Monday, December 11, 2006

You Wanna See a Cliche? BOOM! That's a Cliche!

If you've ever read a Bill Simmons column had a conversation about sports with someone who happens to also be interested in something that isn't sports, you know that a staple of the blogging diet is the "X-as-Y" gimmick of comparing sports figures to people or things that are not sports figures.

Most often, the "not sports" half of the comparison comes from the bottomless, poisoned well of pop culture, but this handy blogging tool applies to all realms of knowledge. For example, guest KSK writer Gregg Easterbrook is working on a post that compares Tony Romo to a supernova, the VY-Leinart-Cutler combo to an open cluster, and Eli Manning to a yellow dwarf... because nothing injects life into a conversation about the staid dullery of football like the adrenaline rush of astrophysics.

Attention Peter King: There is a red giant in Uranus.

By my recollection, KSK has dipped into this well twice in its short, profane history: Christmas Ape's sharp comparison of NFL coaches and film directors (in two parts), and Unsilent Majority's work last week likening quarterbacks to wine (also in two parts -- this was probably good but I only drink wine from a box, so I couldn't really tell.)

Perhaps it's a bit of a tired mechanism -- inevitably, some razor-witted commenter pokes fun at the author for ripping off Simmons: Who's going to do the post comparing running backs to Madonna songs?, har har -- but this idea ends now.


Some people out there seem to think that KSK is one of the best sports blogs on the Interwebs, and, as such, we feel the need to blow your fucking mind. So, you didn't like coaches as directors? Thought quarterbacks as wines was preposterous? Well, bring it on: we can do ANY comparison.

Which long-snappers are which 19th century playwrights? Piece of cake. Quarterbacks as board games? Child's play. Front office mavens as lanthanide series elements? Done. Agents as muslim clerics? Kickers as Rodgers & Hammerstein songs? Team logos as books by David McCullough? Second-string centers as families in the order Lepidoptera?


I'm bored it's so easy.

Go ahead, submit your challenges in the comments or via email. If KSK wins Best Sports Blog, we'll prove our worth by tackling what we deem the most ridiculous, absurd concepts.

Update: Looks like I'm going to have to scrap my athletes as the cast of "Cheers" post. But it was so timely!

61 comments:

goto11 said...

Blogging about blogging and then seeking blogging assistance from readers? Doesn't that violate some law of physics somewhere? I should go ask Easterbrook.

dusty said...

What a nifty way to sneek in a plug for KSK's webby nomination.

This post is over my head this early in the morn on the left coast dude..sweet jesus in a thong, wtf do I give a tinkers damn about butterflies at 9am on a fucking monday? Did you perchance sample some of the green stuff in the post farther down the page?

Big Jim Slade said...

How about "Teams captained by QB's named Peyton" as "Episodes of Diff'rent Strokes where Arnold and Dudley get molested in the back of a bike shop"?

Unsilent Majority said...

Everybody knows that Coach is Tommy Lasorda not Charlie Manuel. Manuel isn't even dead yet...wait a minute...is Tommy Lasorda dead yet?

Rob I said...

1970's American League MVPs as 1990's Heisman Trophy winners. Go.

The Pirate Sloth said...

As a Sloth, I am naturally a bit slow - but am I to interpret the image of an iron glove as the KSK boys are now "ruling with an iron fist" and laying down the law?

If so, then I am not that type of Pirate. I prefer cashmere gloves.

PS: Why isn't my oh-so-cute-but-deadly-and-vicious-Sloths-in-a-Box picture showing up!?!

highonLowe said...

How about,
KSK contributors compared to Saved by the Bell characters?
Or, RBs compared to 1980's saturday morning cartoon characters? (Thundercats anyone?)
Or, Z-WRs as 8-bit nintendo games?

(Obviously, anything late-80s/early 90s were good to me so anything in that time period would be enjoyed by me)

Nope said...

NFL Referees as World War II fighter jets.

Ed Hochuli has to be the B-24 Liberator- http://historylink101.com/ww2-planes/aa-b-24-liberator-c3.htm

8hrdrive said...

to rule with an iron fist...
or to fist with and iron rule?

that is the question.


NFL pussies as pornstar pussies all relative to panziness and pussy size.

JFKFC said...

Super Bowl contenders as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle characters. Other than the big four, both groups have a steep dropoff to worthless options like Casey Jones and the NY Giants

Cameron (Go Lions) said...

