Foosball Isn't the Devil, H.R. 4411 Is the Devil!

Welcome to the 7th edition of our weekly feature Always Be Covering. The following is a small sampling of the games I'll be investing in when I wake up hungover in an Indianapolis hotel room.

Disclaimer
While I may appear startlingly brilliant (or possibly not) you must remember that this is a humor site. If you take me too seriously you should spend a few weeks in a padded room.

These are tough times for us degenerate gamblers. G Dub's got a raging clue for all of us who enjoy laying some cash on a few football games. All the proponents of this ridiculous law that creates another victimless crime deserve to be rumphed by Bryant McKinnie on three non-consecutive occasions. All this means is that people will start going back to the old standby of gambling with bookies...I'm sure that will make the country a safer place President Fucktard. It's not as if he's ever done anything vaguely illegal. Without further delay, let's move on to this week's sure things.

San Diego -6 at Kansas City
Oh come on Vegas, why do you always give the Chiefs so much credit for playing at home. They're a lousy team going up against the most intimidating squad in the AFC. Larry Johnson might need to put that diaper back on at halftime, I figure PEPCO and Jamal Williams should have him shitting his pants by them.

credit www.dallaslive.de

Houston +10 vs. Jacksonville
The Jags haven't shown the consistency necessary to warrant giving ten points on the road against anybody...even the Texans. After losing their best player (Mike Peterson) the Jags could be ready to collapse. Remember, they gave up 37 "Chucker" Brunell. There aren't many things on Earth that can thrill me more than winning a bet on the Texans...and those things usually cost extra.

Denver -5 at Cleveland
The league's best scoring defense is playing against an offense that runs with all the efficiency of a Datsun. As little as I may think of Shanny and his Roto Rooter quarterback even they can muster the nine points needed to cover. If Cleveland comes within a touchdown of the Broncos Shanny should be executed at midfield.

Shy-lock of the Week (3-0 so far...can't stop, won't stop)

(2 teams, 6 point tease)Another gentile in disguise

Arizona +3 at Oakland (MNF)
Philly Even at Tampa
Don't worry everybody, it's Oakland. Not even Denny fucking Green could botch this game. Leinart could hit Boldin for touchdown blindfolded against that piece of shit defense. It's starting to look like Philly is fo'real like Pharrell...and it hurts me to admit that. Once again I will show my complete lack of faith in Jon Gruden and Bruce Gradkowski. If they really thought their team was worth a damn they probably wouldn't have traded Booger for a future draft pick (unless they're targeting that Dingleberry kid I've heard so much about).

Now we want to hear from you the reader. Any obscene parlay you're throwing down this weekend? Let us know so we can mock your failure.