I have a mouse in my house. The thing shits all over the countertops, gets into food, and drags food underneath the stovetop. So now, whenever the mouse shits somewhere, I have to spray, scrub, and disinfect the entire area. That's in addition to my regular duties as a husband and father. Which means this fucking mouse is giving me extra chores to do.
Let me be clear about this, Mr. Mouse: YOU ARE FUCKED. Steve Irwin may have been an animal lover, but I am not. I'm an animal hater. I don't even like Animal the Muppet, or animal crackers, the band The Animals, or anything else animal-related. And, thanks to you, I've found the perfect target for my aggression. Your antics may play well with sucka niggas like Scratchy, but they sure as fuck don't with me. I live at home with a wife and child, and I write a blog. It should be pretty clear to you that I have a lot of time on my hands to fill, and finding the best way to plot your eventual murder fills the bill perfectly. You fuck.
Make no mistake: I am going to fucking kill you. You picked the wrong motherfucker to fuck with. I'm gonna set a trap, bait it with some killer Asiago you won't be able to resist, and then watch with unreprentant glee as that trap springs over your body and crushes the life out of you. How's that sound, fucko? I bet it sounds shitty. Maybe it didn't have have to be this way. Maybe if you had just kept your filthy-ass, salmonella infested droppings to yourself, and not in my Whole Foods Everything Flatbread, we could have reached a compromise.
But you fucked up. The gauntlet has been thrown down, and now I'm gonna run a locomotive straight up your mouse ass. Steven Seagal once said the anticipation of death is worse than death itself. Well, get ready for a whole lot of anticipatin', and a whole lotta dyin'. And here's something to get me in a mouse killin' swagger: it's a tarantula killing one of your fucking brothers. Fuckface.
Oh, and the Meast of the Week is Seahawks kicker Josh Brown, who booted a 54-yard game winner, had another kick hit both uprights (it missed, but who gives a shit?), and who wants to nail Carrie Underwood. Yeah, I know he's a kicker. Caveman requested it, so whatever.