Even when you're falling / just pretend you're flying / when you're on the line

Welcome to the Week 5 edition of our weekly feature Always Be Covering. The following is a small sampling of the games I'll be investing in when I wake up at 12:58 with a nasty hangover...really, I'm an expert.

Disclaimer
While I may appear startlingly brilliant (or possibly not) you must remember that this is a humor site. If you take me too seriously you're likely to end up sharing an apartment with this guy.

Firstly I'd like to thank everybody for stopping by the site today, I'm sure you've got much more important stuff that needs your attention (that burrito isn't going to microwave itself). After a hectic week of travel there's no time and place I'd rather be than right here right now. Of course that's easy to say after the cleanup job I did last week, I'm one more week away from buying Bodog. The timing on my newly minted Shy-lock of the week couldn't have been better. After enduring the Black Sunday that was Week 3 I really needed some wins, now i feel like Bernie Lootz after he fucked Natalie...so let's do this.

Washington +5 at New Jersey
For the record, I never bet on or against my boys in burgundy and gold white and white...that being said...FIVE POINTS?!?! My boys are on their way back to the top of the division and Eli Manning is questionable with sore ovaries.

Who???

New Orleans -7 vs. Tampa Bay
Even Debbie Gradkowski will be betting against her son Bruce.

Baltimore +4 at Denver (MNF)
There are very few teams in the NFL that should be favored over Baltimore by more than a field goal. If your quarterback is named Jake you are not one of those teams. If the Ravens win (or just cover) we may not see them as four point dogs until the playoffs. If the two teams are tied at the end of regulation Billick and Shanny might as well just whip it out and start measuring.

Shy-lock of the Week

(2 teams, 6 point tease)Another gentile in disguise

Carolina -2 vs. Cleveland
New England -4vs. Miami
I jumped all over this one at first glance, you might even say I "thin sliced" the four teams involved. Cleveland sucks. Miami sucks. The Panters are starting to look like a playoff team and the Pats are coming off of an embarrasment. Sometimes these bets just make themselves.