Thursday, October 19, 2006

Foosball Isn't the Devil, H.R. 4411 Is the Devil!

Welcome to the 7th edition of our weekly feature Always Be Covering. The following is a small sampling of the games I'll be investing in when I wake up hungover in an Indianapolis hotel room.

While I may appear startlingly brilliant (or possibly not) you must remember that this is a humor site. If you take me too seriously you should spend a few weeks in a padded room.

These are tough times for us degenerate gamblers. G Dub's got a raging clue for all of us who enjoy laying some cash on a few football games. All the proponents of this ridiculous law that creates another victimless crime deserve to be rumphed by Bryant McKinnie on three non-consecutive occasions. All this means is that people will start going back to the old standby of gambling with bookies...I'm sure that will make the country a safer place President Fucktard. It's not as if he's ever done anything vaguely illegal. Without further delay, let's move on to this week's sure things.

San Diego -6 at Kansas City
Oh come on Vegas, why do you always give the Chiefs so much credit for playing at home. They're a lousy team going up against the most intimidating squad in the AFC. Larry Johnson might need to put that diaper back on at halftime, I figure PEPCO and Jamal Williams should have him shitting his pants by them.

Houston +10 vs. Jacksonville
The Jags haven't shown the consistency necessary to warrant giving ten points on the road against anybody...even the Texans. After losing their best player (Mike Peterson) the Jags could be ready to collapse. Remember, they gave up 37 "Chucker" Brunell. There aren't many things on Earth that can thrill me more than winning a bet on the Texans...and those things usually cost extra.

Denver -5 at Cleveland
The league's best scoring defense is playing against an offense that runs with all the efficiency of a Datsun. As little as I may think of Shanny and his Roto Rooter quarterback even they can muster the nine points needed to cover. If Cleveland comes within a touchdown of the Broncos Shanny should be executed at midfield.

Shy-lock of the Week (3-0 so far...can't stop, won't stop)
(2 teams, 6 point tease)Another gentile in disguise

Arizona +3 at Oakland (MNF)
Philly Even at Tampa
Don't worry everybody, it's Oakland. Not even Denny fucking Green could botch this game. Leinart could hit Boldin for touchdown blindfolded against that piece of shit defense. It's starting to look like Philly is fo'real like Pharrell...and it hurts me to admit that. Once again I will show my complete lack of faith in Jon Gruden and Bruce Gradkowski. If they really thought their team was worth a damn they probably wouldn't have traded Booger for a future draft pick (unless they're targeting that Dingleberry kid I've heard so much about).

Now we want to hear from you the reader. Any obscene parlay you're throwing down this weekend? Let us know so we can mock your failure.


the dude said...

Mock this failure...I mean gamble.

Steelers (-2.5) at Falcons.

Atlanta's offense may rack up the yards rushing but not so much with the Mike Vick doesn't know how to complete a pass 2 out of 3 times and the Steeler defense appears to be back along with a more confident Big Ben.

It sounds good in my head...thank goodness I don't bet on sports.

Unsilent Majority said...

I like that pick, the Falcons are getting crushed by injuries.

Eric said...

Cincy (-3.5) vs Carolina.

Carson Palmer will make his presence known once again, and will make me look like a genius for drafting Houshmenzadeh as my first receiver.

I'll probably parlay that with the under in the DEN vs. CLE game.

Arizona should destroy oaktown, that's a fucking lock.

UM - ARI is giving 3 not taking 3

Unsilent Majority said...

eric, the arizona bet is a 6 point tease.

Just so you know Carolina is the best team in the league ATS when getting points over the last few years.

Irish said...

Arizona takes down Oakland and then some. I've been watching pro football for thrity years and Oakland is the worst team I've seen in that time. They belong in the Sun Belt Conference.

Irish said...

Thirty years not thrity. I sound like a rapper.

Awful Chief said...

I really try to avoid betting on my team, mostly because they are perpetually shitty, but I'm strongly considering putting a little wager out there on the Detroit Lions +3.5.
The brave men in Honolulu blue will be without banned substence devouring Shaun Rogers, but have a pretty decent offense that should put up a lot of points up on the shitty Jets D.

DCThrowback said...

Minn +6' (haven't lost by 6 all year - outstanding defense should take advantage of SEA line issues...)

Under 41/SEA/MINN - No doubt that MINN can't score (needed 2 defensive TDs to put 26 on the Lions at home) and SEA's o-line is banged up with Womack out. Morris no Alexander - Bradley J also doesn't turn the ball over. Field position game in SEA.

You could also tease it to MINN +12'/Under 47 which I think is pretty good play.

Or...Pats +.5 and Minn +12' - no way Belicheck loses to Buffalo. Pats 16-2-1 ATS v. Buffalo in the 2nd meeting of season.

Also like:
WSH +9 (Colts WAAAAY overrated and not esp. good home faves)

GT +7
Pitt -6'
South Carolina -3'

(Spurrier 10-0 v. Vandy - 8-2 ATS...Big hangover in Vandy after beating UGa for the first time since '84)

flubby said...

West Virginia -22 over UConn sounds safe.

OU -13.5, even without Peterson, at home against Colorado sounds good. The Buffs suck.

Unsilent Majority said...

college football is for frat boys and boosters

Awful Chief said...

buncha fuckin' amateurs!

Unsilent Majority said...

nihilists too

flubby said...

Only a nihilist would pick the Texans two weeks in a row.

You believe is nossing!!!

Unsilent Majority said...

one of these days...

mathesond said...

I gotta take the Pckers and however many points their getting. Although I wish Daunte was playing - and over/under on combined INT's would be very interesting

Sinfonian said...

Bucs 23, Eagles 21.

Too bad it was even.

Go Bucs!