Tuesday, October 24, 2006

KSK Visits Indianapolis, Neither Will Ever Be the Same...Part 2

Welcome to Part 2 of my field trip to Indianapolis. For Part 1 simply scroll down...dumbass.


The RCA Dome...tick tick tick
  • This was the first time I’ve ever watched the Redskins play in an opponent's stadium, it felt like a college game. The Dome is tiny and the seats are as close to Fenway’s as my ass has seen, except for the upper deck (only two levels?) which is done in a bleacher motif.
  • They showed designs for their new stadium that our drunken fratboy neighbor assured us would look just like the Roman Coliseum despite the fact that it’s a rectangle made of steel with a clay colored facade.
  • The in-stadium entertainment made me want to put out a Monte Cristo in each of my eyes while simultaneously jamming lit firecrackers into my ear canals.
  • First they had an act that would have been pretty funny had it not been so blatantly staged. A few cheerleaders and the disturbing mascot (it had a hot pink mane and tail and it rode a Segway) began dancing around a stadium cop (who happened to not be wearing a gun belt). He quickly joined in with some seriously white-bread break dancing to the delight of more than I would have expected.
  • The singing was was pretty terrifying. The National Anthem was performed by four members of the Future Farmers of America. I can’t remember much of their singing, I was much more engrossed by their resemblance to the Children of the Corn.
  • Whoever runs the DJ booth at the Dome is probably a member of the AARP (or maybe Indy is like Bulgaria where they get American music on a 15 year delay). The only thing worse than the early 90’s dance music was the incessant wave of country that had one of our neighbors head-banging her feathered hair away.

The Unwashed Masses

  • I’ve never been surrounded by fans who were overtly passionate about their team yet completely ignorant to every other aspect of the game (i.e. the rule book and other teams).
  • A middle aged man behind me was infuriated when Indy got flagged for roughing after swiping Brunell across the facemask. When he screamed that it should have been a five yard facemask penalty I couldn’t help myself. I tried to inform him that any contact to qb’s helmet resulted in a personal foul, he claimed the facemask wasn’t part of the helmet. Then I rubbed my temples for a few minutes.
  • When Philip Daniels turned Peyton a human slingshot one of the louder Colts supporters looked like he was going to have a brain hemorrhage. Then for one fleeting minute their blood-curdling screams of outrage had me convinced that they were going to storm the field and beat Daniels to death. For a brief moment I questioned whether or not to cheer the legal hit...when I did it felt gooood.
  • I began to feel ill around the time the fans did their C-O-L-T-S chant. This was immediately followed by a fellow Redskins fan doing the Jets version while i performed the Eagles version for the first time in my life. Then a trio straight out of the trailer park tried to get our section to do the wave. Their originality is beyond reproach.
  • There were a couple of fans who stuck out more than any other in my section. One was a guy I'm guessing was around 20 or so, he was wearing a powder blue Chargers jersey. When I jokingly told him how pretty it was he took it as a compliment; then again he was also wearing matching diamond earrings. When the crowd reacted to a big play by former Colt Marcus Washington he asked, "Who is he?" Upon further investigation I was able to discover that he's from Indy but is a fan of the Chargers and mostly the Bears. When I informed him that my Skins had Super Bowls than all three of his teams combined he also claimed allegiance to the Bulls (I'm still not sure why). He later declared himself to just be lucky to be born in Indianapolis; I'm pretty sure that's the first time anybody has ever uttered that sentiment.
  • Although ignorance seemed to be the most prevalent trait amongst my section of fans, it was not the funniest. Sitting next to my buddy Hench Gus Alex was the drunk I mentioned in the earlier post. At least I think he was drunk, he may have been drinking novocaine based on his speaking ability. He spent 90% of the entire game on his cellphone relaying the play by play and a ton of shit talk to his buddies back at the frat house. It was one of the strangest and most annoying things I've ever seen a fan do at a football game (but I was still laughing my ass off). I'm sure he woke up in a gutter with a bad hangover and a crippling phone bill. On the plus side he had a neckbeard that would make Kyle Orton weep in appreciation.
That about does it for my thoughts on Indianapolis, I would have liked to talk to some of the fans after the game but they began flooding out at the two minute warning. Apparently all that meth wasn't just gonna cook itself.

