Wednesday, December 13, 2006

The KSK Guide To Making The Yuletide Even Gayer


It's The Girl's first Chirstmas of her young life, so I am doubly fucking excited for the holiday this year. As a matter of fact, it got me thinking about what's important to me this time of year. Family? No. God? Uh, no. The spirit of giving? God, fuck no. No, I'm concerned mainly with the areas of Christmas music, present-giving, eating, boozing, and watching of TV. You know, the important stuff.

As such, I follow these rules every year. Now, maybe you deviate from these in some ways. It's your right. This is America. But in my house, we follow these rules, or else I shit in Tupperware and gift wrap it to you. Don't think I won't.

Christmas presents are to be opened on Christmas fucking morning: Want to open your gifts the night before? I call bullshit on you. Opening your gifts on Christmas Eve is for the weak. You can't wait 12 hours? Pussy. Real motherfuckers show some willpower and wait the night out. Mrs. Drew's family opens gifts on Christmas Eve. I hate it. What do you get the next morning when you wake up? Jack shit. Maybe some clementines with breakfast. Where's the thrill of anticipation? I want to be surprised when I open up that Simpsons DVD I saw you buy me at the mall, god dammit.

I want a smoked turkey. I will eat any smoked food. Seriously. You could smoke a pig's dick and I'd eat it. I am a smoked food whore. Everything tastes better smoked. Especially turkey. Smoked turkey rules. It's like regular turkey. Only smoked. That is fucking flavor country, people. Just seeing one makes me wanna stick my head in the cavity Mr. Bean-style and lick the giblets.

Any singing of "The First Noel" will include a reference to the old Mickey's Knights of Columbus SNL skit Nooooooooo-el noel noel noel... uh... noel noel noel noel.

No bullshit Christmas songs. Every year, hundreds of asshole songwriters try and write new Christmas songs to go in the canon with the rest of the classics. All of these songs are shit. If the DJ ever says the next song coming up is called, "Christmas Magic", or "The Wonder of Christmas", or "Santa's Glory Hole", click. That is not Christmas music. That is Christmas ass.

No "Silver Bells". I fucking hate this song. Let's move on.

Or "Merry Happy Christmas" by John Lennon. I fucking hate this song, too. Hey Lennon, I didn't ask for liberal guilt for Christmas. Eat me. And that McCartney song also licks balls.

That reminds me. About three years ago, we were all at my folks house for Christmas. Christmas morning, my dad decides to wake everyone in the house up at 7AM by blasting that McCartney song on his stereo system through the ENTIRE FUCKING HOUSE. He thought it would get everyone in the spirit. Which was true, except it was the spirit of patricide.

Someone else can string the fucking lights. I'm not doing it. I have a bad back.

No singing the extra verses to carols. My family goes to church once a year on Christmas Eve. And if you don't think the reverend gives us that, "I know you assholes don't buy any of this shit and are only here to sing the songs and you will burn in the fiery embers of Hell" look, you are quite mistaken. That look alone doubles my dad's annual offering. My mom says she likes church, but I think it's really so she doesn't have to cook for an hour that day. I'm onto you, Mom.

Anyway, most of my time at Christmas service involves staring at the program, determining where in the program we are, and figuring out how much of the program is left. Once you get past the homily, you are in the home stretch. I do a little fist pump after it's over. But by far the most brutal part of that service is when they make you sing the 27 extra verses of "Silent Night" and every other song. Everyone only knows one verse: the first verse. The first verse is really all you need. You get it. You don't need to do stanzas 2, 3, 5, 7, 56, and 987. It just isn't necessary.

I also dislike it when the hymn writer tries to jam two syllables into one note. Hey, Mr. Hymn Writer Guy, you don't think I notice when you're trying to cram "given" into one note on that third verse of "O Little Town of Bethlehem?" I notice, you lazy tit.

Acceptable Christmas song CD's: Sinatra, Elvis, Nat King Cole, Phil Spector, The Nutcracker, Ella Fitzgerald, Bing Crosby. If you give me a Mannheim Steamroller CD, it will end up in your digestive tract.

There's only one Scrooge: Alistair motherfuckin' Sim.: I don't even like the Albert Finney version, even if Finney was a fucking badass in Miller's Crossing ("Johnny, you're as big as I let you be and no bigger and don't forget it EVER."). When I was a kid, the Sim one was always "hosted" by some asshole standing in front of a fireplace. I want that job. That Scrooge: such a miser!

