Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Ape Thanks The Helper Monkeys

Kissing Suzy Kolber would, in the vein of every obnoxious football telecast over the holiday weekend, like to take a treacly 10 minutes moment to thank our support staff behind the scenes for their assiduous, thankless, exemplary whatever-it-is-they-do. Cue the twinkly music and superimpose a picture of holly. This has got to be classy.

Technical Support: The Blogger Hamster

The grittiest, indefatigablest little guy this side of David Eckstein. Without his help, how else would this crew of motley measts get together to write a cursorily edited football blog for free? But seriously, little dude, we don't want to sign up for Blogger Beta, so just lay the fuck off.

Couch Leg Support: Footsteps Falco

See? He didn't vanish. His rotting carcass is propping up a couch. What a team player, that corpse.

Script Girl: Chris Simms

Just until he heals, then gets to hold the clipboard on the sideline like a big boy.

Make-up: Cris Collinsworth

Because Drew's gut doesn't naturally have that much eczema.

Special assistant to Mr. Caveman: Scarlett Johansson

Don't ask me how it happened. Guess that's just how those paid sports bloggers roll.


Additional services: Mary Beth King.

My attorney advises me not to reveal any more about this arrangement.


Now that Christmas is over and this simian has spent some quality time with KSK spokescat Jean Grey and the rest of the family, my threshold for feigning affection and interest in things not football related has been decidedly crossed.

However, despite the Bengals and Jags being kind enough to drop their key games Sunday, my beloved, bedeviling Steelers mistakenly figured seven points in two games against the Ravens would be sufficent to manage a series split. Now, barring some mid-week defection to the NFC, they are, guhhhh, eliminated from the playoffs.

So, how to direct this festering homer energy for the next six weeks? Well, I'll be rolling out the Hater's Guide to the Postseason later this week, chocked full of trenchant reasons why you should let the hate flow through you toward each team in the playoffs. There might even be bullet points.

13 comments:

Dolomite Jenkins is My Homeboy said...

Ape, the reason why the Steelers got eliminated from the playoffs is called: Super. Bowl. Loser's. Curse.

Christmas Ape said...

Next time I won't doubt the Seahawks' shaman-like powers before the Steelers beat them in the Super Bowl, DJIMH.

Shouldn't you all be focused on the postseason games you're not going to win this year?

4giantsfans said...

I guess I can call my season over. Not.beating.the.skins. I will now go burn my Strahan jersey.

Unsilent Majority said...

redskins will win by twenty on saturday

4giantsfans said...

Thanks UM. I know it's going to be a rumphing by the skins; but an OZ type prison level rumphing?? Ah fuck, who cares!!

The Pirate Sloth said...

Maybe I can convince some of the Seahawk cheerleaders to head to Tampa for some New Years Eve fun...

ROAD TRIP!

Awful Chief said...

This is not at all related to this post, and is not directly related to the NFL. It does, however, concern prison and fornication, which have clear ties to the NFL.

http://www.wusa9.com/news/watercooler/weird_article.aspx?storyid=54558

Bulger in My Pants said...

That is the scariest picture of Collinsworth I've ever seen. I've seen him look like a corpse, I've seen him look like a douchebag, but I've never seen him look like he belongs in a vaudeville show with a man's hand shoved up his ass.

feep said...

sadly, the skins will be rumphing no one for the rest of the season. it would appear that rumph was released.

Clint said...

Cricket Cricket.........yawn....... The most interesting part of this entry was that for the first time I got to see how HUGE Scarlet Johansen's tits were.

Signal to Noise said...

Clint, you're behind the times, sir.

swing4 said...

Clint, are you nuts? There's a hanster...holding a GUN!! Where do you live that armed rodents are common place?

The Pirate Sloth said...

I used to live in Georgia - the rodents are armed and dangerous there.