Keep it up, man.

Unsilent Majority said...

I'm not sure how Drew ended up answering the Pac/Big question (that at some point everybody must address regardless of the topic of their blog).

Oh and I also use quotes from poets/philosophers/talib kweli in my headlines as well.

We're not supposed to say Niffenegger any more...it's now Niffenkramer.

Matt said...

Any mailbag that mentions Nicole Ritchie's vagina is aces in my book.

Matt said...

Any mailbag that mentions Nicole Ritchie's vagina is aces in my book.

Matt said...

Any mailbag that mentions Nicole Ritchie's vagina is aces in my book.

Unsilent Majority said...

matt also really enjoys tuna fish.

Captain Caveman said...

Tsk, tsk, Drew. Is that unintentional comedy? An unintentional insult? An unconscious reach-around?

Drew, you also used the word "the" several times in this mailbag. Everyone knows that Simmons popularized that word.

SRF said...

Dear Strongbad~
How do you type with Boxin...

DELETED

Monday Morning Punter said...

2Pac.

Mike said...

you also used the word "the" several times in this mailbag. Everyone knows that Simmons popularized that word.

Actually, CC, Simmons plagiarized me on that one. It's a little known fact, but I invented the word, "the." Before me, most people were stuck using the more ponderous "theremonius."

Just send me a check every time you use it, and we're cool.

flubby said...

blunts and broads, tits and bras, menage-a-tois, sex in expensive cars


Biggie. Definitely Biggie.

becky said...

fucking dunkaroos. unendingly tempting dunkaroos...
no seriously, i just got shushed for laughing. ass.

highonLowe said...

Gotta love the player-drug/sex unsubstantiated rumors. Rexstacy is gold; the mailbag instantly proves its worth.

The only bit of information I have from my cousin, who went to Ole Miss during the Eli years. He claims Eli smokes clove cigarettes and doesn't like the taste of beer. Not really suprising I know.

Dickens Cider said...

Woa, wait a minute. A Vikings fan hates Favre???...now I truly have seen everything.

The Last Unitard said...

I have oft struggled with the 2Pac or Biggie conundrum.

Generally, I give Pac the edge because he was more responsible for his own success than Biggie.

Biggie had Puffy telling him what to do and ripping off beats for him.

But I consider them equally talented, both worlds better than most of the crap out there today.

It is clear, though, that neither of them had as much fun rapping as Bret Favre does playing football.

The Navigator said...

"I go with Jeff Garcia, because he'd be attacked first. Which gives me time to run."

Quote of the Day heard leaving the Giants-Eagles game yesterday: "It's all fun and games until Jeff Garcia starts blowing someone."

dusty said...

Nicole Ritchie has a vagina? I thought it fell out by now and someone made a cute purse out of it.

Keep the mailbag.Life would be so empty without it...for some folks any way.

Unsilent Majority said...

well that's all up to you people. send us more questions.

Otto Man said...

But damn if "Electric Relaxation" doesn't make me want to dry hump anything within a 10-yard radius

The secret to that song is the rare R&B instrumental by Ronnie Foster called "Mystic Brew." Basically, everything in the song except for the vocals is taken from that.

True, the vocals are amazing -- "Let me hit it from the back, girl / I won't catch no hernia/ Bust off on your couch / Now you got Siemen's furniture" -- but the beat is the key. Do yourself a favor and track down a copy.

BigTDog said...

KSK: Do you have to use so many cuss words?

Cueing up Eazy-E's Radio now...

T.C. said...

A James Joyce reference? On KSK? My whole world is getting twisted around here...

Drizztdj said...

Its a sad day to know that John Randle won't get into Canton.