They're like the Coors Light Twins, except without the hotness, fame and watery beer

One shitty thing about having digital cable is no Sunday Ticket. (DirecTv sucks big time, but that's a story for another day.) So if I am watching at home on Sunday (ofttimes hungover), I am left to snatch regional game crumbs that fall from the big kids' table. Due to my location (one of the flyover states) this turns out to be lots of Bears games (which after years of suckitude is finally starting to pay dividends), plenty of the Packers (Paul Hornung is still the reigning football god in my chronologically-challenged burg), and plenty of Colts and Bengals.

Anyhoo, Sunday on the early tilt I had Packers-Rams and Colts-Titans for my viewing pleasure. It took me about half an hour to realize I was listening to the dulcet tones of Brian Baldinger on color for Fox and Richard Baldinger in the same role for CBS. Or was it the other way around? One of the Baldingers definitely works with one of the Alberts. Wasn't there a third Baldinger brother that played in the NFL? Where's he at? Naming all the Baldinger brothers should have been one of the questions that Roger Goodell had to answer during his job interview.

The NFL's Baldinger Brothers (from left to right): Brian, Richard and Gary.

Truthfully, the Baldingers seem wholly fungible. In fact, to me they are henceforth "Baldinger Uno" and "Baldinger Dos"-- just like Los Conquistadores (the 80's tag-team, not the 16th century agents of genocide). But don't let my pique of snark mislead you, both Baldingers have decent chops. Neither detracts from the game and they know when to shut their yaps -- which really is all I ask anymore. I'd take either Baldinger over Bill Maas or that Moose & Goose abortion Fox foists on America weekly.

Fox NFL analysts Daryl Johnston and Tony Siragusa.

(Dick Stockton is a pro, so I will refrain from lumping him in with these two meatheads, and will even go so far as to put the old fella over for tapping that sideline-reporter ass like a pimp. An elderly pimp that looks like Conrad Bain, but a pimp nonetheless.)

Thanks to "Baldinger Uno", I learned that the Rams' Stephen Jackson refers to himself as "The Big Marshall Faulk." Considering Faulk had twice as many touchdowns at the same point in his career, I think truth in advertising laws require Jackson to modify the nomenclature to "The Big Joe Cribbs," or possibly even "El Conquistador Grande Numero Quatro" (which I believe comes with your choice of rice or refried beans). Back to you, Baldy.