No leaving the house on Christmas Day. It's the one day of the year when the Jews have the movie theaters and ethnic restaurants to themselves. Leave them alone and let them enjoy Helen Mirren in "The Queen". They hear she's excellent.

Adeste Fideles>O Come All Ye Faithful: Get your Latin on. Semper fi, asswipe.

You must giggle any time the lyric "Make the yuletide gay" pops up: Does it ever get old? Fuck and no.

Any NFL game I manage to watch will be a 44-14 blowout: Happens every year. I find the time to watch one game, and it's 28-0 in the first five minutes. And I have no fantasy players involved. Fuck.

Those are the rules. They are ironclad. Unless Mrs. Drew tells me different. Then I just bitch about it online.

55 comments:

The Navigator said...

The John Lennon song is actually called "Happy Christmas", further proof that the song sucks.

Captain Caveman said...

Get your head out of your ass. George C. Scott owned as Scrooge.

Other than that, one of my favorite NFL posts on this NFL blog.

Whittle said...

Awesome, I'm not the only person who does a fist-pump after the homily.

Kickhisass_seabass said...

What about that nasty sweet potato cassarole with the marshmallows on top?

Not only is that shit for pussies, it does not mix with alcohol and guarantees a late evening buick on your bedspread.

killawatt said...

Bill Murray is the definitive Scrooge-figure. And don't tell me you didn't want to bang Karen Allen silly.

From the other side of town said...

Brown liquor is the recommended liquor of consumption, to be consumed copiously

killawatt said...

Also, smoked turkey is only the second best game in town. Fried turkey is how we roll down in New Orleans (with oyster dressing--cornbread is for unenlightened hicks).

flubby said...

The McCartney song is THE WORST Christmas song ever. I want to stick sharpened candy canes deep in my ear whenever that shit comes in.

"Simply having a wonderful christmastime
Simply having a wonderful christmastime
Ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding"


Close runner-up: Jose Feliciano's "Feliz Navidad." Fuck that old blind bastard for subjecting me to that wretched song lo these many years.

Christmas Ape said...

I must once again recommend the Scrooge from the Honey Nut Cheerios ad. He makes the bee fucking cry. Now that's miserly.

I've also heard rumors of people opening gifts on Christmas Eve, but never actually witnessed it. I would've gotten my ass kicked as a youngin' for such transgressions.

BigTDog said...

Killawatt:
I rolled with a fried turkey with hickory smoke flavored marinade this Thanksgiving. I don't think that'll be happening again.

highonLowe said...

Wow, this post really stiffarms me into the Christmas Spirit. I wish all of you the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye

Unsilent Majority said...

what the fuck is homily...is it like grits?

killawatt said...

UM--

Nah, I think that's what they do to milk--homilize it?

Monday Morning Punter said...

Feliz Navidad is awesome.

flubby said...

C'mon Ape, that bee is a pussy. He probably cries when someone buys Dig 'em Smacks instead of Cheerios.

fallex said...

Homily is how Jeff Garcia does everything.

Phil said...

Paul McCartney wrote some great music, but that Christmas song is one of the worst five songs ever written in any language or musical system. Aliens listening to our radio transmissions want to tear out their audio receptors when they hear it. A close second is George Michael's "Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart" which always reaffirms the straightness of my own sexual orientation when I hear it.

fallex said...

How dare you exclude the Godfather.

Also, my ticket-checker on my most recent flight's name was Jose Feliciano. I made sure he wasn't flying the plane and laughed all the way to Philadelphia.

becky said...

hey thanks for letting us have the movie theaters.
i don't know if my parents are going to be up for a 2nd viewing of "borat" though...they found it offensive for some reason. baffling.

Al said...

This post is so on the money. I couldn't agree with you more, especially on the John Lennon song.

jason said...

a group of us take over the local chinese restaurant's bar on christmas eve.

jews, spring rolls, and makers mark - it really is the most wonderful time of the year.

Draft Dodgers said...

I've added gitch to my xmas list. You just made me shit my pants.
By the way, does this mean Celine Dion's 'The Magic of Christmas' is half-measty? It was written by Dee Snider, Rock God.

