As any layman, drunkard, or other KSK reader can tell by our coverage of the Ben Roethlisberger appendectomy and the measty destruction of Chris Simms’s spleen, we at Kissing Suzy Kolber are dedicated to making jokes about the destroyed internal organs of NFL players. Which is why we’re all excited that the Ravens’ Corey Ivy tore his kidney, forcing the team plane to make an emergency landing in Pittsburgh on the way home from Denver.
Tore a kidney? Holy fuck. I want to cry just thinking about that. Like, I don’t know where my spleen is, but it hurts when somebody punches you in the kidney, you know? What if somebody reached inside you and tore it?
...and now I'm afraid to stop holding my sides. Let's move on.
Given that this is the NFL's third major injury to an internal organ -- discounting the usual suspects of concussions and gunshot wounds, of course -- and we've only made it through Week 5, I thought it only appropriate to take a look at the internal organ injuries we're destined to see as the season unfolds.
Matt Leinart, inflamed liver: Some people might think Kyle Orton would be the favorite here. Hell no. Orton is a drinking god. He lives in Chicago and has Midwestern roots, which anyone knows is a pedigree for drinking like a champion. Leinart, on the other hand, is from Orange County originally, then he went to USC. So he grew up with rich douchebags, then went to school with rich douchebags. And rich douchebags can swing prescription drugs that do liver damage when combined with alcohol. Besides, if you don't think Paris Hilton's vagina is crawling with Hepatitis-C, I have some real estate I'd like to show you.
Tom Brady, broken heart: "The Patriots lied to me! They liiiiiiiiiiied!!! Come back Deion! We were so good together! Where's My Chemical Romance CD?" Granted, the Tom Brady emo alert has recently been lowered to threat level yellow, but if he starts wearing eyeliner and listening to Dashboard Confessional again, sound the alarm and bet their opponents to cover.
Bill Parcells, breast cancer: This is just wishful thinking on my part. I keep hoping he'll get a double mastectomy for decency's sake.
David Carr, punctured lung: This guy gets sacked 80 times a game and has somehow survived fairly intact. When he finally breaks, he's not just going to get cracked ribs: I'm positive that a broken rib will pierce his lung. Hell, I'd say 10-1 he goes one better and gets his xiphoid process detached by Cato June and ends up dying from internal bleeding on the field. Which is probably preferable to playing QB for the Texans.
Ben Roethlisberger, hydroencephalitis: Yeah, I think Big Ben's gonna come down with some brain inflammation. Why, you ask? Well, why not? Don't you get the feeling that he belongs in a remake of the Simpsons episode where Mr. Burns puts together the All-Star ringer softball team? When I think radiation sickness and gigantism, I think Roethlisburger's next illness.
Eli Manning, ovarian cysts: See what I did there? I insinuated that Eli was a woman and therefore unfit for the bruising nature of the NFL. Frankly, I've yet to see either insinuation disproven.
Brian Urlacher, ruptured testicles: These are the facts: (1) Urlacher had an unprotected one-night stand with a woman after a romantic first date at Chili's; (2) he almost certainly had sex with Paris Hilton (lawyers and libel suits are the only reason I included the "almost certainly" part). I'm not a doctor, but I know that that's a solid recipe for turning your scrotum into a festering sac of death. He's got a powder keg of biological weaponry between his legs that Al Qaeda would love to get its hands on, and if that thing goes off in the locker room or the shower, you can expect Soldier Field to look like the the set of Outbreak. (Note: all KSK bonus gay innuendos are free of charge.)
Terrell Owens, disemboweled: This might be just more wishful thinking on my part after the woeful failure of Philly fans to kill T.O. on Sunday. But Sean Taylor and his prison shiv preserve my dream of seeing T.O.'s small intestines on the gridiron.
I'm sure this list is only the tip of the digestive tract, though. As always, we welcome your thoughts and oversensitivity in the comments, so feel free to add your guesses as to which organs will need replacing before Super Bowl XLI. In the meantime, I suggest the NFL start searching out inventive new ways of healing.