Texan Collapses On Sideline, Dolphins Collapse On Field

What the fuck?

Yeah, man. Houston got themselves a dubya yesterday. David Carr, who was the league's highest-rated passer (whatever that means) threw for a TD and ran for another in a 17-15 conquest, leading his franchise to only the 19th win in their history.

So you're fucking serious? Houston won this game?

Ron Dayne led all rushers (hold up, Ron DAYNE? the guy Gary Kubiak picked out of Mike Shanahan's trash?) with 58 yds on 22 carries. Andre Johnson led all receivers with 101 yds receiving, his third 100-yard game of the season, along with a TD reception. Oh yeah, Texans G Mike Brisiel collapsed on the sideline in the first quarter. He did climb onto a stretcher under his own power, which is somehow easier than not collapsing during a game.

Miami was losing by 8, but then scored on a 16 yard Culpepper-to-Chambers pass with 1:39 left in regulation. They needed the 2-pt conversion to tie, and we all know that Miami's best short-yardage play is the one where Ronnie Brown throws the ball? Yeah, so that went over like a whore in church. But if you need to convert the two to TIE THE FUCKING TEXANS, you deserve to fail. Serves you proper.

So Miami, wow, after running the table in their last seven games last year to go 9-7 last season, now find themselves up Shit Creek sans paddle at 1-3. This team, already with offensive line troubles (giving up 5 sacks today) and a secondhand QB, will have to find a way to salvage their season.

What motivational tool could possibly rally this team, and at the same time allow them to blow off a little frustration? What team event could fulfill this double-sided objective? There has to be SOMETHING that could bring a motley group of professional athletes together. Something that will revive their passion for the game, and bring a return of exubarence to a franchise that is rapidly falling into the throes of winter. But what could that be?

I'm sure they'll think of something. But hey, nice job, Texans. You might become a real NFL team yet.

Other scores:

Atlanta 32, Arizona 10
Denny Green has already named Leinert the starter for Week 5 vs KC. Cardinals C Alex Stepanovich expected to contract gonorrhea by season's end.

Dallas 45, Tennessee 14
Stats for Vince Young's first career start: 14-29, 155 yds, 1 TD, 2 picks, zero Vicodin.

Indianapolis 31, N.Y. Jets 28
Laveranues Coles injured on final play after being trampled by the brass section of the Stanford band.

Buffalo 17, Minnesota 12
J.P. Losman says shampoo is better, citing that it goes on first and cleans the hair.

Carolina 21, New Orleans 18
Steve Smith bails out Delhomme's ass yet again. Drew Brees threw for 349 yds in a losing effort.

Baltimore 16, San Diego 13
The Chargers threw the ball only 9 times in the entire second half.

Kansas City 41, San Francisco 0
Larry Johnson was tits, running for 101, 2 TDs, but Tony Gonzalez (59 yds), not so much.

St. Louis 41, Detroit 34
Both teams combined for 797 yds of total offense.

Cleveland 24, Oakland 21
Raiders QB Andrew Walter only sacked four times, but OAK pisses away a game at home against a shitty team for which they had two weeks to prepare.

Washington 36, Jacksonville 30 (OT)
Brunell gives critics another reason to bitch about the NFL's overtime format.

New England 38, Cincinnati 13
When you give up 236 yards on the ground, you deserve to lose.

Chicago 37, Seattle 6
CHI RB Thomas Jones: 98 yds, 2 TDs; all Seattle rushers: 77 yds, no TDs