Unsilent Majority said...

i'm a half-breed (don't tell anyone though) and i have to spend Christmas watching basketball at home next to some tree.

The Pirate Sloth said...

There's other sports besides football?

J.L. White said...

A Christmas tradition over at my house is some mid-morning sledding over in Snoqualmie Pass (hell, look it up). Even though you feel like a bit of a chickenshit when you see the skiers, you also feel good that you won't have to nurse a broken leg, either.

Yeah, I don't feel guilty about this pastime, because.....well, you don't see too many Jews on the slopes over here.

Big Jim Slade said...

Dodgers, you obviously haven't heard that new Twisted Sister version of "O Come All Ye Faithful". ::shudders::

Grimey said...

"Fairytale of New York" by the Pogues is the only Christmas song I tolerate (also enjoy the cover by No Use For a Name).

And the only Christmas movie that I will watch is Die Hard.

HofC said...

I want to be surprised when I open up that Simpsons DVD I saw you buy me at the mall, god dammit.


Yup - same goes for my new redskins jersey. And God help her if its Archuleta....

The Angry Rant said...

'Silver Bells' sung by Bob Hope (yes, THAT Bob Hope) in 'The Lemon Drop Kid' kicks butt - but only that version. Any other version sucks chocolate salty balls and is worthy of much ridicule.

BigRicks said...

Johnny Mathis should be added to the Christmas CD section, I'm just sayin'.

Here in the Northeast MSG used to always show a constant reel of a log burning in a fire and called it the "yule log." I was always confused why my dad wouldn't just build a fire in the fireplace right next to the TV, then I realised it's always really fucking cold on Christmas morning and going in the backyard to get logs blows big floppy donkey dick.

And I prefer little mini fist pumps after each section ofthe service ends. I try not to let anyone notice during "God be with you," but I always get caught. Fuck.

FenwayFaithful78 said...

This gentile eats Chinese on Christmas day because Mom says "it's the only goddamn day I take off all year and come hell or high water I'm not lifting one freakin' finger to cook." That's when Dad calls Dragon Lite and then proceeds to yell that he can never understand the dude on the phone.

God I can't wait- I love Christmas!

Christmas Ape said...

+1 for grimey

That song rocks, if only because the woman calls the guy a "cleap lousy faggot."

Joey Porter approves.

Shenanigans said...

christmas is great for us jews, becuase we have our yearly "how to further control the media" meeting and eat lo mein.

Bad Barbecue said...

The worst Xmas song ever is that Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree bullshit.

Hey lady, that ain't rockin'.

The Last Unitard said...

Screw you guys.

I get to go to Ohio for christmas.

What's worse is my mom (fucking terrible cook) is making christmas dinner this year instead of my Aunt Tina (fucking awesome cook).

I'm just going to have to suck it up and channel my inner Ned and get through this.

Jess said...

Adeste Fideles does indeed rule. It's the highlight of Midnight Mass, which at my hometown church is at like, 9:00 p.m.

Jesus doesn't mind if I have a buzz as long as I show up, right?

OkieRover said...

Adeste Fideles. Semper fi.
Indeed. Indeed.
Semper fi to you as well.

And Silent Night sung in French is pretty cool too. Although the French can suck my left nut.

Angelos said...

What about Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey?

LButler36 said...

Paul McCartney's song, "Wonderful Christmastime":

In Japan, there have been numerous attempts to ban the "Wonderful Christmastime" due to the song being directly attributed to 143 separate cases of suicide. In 1987, one Osaka radio station reportedly played the track back-to-back for three days straight, in the lead up to Christmas. Tokyo Police Department reported 57 fatalities during the 1986-87 period alone. A Japanese government spokesman was popularly quoted as saying that "the syncopated synthesizer appears to send people scrambling for the fish knife."

Straight from wikipedia, so it must be true!

mike said...

jewish xmas rules. I love driving on the empty streets to the chinese food palace, to be surrounded by chinese and jews. it sucks that in recent years though by the time you get to the movie theater, it's mobbed with christmas people trying to escape each other.

in fact, jewish december rules. I love not having to buy anyone anything (unless I feel like it) or go anywhere near a mall.

The Pirate Sloth said...

There's one Christmas "song" that I used to hear in my youth that I haven't heard in years...

"Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"

Instant classic, yet not the cheery kind of Christmas song that's going to make you homicidal. It also doesn't come on in EVERY SINGLE FUCKING STORE you visit during the month of December. Yet is also has a somewhat satisfying message of death and celebration that one needs during the holidays.vrti

Jawbreaker said...

Smoked turkey > all

swing4 said...

"Christmas in Hollis" owns.

Byrd said...

Two years ago, due to my flying out of town on christmas day, we opened the presents on Christmas eve for the first time in my life. Christmas day sucked, and not just because I had to fly from Atlanta back to Seattle. There was no reason to get out of bed that morning. No surprise or joy at all. Fucking stocking was all I had left.

I'm going to NYC this Christmas though, and now that JLwhite has piqued my regret for not being to take part in a snoqualmie pass sledding adventure (something i had never realized was done), i'm thinking about trying to sled somewhere. Anyone have any good places near the city? And no, I'm not going to VT. I graduated from HS there, and I don't plan on going back.

Koos said...

"It's the one day of the year when the Jews have the movie theaters and ethnic restaurants to themselves."

And the bowling alleys! Don't forget the bowling alleys! One time I got a free pair of bowling shoes and they let me bowl pretty much eight hours straight as long as I didn't ask for anything, and didn't leave the door unlocked when the lone goy employee left for a few hours to see his family for Xmas.

Now that I'm married into the Christian religion, Mrs. Koos and I celebrate the holiday with her family. It's okay, I guess. Nothing wring with more presents, true. But I miss the bowling alley, the lo mein and the annual media-conglomeration meeting.

{ k }

t-bone said...

smoked turkey = ok;
Cajun marinade-injected deep-fried turkey = hhhhuuuuuuuuhhhhhh, oh baby!

SRF said...

The worst part of Christmas is always the music. It's like a coathanger abortion for your ears.

Signal to Noise said...

grimey is right. "Fairytale in New York" should be the song played everywhere.

This year will be one of the very few where the Catholic Lite mom and I join the rest of her family in NYC for a properly done feast. In my line of work, holidays just mean double time pay, so this half-breed prefers to open the gifts, go to work, and then do the Gentile thing by ordering Mongolian beef and BBQ pork fried rice.

O Tannenbaum > O Christmas Tree, and Nat King Cole > Frank Sinatra. Not by much, but still.

MDG said...

Christmas in Washington is tops on the Fing list of worst songs ever. Give me a little Santa Baby anytime. I must say that checking the program has been a long standing tradition in my family along with the long standing tradition of standing in the back so you can sneak out whenever you want of the Midnight mass. But 3 years ago I started a new tradition when they cancelled midnight mass. I get drunk with my brother in front of the tree and watch basketball.

Charlie (Seattle) said...

I want a smoked turkey. I will eat any smoked food. Seriously. You could smoke a pig's dick and I'd eat it. I am a smoked food whore. Everything tastes better smoked. Especially turkey. Smoked turkey rules. It's like regular turkey. Only smoked. That is fucking flavor country, people. Just seeing one makes me wanna stick my head in the cavity Mr. Bean-style and lick the giblets.

That is the funniest thing I've read all day. I actually spit out a mouthfull of tea when I read it.

Bravo!

Red Line said...

I have to agree with "Fairytale of New York". I love that song, and Shane McGowan has the world's most amazing immune system. There is no logical reason why that man should still be alive. He even outlived the woman he duetted with.

I'm also a fan of the Vandals' "Oi to the World". It's a dumb but fun song.

Three years of "I don't believe in God" finally got a permanent pass on Christmas Eve mass.

dusty said...

Is "Santa's Glory Hole" out on cd? I want to pick it up for my fucking worthless boss, who needs a chainsaw up the ass for his secret santa gift.

Roman War Helmet said...

You forgot two must have Christmas CDs...The original Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack from the 60's special not the newer crappier ones featuring Linus's kid brother and The Ventures Christmas CD which is great for Sexy Parties

wflcannon said...

Must-have X-mas CDs:
Carpenters Christmas Collection
A Very Special Christmas
Christmas Island--Leon Redbone

Greatest Video (and Greatest Vocal Performance--X-mas or otherwise)
O Holy Night--Mariah Carey

TheNaturalMevs said...

Talking about your pretend family again I see, Drew.