Some quick hits for the Meast post this week:
-Every six months, I go to the dentist so that they can rape my mouth with
piano wire floss and x-ray cardboard. It's official: there is no dentist left on Earth that will not try and sell you shit. Even the good ones. I fucking hate it.
"Do you want fluoride?"
"Do you want whitening?"
"There's something called Invisalign..."
"I think you need an electric toothbrush."
HEY TOOTH BOY, CLEAN MY FUCKING TEETH AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! YOU FUCKING FUCK!
They've also instituted a new gum check exam, where they poke the gum around each tooth SIX FUCKING TIMES with a sharp instrument to gauge your gum level. They know that shit isn't necessary. Motherfuckers. Couldn't even get a real medical degree. Dentists can take a Sexy Rexy fastball right up the ass.
-Speaking of motherfuckers, I saw an ad castigating aggressive drivers the other day. Where was the ad placed? ON THE SIDE OF A BUS. Bus drivers, that's pretty rich. Because you people are the biggest asshole drivers the planet has ever known. It doesn't matter what kind of bus - school bus, Metrobus, short bus, that bus that goes from one Chinatown to another Chinatown (the reason Asian car companies make small cars is so Asian drivers will inflict less damage) - every one is driven by some pushy asshole who treats regular cars like potential road kill. Why don't you go to dental school if you like aggravating people so much? Dicks.
-Tomorrow is the single most annoying day on the sports calendar. That's right. It's the Unnecessary Saturday Of No Football. Hey NFL, the college season ended last week. We don't need a breather. Put games on Saturday a fucking week early. Do you want me to spend more time with my family? Is that what you want?! I don't think it is. Figure out the calendar, dipshits. Because college football officials will never realize that placing weeks between the regular season and bowls makes them the only sport with a postseason less meaningful than its regular season. College Football: It's Where Momentum Goes To Die.
-We bought a new bed a few weeks back, which is what happens when you turn 30 and your wife decides she doesn't like saving money. The thing came and the dudes assembled it. Within 10 minutes of laying on it, the support beams underneath snapped in half and the bed collapsed. People assume one of two things when you break a bed:
1) You are a fucking fatass.
2) The sex was just fucking nuclear.
Neither of those things were true. You've seen me shirtless. I am a svelte delight. There are certainly people fatter than me, at the very least. Worst of all, we bought the bed through the store my mother-in-law works at.
"How did you break the bed?"
We were laying on it.
"But the manufacturer said nothing like that has ever happened."
Good fucking Lord, I'm telling you: if the sex was that good, I'd take out an ad to let people know.
"Well, you must have done something."
Onto the Meast. Your Meast of the Week is Lorenzo Neal of the Chargers.
Lorenzo is the road grader who is currently paving out a record season for LaDainian Tomlinson. Along with
Steroid Boy Gigantosaur, that gives the Chargers a KSK-leading three SIMMOW awards. Are they the meastiest team in the NFL? I'd say they are.
And remember, if you have a question for the very first KSK Reader Mail Bukkake column, email me at email@example.com.