Third string quarterbacks as 1940s propaganda films. Begin.

Awful Chief said...

line backers to genocides in history

Captain Caveman said...

am I to interpret the image of an iron glove as the KSK boys are now "ruling with an iron fist" and laying down the law?

No, just a gauntlet that was thrown down.

Mike said...

Compare 2006 AFC teams to 2005 NFC teams.

And then compare 2006 NFC teams to players on teams in the Adams Division from the 1976 NHL.

Walklett said...

placekickers to famous milfs

punters to 80's/90's hair-metal bands

Bad Barbecue said...

Team color schemes to top ten worst animals to miniaturize. A comparative post mixed with a top ten post, cliche madness.

hakeem said...

how about the nfc north and lyrics from the crash test dummies song "mmm mmm mmm mmm"

Grimey said...

As for my "running backs as Madonna songs" comment, I wasn't poking fun at ripping off Simmons, I was poking fun at comparing various NFL positions to shit that gay people talk about.

Unsilent Majority said...

because only gay people drink wine...IT'S A FACT!

JFKFC said...

What about pro-bowl offensive linemen compared to porn stars? Cure my sex addiction right there...

The Pirate Sloth said...

CC - that makes sense. But I like the iron fisting thing better. As you can be half joking about it to a girl, then say "Well, you know, unless you're into that..."

Chunkie said...

Cincinnati Bengals locker room as current federal prison(s).

Biggie said...

I gotta say, my vote has to be for Linebackers as Genocides. Or entire teams compared to countries the U.S. has fought in wars.

The Lions have dibs on Granada.

Eric said...

Compare:

- Current or former running backs named "Deuce" to the current cast of SNL
- Joe Theisman's booth announcing to getting cancer
- Drew Brees' mom to Donovan McNabb's mom
- Special Teams coaches to Tom Hanks movies that he wasn't nominated for an award in

Jesus Shuttlesworth said...

MLB Replacement players from the '94 strike as Slick Rick eyepatch/suit color schemes.

GentleWhoadie9000 said...

Famous touchdown runs to famous guitar solos.

Guaranteed to be fucking nookyoolurrrr. If you don't do it, I will. OK, I won't.

P.S. Another old Pittsburgh story for you that just resurfaced- Rookie Plexico Burress and friends pulling up to University Beverage Center in an Astro van and buying several dozen 40s.

Bad Barbecue said...

NFL cities to famous amputees.

peytonloveskenny said...

NFL defensive backs to computer peripherals

GentleWhoadie9000 said...

League dress code reprimands compared to racist things you have heard people casually say.

Unsilent Majority said...

NFL cities to famous amputees.

Oakland--Buster Bluth

JT said...

Things to compare:

- NFL Full Backs to Characters in Hemingway novels
- Long snappers to albums by the Rolling Stones
- QBs to Playboy Playmates
- Head Coaches to Friday the 13th movies

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

NFL kickers to STDs

Zach Landres-Schnur said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Awful Chief said...

NFL head coaches to euphemisms for male ejaculate.
Tom Coughlin: prick puke
Joe Gibbs: seed

GentleWhoadie9000 said...

most of these ideas are very bad

Unsilent Majority said...

not zach's.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Compare NFL Players with feminine names to feminine hygiene products

Dominic (pronounced Dominique) Rhodes

Danielle Manning

Players named Tracy, Stacy, etc.

The list could go on...

Or pretentious names like Peerless Price or Sir Henry Anderson (please look this fool up) or Boss Bailey or Atari Bigby (dumb ass name).

Or why the NFL allows Adam "PacMan" Jones to have P. Jones on his back. What is this the XFL? Bring back "He Hate Me" why don't you?

OK, I'm done now.

Jon Max said...

I think you should compare each Nfl teams head cheerleaders left tit to a type of cheese.

Jackin'4Beats said...

KSK - 1221
Deadspin - 1155

Keep up the automated voting.

Bruce Hygiene said...

special teams coaches throughout history to marriages that bill belichek has wrecked by fucking someone's wife.

ill start yall out

joe avezzano is princess di - this needs no real explanation as joe avezzano is the closet thing to NFL royalty there is and princess di was royalty. i guess

tuluse said...

right guards compared to greek city states.