Perhaps it needs to be explicitly stated that this is a humor site and a lot of what is written here is satirical in nature. Most of my experiences in Indianapolis were great, I met some very friendly and knowledgeable fans and residents. I'm merely playing up some of the cities oddities and faults that you could find almost anywhere. By no means to I purport DC to be some sort of utopia, far from it. So try to not take this as some sort of personal vendetta against your city...and yes of course I'm a bitter Washington fan (I thought at least that much was obvious).



38 comments:

Comanda said...

Glad you enjoyed your time in my city, UM. If I would've known you were coming, I could've pointed out some more white trash tendencies for you. You did, HOWEVA, miss out on a great party after the game...

Rob I said...

I don't know which is funnier...the hayseed fans or UM trying to reason with them.

Unsilent Majority said...

dammit, where was the party? I was trying to get the lowdown on afterhours drinking...my camera was dissapointed

Comanda said...

Well it's a little late to give out locations but it involved all the good things you folks at KSK value: beer, liquor, drugs, music, football, and nakedness...and not in that order either. God it was a great time. If I could recover my digital camera I'd send you some pics. Anyway, glad you hated our city! We do too!

Unsilent Majority said...

God I wish I saw more people like Comanda in Indy.

ryta1203 said...

I love the criticism from a person who a) apparently can't spell b) can't take a "clean" picture from a camera c) is plainly ignorant.

I happen to live in NW DC on Conn Ave and let me tell you, DC is one of the shittiest cities in the US, not because of the city itself, but the people are mostly just assholes, much like yourself.

Knuckles said...

Sounds like a nice change of pace from Fedex field, where you're swarmed by dudes in tight jeans and Darrell Green jerseys. And have you ever seen a female in a Skins jersey that wasn't pushing two bills?

Canadian Bobsled Champ said...

I bet you that party involved a basement and a 'drink like a champion' t-shirt. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Otto Man said...

Am I the only one who's never even heard of Lucas Oil? Is its CEO named Darth Cheney?

And ryta: Lighten up, Francis.

Unsilent Majority said...

I'd never heard of Lucas Oil either, but I imagine Corey Feldman is prominently involved. The team is also sponsored by a fastfood place called Rally that I'd never seen before (although they have the exact same logo as Checkers).

Awful Chief said...

Rally's is to Checkers as Hardee's is to Carl's Jr, if that helps. If not, they're the same. You can get a Big Buford at either one.

wunderlichin' good said...

The Colts are my team but I refuse to go to a game that isn't a playoff game. Let me be a little more specific. I refuse to go to a game that isn't a playoff game against Denver. Our fans are too dumb. I can't stand the fact that any time the Colts don't score a touchdown on any given possession the crowd now boos. Spoiled? Maybe just a little. Also, two weeks ago Peyton Manning had to call a time out because the crowd was booing the refs so loudly while he was trying to audible. Nice awareness. Just let us play Denver every playoff game and we're good enough fans to know that during a 41-10 or 49-24 game we can pretty much scream unintelligently the entire game and it not matter. By the way, I've been to D.C. a couple of times and it's a hell hole. And any championship obtained while led by someone as annoying as Joe Theisman is null and void. Also, any championship obtained during a strike shortened season is null and void (double whammy in 1982). That means for the Redskins 3 titles, you have to take away the 1987 one and the 1982 one twice. Sorry, no championships for you.

Unsilent Majority said...

Thees as a player is fine. Thees in the booth is a different person.

In addition to the lack of situational understanding that wunderlichin' mentioned above I was confused by the need for everybody in the third row to stand up at all times. This forced everybody to stand and before I knew it we were the only section in the stadium standing...and it was a timeout.

swing4 said...

I just hope this isn't foreshadowing for the NFL's return to LA.

Unsilent Majority said...

I'd rather have a team in Indy

Mike Zordan said...

