Wednesday, October 4, 2006

Leave The Gun, Take The Bukkake (Pt. 2)


The hoary, gimmicky pop culture comparison post is a familiar one to the blogging community - y'know, wherein a writer likens sports teams to any number of components within a category of cultural arcana, be they Smurfs, brands of beer and members of the federal judiciary, then draws tenuous similarities.

Well, the writers at KSK are above such things (we’re too busy genuflecting at the altar of Bill Simmons, that sagacious Sports Guy, who was first to conceive of combining the worlds of “sports” and “not sports”). That is, the six superior KSK writers to myself are, but it's the middle of the week, there's space to fill and the prime movie season approaches, soooo - what the hey! - here's a list of which film director would be best fit to direct a movie about each NFL team:


NFC South:

Atlanta -- Keenen Ivory Wayans

I have the same incredulous reaction everytime I notice that the Falcons have put up more than 24 points and when one of Wayans' insipid movies is topping the box office. Maybe I'm watching them at the wrong times but the Falcons seem to have the easiest offense in the world to stop. Teams stack eight in the box and Vick does the rest by two-hopping balls to Atlanta's receivers coach on the sideline. The box office thing can be blamed on submoronic people with no taste and a penchant for stolid race-themed humor. Still baffling nonetheless. Oh, and, Black Q-Back Ron Mexico Gonna Scramble Sucka Then Jump Up And Down On The Couch Just Like Tom Cruise HAHAHA is slated for a 2007 release.

Carolina -- Robert Altman

Altman's first credited film, from 1951, is a five minute documentary called "Modern Football." Football is a sport that could probably be summed up in five minutes in 1951, but the Panthers are indicative of how far the league and sport have gone in recent years. The players take newer and more illicit drugs by the day, and even their cheerleaders are testing the boundaries of sexual mores. And there are black quarterbacks now, and black coaches, and one black owner, upp, nevermind - Reggie Fowler got bumped to minority owner. They even put a team in Carolina, ferchrissakes. Altman made Nashville, so maybe he's equipped to deal with filming in a shithole like Charlotte.

New Orleans -- Spike Lee

Well, now the city is all repaired because they've had a game in the Superdome, I guess there's nothing left for him to make another movie about. I was rather looking forward to Spike doing his trademark character-stands-still-while-background-moves dramatic shot with Reggie Bush 18 times. Also, Sean Payton's breathless racial tirade into the mirror. Too bad. Good luck finding some more racism in America. Ask Stephen Colbert.

Tampa Bay -- Morgan Spurlock

This would probably match up nicer if Spurlock had been a public, rather than a private, failure for most of his life. However, he made a successful documentary illustrating what we all already knew - that McDonald's has shitty, unhealthy food - something already laid out by Fast Food Nation (the book, not the upcoming movie that somehow has nothing to do with the book) and he parlayed it into a TV series as well. That lines up with how Gruden was successful with Dungy's team, right? No? Okay, well, I think he fucked up his spleen during Super Size Me, so there you go.

NFC West:

Arizona -- Ingmar Bergman

Wouldn't the Cardinals' games be that much easier to watch if they were filmed in black and white by a Swedish auteur? I think so. The requisite tragedy is all there. Existential gloom, sure. The team couldn't get Pink Taco Stadium so the only way to improve things, short of actually fielding a winning team is getting Will Leitch playing chess against the Grim Repear for the prize of Kurt Warner's soul.

San Francisco -- Francis Ford Coppola

Ah, fading former greats done in by their fuckwit families. The 49ers were better off with Eddie DeBartolo and the mob and Coppola was better off turning shitty Mario Puzo books into cinematic gold. Now Denise York is driving the team into the Bay and hiring Nazi coaches, while Sofia and Roman are making pretentious indie films that are ruining the good name of a guy who produces overpriced plonk you can buy at the grocery store.

St. Louis -- Guy Ritchie or John Woo

Weren't these two guys making some flashy, visceral movies for a minute? Guy Richtie made exciting, albeit derivative, caper films with dogs eating diamonds and bunnies getting proper fucked. And, uh, John Woo's characters had two guns! Two fucking guns! That's, uh, I think, yes! One per hand! And all those doves, so symbolic for... something or other. I don't know, they're doves. But Guy Richtie was ruined by some Italian twatblossom who thinks she's British and John Woo by coming to America. Same falloff with these Rams, Mike Martz left and now they're just some decent power running team. Ho-hum.

Seattle -- Oliver Stone

The refs are out to get us! What? D-Jax pushed off Chris Hope right in front of the line judge in the endzone? Fuck. You. Man. Bush pushed off Gore in Florida and no one called that shit. Tick. E. Tack. I know Roethlisberger didn't make it over the goal line like no planes hit the Pentagon on 9/11. Wheels within wheels. Remember when we had those great WTO protests here in 1999? That's the sound and fury you get every time you walk into Qwest Field. We're not corporate thugs here in Qwest. Hold on, can't hear you, dude. Let me turn down the crowd noise pumping through these speakers.

13 comments:

TheBigO said...

Whoa, a black director for the Atlanta Falcons, didn't see that coming. What about Kurosawa? C'mon man you put Guy Ritchie on the list and left off Kurosawa. Nice John Woo bone there, only Asian director you could think of? Spike Lee should be for the New York Giants not the Saints (yeah I know about the documentary, but when yout think of Spike you think of New York), c'mon think hard I'm sure you can think of more black directors than Wayans and Lee.

Christmas Ape said...

thebigo -

Not my fault Hollywood has a paucity of black directors. If I can fit in jokes about John Singleton and Melvin Van Peebles, I'll do it.

Scorsese is Philly and he's as associated with New York as Spike Lee. Also, there are still 16 teams left.

flubby said...

When I think of Spike Lee I don't think of NY, I think he owes me my $7.00 back for 25th Hour. What a wankfest.

TheBigO said...

Ape,

You've got Antoine Fuqua, and Danny Glover too. There are many more, hispanic ones too, serious.

stig o'tracy said...

Trust me, Charlotte was a whole lot cooler when it was still called Hitler City.

rsr26 (aka Johnny Utah) said...

How about Steven Spielberg as the Colts? Everyone's favorite feel good team with the All-American QB-although if you look deeper sometimes there is something missing- in Spielberg's case- a decent story. In the Colts' case- a defense. This analogy would be better pre Schindler's List- when both the Colts and Spielberg couldn't win in the post-season.

rsr26 (aka Johnny Utah) said...

And the Raiders are Michael Cimino. Yeah they produced brilliance at one time, but that was in the 70s, and now they both seen as just crazy old has-beens who are like a running gag in their respective communities.

Son of Brasky said...

Damn dirty primate. What's the beef with Charlotte? You'll rue the day.

Unsilent Majority said...

stig just made me choke on water...i wasn't sure that was possible

thope said...

italian twatblossom=best thing i've heard in some span of time

goto11 said...

Go right now to the US Patent and Trademark Office and file your trademark for "twatblossom". If you don't, Dane Cook is using it in his routine inside of six months, guaranteed.

TuckPendleton said...

John Singleton could be the Ravens. Each are about as subtle and graceful as a jackhammer.

Robert Altman also directed the movie MASH, which had a football sequence at the end. It was pretty revolutionary for the time, because Altman had the camera right in the middle of the action. (Though Fred Williamson has often said it was his idea to film the game that way.)

Lionel McClure said...

I know I'm 5 months late and no one will ever read this, but The Godfather was a "shitty Mario Puzo novel"? It was a tremendous book Ape, and you saying that makes me highly doubt you ever read it.