Monday, December 11, 2006

Your Official MNF Recap Turned Live Blog Bukkake...start reading as soon as the Pac-Man noises stop

I have no idea about the origins of this photo, I stumbled across it in a random image search regarding Rex Grossman. Well call me crazy but that looks like Rex and those other people look like Gators. Oh yeah, and those balloons look like they're filled with nitrous...Rock on Sexy Rexy!
SHHH! SHHHHH! The camera can hear my brain!

Rex Grossman gets as much pub for playing shitty than Tom Brady gets for winning Super Bowls, and I think it's faaaaantastic.

Muhsin Muhammad just gave Rex a friendly slap on the helmet, the refs immediately called a personal foul for roughing the quarterback and catching Dwyane Wade on the elbow.

Robbie Gould lines up for the kick, the Ladies Man tells us he's only missed one field goal this year. Wide right, nice work pimp.

Thees is the Rex Grossman of the announcing booth...except he's a schmuck.

In HD Marc Bulger is brooding...and kind of shiny.

Richie Incognito...so mysterious...so delicious.

The Rams just ran a reverse against the best defense in football. I think Mike Martz might have tapped into the headsets in St. Louis.

Thees couldn't help poking the tips of the World Series trophy, he's like a curious five year-old...except he's still a schmuck.

Stephen Davis is alive? What the fuck are you waiting for Michael Westbrook?

Touchdown Torry Holt. Ensuing kickoff, touchdown Devin Hester. My fantasy team is building a head of steam for the playoffs and Brad Melshenker is going to die like a whimpering little bitch.

Touchdown Stephen Jackson. After multiple long drives the Rams are starting to look dynamic, combine this with the fact that it was 64 degrees outside today and I'm pretty sure it's September.

For DC Area readers: Everybody hates Tammy Darvish as much as me, right?

If Thomas Jones and Cedric Benson don't combine for 40 rushes then Ron Turner should be forced to watch game tape of his Illinois teams while Norv sits on his lap masturbating. (12 at the half...way to go Ron)

touchdown bears...Jim Belushi's leaving!!!

ALLEN IVERSON'S LOCKER HAS BEEN CLEANED OUT! Eminem's closet is flithy.

Tirico brings up Wilkins' fantastic accuracy over the years. Wide right. You're the man, hot stuff.

Uh-oh...it's Berman time. I'll be back with further updates later in the evening.

and we're back...I'm love-blogging this bitch because there's nothing on tv.

Tony just said that this was a good game because columnists couldn't start writing yet ... wrong on both of those Satchmo.

You know it's a classic when the commentators are getting giddy over a potential Devin Hester fair catch. Wow, the ball's down inside the five. Shocking.

Mark it down: 10:30 pm est. I'm cracking open the German gin.

I think the little girl in the Samsung/Texas Instruments/Best Buy commercial just fucked that elephant. Holy shit! That German gin just puts words in your mouth. Death to the Jews. Okay, that could have been either of us.

I just realized I'd been nursing the same Lowenbrau all evening. Ever since I saw Dirk last week I've been acting...different.

Touchdown Thomas Jones! 3 touchdowns for my fantasy team thus far...not that you care, I'm just bragging. With that in mind, I'm quite sure I could handle the Chicago's play calling duties...again, just bragging.

Ricky Manning Jr. just got in a nice shot on Torry Holt, who of course wears glasses...fuckin' nerd.

Of course Thees likes Ron Turner...shitheads.

Touchdown! Grossman to Muhs (I wonder why that never took off). Obviously that was not a Ron Turner call...had to be a Sexy Rexy audible. MVP chants can be hears as far as Lake Forest.

Michelle Tafoya says that Rex Grossman is turning into a sexy diamond. I think she's dropping hints to Mr. Vandersall. Somebody better get his ass to Jared's.

Anytime the booth has thirty seconds of time to kill with on the spot banter just start cringing early to save yourself the trouble later. Yes Tony and Joe, saying "Jacked Up" is a lot of fun. Unless your name is Jack...and you got jacked...smoking a jack (long story).

Rex is just chucking it up there now, the pass interference is as good as a touchdown. St. Louis has a really shitty defense. There are way too many bad players in the NFL.

Suzy Kolber just said that Leonard Little "took a blow to the throat." If I ever stop laughing just fucking shoot me. Aside from the delicious sexual barb delivered by lovely inspiration I truly enjoy watching drunken vehicular manslaughterers (look it up) get everything they deserve.