Sorry for your bad experience, but there are many cities worse than Indy. The worst part about the city is that almost all of the good bars (not that there are many) are a taxi ride from downtown. On the plus side, virtually none of the fucktards at Colts games will be out at the bars in Broad Ripple. It's a little too quiet for my taste, but all in all it's not a bad city, and I'd much rather live in Indy than KC, Cleveland, Detroit, Charlotte or Cincinatti. Also, from my experience if you go to your team's away games then you're gonna think the other teams fans are all idiots.

3SW said...

I think you encountered the lowest common denominator (hereafter referred to as LCD) during your trip to Naptown. There are actually people living here (albeit not by choice) who embrace hairstyles created after 1988. Yes, Indy is tragically far behind the coasts and Chicago in almost all areas, but you have to remember that most residents still feel that whole "paved roads and interstates" idea is a little sketchy and that "Alice" is cutting-edge comedy. There are pockets of hipness to be found, but you do have to dig for them.

Landru said...

Your work on Indianapolis is fundamentally sound but lacks a certain...oh yeah. It lacks any measure of Steelers-bashing. Please correct this critical deficiency.

And it's nice to meet you too, ryta. Please feel free to return to whatever holler you crawled up out of.

Hi-C said...

LOL "All that meth isn't going to cook itself."

A DC resident suggesting Indy is a shady place? Rich.

Though from what I can tell (Chicago resident here), the city does have about as many political nightmares as DC. Just, you know, not the whole "top three most dangerous cities"/murder rate/drug trafficking thing.

Unsilent Majority said...

Not the whole "top three most dangerous cities"/murder rate/drug trafficking thing.

That's DC's character baby!
...although we don't do much trafficking around here (more of a buy/sell town).

Hi-C said...

Well while you're at it, bring sexyback.

Comanda said...

No basement. No drink like a champion t-shirt. Just the aforementioned items and lots of the last one.

Unsilent Majority said...

lots of nakedness? so is it true that your womenfolk have sidewise vaginas?

Arenas Is God said...

UM, good to see you fighting the good fight over there. They got the fake noise thingy?

oh and...
http://img193.imageshack.us/img193/4115/lollavarbwc7.jpg
+
Matt Bryant thuggin'
+
Tony Romo
=
destiny, IMO.
WORD

Comanda said...

Nice try.

Otto Man said...

Here's the thing -- if you have to look hard for the cool spots, or take a 30 minute cab ride to get there, or ask around for some hidden secret place that's cool, well, your city's not cool. That's like saying she's a really hot chick once you get to know her personality. Nope.

Indianapolis is cool like Milhouse. His Mom thinks he's cool, but no one else agrees.

Claude Balls said...

Uhh, UM, that was Cory Haim in Lucas.

And why all the hate for white people, particularly those not from a major metropolis?

Unsilent Majority said...

all these years and i'm still mixing up those two fucktards.

I don't hate (all) white people, I just like to see a little bit of diversity at my sporting events.

Son of Brasky said...

Easy on Charlotte there Mike Zordan. And keep in mind that my QB has been to a super bowl and your QB's name might as well be Ray Finkle once it comes playoff time.

Additionally, your team plays in a dome, which automatically gives all of your players a 99 on the madden pussification rating.

Hi-C said...

You didn't see the homeless people asking for your money on the way out? There was some diversity there.

roy_Johnston said...

Does submitting a piece of hatemail earn residuals for inadvertantly promoting this asshole, douchebag, parents basement inhabiting infested piece of shit?

Unsilent Majority said...

That's the spirit!

Macbrvs94 said...

I live in Noblesville, a suburb of Indy. I have a 2000+ square foot house with a huge yard, nice neighbors, and a great school system. I pay less than a grand a month for the house and that includes property taxes and insurance. (And there is plenty of cool shit to do...just because you didn't do any of it is hardly our fault.)

To quote the much funnier Big Daddy Drew, D.C. "eats a chocolate cookie out of my ass." What I pay wouldn't buy a cardboard box in the district.

Love the blog though.

brickyard said...