GentleWhoadie9000 said...

not zach's.

true

Jeff Reed: Herpes (inevitable consequence of partying)

Mike Vanderjagt: Syphillis (a killer if not treated early)

Adam Vinatieri: AIDS (game over)

Sebastian Janikowski: Fistula (not sexually transmitted, but vagina-related and really gross)

Martin Grammatica: Crabs (small, funny looking)

Neil Rackers: The drip (makes a powerful impression)

Jason Elam: Warts

Trapper John said...

Winter Olympic events to sex acts.

Unsilent Majority said...

well whoadie just ruined that one.

GentleWhoadie9000 said...

i couldn't resist. i am chained to a desk

flubby said...

+1 whoadie

Brave Sir Robin said...

Bobby Martin's Mobility to Quarterbacks. Categories should include, amongst many other things, ability to elude tacklers and to throw on the run.

TBoone said...

NFC central quarterbacks as ABC's TGIF TV dads.

Engineer Sighted said...

-Kick returners to Dubliners short stories
-Defensive Coordinators to whiskeys
-Announcers to medieval methods of torture
-Draft busts to physical manifestations of the Virgin Mary

Signal to Noise said...

Linebackers to genocides is good.

Shawne Merriman is the Armenian genocide. Ray Lewis is Kosovo.

There are no current players to compare to the Holocaust. In fact, it's probably asking for trouble to violate Godwin's Law. But Lawrence Taylor would probably be the closest.

sobchak said...

90's backup catchers as Office characters.

e.g. Hector Villanueva = Kevin

Jackin'4Beats said...

Has anyone ever asked why Sean Sailsbury has so much goddamn attitude even though he was a career scrub, er backup in the NFL during his bullshit career? Can someone tell him to stop taking the roads now that he's no longer playing? Maybe they would have helped his sorry ass if he would have taken them while he was playing.

Then and only then could he have held the title of GIGANTOSAURUS REX.

Jackin'4Beats said...

roids not roads

D-Rock said...

QB's to ESPN personalities, just so I can see you guys make subtle digs at those douches.

the flyer said...

Major Supreme Court decisions involving the scope of the Commerce Clause to AFC nickel backs.

Clearly, Hoke v. United States, 227 U.S. 308 (1913), governing the transportation of women across state lines, is Kevin Kaesviharn, known pimp.

Koos said...

Players, Coaches, Pundits or Teams of the NFL to Obscure Pop Culture Reference Comparative Metaphors

For example, the Denver Broncos are clearly "Major Supreme Court decisions involving the scope of the Commerce Clause to AFC nickel backs", whereas John Madden is obviously "Team color schemes to top ten worst animals to miniaturize."

How do you like my meta, now, bitches?

What what,
{ k }

ATL_eagle said...

How about KSK writers as National Writers. For example: Unsilent Majority as Peter King, Big Daddy Drew is Mort...

BearsFanScrewedOutOfSeasonTickets said...

Do a list of NBA Baaallaaz compared to strains of cheeba !!
They could all tell you straight up today what their fav. is !!

Even the Bulls Mascot got busted for selling back in '04

wflcannon said...

NFL QBs to MLB pitchers

yoyoma said...

"Biggie said...

I gotta say, my vote has to be for Linebackers as Genocides. Or entire teams compared to countries the U.S. has fought in wars.

The Lions have dibs on Granada."

I think you mean Grenada. Granada is a city in Spain that, as far as I know, the US has never fought with.

yoyoma said...

QB's to ESPN personalities...

Michael Vick to Mel Kiper Jr. (over-hyped, not as valuable as would appear)

Rex Grossman to Joe Theisman as an analyst (how is this guy still in the job?)

Drew Bledsoe to Chris Reilly (one-dimensional, lose jobs frequently and get relocated)

Steve Young as a Quarterback to Ron Jaworski as an analyst (about as good as they come--smart, consistent, versatile)

Brett Favre to Steve Young as an analyst (frustrated and nostalgic for days past)

Tony Romo to Jay Mohr--that's right, remember Mohr Sports?--(looked promising at first but didn't live up to the hype when everyone realized that 1) this guys sucks and 2) this guy's kind of a tool)

Matt Hasselbeck to Tony Kornheiser (bald)

Peyton Manning to Stat Boy (surrounded by tons of talent but always seems to leave you unsatisfied)

Tom Brady to Bill Simmons (but in Bill's dreams only)