Ricky Manning with another big hit. Apparently Stephen Jackson was talking about Battlestar Gallactaca, so why isn't he ever therewhen Easterbrook is around?

Touchdown Torry Holt! Despite the drops he comes through. Now is he the Torry Holt we all used to know Mr. Thees?

That's it! I've had enough of Bulger's garbage-time stat-padding and Olive Garden commercials for one night. I'm going to watch Colbert and get some sleep.

***The Bears won...as if you care

28 comments:

Christmas Ape said...

During his prolix pregame meditation, Kornheiser let loose a "Sex Rexy is making the fans apoplexy."

Kornheiser makes me schiesse.

Sir Hotbod Handsomeface said...

Uh, we were to understand there'd be pie and punch?

Unsilent Majority said...

that always seems to work. come for the fictional refreshments, stay for the drunken live blogging!

Rapist's Wit said...

Why is that guy's hand resting comfortably across Sexy Rexy's forearm? I thought he was a lady pleaser

Unsilent Majority said...

hahahaha! great name mmp...or whomever is intercepting our emails.

SuperFrankieLampard said...

nothing on tv? umm, what about the live action "year without a santa claus" starring john goodman and eddie griffin? the cast is, let me tell you, star-studded.

becky said...

i may be in the library but this is just like being at the game...or like being w/ my degenerate alcoholic pervert friends while they watch the game in between swigs of hard liquor and homoerotic insults.

Grimey said...

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the World Series trophy was the best booth guest this year. You know why? BECAUSE IT SHUTS THE FUCK UP AND WATCHES THE GAME, CHRISTIAN SLATER.

Unsilent Majority said...

At least Christian Slater made me laugh, Rexy hasn't done anything remotely retarded in quite some time (and yes, I'm wearing his college jersey because I love him).

Grimey said...

I think Christian Slater's appearance was the first time ever that someone did promotion for a movie going straight to DVD. Maybe next week Eugene Levy will show up to plug "American Pie Presents: Naked Mile".

Unsilent Majority said...

we can only dream

Grimey said...

Devin Hester is fast.

Eric said...

Its weird to see the Indianapolis defense wearing Rams uniforms.

doug_plank said...

Devin Hester is the black Forest Gump

Signal to Noise said...

Devin Hester is saving one of my fantasy teams after Romo, T.O., and Marion Barber shat the bed yesterday.

"Run, Devin, run!"

Robin said...

Damn straight about Leonard Little. I mean, if there were a convicted child molester in the NFL, he'd come out of his first loose ball pile-up with two loose balls, neither of which would be made of pigskin. So it's just a matter of time before the Broncos cut-block the shit out of the Achilles on Little's pedal foot.

thope said...

pac man noises ...
I think its more like the soundtrack from mario paint.

what?

Captain Caveman said...

My favorite thing about UM's post? There was no hint as to who won the game. I'm gonna go ahead and guess... Bears? No, Rams. I'm gonna go with Rams.

Okay, off to ESPN.com to find out.

Captain Caveman said...

Oh. Oh well.

Unsilent Majority said...

Come on CC, the Rams couldn't beat a dead horse.

SteveJeltzFan said...

Tammy Darvish sucks, but Crystal Koons blows.

peytonloveskenny said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
lucas said...

the best part was thees (i think it was him) saying "i love this game" after muhammed scored. but it wasn't happy. it was more like, "i wish i could quit you" in tone and effemininity.

Becky said...

Anyone else happen to catch Sexy Rexy apparently demonstrating his humping techniques to Brian Griese coming out of a commercial break in the 4th quarter? I just got a DVR on Friday, and it has never been more helpful than rewinding and rewatching that pumping motion over and over and over. That shit was HILARIOUS.

Or maybe it was the beer.

Red Line said...

Tammy Darvish is the new Sticks and Stuff Tina Gordan.

Ronny Deuch can also go fuck herself.

Landru said...

Tammy Darvish doesn't suck, she bites. Crystal Koons swallows. But thanks, USM, for saying what needed to be said. I ain't never buying one of the whiny bitch's cars.

I always wondered about Tina Gordon. Is she that other guy's sister?

Rusty said...

Krystal K. Koons is the devil. Se has ruined the sweater vest for me. She will never wow me.

Unsilent Majority said...

I knew it, all I had to do was leak my hatred for Tammy Darvish and the river would flow!

I'm pretty sure she had 8 commercials on during MNF.