Wednesday, October 4, 2006

Steve Irwin Memorial Meast of the Week - Week 4


MTV turned 25 recently. You would expect the channel that perfected self-fellatio well before ESPN and HBO discovered it would spend an entire month telling you how fucking great MTV has made the world over the past quarter century. But when I tuned into MTV on its official birthday, all I saw was regular programming. I'm not sure they even created a logo for it.

And then, it dawned on me. In a neat little bit of irony, MTV is now, at 25, too fucking old for its core demographic of 12-year-old retarded girls. They can't broadcast their age because their audience may then abandon them for younger, douchier channels like Fuse. Which is kind of heartwarming. Congratulations, MTV. You are now VH1. Which makes VH1, uh... C-SPAN. Or something.

Anyway, you see this logo up above? That's the old "MTV Exclusive" logo, or at least similar to it. Back when I masturbated four times a day instead of two, this logo accompanied any new video exclusively aired on MTV. If said video was by Def Leppard, it usually was #1 on Dial MTV the next day. I used to watch that show knowing the exact order of the videos from the previous day. So I fucking knew when the number one video was something new. True, it could be "Always There For You" by Stryper. Or it could be a 4 Reasons Unknown video. Or something else that was fucking terrible. But, more often than not, it was a hair metal video that featured lots and lots of hot tits. My penis still knows the entire "Up All Night" video by heart. God bless you, Slaughter. Chicks + Falling Water = Awesome.



I also was a big fan of "Poison" by Alice Cooper and "Tease Me, Please Me" by The Scorpions, which actually featured a housewife nailing the pool boy. Why? Why the fuck not?

Now, can anything be more exciting than a brand new titty-laden video when you're 11 and desperately horny? Well, Week 4's meastiest player comes close. It's Santana Moss of the Redskins!


Moss has a quiet 3 first games of the year until last week, when he had the first 3 TD game of any wideout this year and made Unsilent Majority go "Oy Vey!" right in his pants, after putting the Jags to bed with a stellar catch and run in overtime.

So cheers to Santana, for a spankworthy performance worthy of misogynistic 80's videos.

14 comments:

swing4 said...

Great post.

Keith said...

Drew, you made the Phatphree? what's up with that?

Fornelli said...

I know Santana had a great game, but can a guy who's 5'10 and 185 pounds really be considered a Meast? If you ran into Santana Moss in a dark alley somewhere would you really be scared of a possible Rumphing coming your way?

Run Up The Score said...

Billy Idol's "Cradle of Love" and Warrant's "Cherry Pie". Oh, man.

Excuse me. I have to go the the bathroom. For about 45 seconds. Be right back.

Angelos said...

run up the score, you're killing me. I'm trying to work here, and all now I can think of is that girl prancing around in her black stockings and white dress shirt.

JoSCh said...

Hair bands be damned, Fornelli is right. Derrick Johnson, that was a measty performance, albeit against girl scouts.

Awful Chief said...

Does anyone else remember Randy of the Redwoods from 80's MTV? Whenever I reference him nobody has a fucking clue who he was, which really pisses me off. That commercial with Randy debating Lloyd Benson with JFK's head superimposed over Randy's was really sweet. That was probably 19 years ago, the last time the Tigers were in the playoffs. Go Tigers go.

Big Daddy Drew said...

ac, either way it's fine with me.

And it's Randee.

Canadian Bobsled Champ said...

Where is UM on this one?


Moss had a meast of a performance, even if he isn't measty. First time our vertical passing game hasnt smelled of Cotchery all season.

Mr Furious said...

Sorry, Drew. The resolution on that YouTube vid is so bad I can't tell the hot chicks from the fags in the band...

I'll second the "Cradle of Love" call.

Grimey said...

Oh no! She's spilled the wine! What will she do now???

Big Daddy Drew said...

+1 grimey

TheBigO said...

Fornelli,

I'd bet good money that Santana Moss would whoop your ass, in a dark alley, well lit gymnasium, Football field, uhhhhh, opera house, ummm, restaurant, etc. You get my drift.

Unsilent Majority said...

santana moss is the uber-meast...anybody who argues can lick my rumph.

once again, i'm sorry i'm out of town. i've been busy with workshops all day and i'll be doing the same thing for the next two days.

hampton inn has shitty coffee but the bed is pretty nice...great work drewseph (sorry, i always throw that sufix on the name "drew" for some reason...nobody knows...oy, i drank too much...fucking pussy ass baseball players suck ass