Nice hatchet job, unsilent majority. Obviously any city that can host three major races with 100,000 - 250,000 (mainly out of town/country) spectators EACH per year, multiple NCAA finals (men's and women's), several Big Ten Tournaments, numerous conventions and various Olympic qualifing events has nothing going for it and should have rolled out the red carpet for your all-important visit. Granted, Colt's fans are in for a huge upgrade in facilities to the Lucas Oil Stadium (The Luke as it is already being called). Go back to your overpriced FEDEX field and enjoy your team's mediocrity, which is a generous assesment of their talent based on their loss to TENNESSEE.

Al said...

Why would you even notice or care what color other fans are? If that's one of the main things you notice at a game, you may be thinking a bit too much about race.

Sandman said...

Ok. . .where the hell do I begin. I've read all these posts and it seems I might actually be the only person born, raised, and lives in Indianapolis (Noblesville doesn't count). My family has had season tickets to the Colts since 1984 (the year they moved to Indy). Three seats in the same section for 22 years. I started going to games in the late 80's (as soon as I could walk) and went to everyone until I graduated high school and went to college (Boiler the fuck up!). I get back for about 4-5 games a year. So, I went through all the shit (pre-Peyton/Dungy). I was there for every 3-13 season, Trev Alberts bad knees, squandering Faulk's early years, Steve Entman's bad legs, Paul Justin, Jeff George, Big play Ray, "Playoffs!?!?!", Kordel running out of bounds and then back in to catch the go ahead TD in the AFC Title Game, that time we went 0-10, Jim Irsay's Drunk Ass and many more. The entertainment and the COLTS cheer both suck and the mascot makes me want to throw up. Over the years I have just become numb to it all.

We were there for every game no matter what and never left early. Not once! All those years of having crowds not worthy of a Northwestern/Indiana football game has made me cold and bitter. There are few true Colts fans in the city, the seeds have been planted, but in like 5 years all those yuppies will be gone when we suck again.

There are basically two types of Colts fans those before Peyton/Dungy those after. Those before know the game and truly love the team. Those after just like winning and can suck on it when they give up when we start sucking again for all I care. Wunderlichen’ good I see your point, doesn’t make you any less of a bitch for giving up though.

So shit, if I want to boo every freakin' call I will, if I want to do the wave god damn it let me do the wave. That place is crazy when its full and its loud as fuck. You sit crazy close and I honestly wish they'd just keep it, there isn't anything else like it.

As for the city itself, fuck Columbus (what the fuck is a blue jacket)! I know that coal plant looks like shit I see it all time but if you turn your fat head slightly right you see the best damn AAA ball park in America. The night life is great; you just have to know what you want and where to find it. Granted Indy may not have the best looking people but it isn’t Green Bay. Don’t get us confused with those bright orange, camo wearing, overweight cheese doodles. Cold + Winy does equal suck, that is why we built a dome.

I invite you back to sit with my dad and I and the rest of the diehards that have been there since day one. It has to be better than watching the Redskins play every week. Oh and on more thing Marvin is God’s other son, no doubt about that. The only reason everyone chants Reggie is because of number 31 and Wayne will entice the crowd and Marvin is the exact opposite (painfully shy). Both are loved like none other.

Steven said...

Meh. I do not have the passion to defend my city. It's okay, for those of us who like things low key.

However, I need to make mention of the DJ- earlier this year, the DJ was playing the normal tracks you hear at every stadium, but with the explicit lyrics intact.

You might get away with that on the east coast, but in the heartland we frown upon them naughty words those mischevious rappers be usin'.

I haven't been to a game since then, but prior to that the music was decent. I figured someone would get the ax for that, and apparently they replaced him with a typical hoosier.

Last thing, say what you want about our team and city, but somehow we manage victories without a 700 page playbook. Now I will return to work in comfort remembering my team's quarterback isn't Mark Brunell.

anon said...

> Hi-C: Though from what I can tell (Chicago resident here), the city does have about as many political nightmares as DC. Just, you know, not the whole "top three most dangerous cities"/murder rate/drug trafficking thing.

Well, there's always Gary...