Monday, October 23, 2006

Prayer To Jesus Concerning The Early Death Of Brandon Jacobs


Dear Jesus,

I know I don't talk to you very often. In fact, I never really talk to you at all. Since I'm pretty much agnostic, I don't even believe you were the son of God. Ever since Willem Dafoe played you in that flick where you nailed the shit out of Barbara Hershey, you kind of creep me out (you can blame Dafoe for that, he's an odd guy). You just strike me as one of those really intense dudes that scares off appallingly shallow, non-introspective people such as myself.

But since this is pro football, and since the prayers of most strictly Evangelical, secretly gay pro football players are directed at you, I thought I'd give it a shot. I think I'm worthy of your attention. I'm a fairly good person. Loving and faithful husband. Devoted father. Loyal friend. Sure, I have my faults. I masturbate with enough energy to maintain the entire Northeast power grid. The only thing I charitably donate to is my own advanced form of alcoholism. I killed four mice last week without remorse or pity. And I may or may not have ejaculated on a teacher's doorknob in prep school once.

But, other than that, I'm solid.


So hear me out on this one, Jesus. This is Brandon Jacobs, backup running back for the New York Giants and official "change of pace" back for soon-to-be-retired starter and future Crest Whitestrips spokesman Tiki Barber. Barber happens to be my #1 running back in not one, but TWO fantasy leagues. Got a fantasy league, Jesus? It's fun. Lots of people on TV, like Phil Simms, say fantasy football is lame, but those people can eat a dick and then go to Hell for it.

Anyway, Barber is a pretty reliable fantasy back. He came into this week leading the league in rushing and is an excellent receiver out of the backfield. But Barber has yet to score a touchdown this year, and this fuckface asscunt Jacobs is the reason why. Jacobs has been installed as the goal line back for the Giants. Which means that, whenever the Giants get near the goal line, my boy Tiki goes out and this assrammer heads in to take the TD's that Tiki has rightfully fucking earned.

Jacobs is what is known in fantasy circles as a "vulture". You heard me. A fucking vulture. Now, given your personal history, I'm betting you aren't too fond of vultures. Am I right? Bet vultures cost you an eyeball or two. Well, this one is costing me money big time. So here's your chance to get a little bit of revenge, Bible-style. I'm sure Jacobs is a perfectly nice guy, but fuck that. I'm down 4 in one league and 7 in another going into tonight, and I don't want there to be any doubt. I want you to fuck him up.

I'm praying to you for Jacobs to suffer some serious agony. Maybe you could spontaneous rupture one of his nuts with your Super Jesus telepathy powers. Or maybe you could summon a lightning strike on his house. Can you do that? Halle Berry did it in the X-Men flicks, and that big-tittied bitch can't even act. I gotta think you got some weather control up there to fuck people up. I know how you feel about Indonesians. Don't try and hide it.

No, wait! Dude! Are you a firestarter, like Drew Barrymore? You could totally burn Jacobs' condo down. You could even make sure one of his loved ones is trapped inside. No way he plays with that kind of grief. That would be sick, and by sick I mean awesome.

Or you could give him sickle cell anemia. Lots of black people get sickle cell anemia, so it wouldn't look suspicious at all. Or was it diabetes that black people get a lot? I think you can play with diabetes though, so that's no good. Let's just give the fucker some leprosy and let him deal with it.

The point is, working together, you and I can devise a plan that specifically satisfies my needs alone, with no regard to the greater good of other people on Earth. It's basically what Pat Robertson does with you every Sunday. And I want in. So think about it, Jesus. I'll even give you $10 out of my winnings if you help a brutha out. And we all know Heaven operates on a free-market-based economy using American currency, so let's make something praise-worthy happen. You're the tits.

Love,
Big Disciple Drew

26 comments:

Bender said...

Straight to hell with you.

rsr26 (aka Johnny Utah) said...

Man, that was funny.

But anyone who drafted Tiki Barber knew full well that he was not going to get the goal-line carries. So why should you be that pissed now that he's not getting the TDs?

Son of Brasky said...

Wow. I think this gets you a seat on the Welcoming Committee for Hell.

doug_plank said...

I just traded for Tiki, I second that motion.

mutoni said...

fuckin' EH!

awesome post

Rob I said...

The Meast will live to play another week. Do you really think that Tiki is gonna let Ronde steal the spotlight for more than 24 hours?

TroubleHelix said...

Jesus is a fire starter, twisted fire starter
and the only hell is the one created by his followers.
"Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company"

JoSCh said...

Which meast do you speak of? Pointy headed former meast Shawneeeeeee Merriman got busted for roids and got suspended, proving that he is not the "next LT".

TheBigO said...

"Shawneeeeeee Merriman got busted for roids and got suspended, proving that he is not the "next LT". "

Doing drugs makes him NOT the next LT?? How does that work?

"Gentlemen, which brings me to my next point; DON'T SMOKE CRACK"

Draft Dodgers said...

You should offer a sacrifice to a pagan god. Perhaps one of Shockey's testicles, you know, just to cover your bases.

Larry Bird Flu said...

I have nothing to add other than the fact that that was a fucking hilarious post.

JoSCh said...

That's the point, LT wouldn't do some pussy "performance enhancing" drug, he'd do a bad ass street drug made from drain-o that made him want to kill children (and Theeeeesmans) to get the game over quickly so he could get more. Merriman=puss. LT=crazed dog. Advantage, LT.

InanimateCarbonRod said...

I'm not sure if you'll have much luck with this. I'm pretty sure it was divine intervention that prevented Tiki from fumbling the ball every third carry.

WeJamEcono said...

fantasy football is dorky.

but I hate phil simms, and do everything opposite what he says.

arrrgh

Critical Sports Blog said...

Phil Simms calling someone a dork?

The Angry Rant said...

So the dead mouse count is up to 4? Are you painting mice heads on the wall of your garage, WWII flying-ace style?

Matt said...

I think Jesus would make an excellent member of the X-men. He would be the pacifist leader who always try to avoid fighting but in the end of every episode he'd have to use his awesome "Super Jesus telepathy powers" to raise hell and defeat the bad guys.

Nope said...

Don't forget what Jesus did to New Orleans. He doesn't just hate Indonesians, he hates black people too. I think you're in luck here Drew.

Unsilent Majority said...

i like halle more than tiki and jesus combined

Dave F'n Bates said...

While we're at it, can we do something about Amani Toomer, too? We're talking about a guy who talks like Randy Moss and plays like Yancey Thigpen.

ilse said...

First of all, I think Jesus is probably too busy blessing Matt Bryant's leg. Or maybe Jesus just hates the fucking Eagles that much. Hard to say.

Second of all, I'm a straight chick, but I'd switch teams for Halle Berry, man. Seriously.

Becky said...

Could not have written it better myself, and this douchebag almost killed me again tonight.

What the fuck, Tiki? You have to announce the whole retirement thing NOW????

Claude Balls said...

Second of all, I'm a straight chick, but I'd switch teams for Halle Berry, man. Seriously.

Not if you smelled her breath. Ask David Justice.

I had to type "jdwxbvyg" to post this comment. WTF?

Matt Millen said...

I prefer the term Touchdown Goblin to vulture.

Eric said...

I think this is the same prayer Warrick Dunn, and his fantasy owners, made before he finally decided to just have God banish TJ Duckett to 4th String RB on the Redskins...

cecil_espy said...

Is Brandon Jacobs that huge dude that ran for the touchdown last night?