Tuesday, October 10, 2006

They're like the Coors Light Twins, except without the hotness, fame and watery beer


One shitty thing about having digital cable is no Sunday Ticket. (DirecTv sucks big time, but that's a story for another day.) So if I am watching at home on Sunday (ofttimes hungover), I am left to snatch regional game crumbs that fall from the big kids' table. Due to my location (one of the flyover states) this turns out to be lots of Bears games (which after years of suckitude is finally starting to pay dividends), plenty of the Packers (Paul Hornung is still the reigning football god in my chronologically-challenged burg), and plenty of Colts and Bengals.

Anyhoo, Sunday on the early tilt I had Packers-Rams and Colts-Titans for my viewing pleasure. It took me about half an hour to realize I was listening to the dulcet tones of Brian Baldinger on color for Fox and Richard Baldinger in the same role for CBS. Or was it the other way around? One of the Baldingers definitely works with one of the Alberts. Wasn't there a third Baldinger brother that played in the NFL? Where's he at? Naming all the Baldinger brothers should have been one of the questions that Roger Goodell had to answer during his job interview.

The NFL's Baldinger Brothers (from left to right): Brian, Richard and Gary.

Truthfully, the Baldingers seem wholly fungible. In fact, to me they are henceforth "Baldinger Uno" and "Baldinger Dos"-- just like Los Conquistadores (the 80's tag-team, not the 16th century agents of genocide). But don't let my pique of snark mislead you, both Baldingers have decent chops. Neither detracts from the game and they know when to shut their yaps -- which really is all I ask anymore. I'd take either Baldinger over Bill Maas or that Moose & Goose abortion Fox foists on America weekly.

Fox NFL analysts Daryl Johnston and Tony Siragusa.

(Dick Stockton is a pro, so I will refrain from lumping him in with these two meatheads, and will even go so far as to put the old fella over for tapping that sideline-reporter ass like a pimp. An elderly pimp that looks like Conrad Bain, but a pimp nonetheless.)

Thanks to "Baldinger Uno", I learned that the Rams' Stephen Jackson refers to himself as "The Big Marshall Faulk." Considering Faulk had twice as many touchdowns at the same point in his career, I think truth in advertising laws require Jackson to modify the nomenclature to "The Big Joe Cribbs," or possibly even "El Conquistador Grande Numero Quatro" (which I believe comes with your choice of rice or refried beans). Back to you, Baldy.

14 comments:

Big Daddy Drew said...

KICK ME IN THE JIMMY!

doug_plank said...

"From parts unknown...."

Claude Balls said...

Even if DirecTV didn't provide a better picture, better service and, surprisingly, fewer rain disruptions than any cable service provider I have ever had, NFL Sunday Ticket makes it the provider of choice.

What, you don't have a view of the southern sky? Then move, you lazy fuck, to an abode that has one.

Or cut down the tree that is blocking your view. I don't care if your grandfather, who stormed the beach at Normandy and liberated the world from the Nazi menace, fingerbanged your grandmother under that tree when he came home from the war. It's in the fucking way. Where are your fucking priorities?

letsplaytummysticks said...

I always preferred the sweet misdirection of the Valano Brothers. Is it Valano one, two, three or four? Who knows?

Unsilent Majority said...

claude, i fucking hate directtv...but not as much as comcast. i'm switching for next season.

A.R.P. said...

Fingerblast! I think I've mentioned this before: It's time to get OJ back on the sidelines. I forgive you OJ. At least if you have digi-cable you get Byront Gumball (who has a brother: Luigi Gumball) and Chritianne Collingworthless on the NFL Network later this season. Brutal. Bring me some OJ.

Roy Hobbs said...

I bought a house last year in Seattle. One of my non-negotiable search criteria was a clear view of the southern sky, mainly so I could get Sunday Ticket, but also so I could get the hell away from Comcast.

A.R.P. said...

Comcast eats babies.

mike said...

I don't think the twins were all that, but football-time beer commercials seem alarmingly free of scantily clad babes lately. I blame Mark Foley.

Otto Man said...

Gary Baldinger is smart, Flubby. He's not dumb like everyone says. He's smart and he wants some respect!

And as someone who got DirecTV solely for the NFL Ticket and has had no complaints, I don't understand the hatred. You might as well assimilate now. Resistance is futile, fuckers.

Claude Balls said...

How can anyone hate DirecTV? It gave us NFL Sunday Ticket, for fuck's sake. As far as I am concerned, that alone earns DirecTV a lifetime pass from me. The fact that it poked Comcast and those other cable bastards in the eyes doing so only earns it more points.

Seriously, if the DirecTV installer stole my wallet, fingered my girlfriend (hmm, two fingering posts in one day; I wonder what that means?) and ran over my dog on his way out after installing my dish and system, but I woke up Sunday afternoon to all those glorious channels in the 700s, all would be forgiven. Hell, he could even come over and watch the game with me.

But he would have to wash his hand first.

Matt said...

DirecTV didn't give us NFL sunday ticket, the NFL did. All DirecTV gave us was a douchefucking monopoly on the best product EVAH. So, I too, hate DirecTV.

OkieRover said...

http://www.gribblenation.net/nflmaps/
This will tell you what shitty game you're going to get stuck with.
Enjoy

The Jim Report said...

I'm sure DirecTV is great, but for those who happen to live in apartments with no windows facing in the right direction is sux not having another option, even streaming online like MLB.com does would be cool. The NFL really seems to go out of it's way to piss off it's fans that want to see thier product. Must be the same psychology why women love "bad boys" who treat them like crap.