Ape Thanks The Helper Monkeys

Kissing Suzy Kolber would, in the vein of every obnoxious football telecast over the holiday weekend, like to take a treacly 10 minutes moment to thank our support staff behind the scenes for their assiduous, thankless, exemplary whatever-it-is-they-do. Cue the twinkly music and superimpose a picture of holly. This has got to be classy.

Technical Support: The Blogger Hamster

The grittiest, indefatigablest little guy this side of David Eckstein. Without his help, how else would this crew of motley measts get together to write a cursorily edited football blog for free? But seriously, little dude, we don't want to sign up for Blogger Beta, so just lay the fuck off.

Couch Leg Support: Footsteps Falco

See? He didn't vanish. His rotting carcass is propping up a couch. What a team player, that corpse.

Script Girl: Chris Simms

Just until he heals, then gets to hold the clipboard on the sideline like a big boy.

Make-up: Cris Collinsworth

Because Drew's gut doesn't naturally have that much eczema.

Special assistant to Mr. Caveman: Scarlett Johansson

Don't ask me how it happened. Guess that's just how those paid sports bloggers roll.

Additional services: Mary Beth King.

My attorney advises me not to reveal any more about this arrangement.

Now that Christmas is over and this simian has spent some quality time with KSK spokescat Jean Grey and the rest of the family, my threshold for feigning affection and interest in things not football related has been decidedly crossed.

However, despite the Bengals and Jags being kind enough to drop their key games Sunday, my beloved, bedeviling Steelers mistakenly figured seven points in two games against the Ravens would be sufficent to manage a series split. Now, barring some mid-week defection to the NFC, they are, guhhhh, eliminated from the playoffs.

So, how to direct this festering homer energy for the next six weeks? Well, I'll be rolling out the Hater's Guide to the Postseason later this week, chocked full of trenchant reasons why you should let the hate flow through you toward each team in the playoffs. There might even be bullet points.