Thursday, October 19, 2006

Firing You Was Especially Hard On Me, Jim


Dear Jim,

God, firing you hurts me so much. It hurts me to the very core. Now, I am a man who has done a great deal of hurting in life. For instance, this morning my daughter made my eggs runny. I strongly dislike my eggs runny. She knew this, yet she flagrantly undercooked them anyway. This hurt me very deeply, Jim. So, when I say that firing you hurt even more than that, you can only imagine my level of anguish.

Sure, you'll find a new job. Maybe you'll do some broadcasting. Or maybe you'll even hang out with that kid you ditched a couple decades back. But where will I go? What will I do? How will The Bri recover from this sort of thing? The Bri doesn't really know, Jim. God, I think that's the first time I've ever said that. Wow, that hurts. Now firing you has hurt me doubly. I can barely finish my chocolate croissant, the hurt is so bold and intrusive.

Even faxing you this termination letter has pained me greatly. When I asked Kitty, my assistant, to send it to you, she said she had to go and pick up my new set of long irons. And so, I had to do it myself. And that hurt me. Hurt my very soul. Then, when I went to dial your number on the fax, it said it didn't recognize the number. Then I realized I had forgotten to dial one. I don't get it. You don't have to dial one using a cell phone. But you have to do it when faxing? That's fucked up. You see the whole cycle of self-doubt this causes? There's no doubt for you, Jimbalaya. You're off the hook. But the demons stay with me, Jim. They haunt my dreams as I sleep on my 500-thread Egyptian cotton sheets.

And what of the offense now, Jim? I don't know how I'm going to cope without you. With you here, I had someone to pass blame to. But who do I do that with now? Neuheisel? That guy's a dicklicker. He can't even play a fucking E chord. "Different kind of coach" my ass. I need you here, Jim. And yet I have to think of my family, and the new bumper pool table I just placed on order. I have to think of those things first. You see the whole conflict this creates in my mind? It's so difficult and complex, not unlike my 12-year tutoring program for Kyle Boller. No one truly gets it, and that hurts The Bri right here, Jimkata. Right in the bloodpumper.

It almost hurts as much as the time I went jogging without taping my nipples and experienced some light chafing. Or the time Guadalupe, our nanny, requested consecutive days off. Or the time my children started watching "Spy Kids 2" while I was still fixing my sandwich. Those things all hurt me, Jim. And now, you too have added another chapter to my suffering.

I hope you can live with that. I hope one day you'll understand the mark you left on me by not making me look like a better coach. But perhaps time is what's needed here. Perhaps years, even. My wounds run deep, Jim. I hope you can sympathize. After all, you'll get to coach the Raiders next year! But I'll still be here. Alone. Abandoned. With no one to make sure my straw hat looks good. I hope you're happy.

Regards,
2000 Super Bowl Champion and Noted Motivational Speaker Brian Billick, Esquire

14 comments:

C. said...

Very nice. I imagine a Shanahan firing letter for his O-coordinator could be just as arrogant and obnoxious, except everyone knows the Broncos' offensive coordinator is just for show.

tuluse said...

I wonder if Boller tries to suck on purpose just because he wants to see Billick fail.

dp said...

Bri-guy needs to keep his hand out of the Kitty.

the dude said...

Nobody ever wants to get the "Dear Jim" letter.


Oh and speaking of Jims, can someone explain to me how Jim Belushi was able to become head coach of the Ravens?

Big Jim Slade said...

"You said it, Chewie. Where did you dig up that old Fassel?"

"(Jim) is a great man"

"Yeah, great at gettin' us outta field goal range"

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

it also hurt taking kyle boller in the first round of the draft.

Eric said...

Anyone notice that Billick was hired because of his success with the Vikings offense - because he was some sort of offensive guru?

How is it that he has never had an effective offense in Baltimore...outside of Jamal Lewis?

And, The Dude...I always thought he reminded me of Hayden Fox from "Coach". And he's had several Daubers running his offense...

peytonloveskenny said...

He is an offensive genius. His plan is to have the Ravens offense suck so much that when they actually play semi-competently, the other team is caught completely off guard.

Mel Ott said...

Jim Fassel always struck me as a nice, good guy.

How did it ever happen that his best friend is Brian Billick??

I should rephrase that to - "was" his best friend.

Spulture said...

I'm just happy to have Rick Neuheisel back in the news. In his new position he'll certainly be able to set up some high stakes gambling pools for NFL games. He'll be the only one who can save us when our Republican overlords make it illegal for banks to cash our off shore betting checks.

swing4 said...

Excellent post, Drew.

If my assistant knew why I am really eyeing him and the fax machine at this very moment, he would be moving a lot faster to get me my goddamned hot tea.

me said...

"Jim Fassel always struck me as a nice, good guy. How did it ever happen that his best friend is Brian Billick??"

billick is clearly a top.

DCThrowback said...

Brian Billick is to offensive geniuses what Marvin Lewis is to defensive geniuses.

A.R.P. said...

Jim Fassell left the keys in the offense while purchasing mint condoms and milk...